zuitsuit Reviews

The Donner Party (2009)

"Back To The Future" is the only movie Crispín Glover didn't ruin by being Crispín Glover.

[1/10 · 21 January 2024]

"Back To The Future" is the only movie Crispín Glover didn't ruin by being "Crispín Glover". I think Glover was cast as the main lead in this film about desperate cannibals solely to make the other actors look even more miserable. I couldn't imagine being cold and wet and having to deal with Glover's "meth-like" performance for 8 or more hours. It reminds me of how Glover turned "River's Edge" (a teenaged murder drama) into a comedy with his ridiculous energies.

This movie is not only dramatically and historically disappointing (characters and true events are poorly represented, performed, jumbled and/or outright false)... It is also cinematically disappointing. The actual Sierra Nevada Mountains are very beautiful and even the Donner Party survivors said that it would all be heavenly if they weren't dying (very similar to The Chilean Andes Survivors testimonies). This film does nothing to display the isolated beauty or the historic details of their tragic situation. It looks like they filmed it all in close ups somewhere in Central Park, NY during the early Spring. Characters are literally sitting on dirt ground around some pine trees with a dusting of snow when every history book tells us that the Donner Party/The Forelorn Hope was stranded on 6-12 feet of snow.

Costumes, makeup, beards and hair look like a Charles Dicken's Dinner Theater. We see nothing historically happen at night because the actors were all probably back at the warm lodge before 4pm.

Crispín Glover does his best to act as desperate and manipulative as possible and it shows. It's all very desperate and manipulative, but not in a way that fits this historical tragedy.

The Twilight Zone: Meet in the Middle (2020) Season 2, Episode 1

Dumbed down for the simpler viewer

[1/10 · 24 April 2023]

Wow! The amount of praise for this lame episode compared to the poor reception for some of season one's most intelligent episodes is very telling.

Modern audiences are much dumber and bigoted than they used to be and you can't stand to think too hard on anything important.

I'll just repeat to fill the space.

Wow! The amount of praise for this lame episode compared to the poor reception for some of season one's most intelligent episodes is very telling.

Modern audiences are much dumber and bigoted than they used to be and you can't stand to think too hard on anything important.

I'll just repeat to fill the space.

Wow! The amount of praise for this lame episode compared to the poor reception for some of season one's most intelligent episodes is very telling.

Modern audiences are much dumber and bigoted than they used to be and you folks can't stand to think too hard on anything important.

The Twilight Zone (2019–2020)

Where are the Latinos?

[3/10 · 23 April 2023]

As progressive as it is, the first Latino character doesn't show up until episode 8... And she's a maid who gets deported. I'm embarrassed for you, Mr. Peele.

As progressive as it is, the first Latino character doesn't show up until episode 8... And she's a maid who gets deported. I'm embarrassed for you, Mr. Peele.

As progressive as it is, the first Latino character doesn't show up until episode 8... And she's a maid who gets deported. I'm embarrassed for you, Mr. Peele.

As progressive as it is, the first Latino character doesn't show up until episode 8... And she's a maid who gets deported. I'm embarrassed for you, Mr. Peele.

Mother! (2017)

I expected another "Rosemary's Baby" but the tables were turned...

[9/10 · 4 December 2022]

I just watched "mother!".

I know I'm a few years late and this movie is a little divisive, but I grew up miserable in (and I grew out of) a very strict religion and I think this screenplay is kinda brilliant.

I had heard things and I was expecting another "Rosemary's Baby" but the tables were turned on the good guys.

The performances reflect the best/worst aspects of these famous Biblical characters as related to modern representation. The setting represents our perspective, safety, danger, discomfort and comfort. Much of what needs to be heard is said in whispers or in the background. Much of what is already known is said out loud.

Earth is the protagonist while God and his creation are the antagonists in this modern re-telling of Genesis to Revelations from the planet's point of view. I liked it. I watched it twice.

Jurassic World Dominion (2022)

Chris Pratt's Superhero Stunt Spectacular

[1/10 · 8 August 2022]

The cinematic integrity of the Jurassic Park sequels have never been solid but this one shows how 20 years of constant superhero and fantasy cliches has left the audience void of perspective and rendered the movie-going landscape barren of any good story telling. Convincing special effects and the intrigue of watching prehistoric animals behave like real animals and not remote controlled movie props aren't important as long Chris Pratt hits his choreography and puts up his hands at the right height as if Dr Strange had a baby with Indiana Jones in front of a green screen.

Instead of giving the audience what we've been waiting for for decades... Watching dinosaurs exist with humans... the plot drags through a storyline that is mostly about giant locusts destroying the planet's crops. Are these new locusts a biological side effect of the new ecosystem that the audience has been waiting to see on screen? No... They're just another evil corporate plan. We get a view of a black market aka "Star Wars Cantina"/"Mad Max Thunderdome" knock off (These new directors love to plagiarize their 1980s movie fantasies on film.) where dinosaurs are sold, cooked or trained to fight in a seedy "foreign marketplace". You know how savage them foreigners are. Not xenophobic at all. The scene essentially neuters any threat or fears that the audience used to be able to enjoy about wild dinosaurs in the real world. Dinosaurs seem to have been commodified, tamed, exploited and knocked down the food chain very quickly in this movie, so where is the excitement? The dinosaurs exist almost like extras or aliens in these strange Obi Wan-and-Chewy-searching-the-underground scenes. I found myself losing my appetite for anymore of this movie halfway through its 2.5 hour run because... It's just not thrilling. It's a poorly written attempt to wrap up some fruitless storylines from the last two films and bring back some familiar faces... OH WAIT!!! There's still another hour and a half to this movie. Let's keep going.

Queue Chris Pratt's Stunt Show Spectacular! The returning cast seems to slog through these long, dinosaur-less scenes with the same level of mustered nostalgia as a high school reunion. Plenty of corny jokes from Goldblum that are supposed to satire the amount of suspended belief that this movie begs from its audience yet the jokes fall flat because we're not holding any tension that would make comic relief a relief at this point. These dinosaurs are not scary anymore and we already know that no one in this family-friendly stunt show is going to get hurt. Lex's scream worked perfectly during the TRex attack in the original film because we as the audience were scared with her in danger. Jeff Goldblum mocking Pratt's "superhero" persona in the middle of some burning dead bugs exactly doesn't make us laugh. There are several scenes that are just cheap callbacks to the original movie. I guess those scenes are intended to wake up the audience to say "oh yeah! I remember that.".

The new cast literally present themselves like highly stylized animated action figures. They don't even look like real people. They look like comic book storyboards. The original JP purposefully used average looking actors and plain costumes to make the audience feel as if it's all real. Now we have a pilot with perfect makeup and hair that never moves. A random female villain standing around in the ultimate runway fashions who disappears from the story at the end of Act Two. Some corporate dudes in aligátor shoes who act like any pop up character in a Resident Evil game. Dr. Woo's story arch...? I'll just say his character should've stuck to the original novel.

The dinosaur scenes are fleeting and lack engagement or tension. Again, because we already know that all of our heroes have superhuman skills and never get hurt. Again, like a superhero franchise, there's about 9 or ten heroes in this one movie. No one can actually die or else the writers have to get creative. It's nice to see Dilophasaurus again but Chris Pratt's arm ruins the tension of the scene in two seconds. Dinosaurs are somehow remote controlled like a modern Noah's Ark. T-Rex is once again reduced to a lumbering battle with yet another large carnivore when, really, all we wanted was more dino/human interaction like the drive-in scene that was used to promote this film in the first place.

The last three movies in this franchise have exposed the degradation and diluted formula of what we used to enjoy from a special effects blockbuster with some cinematic talent behind it. Movies that didn't dumb down their audience with unrealistic plot convenience.

The original Jurassic Park stayed #1 in theaters for several months when it came out. This concept is cheap to new audiences ever since "blockbusters" became a dime a dozen. There's another CGI theme park stunt show coming out in 3D next week, so who cares? Right? An entire generation has been raised on nonstop nickel serials, reboots and entire universes of superheroes, Pokémon, transformers, galaxies, wizards, wands and dragons.

A classic thriller about dinosaurs and science has become a corny theme park stunt show.

Britannic (2000 TV Movie)

Waste of time.

[1/10 · 19 May 2022]

Did they even study the Britannic before making this movie?

They ignored every historical fact that they could in order to make this insufferable melodramatic "Titanic" wannabe.

No historically accurate characters.

A fabricated method of destruction that is no where near the historical record or other conspiracies.

Wrong time of day for the sinking. Wrong weather.

No historical events portrayed during the sinking. Many inaccuracies.

Terrible set design and effects.

A tepid fictional romance that rivals "Titanic" in its level of disbelief but also manages to sink any of the audience's interest before the ship does.

A "Gigantic" load of fiction. A silly spy romance that the someone decided to flood into a historical event in "Titanic's" successful wake.

All puns intended. Thumbs down.

SpaceCamp (1986)

Watched it as a kid.

[7/10 · 14 March 2022]

I remember enjoying this movie as a kid. It felt like The Breakfast Club meets Goonies meets Lost In Space. I haven't seen it in years. It's very hard to find.

Leatherface (2017)

Costumes and Hair... You had one job.

[1/10 · 3 March 2022]

One thing that will ruin an entire movie for me is if the costumes and hair are inaccurate to a time period.

Therefore, I was taken out of the experience and disappointed very early on. Who graduated school and got hired for these costumes?

The pixie-cut school girl? Flat-figured, straight-haired nurse. Long shaggy mops on men? No curls. No waists. Modern fades and shaved heads with beards on southern cops...? This was 1955. The Eisenhower era. Everyone should look like "I Love Lucy" and "Back To The Future" had an orgy. The costumes for this movie are a huge fail. One star.

Werewolves Within (2021)

Starts clever. Ends cheap

[3/10 · 21 February 2022]

What's starts out as an interesting collection of funny characters ends up disappointing. This was actually a video game?

Don't expect a scary werewolf movie as there is nothing scary about this movie and the only werewolf there is shows up in the last five minutes as a very cheap digital effect copy/pasted over the only character that could not make a werewolf scary at all. No horror or suspense. Most of the characters die off from everything else but a werewolf. I really wanted to enjoy this movie on the same level as other horror-comedies, but someone dropped the ball with the screenplay. There is hardly any werewolf, the "shocking" twist is disappointing and the ending sucks.

Deathcember (2019)

26 short stories for horror anthology fans. Not a bad deal.

[7/10 · 23 December 2021]

I like anthology horror. I like holiday horror. Many anthology movies suffer from being either too short if they're good or too boring if they're long. 26 very short horror stories, some are genuinely entertaining, some are just "good-bad" enough to laugh at... These stories are much shorter than usual in the genre, which manages makes it all bearable. The good stories are artistically efficient and whimsical with some fun twists and turns. The not-so-good stories are mercifully quick to get through.

26 international horror stories that are short and sweet... Not a bad a deal. Pick and choose. Enjoy. It's literally like a box of chocolates.

Candyman (2021)

Defensive and fragile people will get mad. Maybe look in the mirror.

[9/10 · 21 September 2021]

Looking at the bad reviews for this movie makes me wonder if the movie did exactly what it intended to do.

If you were offended, you probably should be. The rest of us enjoyed it.

Beautifully filmed. Well directed. Good music. Good suspense. Adequate gore. Good story. It is certainly respectful to the original film (Which was also about systematic racism back in 1992. Way before some of you defensive and sensitive people started using the words "too woke" as an insult.) Get over yourselves. Maybe take a look in the mirror.

The Tank (2017)

Starts interesting. Loses all logic.

[3/10 · 1 September 2021]

I really wanted to like this movie. Several actors are recognizable from films and television that I've liked. It's written and directed by women. I enjoy science fiction (if this is based on a true story, the information is lacking). I enjoy isolation and survival stories... The story and the performances falls off the rails at some point. Several plot points are not explained or resolved and there are many questions left unanswered.

Wolves at the Door (2016)

Tacky and inaccurate.

[1/10 · 30 August 2021]

And that's just the hair and makeup. Who designed the costumes and looks for this movie? The cast of Laguna Beach?

I won't even start on the poor taste of such an exploitative movie... At least Tarantino had enough respect make Once Upon A Time In Hollywood a complete and total fantasy.

Lake Mungo (2008)

Something old. Nothing new. Everything borrowed. Now I'm Blue.

[1/10 · 31 July 2021]

I only watched this because a friend suggested it and I thought it was leaving AmazonPrime in a few hours... I literally had to keep myself awake through the movie by reading the reviews on IMDB just to try and figure out why I my friend said this was good and why I wasn't enjoying it.

This is a mockumentary and some say that part (at least) is done well. I say no. There is obvious green screen behind one character at some point and the interviews consist of oddly confident actors saying cryptic and suspicious lines that real people would be hesitant to say on camera about their family and friends and real lawyers would prevent a filmmaker from including in a real life documentary. (These cryptic lines never go anywhere.) The "horror" story is predictable, slow and not even interesting or complicated enough for such a vague ending. The idea that the audience would draw any profoundly scary conclusions from a few pretentious and unrewarding red herrings and some photographs is just silly.

Fear Street: Part One - 1994 (2021)

Why the hate?

[8/10 · 25 July 2021]

It seems like there are many terrible people here who have a problem with diverse casting and inclusive storylines and the not-so-clever ways that they express their opinions are like dog whistles to anyone who has heard their language before.

This movie is exactly what it promises to be and it doesn't try to be anything else. I have much more respect for a movie like this, that borrows from other movies and has a sense of humor about itself, as opposed to pretentious films like "Hereditary" or "The Conjuring" mess which steal from others and take themselves way too seriously in the process.

Complaints about the lack of 90s retro-style is strangely contradictory to the complaints about the amount of music. The comments seem to come from a younger generation who have a warped sense of the 90s style or can't handle listening to their songs in a nostalgic movie because it makes them feel old.

Anyone who lived through the 90s knows that the decade was never as extravagantly stylized as the rest of the 20th century. The street fashions weren't extraordinary and haven't changed much since... There were details that stood out for me. "GAP" style clothing, chunky black clog shoes, baggy sweaters... etc.

I went to high school in the 90s. I had very diverse and inclusive friends and we watched horror movies, spoke in chat rooms and listened to music... a lot.

Overall, I enjoyed the movie. It was fun.

Crooklyn (1994)

My favorite Spike Lee movie

[10/10 · 6 June 2021]

As a New Yorker, born and raised in lower middle class settings, this is probably my favorite Spike Lee joint. The brutal honesty of everything a child can and does experience is accurate and true. This movie came out when I was 14 and it has become one of the films that I never get tired of watching from beginning to end.

I love the nostalgia of childhood street games, family times and street battles... the music is fantastic with many rarely used but poignant popular songs from the time. You can tell these songs meant something to a young Spike Lee. The original score is touching and demonstrates the various joys and anxieties of a turbulent childhood.

I love the skewed cinematography during the scenes that take place when Troy visits family in the south.

Great performances from the entire cast. There should've been much more Oscar buzz for this film.

Hereditary (2018)

Slow, shallow and typical.

[1/10 · 20 January 2021]

As someone who has lost loved ones and felt guilty about, the internet ruined this movie for me before I even saw it this was exactly what I was dreadfully expecting. Another lengthy, PG-13 posing as R, subdued example of actual haunted grief through over-used images of possession, witchcraft and demonology. It's been done many times before. I know what grief feels like. This was an uneducated and pretentious art-school level of insulting to reality and the horror genre.

Krampus: The Christmas Devil (2013)

Huh?

[1/10 · 27 December 2020]

Is this a Christmas horror film or a wannabe cop drama? And why does Santa sound like Colonel Sanders?

Sick for Toys (2018)

Ok start. Bad finish

[3/10 · 27 December 2020]

The movies starts with an interesting enough concept. Twisted siblings kidnap "toys" every Christmas. However, somewhere along the way (after dinner) the story just loses all momentum and any chance to shock the audience any further is thrown out of the window. Somehow, this routine they've had for years gets thrown off by the most ineffective dinner guest in history and our villains quickly unravel into obnoxious breakdowns and tedious conversations and by the end the audience isn't exactly invested enough to care about the survivor.

Axemas (2017)

This should not have 5 stars

[1/10 · 27 December 2020]

A short story with terrible acting and an awful script and uninspired setting. How did this get 5 stars?

All Through the House (2015)

The best of the worst!

[8/10 · 27 December 2020]

To be honest, I had just finished watching The Elf, Axe-Mas, Axe-Mas 2 and some other truly terrible Christmas horror movies so I actually enjoyed All Through The Night. It is not a high quality movie at all, but it is much better than most who attempt this genre and the level of camp comedy is excellent. The pacing and atmosphere is just right for a Christmas horror movie. There are a few genuinely spooky moments where the killer hides in plain sight in that ridiculously decorated house and the mask and costume are used well. I wasn't expecting an Oscar winner but this movie was refreshing and actually funny after watching some other real stinkers.

The Elf (2016)

Acting? Or extremely delayed reacting?

[1/10 · 22 December 2020]

There isn't much to be said that hasn't already been said about this movie, but I am 25 minutes into this movie I need to say something about the pacing of this script. Are they being fed their lines through an ear piece? From behind the camera? There are times when a character speaks and there is dead silence for several seconds. Sometimes they ask questions and the audience is just sitting here, waiting for the other character to answer. Who edited this film? The long delays in the acting and reacting on a set are supposed to be used for editing purposes. Is this an unnecessary attempt at suspense or tension? The audience is already confused and tense from the lack of context and narration. We don't need frustratingly long pauses in between anything that is supposed to be happening. It's a Christmas horror film! Give us a fun story and something to enjoy for an hour and a half. The audience is not looking for a bad attempt at a psychological thriller with a toy elf.

Jack Frost (1997 Video)

No one promised you an Oscar winner.

[3/10 · 15 December 2020]

I mean... Look at the title and then premise. No one promised you an award winning film... What I do like is the atmosphere and the camp. At least they made a humorous writer's attempt to make a horror fairy tale somewhat enjoyable in a campy yet "sci-fi believable" way. Chemo-reactive accident creates a murderous snowman on Christmas...! Classic B-movie writing! This movie gets 3 stars because it is fun for a "silent night" holiday effort if you and your family or friends are in need of a laugh, or snow-bound or isolated somewhere with Wifi.

Unhinged (I) (2020)

This is just wh*te male anger.

[1/10 · 26 November 2020]

Another unrealistic and illogical story exploiting the acceptance of white male vigilante anger.

Black Christmas (2019)

Indulgent, pretentious and boring

[1/10 · 4 November 2020]

I'm only 30 minutes into this movie and I'm completely bored. This story feels like something two preteen girls made up to stay awake at a slumber party. This movie should've been given a different name instead of cashing in on the original classic and stepping on the far superior 2006 remake.