avadams Reviews

Moonfall (2022)

Absolute dregs... the era of disaster films is long gone.

[3/10 · 30 March 2022]

There was a time when films like Independence Day, 2012 or The Day After Tomorrow could present the most absurd scenarios, yet could still be engaging, exciting, and suspend your disbelief in an entertaining fashion. Or Armageddon, with it's motley crew of deep-core drillers recruited by NASA to stop an asteroid from destroying the Earth. Scientific inaccuracies didn't matter, because the characters were compelling and the action was exciting. Not so with Moonfall.

Despite the accrued star power (and budget), this movie is like a bad mashup of Transformers and Geostorm. Too many tired clichés (dysfunctional families, military overdependence, nerd tropes), some ham-fisted social commentary, cheap-looking miniature effects the make you long for the CGI "talents" of The Asylum, and an entire roster of unlikeable characters. None of these people are likeable, charismatic, or competent. None. You won't care about their lives, their individual circumstances, or what passes for character arcs. And you'll be sick of the term "megastructurist" by the second time one of these knobs proclaims himself to be one. We need to expect better from our entertainment, plain and simple.

Alien 2: On Earth (1980)

Slow, boring and embarrassing...

[2/10 · 2 October 2021]

Don't be fooled into thinking that this has anything to do with the Alien franchise beyond trying to ride on its coattails (obviously). This isn't even a "so bad, it's good" movie -- it's just bad. You know what to expect from the typical Italian giallo film, over-the-top gore, some soft-core nudity, faux "American" actors in contrived situations. Think "Demons" by Dario Argento as a perfect example of this genre.

This movie offers nothing, not even comedy relief. The most laughable thing is that one of the tags for the film is "strong female protagonist". She's boring, exceedingly stupid, and prone to stating her insecurities vocally. Why bother trying to act when you can just blurt out what you're feeling even if it's out of context?

Skip this unless they release a Rifftrax version of it someday (unlikely).

Night of the Animated Dead (2021)

Why does this even exist?

[3/10 · 29 September 2021]

Seriously. Just watch the original movie and appreciate everything that made it the classic horror film that it is. Or watch the Rifftrax version with some friends. This version is basically a shot-for-shot remake of the classic movie with janky animation, middling gore effects, and uninspired voice acting. There's none of the atmosphere or tension found in the original, and not because of the animated format -- it simply doesn't do anything with the source material.

Stowaway (I) (2021)

Kinda frustrating... coulda' been more

[5/10 · 24 July 2021]

The more I thought about this movie, the more frustrating it became in my recollection of it. I don't know if they were trying for something like Sunshine (2007) or Gravity (2013), or even Red Planet (2000), but there were aspects of this manned mission to Mars that didn't sit well with me. The actors were all competent and handled their roles well, although I think that Anna Kendrik in particular was wasted here. Her character could honestly have been played by anyone, so her trademark quirks and comedic timing that are a large part of her personality were repressed by the dramatic turn she adopts here.

My main problem with this movie is that they couldn't commit to either action, drama, or pure sci-fi/thriller. You have a three-person mission to Mars that is equipped for research projects that will pave the way for long-term occupation of the planet, then a major incident threatens to derail the entire mission. Just when you think that they're going to approach their options realistically and thoroughly, they do some stupid short-sighted stuff that ends the movie with a highly anti-climactic ending that doesn't feel earned.

(Spoilers) For such a well-planned, critical mission that had zero margin for error, they didn't have any contingency plans? There was no backup for their highly critical CO2 scrubbing system (other than old school lithium hydroxide canisters like they use on submarines) and they couldn't even piece together a substitute system? What kind of weak-sauce yeast cells are you culturing in a controlled environment in space when an average brewer can keep cultures alive under their kitchen sink? Did it never occur to them to put their stowaway in a chemically-induced coma for the duration of the trip to reduce the demand on limited resources?

Ultimately, I found the ending unsatisfying and I'm not sure if it's because I'm jaded from corporate Hollywood and their idea of intersectional feminism -- implied or not. As if there have never been women heroes before, those in our history who have been mentored by men, or commanded them, or sacrificed their lives for their beliefs. The fact that a young doctor at the start of her career sacrificed herself while the guy who shouldn't have been there at all sat like a lump because (as an engineer) he couldn't figure out how to use a simple climbing rig in reduced gravity irks me. He had already made his peace and left a farewell message for his sister. A more fitting end would have been for him to make the climb to retrieve the tank, rescue the people who rescued him, and then cut to his sister on a colony ship sometime in the future reflecting on his sacrifice.

Werewolves Within (2021)

Nothing new here, pretty average all around

[4/10 · 24 July 2021]

This movie comes across as a prolonged comedy skit that doesn't blend together the disparate needs of satire, dark comedy, or horror in a satisfying fashion. It's watchable, but not novel, rarely clever, and largely forgettable. Being based on a videogame isn't an excuse since Clue (1985) was based on a board game (and it's still a popular cultural reference).

Maybe if they had taken a cue from Shaun of the Dead (2004), Cursed (2005), or Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010), they could have blended the genres better. The characters try to come across as quirky, but they're largely annoying or just plain irritating caricatures. As for the main leads, Sam Richardson and Milyana Vayntrub, they have even less chemistry together than Will Smith and Mary Elizabeth Winstead in Gemini Man (2019). It's painful and obvious when they're forced together -- they're not bad actors, but they're written very badly. He's doing a simp impersonation of Kenan Thompson and she's just bipolar and quirky.

If you make it all the way to the end of the movie, you'll just be left with a rather bland impression.

Spiral (2021)

Adds nothing to the Saw franchise...

[4/10 · 6 June 2021]

Two things that don't belong in a Saw movie? Chris Rock and rap/hip-hop music. This movie has pacing issues, an over-reliance on jump cuts that are mistaken for being stylish, poor casting choices and a lack of any redeeming characters. You know what you're getting with a Saw movie (even the 'bad' ones), but at least the meta-narrative is fairly consistent. This movie wants to be much more than it is and it doesn't work. It's like taking "Se7en" and adding pratfalls to the mix.

And it has that wonderful murky yellowish-orange color palette for the scenes that aren't already poorly lit. As formulaic, maybe pretentious as the other films were, they still had more to offer than an obvious live/die red herring. They could have just saved the money that they paid Chris Rock and the other planks of wood in this movie, resurrected any one of the past survivors in the franchise and paid Tobin Bell to do some voiceovers.

Scare Me (I) (2020)

Scare Me? No, Bite Me.

[4/10 · 13 November 2020]

I don't know if it's the dearth of entertainment that makes people rate new releases so highly or what. This movie and the male lead annoyed me by the five minute mark, and the addition of the quippy female protagonist didn't help -- although she was more palatable, albeit grating at points. The premise of two authors challenging each other with the telling of scary tales might be compelling, but the execution in this case is flawed. Boring and pedantic, this movie is like a low-budget episode of Tales From the Darkside or Freddy's Nightmares where 30 minutes of content is stretched out to more than 100 minutes. Maybe some animated sequences ala Creepshow would have made this bearable, but it fails the fundamental needs of storytelling while simultaneously failing to entertain as a movie.

Deep Blue Sea 3 (2020 Video)

Just watch Sharknado instead... you'll thank me later.

[2/10 · 29 July 2020]

And that's from someone who dislikes discount Star-Lord (Ian Ziering) and loathes nearly all things made by The Asylum. Or better yet, just watch the first Deep Blue Sea and pretend that none of the others exist. This movie is just so incredibly boring. The pacing is stilted with long stretches of underwater scenes as the main protagonist tries to deliver her environmental messaging. I wasn't expecting high cinema, but this is a complete dud. None of the characters are likable, the dialog isn't engaging, the CGI is only passable, and you don't even have a mascot to provide a distraction. Not even the tough-talking, shark-punching, self-empowered, and environmentally-aware female researcher running around in her swimsuit adds anything to this opus. And yes, identity politics are in play here since none of the men or women know how to relate to each other -- either as co-workers or antagonists. There's no playful banter, no real scientific exploration, no suspense -- just tired social media tropes and cliched characters. And when you see who survives to the end, it will make you cringe.

Underwater (2020)

Dark, murky and full of missed opportunities.

[4/10 · 2 April 2020]

This movie is tries (and fails) to be a mix of Gravity and Alien, yet it missed the nuances of either. I don't like to write reviews that bash movies, but sometimes you're just compelled to. Slow and plodding, you're presented with familiar scenarios and bog-standard movie tropes. By the end of the film, you're left wondering what the whole point of the exercise was. You're just left with a sense of meh -- no real highs, lows, or memorable moments.

None of the characters are particularly likable, except maybe Vincent Cassel as the Captain, but the rest are basically one-dimensional. Kristen Stewart is back from her role in the disastrous Charlie's Angels remake, and she's still trying to prove that she can act outside of the Twilight series. She's no Ellen Ripley by any stretch. Note to Kristen: Jet Li took acting lessons to prepare for his role in Unleashed and he was awesome for more than his fighting prowess. She's basically our main protagonist with the tortured past who serves as a linchpin for these underwater operations. But by the time her "arc" is revealed, I doubt that you'll care. The other members of the crew are kinda bland, although if I'm ever in a life-or-death scenario with someone like T.J. Miller, I hope that I'm the first to go. Every movie HAS to have an irreverent, unfunny jerk in stressful situations, I guess?

My biggest complaint is that the movie is just too dark and the water is too murky to really see anything. That attempt at "realism", when combined with the CGI and the jump cut editing makes for a confusing visual mess. Ultimately, there's nothing particularly groundbreaking about this movie. Everything it has to offer has been done better in The Abyss, DeepStar Six or Leviathan. You get the same scares, better casts, effects and cinematography with any of them.

Angels Fallen (2020)

Cameos by Michael Madsen and Eric Roberts. You've been warned.

[3/10 · 14 January 2020]

I'm giving this movie three stars because the cinematography could have been much worse given the low-budget. This is as if someone saw Constantine and thought "I could do that" (only much worse), then threw in some Dragonball Evolution for good measure. Bad CGI, really bad casting (I mean, Nicholas Turturro?), and shockingly miscued music. If you want to see demons, give this one a pass and go watch Nekrotronic (or Evil Dead II).

Shed of the Dead (2019)

Everybody wants to be like Shaun of the Dead

[2/10 · 25 May 2019]

It's amazing how unlikable nearly everyone is in this movie. I seriously don't know how anyone could rate this farce higher than a four (and that's being generous). All of the tropes of modern zombie comedies are present, but in return, it's missing all the wit and originality of SotD. Emily Booth is wasted here; you'd be better served by watching her in either Evil Aliens or Doghouse. How bad is this movie overall? Cockneys vs Zombies is a high mark compared to this -- or even early Peter Jackson fare like Bad Taste. Poorly cast, poorly written and just a bland movie that isn't even fit to be put in the "so bad it's good" category.

Cold Pursuit (2019)

This is like Taken 0.5...

[5/10 · 14 May 2019]

Sadly, I watched this movie before I had a chance to see the arguably better original, "In Order of Disappearance" (aka Kraftidioten). While there are some standout cinematic shots in this version and a slightly faster pace, it is a complete shot-for-shot remake of the original with the exception of a few character names and a single scene. The cast are largely wasted -- you could have hired unknown actors and changed the location, and the resulting film would have still been a watchable, but mediocre affair. The same character motivations and interactions are present, but are somewhat muted from the original film. Liam Nesson pretty much does a low-key version of his character from "Taken" that is less credible than the Stellan Skarsgård character. No spoilers, but there's even one character in both films that I intensely disliked for the same reasons... and it wasn't even the main villain. Disappointing how the only material difference is that in this version there's no need for an English dub or subtitles. You might enjoy seeing this particular cast, but I found the original film to be the better one.

Iron Sky: The Coming Race (2019)

Not perfect, but better than Sharknado (any of them).

[6/10 · 7 May 2019]

I didn't expect much from a sequel to a movie about Moon Nazis, but they really pulled out the stops on this one. The first movie had a lot of dull moments with interesting, if campy, scenarios that made it a watchable film (but not memorable). This time around, the acting, environments, special effects and music all got much needed upgrades. With the exception of a needless subplot, I had fun with this and I didn't feel my eyes roll back even once in annoyance. It isn't a stellar movie, but it blows the doors off of any budget title or SyFy dross.

Montrak (2017)

Movie production crews shouldn't rate their own work

[2/10 · 1 March 2019]

I honestly can't fathom how this movie has such a high rating. Long story short: This is another "re-imagining" of the Dracula origin story told through multiple time periods. While the production values are better than most TV fare, the story is boring, the cast are forgettable -- with a truly bland male protagonist and an unbelivelable "love story" -- and it's bad enough that you'd want the power to fast-forward through it like Adams Sandler in "Click".

Do yourself a favor and watch "Blade: Trinity" instead of this SyFy-channel wannabe (you'll thank yourself later), or watch something like "Guardians" if you want a fun low-budget foreign sci-fi film. A Russian werebear toting a backpack chain gun is way more entertaining than bad actors wearing cheap vampire cosmetics.