andyofne-75813 Reviews

The Retirement Plan (2023)

A soggy lump of wet newspaper

[3/10 · 8 January 2024]

My first draft of my review got lost, so I'm starting over.

The Retirement Plan is the worst movie I've watched in 2023, and I watched Zombeavers.

This is a movie that allows you to turn off your brain completely. I just wanted to let you know that there is nothing to think about. Everything is explained to you in the most excruciating detail through unnecessary dialog... I just can't.

I expected more from Nick Cage, Ron Perlman, and Ernie Hudson but got less.

The most annoying thing about this movie was that they kept calling a thumb drive a hard drive. Endlessly.

You would think that ONE person would call it what it is... nope.

Beyond that, the story *could* have been used to make a decent movie, but it failed at every turn.

Bad acting. Horrible dialog. Ridiculous action sequences. Unbelievable characters.

The whole thing was a hot mess, like a soggy lump of wet newspaper.

Leave the World Behind (2023)

Thanks but no thanks.

[5/10 · 10 December 2023]

What did I just watch? I'm not really sure.

I found some elements of this film intriguing and waited for them to develop. But they never did. And, ulitimately, this is what left me frustrated and annoyed at the abrupt and nonsense ending.

Actually, the ending is the only thing that tracked through the movie from begining to end. Which, thinking about it, is kind of sad. Because it was not a compelling plot point at all.

I was hopeful when I saw Julia Roberts, Ethan Hawk, and Kevin Bacon in the cast list (all wonderful actors from the 80s and 90s). But all hope was lost about 1/3 of the way into the film. Nothing really connected.

Yes, some of the pieces are there but, as i mentioned, they don't really connect. So much was unexplored and unexplained and then some was just annoyingly contrived.

It was difficult to tell if the events depicted were manmade, supernatural, or caused by aliens from outerspace.

Another reviewer suggested that the characters were unlikable. I have to agree. Maybe a better title could have been "Leave Humanity Behind." Maybe Kevin Bacon's character was the only one I could agree with.

A lot of questionable parenting went on in this movie. Kids left to wander whereever they wanted to go - particularly in a time with weird stuff going on - ships grounding, planes crashing, animals acting weird, people seemingly just gone. Sure, you guys go ahead and wander through the forest. Cya whenever.

This film had potential but it was squandered. Another reviewer wrote that he thought this could be a good (TV) series. Maybe. At least they could take some time to follow-up on some of the things they glossed over here.

I really wanted to like this.

In the Forest (2022)

Don't believe the 'good reviews'. This is Extremely difficult to watch.

[2/10 · 20 November 2023]

I am always curious about the high reviews some of these *horrible* movies get. I often feel like maybe they watched a different movie with a similar title and got confused. And then I think that, perhaps, they were involved in the production of the movie. Or a family member of someone in the movie. There really aren't any more reasons that make sense to me. Particularly in this case.

This middle school film project starts off dumb and goes down hill quickly.

The first thing that makes zero sense is grampa's choice of camping locations. It's simply idiotic to think you can just drive out in the country and pick a spot on someone else's property.

Then, the RV get stuck on flat, solid ground.

The story isn't horrible, honestly, but the production is just garbage with some of the worst acting I've seen recently and I just watched Zombeavers last night.

I admit, I hit the fast forward button several to many times to skip through some of the horrible dialog but I believe I caught most of the salient plot points.

Bermuda Island (2023)

unwatchable garbage

[1/10 · 4 September 2023]

There is literally nothing redeemable in this movie. Perhaps I can't actually make this claim because I doubt I'll be able to make it through to the end.

The first 10 minutes are so bad, I can only see this going down hill fast.

I honestly can't believe someone paid money to make this movie.

Here's a delicious piece of dialog from this fim:

(we're on an airplane. The pilot comes out of the cabin.)

An young adult woman says to the flight attendant (who just got hit on by the captain)

"excuse me" she says. "was that t he pilot?"

Flight attendant: "yeah"

Young woman: "are we going to die?"

Flight attendant: "... it's just that he probably had to use the restroom, or get a drink or something"

I mean, who writes this garbage?

Every bit of dialog is just like this.

It's like getting hit in the face with a hammer.

No subtlty... just blurting out one unrealistic line after another.

I guess people have to start somewhere with their acting career. I just have to imagine putting this on your acting credits might end up backfiring...

The Complex: Lockdown (2020)

Unbearable

[4/10 · 21 August 2022]

This was a pretty stupid movie, all things considered. I feel bad for Michelle Mylett, she's much better than this. This looked more like a made-for-TV "lifetime" type movie, low budget, garbage script.

A difficult watch.

1BR (2019)

Reasonably good thriller

[7/10 · 31 July 2022]

I expected this to be horrible; but I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it.

This seems like a more original story rather than something that's been done over and over again (poorly).

It had some dull moments but overall I enjoyed it.

Hell Trip (2018)

Comically bad acting; excruciatingly bad script

[3/10 · 30 July 2022]

Don't waste your time.

The script is horrible.

The dialog is unbelievable.

I'm sorry for the actors in this film but even more so for the folks that sat through the whole thing.

And, of course, it HAS to be filmed in near complete darkness 90% of the time.

The Desperate Hour (2021)

This was painful to watch

[3/10 · 1 July 2022]

Look, I don't know if these are spoilers - so sorry if you think so.

At the same time, I have no idea how you can spoil something that is rotten already. ;)

One thing I know, when you have young kids or teens that drive, you don't put your phone on Do-not-disturb. Especially when they have only one parent, right?

Furthermore, where does she go running that gets her so far from her house that she can't return?

I'm not going to complain about Watts acting, you work with the script you're given, right?

Still, EVERYONE in the reviews complained about you're watching someone endlessly jogging to no where AND making and taking more calls during a job than I make/take in a week (and that was before the drama).

The Requin (2022)

As bad as it gets and then it somehow gets worse.

[2/10 · 5 June 2022]

I wanted to like this, I mean, it's Alicia Silverstone. Haven't seen her in anything in years but she wasn't always horrible, was she?

I usually write the same stuff over and over again about bad acting, horrible script, and poor CGI. But everyone has already talked about all of that.

The thing that bothered me the most about this was the absurdity of the entire story.

I admit, I skipped ahead repeatedly because watching Silverstone's acting was probably more painful than her fake shark bite wound.

Jeepers, this is just bad.

Harpoon (2019)

I'm being kind with a 5/10

[5/10 · 25 February 2022]

The movie was rough.

The story wasn't horrible but for the life of me i couldn't find myself caring about any of these characters.

So, if that was the goal, it worked.

It took me 3 sessions to watch the movie, I kept losing interest and only finished it tonight while updating my resume.

After watching this, I feel like I have a shot at writing and directing garbage movies in Hollywood.

Spoiler alert: this movie stinks.

Also, as someone else mentioned, either the 8-10 reviews are 100% fake (like they get all the crew and their family to spam good reviews) or they were written by people paid to write good reivews.

That's another gig I might be interested in.

Goodbye Lover (1998)

This was all over the place

[3/10 · 30 January 2022]

Must have missed this one back in 98, the Navy was keeping me busy.

Seeing it now in 2022, some of the names are familiar from the era.

I don't have much to add to the reviews already written. I thought the movie was all over the place and not very entertaining.

Pretty hard to watch.

The Curse of Sleeping Beauty (2016)

Maybe they tried too hard?

[4/10 · 30 December 2021]

Either they intentionally left the ending open for a sequel or they just got lost and couldn't figure out how to close the story.

Someone else noted that the trailer was more exciting than the actual movie, and I find that to be pretty accurate.

You can watch the better parts of this movie in clips on youtube.

Just Another Dream (2021)

Just go away if you're not going to believe me!!!

[3/10 · 12 December 2021]

I had a bad feeling as I watched the opening credits.... And I wasn't disappointed... This movie met my expectations: bad dialogue, horrible score, and unconvincing acting.

I'm sure someone will like this but it's just too bad to watch. I just didn't care about anyone in this movie.

I caught this on Amazon prime but I assume it was made for lifetime or Hallmark... Or some other cable channel.

Fisher (2021)

Every action has consequence

[2/10 · 28 November 2021]

This "movie" is garbage. But not just garbage, hot garbage served in a dirty ashtray

All of the 9 and 10 reviews appear to be fake. I clicked on nearly a dozen users who gave this a 9 or 10 and they all have ONE review and all the accounts are exactly 2 months old. What a joke.

I assume these are paid for or are from people who were part of the production. If a real human watched this and gave it a 9 or 10, they are either reviewing the wrong movie or they are write fake (probably paid) reviews.

The acting here is bad, like horribly bad. Very wooden and stilted. Like regular everyday people reading unfamiliar text aloud.

There are also some pretty major plot holes like how did the 'bad guys' discover who was doing the catfishing?

I'll admit, I didn't necessarily see the ending coming but I won't spoil it for anyone dying to see this, good luck. It's painful to watch.

The movie is supposed to be about a girl who cat fishes men to buy her gifts in exchange for photos / videos. But that whole part of the movie is almost inconsequential and very thinly explored.

Also, if you're getting ready to buy a gift for some hot girl online, try doing a simple reverse image search and see if someone is sending you stock or stolen photos. You can probably save yourself a lot of money.

The Babysitter (1995)

Uncomfortable and twisted, not very enjoyable

[3/10 · 20 November 2021]

I spent most of the 80s and 90s overseas in the Navy and missed out on a lot of movies... including this one. I had never heard of it until it popped up on Amazon.

I knew who Silverstone was, obviously, she had some movies that did make the rounds overseas at the base theater or on VHS (I'm thinking of Clueless) and of course, she was in those Aerosmith videos in the early 90s.

I have no idea how this movie was received in 1995, but in 2021, this movie is really cringeworthy.

I found the entire movie very odd and wonder what got cut and left on the editing room floor because what was left didn't make a whole lot of sense.

The fantasy scenes were creepy and the male characters give off a strong 'rape' vibe that is considerably distasteful. I'm not sure if they were trying to make "Mark" out as a predatory closeted gay or bi character, but that's how he comes off. His fascination with "Jack" seemed a little too much like a fatal attraction. Is that what they were going for? I don't really know, the boyfriend and the would-be rapist were both pretty one dimensional.

I skipped ahead several times in the movie out of boredom but i doubt i missed any crucial plot point (I'm not sure there was one).

This is a pretty disappointing offering and a poor representation of the acting qualities of Silverstone and JT Walsh.

Red Water (2003 TV Movie)

This shark was pissed about something.

[3/10 · 6 November 2021]

This was really poorly done.

Some scenes made me think this was supposed to be a comedy or parody but I think they were trying for a serious film here.

For example: old guy fishing with 5lb test line and manages to get pulled out of the boat? "some catfish huh grampa?" And just like that, he's dead.

So they steal a scene out of Jaws where a bunch of locals go out shark hunting... like a bunch of morons.

This film just got dumber and dumber and I got a headache watching it.

Sharks of the Corn (2021)

Hight school movie project?

[1/10 · 10 October 2021]

Generally speak, I like Shark movies. It's really a stretch to call this a shark movie.

Everything about this was bad. Bad acting, bad cinematography, bad dialog, bad... no, not just bad but HORRIBLE "special effects".

I've had bouts of explosive diarrhea that were more enjoyable than this movie.

To be fair, I only got about 10 minutes in and pulled the plug. Maybe it's like the Wizard of Oz where the first part of the film is black and white and then transforms into a mind-blowing full-color experience only in this case, the movie starts horribly bad and then pivots unexpectedly into a cinematic masterpiece.

I mean, I highly doubt it, but it's always possible. I'll have to spin it up again and forward to the end.

Sweet Virginia (2017)

Dark but not in a good way

[3/10 · 19 September 2021]

I'm watching this on Hulu and I kept thinking something was wrong with my computer... they must have saved some money but reducing the budget for lighting.

Honestly, just couldn't get into this film. I can't stand having to struggle to see who is actually on screen.

Notwithstanding the horrible lighting, I usually don't need subtitles for movies where everyone is speaking English; however, there was a lot of mumbling in this film.

The D'Amelio Show (2021– )

The world needs less of this kind of entertainment

[1/10 · 12 September 2021]

I decided to adjust my review after reading a handful of other reviews. I noticed a trend: mean posts.

Many of the reviews mentioned how the show features scenes of the girls crying over people being mean on the internet (I think it's the theme of the show, I only watched the first episode). While the intention of my review was not to be mean, I'm sure it came off that way.

I think part of the issue I have with these folks is that their celebrity is based on nothing aside from being attractive and rich. Maybe it's the green-eyed monster (envy) that made me want to write something mean and that's not right.

Some people work hard their whole life and struggle to make ends meet. Meanwhile, an attractive white girl can make more money in a year posting Tiktok videos than a 'regular' person will earn in their lifetime.

It's a crazy world we live in when someone can become famous like this for just being attractive.

Aftermath (IV) (2021)

Average modern movie. Nothing special here.

[5/10 · 8 August 2021]

There are some decent reviews that point out a few of the more serious flaws with this movie but the one thing I just couldn't get my head around is how the husband never noticed anything wrong, not even when the thermostat got cranked down (can a thermostat be set at 31f?). Does he not experience cold like a regular person?

Not sure how long the sister-in-law was dead but when you climb into a bed with a dead body, don't you usually smell that before you get cuddled up on top of them?

She must have literally just been killed in the bed otherwise, why is he able to come up with a handful of wet blood but there's no trace of blood in the room to warn him?

Do I even need to ask why no one was concerned that the person that was going to feed your dog just went permanently AWOL?

Guy is ingesting poison and there's literally zero investigation into how that might be happening?

Guy's dog dies from ingesting poison, no point in digging into that. Oh, s***, I guess we'll just get a new dog.

I find these movies more frustrating than entertaining.

I know this isn't a review as much as me whining about the movie.

The acting wasn't horrible most of the time. Someone mentioned the cinemaphotography, and I guess that wasn't bad, either.

Overall, it's just an average movie.

I See You (II) (2019)

WTF did I Just Watch?

[4/10 · 1 August 2021]

I'm reading some of these reviews and either someone was PAID to pad bogus reviews or the pandemic has loosened movie standards to a point from which there will be no return.

This was an awful movie and Helen Hunt's part in it could have been completely removed in the cutting room and no one would have been the wiser. She had no purpose in this film at all. Not to mention, 3/4 of the way in, she just drives off and we don't see her again (do we? If we did, I had either fallen asleep due to boredom or blinked and missed it).

The premise of the movie was okay and probably could have been done better, I imagine.

The big reveal at the end was significantly less impactful than it could have been if I had any clue as to what was going on during the first 90% of the movie. As it was, by the time of the reveal, I had lost interest in knowing why anything had happened at all in this film.

I really can't get over all these 8 and 9 start ratings.

The Doorman (2020)

A worse version of Panic Room

[4/10 · 18 July 2021]

The movie reminded me a bit of Panic Room, the 2002 Jodie Foster film.

I'm not saying Panic Room was great but I enjoyed it.

I struggled to watch The Doorman all the way through in one sitting.

The script and dialog were horrible, which may explain the acting.

Ruby Rose is a horrible soldier, which is fine, because the Doorman was a horrible moving.

Pearl (II) (2020)

Unwatchable.

[2/10 · 15 May 2021]

This looks like it should be a Hallmark or Lifetime movie.

It just doesn't work.

Every scene (I watched) was awkward AF.

The scene where she goes to see her father was horrible.

I pulled the plug at 30 minutes.

Deadly Illusions (2021)

Everyone sleeps with the Nanny and it doesn't work out.

[4/10 · 10 April 2021]

Wow. I read the reviews people have left for this movie and I have to say that I think they may be a bit too harsh.

Yeah, it's a bad film but I've seen worse, by a long shot (anything by The Asylum films, for example).

Still, it was pretty bad. I didn't have much of an expectation going in. I mean Kristin Davis isn't an A-list actress and I'm not a big fan of Dermot Mulroney.

Hopefully Greer Grammer will recover from this experience and move on to something a little more meaningful. She did a decent job portraying a seductive nanny.

I couldn't buy Kristin Davis as an author and found all of her 'writing' scenes to be silly and contrived. I have no idea what Dermot's daytime job was but he seemed serious about it.

That scene at the end was just stupid. Suddenly, Grace is a 10-year-old playing crazy eights? And what mental health facility would have electric outlets without those silly plastic safety covers?

And are we supposed to imagine that Grace was the one walking out with the headscarf at the end?

Pretty Fine Things (2016)

So much cheese but no bacon.

[1/10 · 17 April 2018]

This is possibly the worst movie I tried to watch in 2018.

The dialog is ridiculous and forced. It was nearly impossible to watch. I put a bout 30 minutes in before pulling the plug.

I hope someone had fun making this and did it as a high school project because if this was intended to be a serious production it fell way short.

At times the bad acting and stunted dialog is almost funny... but not funny enough to actually watch all the way through.