SSJAWSUM Reviews

Madame Web (2024)

Worse than you think...

[1/10 · 18 May 2024]

Go ahead, and watch this movie. I encourage you to. I knew it was bad going in, but wow was I surprised at the new low this movie reached.

But I now have a newer, fresher perspective on movies that are very well done, and have passion behind them. The sterile vapid content of MADAME WEB is insulting to the viewer, Marvel fan or not, and there isn't an ounce of redemption throughout, all the way to the end when you hate yourself a little more.

Now go watch anything else that has some effort behind it, and it will be that much better to enjoy. MADAME WEB might just be the worst theatrical release of the past 2 - 3 years, and there is nobody who would argue otherwise.

Shadow People (II) (2013)

Good idea that falls flat

[3/10 · 28 April 2024]

Not a bad idea for a movie, but once the central plot is revealed about 1/3 through the movie, you can basically turn it off. Nothing else happens that you haven't seen before. I just could not get attached to any part of this movie, but watched it to the end. The characters are bland and have no growth and border on the annoying side.

Except....the main character Charlie Crowe played by Dallas Roberts. He is the absolute worst part of this movie. His miserable attempt at acting is insulting and repugnant. Just ugly inside and out. I have seen him before, and it's rare to find talent diminish to the point of 0. This movie has inspired me to check for the name DALLAS ROBERTS going forward among the credits. If I see DALAS ROBERTS is in a movie, count me out. From his ex-husband status, to the crazy obsessed attempt at the usual trope, he is among the top 5 worst actors I have ever seen. STAY. AWAY. This movie isn't really worth your time, and DALLAS ROBERTS will cost you seconds off of your life span.

Coyote Lake (2019)

Atrocity of a movie

[2/10 · 14 April 2024]

This is a slow movie. Not a slow-burning movie, just an incredibly slow movie. Nothing happens that makes it interesting. The ending is a predictable trope, and lacks an originality. The characters are train wrecks with no development or mystery about them. I don't know how this movie was supposed to turn out, but it misses the mark entirely. The split between spanish speaking and english speaking scenes is awkward and shoe-horned into the movie to add "culture" & "purpose", but instead just angers and confuses the audience while leaving us wondering... "What's the point of the bilingual setting? Save your time, save yourself a headache, and just avoid at all costs.

The Signal (2024)

No. No. Awful disappointment. I'm cancelling Netflix

[1/10 · 16 March 2024]

There is nothing of substance. Some unnecessarily cryptic messages, random unexplained angry people and no cohesive character development. What an embarrassing show to admit I had hope for. The mystery and entire point is just massive letdown as nothing comes to fruition. Like a big box with a bow that when you open it only has an "I. O. U. One happy moment". The final episode is one "reveal" after another with fake endings. Then bam! It's over with no satisfaction. This is the last straw for Netflix. They produce and provide nothing. This show made me hate how studios take advantage of people's love of sci-fi and mystery. Do. Not. Watch.

The Banishing (2020)

Sean Harris Ruins Another Character

[3/10 · 4 December 2023]

Worst actor on the planet, Sean Harris, ruins another character that might have maybe held this rats nest of a movie together. The movie is flawed, clearly. The plot is sloppy and the character development is non-existent. The acting is decent for the majority of the cast, except Sean Harris of course. Most of the pieces are there for a decent "Saturday afternoon" movie, but the mark is missed multiple times. The slow-burn element you think might be this movies saving grace is more slow with no burn. Every scene Sean Harris is in feels like my teeth are being pulled out in slow motion so it's double bad. Nothing about his movie will stick with you, and that might be it's best attribute.

Kindred (I) (2020)

No! Please! Just don't watch it! Please it's so bad!

[1/10 · 15 October 2023]

There's no plot. There's no thrill. No mystery. No drama. Just repeating scenes of Charlotte locked in the house. The same scene over and over and over and over. It's pointless. Just a horrible plotless dump of 101 minutes filled with ugly actresses and nonsensical characters. Nothing makes sense but there's nothing to not make sense. There is nothing to this movie at all. The description says loaing grip on reality, or being brainwashed. It's none of these. Main character Charlotte faces none of this. She's pregnant with a kid that the family wants to raise together. That's it. That's not a movie. That's not even enough storyline for a commercial. Please don't watch these ugly people in this horrible movie.

The Swarm (2020)

No point. No explanation. And I still don't care

[2/10 · 20 July 2023]

I know what the movie is supposed to be about but I have no clue what's going on.... Nothing makes sense in this ugly schlock fest. The mother is an ugly gross human and is just always annoyed for some reason. Then there's locusts that crave blood for no reason whatsoever. Then there's a random nice guy with money. Then there's a soccer camp for the kid but he hates soccer or whatever. No clue what's happening in this crap fest and I said he'd it twice to give it a chance. The mom is annoyed when people can't spell her name.

I don't know. What it if you want but it's just another $1 bin movie Netflix added to it's roster to boast they have 1000s of movies without admitting they're all terrible.

Braid (2018)

Lots of twists & reveals, and yet the movie makes even less sense.

[2/10 · 30 May 2023]

You can't throw generic confusing shots into a movie and expect the audience to chalk it up to being part of the "twist" ending. Put the bad acting and the cringey behavior aside for a moment. The plot never makes sense. It always starts to make sense, then is dropped for a new "twist" or add-on to have the audience question the true nature of the movie. There is no cohesive point that ties everything up nicely, nor are there any clear pathways toward possible multiple conclusions based on interpretation. It's lazy film making, and serves no purpose if you can't back up your choices with anything but "it's part of the illusion / magic / interpretation / audiences perspective!". Shut up. Make a movie, or don't.

Hurt (2009)

The mom whispers the entire time

[3/10 · 16 April 2023]

I know it's a trade mark of maloras to be soft spoken but this is ridiculous. I can't hear a friggin word she says. The whole cast is incredibly underwhelming. You can tell the actors want to give better performances but were held back for some reason. The plot is straightforward yet somehow the tension is lost in translation to the viewer. The really climactic scenes are so forced it's cringey. Most of the issues the family face are solved with no exuberance but there's things that are just tossed aside as "na we're not going to review that". I had mediocre hopes going in and yet I ended up still greatly disappointed. Turns out, I'm the one who got HURT. (See what I did there?)

Island Zero (2018)

Wow. This movie goes down hill really fast.

[1/10 · 20 February 2023]

I gave it a shot. I mean you can't mess up an old fashioned mystery right? Or botch a creature feature that badly? Three quarters into the movie and I have never been so wrong. Starts off mysterious enkugh. But then the movie leans super heavy into the stranded nature of their situation. I get it, you're stuck with little food and little resources. Can we get back to the main story? I'm barely hanging on as it is. Just do yourself a favor and save yourself from self loathing. Don't watch this movie. It is beyond cringey, the special effects, the sound, the 80s synth background music. All trash.

Hideout (2021)

There's bad acting, and there's painful acting

[2/10 · 23 January 2023]

I could not get over how bad the acting was in this movie. There's bad acting, and there's painful acting. This was the latter. I couldn't get over how flat everything fell. It felt as I was at a kids school play and one of the 3rd graders forgot his lines and started crying, that's how cringey it was. The plot on paper seems straight forward but to watch it on screen is a whole different matter.

"Person that makes me feel uneasy that has a gun shot wound? Come on in you big-shady-group-with-everyone-yelling-and-looking-scared."

"KEEP QUIET SO THE COP DOESN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!" Screamed the head of the group with the worst acting ability.

Don't watch this. Period.

Even the tropes most used are used wrong or painfully over the top.

Men (2022)

Stop making ambiguous ending movies

[2/10 · 22 January 2023]

This movie was good until it wasn't. I'm getting really tired of movies not having a linear plot towards an ending that makes sense. This movie goes off the rails and had my full attention up to the last 10 minutes. I paused because I wanted to know how much time was left for the filmmakers to answer at least 80% of my questions. Nope. "that's up to the viewer to decipher". There's nothing more pretentious than when you hear a person say "you have to look at it through the lense of the filmmaker" or something like "the ending is an alagorical tale for the skewed perspective our society has on caste system social desegregation.". Shut up. Say you don't knows and the filmmakers are lazy. The ending to INCEPTION, good example of nice ambiguity. MEN IN BLACK 1 ending with the creature playing with marbles that are galaxies. Fantastic send off for the audience, any voluntary or mandated dissection doesn't add nor subtract from the film itself, it's a fun nod to the cosmic unknown.

This movie sucks and takes advantage of the audience to fill in the blanks. Stop being lazy.

Significant Other (2022)

Totally worth it

[5/10 · 19 January 2023]

Just because it has an less than perfect review, doesn't mean it's not really fun to watch, and this is a fun one. Cool mystery, relatable characters and a "straight to the point" plot. Overall, just a really fun cool flick. Who knew Jake Lacy would be as popular as he is. I'm really glad his talent is getting recognized, he plays a smarmy romantic quite well. Check out WHITE LOTUS. Same for Maika Monroe. Her skills have woefully been overlooked until lately. The chemistry between these two fit perfectly, and so much so that I find myself disappointed a sequel isn't being talked about.

Go watch and enjoy the hell outta this one!

Mr. Harrigan's Phone (2022)

So bad

[2/10 · 23 October 2022]

So bad. Really really bad. This movie starts slow, gets slower, and ends at a dead stop. There are no truths, or plot points expanded on. Complete useless garbage. The acting is 1 dimensional and the characters have no relatable qualities. There isn't any closure as to what happened to the dead, nor is there any aftermath of how these deaths affected the main character.

What was in the secret closet? Nothing.

What was the meaning of the lotto tickets? No meaning.

What was the symbolism behind the soap? There was none.

This fails to deliver on all points. I might just cancel my Netflix subscription after this train wreck of a "movie".

Titane (2021)

Pointless weird and gross

[1/10 · 19 September 2022]

Don't believe the hype. This movie is terrible. There is no underlying secret plot, or some redeeming post-watch explanation. It's just a good old fashioned dumpster fire of a movie. Nothing made sense, from scene to scene I held out hope for something to piece it altogether.

Before anyone says "you just don't understand the filmmakers vision" or something about foreign films. You're right, but I know what I enjoy and this is not that. This movie hurt me, and made me angry for investing time to watch it.

The star has a grotesque appearance that left me very grossed out, and I'm not even talking about the parts she was supposed to be unattractive. Each shot of the main character or support characters made me want to shower.

Last point.... Why does everyone smoke in this movie, it's really gross.

Red 11 (2018)

Wow. Please no.

[1/10 · 25 June 2022]

Acting is beyond bad, it's cringy. It hurt, I had to look away. Production quality is garbage, which would be fine if they worked with the low budget, like UNSANE, but no. Wow no. I thought the storyline would be the savior; the redeeming quality. Not. Even. Close. Nothing makes sense about this sour diaper of a film, from the guy composing the score with his iPad (yes, a character superimposes music from a keyboard app, even during shot / scene transitions) to the firing live invisible rounds from "finger guns". This cold lump of turd hurt me. It hurt me and I felt dirty for not looking away sooner.

You've been advised.

Interpreters: a C & Earth Chronicle - quantum 1 (2019)

Wow

[2/10 · 5 March 2022]

This is a bad movie. Really bad. I held on waiting to see if it would turn around. Nope. Bad all around. No redeeming qualities at all. Made no sense and had HORRIBLE acting.

Unearth (II) (2020)

No. Nope. Don't do it.

[2/10 · 2 January 2022]

No plot for the first 70 minutes. No plot. Last 20 minutes are uninteresting unexplained boring quick shots. Then a lady sings and bangs head, other lady wears blue bandana, followed by rolling credits. Fin.

You're welcome.

Bacurau (2019)

Horrendous. Fails on every level.

[1/10 · 7 February 2021]

A waste of 2 hours. This abomination is an infuriating mess that goes completely nowhere. Terrible acting, no story, no climax, no plot. Just disgusting useless footage of a charmless "town" with it's unintelligible inhabitants. Grotesque faces in a sea of ugly settings, there is nothing redeemable about such a greedy attempt at entertainment. Go ahead and watch it. But keep in mind, that thought in the back of your mind during movies that says "It has to get better from here", it doesn't. Cut your losses and turn it off when you realize I'm right. I'm saving you from a state of rage and disappointment.

The Little Stranger (2018)

God awful

[1/10 · 6 June 2020]

I'm probably missing something that makes this movie watchable. If that's the case, this review is a mistake and I apologize. But if I didn't miss anything, and what I witnessed is the full picture, then this movie is disgustingly boring, and a solid unworthy waste of time.