I had no expectations upon discovering this um, er, uh film? The first 15 minutes my laughter was non-stop. To pull it off all they needed was for the director to engage his friend's 6 year old daughter to design and create the costumes. They are darling! I did find the 17 scenes of the dog men smelling one another's butts gratuitous. I want a DOG MAN!!!!
Reviews
35 Reviews
Alien Predator
(2018)
You have been warned...
26 October 2020
I actually found this movie incredibly amusing. It is SO bad on SO many levels, you will find yourself laughing at the dialogue, actions and horrendous make-up. This is perfect for Rifftrax to Riff on. MST3K would have loved it. There is SO much to make fun of in this movie it is frightening.
During the viewing, look to the one, so called soldier in the back wearing shades and is bald. The the camouflage make up he is wearing consists of a thick black line drawn around his head and one line drawn straight up from the front. At a distance, his head looks like the head of a penis. I laughed my ass off.
Technology has been pushed back 50 years thanks to this one. Of course the alien has to be some horrid, cheap knock off of the Predator. Stan Winston is rolling over in his grave!
The premise? A 5 man Navy Seals team has fallen to aliens. They know 1 is alive (ONE mind you). Upper command states no rescue but a dumbass group of idiots think it is transactionally copacetic to have 5 more solders die to save one. As soon as they reach that soldier, he dies! LOL.
ENJOY the BADNESS!!!!!!!! Love all that smoke! And laser fire that comes from nearby ground squirrels!
During the viewing, look to the one, so called soldier in the back wearing shades and is bald. The the camouflage make up he is wearing consists of a thick black line drawn around his head and one line drawn straight up from the front. At a distance, his head looks like the head of a penis. I laughed my ass off.
Technology has been pushed back 50 years thanks to this one. Of course the alien has to be some horrid, cheap knock off of the Predator. Stan Winston is rolling over in his grave!
The premise? A 5 man Navy Seals team has fallen to aliens. They know 1 is alive (ONE mind you). Upper command states no rescue but a dumbass group of idiots think it is transactionally copacetic to have 5 more solders die to save one. As soon as they reach that soldier, he dies! LOL.
ENJOY the BADNESS!!!!!!!! Love all that smoke! And laser fire that comes from nearby ground squirrels!
Lycan Colony
(2006 Video)
Why did I watch this?
24 September 2020
I have a co-worker that views a youtube channel that exclusively watches the most horrid of movies. He recommended to me "Suburban Sasquatch". My room mate and I found that completely laughable. I did not even have to view the Rifftrax version of it to get a multitude of guffaws. It was similar to "Plan 9 From Outer Space" so bad in every aspect that it makes one laugh.
He recommended this movie. I assumed it would be in the same in its incompetency level as the other, I was utterly incorrect. I watched 15 minutes of this atrocity and not one laugh.
This is what I reference as a "Purgatory" or "Limbo" movie. A production so completely absent of positive facets, it should not exist. We are being drowned in such movies these days. Everyone believes they can act, write scripts and film, they cannot and this is proof of it.
Cinematography is horrid. Much shot out of focus. Night scenes are badly done. These are the kind of movies that induce headaches. No proper framing of shots.
Acting is non-existent. I saw that one actress had over 100 roles until I saw all were "Uncredited". Can one make a living in films just being a background person?
Sound: At the 15 minute mark we encounter an interaction between a young man and woman. I was raised on a farm in an agricultural area. We had crickets. They were not SO loud that you had difficulty hearing what a person is saying to you standing a scant 2 1/2 foot from you. ADR anyone?
Nothing to see here. It is a waste of your viable life span. I do not understand how SO many of these POS movies are being made. Everyone has to be in complete and utter denial of the fact they are making a piece of excrement.
He recommended this movie. I assumed it would be in the same in its incompetency level as the other, I was utterly incorrect. I watched 15 minutes of this atrocity and not one laugh.
This is what I reference as a "Purgatory" or "Limbo" movie. A production so completely absent of positive facets, it should not exist. We are being drowned in such movies these days. Everyone believes they can act, write scripts and film, they cannot and this is proof of it.
Cinematography is horrid. Much shot out of focus. Night scenes are badly done. These are the kind of movies that induce headaches. No proper framing of shots.
Acting is non-existent. I saw that one actress had over 100 roles until I saw all were "Uncredited". Can one make a living in films just being a background person?
Sound: At the 15 minute mark we encounter an interaction between a young man and woman. I was raised on a farm in an agricultural area. We had crickets. They were not SO loud that you had difficulty hearing what a person is saying to you standing a scant 2 1/2 foot from you. ADR anyone?
Nothing to see here. It is a waste of your viable life span. I do not understand how SO many of these POS movies are being made. Everyone has to be in complete and utter denial of the fact they are making a piece of excrement.
Killjoy 2: Deliverance from Evil
(2002 Video)
Drove me to attempt suicide
22 September 2020
As I approached the climax of this coprolite, I felt an overwhelming desire to take my own life. Fortunately I contacted a suicide help line. The individual with whom I pleaded my plight finally talked some sense into me and told me NEVER, EVER watch another Killjoy movie again or the consequences would be dire... I am still ALIVE!!!!
Killjoy 3
(2010 Video)
No sin is worth having to view this!
22 September 2020
Horrible abhorrent abominable appalling awful cruel disgusting dreadful eerie frightful ghastly grim grisly gruesome heinous hideous horrendous horrid lousy nasty scandalous scary shameful shocking terrible terrifying beastly detestable disagreeable execrable fairy fearful loathsome lurid mean obnoxious offensive repellent repulsive revolting sickie ungodly unholy unkind and completely and utterly UNORIGINAL!!!!
Wood Witch: The Awakening
(2020)
Everything I say and do are SO infinitely interesting...
14 September 2020
Completely and unmitigatedly unwatchable, this project just constantly engages my gag reflex.
The first 15-20 minutes of the introduction of the so called actors is intolerable. Can you actually film an aspect of this generation that is more reprehensible then the "self" absorption that runs rampant in our culture? You have an imbecile in the back seat that cannot get enough of herself on video tell everyone to be quiet because she is blogging. The person next to her is videoing her as she videos herself and the moron in the passenger is videoing both of them videoing! Do all these simpletons actually believe EVERYTHING they say or do is SO infinitely interesting? Well 99.9% of it is NOT. In the context of the movie it is not! How about a script that actually has dialogue that one can at least empathize with the characters or get to know them? No, all wooden and non-interesting mindless twits and prats.
Meet the parent and they do the same thing. Cell phones connected to them by their umbilical cords.
I love the titles sequence, "When Urban Legends Attack"? Does the addlepate that wrote this have any idea what an Urban LEGEND is?
When will "Found footage" videos die? They are so cheap to make they never will. For every one that actually can work you have 99 that just SUCK! and you guessed it, this is one of the 99. Another aberrant AI choice made by TUBI. They should get another AI programmer.
The first 15-20 minutes of the introduction of the so called actors is intolerable. Can you actually film an aspect of this generation that is more reprehensible then the "self" absorption that runs rampant in our culture? You have an imbecile in the back seat that cannot get enough of herself on video tell everyone to be quiet because she is blogging. The person next to her is videoing her as she videos herself and the moron in the passenger is videoing both of them videoing! Do all these simpletons actually believe EVERYTHING they say or do is SO infinitely interesting? Well 99.9% of it is NOT. In the context of the movie it is not! How about a script that actually has dialogue that one can at least empathize with the characters or get to know them? No, all wooden and non-interesting mindless twits and prats.
Meet the parent and they do the same thing. Cell phones connected to them by their umbilical cords.
I love the titles sequence, "When Urban Legends Attack"? Does the addlepate that wrote this have any idea what an Urban LEGEND is?
When will "Found footage" videos die? They are so cheap to make they never will. For every one that actually can work you have 99 that just SUCK! and you guessed it, this is one of the 99. Another aberrant AI choice made by TUBI. They should get another AI programmer.
Sparrow
(I) (2010)
Absent of anything positive...
14 September 2020
Horrid and detestable in every detail this atrocity and affront to humans should not be viewed. It is vapid and innocuous and that is being kind.
Acting is absolutely inadequate and lacking with EVERY individual in this so called production. A few seem to have difficulty even enunciating to a level of being absolutely incomprehensible. No character is interesting in any facet and as a matter of fact are grating in almost every way. They are precisely UNLIKABLE in every action taken.
What a concept to write a story about a killer whom basically in thrown onto the screen just long enough to dispatch a victim (That machete looks really sharp! LOL) then disappears leaving us with moronic actors and lines.
Even if a minuscule budget was spent, that in and of itself is no reason to to give a high rating to it. I have seen LOW budget productions that work.
This was an auto play on Tubi as I just let it pick the next movie. I will show greater discretion next time.
This is a four foot turd in a cesspool!
Acting is absolutely inadequate and lacking with EVERY individual in this so called production. A few seem to have difficulty even enunciating to a level of being absolutely incomprehensible. No character is interesting in any facet and as a matter of fact are grating in almost every way. They are precisely UNLIKABLE in every action taken.
What a concept to write a story about a killer whom basically in thrown onto the screen just long enough to dispatch a victim (That machete looks really sharp! LOL) then disappears leaving us with moronic actors and lines.
Even if a minuscule budget was spent, that in and of itself is no reason to to give a high rating to it. I have seen LOW budget productions that work.
This was an auto play on Tubi as I just let it pick the next movie. I will show greater discretion next time.
This is a four foot turd in a cesspool!
Corbin Nash
(2018)
Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young were a wondrous group.
11 September 2020
Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young were a wondrous group. However Nash Bridges leaves much to be desired. Unfortunately their distant cousin Stephen Nash could not be in the movies due to dying forty six years ago but they did try to find a part on the set for his corpse.
Corey Feldman reprises the role of the cross dressing demonic prostitute thing that he has been appearing as in real life hooking on Hollywood Blvd the prior 2 years. Although while on the street, his make up did not make him look as glamorous as in the movie.
This guy makes GREAT stakes carving them! You would think they were machine turned!
I am quite dubious about the claim at the end of the movie that this was based on a real story. Who knows, maybe Thomas Jefferson really did summon demons!
I was extremely impressed to find out that Grandma Jagger at 97 was able to write this script. And what is more amazing is she suffers from Dementia! GO GRANNIE!
Little does anyone realize the cell scenes were really shot in cells. Amazing.
This movie fills me with glee to know I suffer from short term memory and in a few minutes will remember nothing of it!
There is an inference at the end of this movie that we will be treated to SEQUEL! This is to be called Walter Nash! A real life New Zealand politician that during the course of the movie will fight the forces of evil as he runs for mayor of a small town and saves homeless animals!
I cannot WAIT!!!
Corey Feldman reprises the role of the cross dressing demonic prostitute thing that he has been appearing as in real life hooking on Hollywood Blvd the prior 2 years. Although while on the street, his make up did not make him look as glamorous as in the movie.
This guy makes GREAT stakes carving them! You would think they were machine turned!
I am quite dubious about the claim at the end of the movie that this was based on a real story. Who knows, maybe Thomas Jefferson really did summon demons!
I was extremely impressed to find out that Grandma Jagger at 97 was able to write this script. And what is more amazing is she suffers from Dementia! GO GRANNIE!
Little does anyone realize the cell scenes were really shot in cells. Amazing.
This movie fills me with glee to know I suffer from short term memory and in a few minutes will remember nothing of it!
There is an inference at the end of this movie that we will be treated to SEQUEL! This is to be called Walter Nash! A real life New Zealand politician that during the course of the movie will fight the forces of evil as he runs for mayor of a small town and saves homeless animals!
I cannot WAIT!!!
The House on Cuckoo Lane
(2014)
What do you expect on a 1 dollar and 34 cent budget?
16 August 2020
Warning: Spoilers
This title begins with what would have to be a very short man attempting to hang himself from chin up bar within a door frame with twine. After it breaks 8 times under the weight, he leaves and purchases a sturdy rope only to die from a severe panic attack moments later. The movies goes down hill from there.
We see many shots of trees and fields which pan over a minute to nothing really. I thought I was watching a nature documentary at times. It uses the contrivance of the animal mask. I cannot fathom how this is supposed to inflict fear, personally I think people just look silly. The predominantly utilized mask is a rabbit mask. SCARY!!!!!!
The sound track sets a NEW low in that in certain scenes it is virtually ONE key being pressed on a keyboard. Talk about minimalism! After a few minutes, one will experience brain matter and cranial fluid leaking from their nose.
The main character has a uni-brow so I think there is a sub plot about him suffering from lycanthropy. He and the individual he attempts to get the movie from wear knit hats most of the film but it is not cold.
In the end he becomes a lamb and woman remove a huge pair oxen testicle from his abdomen.
Fortunately the person which receives the tape and promptly watches it, sees the directors cut of the movie which has been edited to 38 seconds and is somewhat viewable. "Old Faithful" proceeds to spout every hour on the hour again!
We see many shots of trees and fields which pan over a minute to nothing really. I thought I was watching a nature documentary at times. It uses the contrivance of the animal mask. I cannot fathom how this is supposed to inflict fear, personally I think people just look silly. The predominantly utilized mask is a rabbit mask. SCARY!!!!!!
The sound track sets a NEW low in that in certain scenes it is virtually ONE key being pressed on a keyboard. Talk about minimalism! After a few minutes, one will experience brain matter and cranial fluid leaking from their nose.
The main character has a uni-brow so I think there is a sub plot about him suffering from lycanthropy. He and the individual he attempts to get the movie from wear knit hats most of the film but it is not cold.
In the end he becomes a lamb and woman remove a huge pair oxen testicle from his abdomen.
Fortunately the person which receives the tape and promptly watches it, sees the directors cut of the movie which has been edited to 38 seconds and is somewhat viewable. "Old Faithful" proceeds to spout every hour on the hour again!
Saturday Morning Mystery
(2012)
Scooby Doo meets The Evil Dead? Not even close.
7 May 2020
Other reviewers claimed that a missed opportunity to create a real life Scooby-Doo movie was missed. No it was not. There were already two made and that is more then enough. One reviewers contends it is not a copy of Scooby-Doo, Yes it is. For all intents and purposes, it is. The ONLY reason I would suspect The Evil Dead is mentioned is due to the amount of blood? Of course the blurb on the cover is a no name site and unknown person so why believe what is claimed? One could make a much better comparison. Yeah, they have a dog, so what?
The objective breakdown:
Cinematography: Less then average. Much of the film is shot in darkness. Camera seemed to have a great deal of difficulty in focusing. You will see many a shot not in focus. Shots are not properly framed. This occurs so frequently it is disturbing.
Sound: Average. Sound is clear and no difficulty discerning dialogue.
Music: Background music does not seem to fit the movie and is repetitious, loud and ingratiating after viewing for a period of time
Acting: Some are average. The actor playing the "Shaggy" character is horrid. The cop is not much better. It is amazing how much work some of these actors have in low, low budget er... movies, should I call them that?
Script: Predictable. This is suppose to be a parody. It is extremely obvious that the two writers attempted quite a bit of humor in the dialogue. The problem is, none of it is funny at all. The inability to write humor and the actors inability to deliver the lines properly is as painful as performing botched eye surgery upon one's self with a spatula. It fail completely what it sets out to do.
If one has absolutely nothing else to watch I guess one could watch this. There are SO many bad movies made it is like being hit by a tsunami. Regurgitation of the same film over and over makes me want to regurgitate.
The objective breakdown:
Cinematography: Less then average. Much of the film is shot in darkness. Camera seemed to have a great deal of difficulty in focusing. You will see many a shot not in focus. Shots are not properly framed. This occurs so frequently it is disturbing.
Sound: Average. Sound is clear and no difficulty discerning dialogue.
Music: Background music does not seem to fit the movie and is repetitious, loud and ingratiating after viewing for a period of time
Acting: Some are average. The actor playing the "Shaggy" character is horrid. The cop is not much better. It is amazing how much work some of these actors have in low, low budget er... movies, should I call them that?
Script: Predictable. This is suppose to be a parody. It is extremely obvious that the two writers attempted quite a bit of humor in the dialogue. The problem is, none of it is funny at all. The inability to write humor and the actors inability to deliver the lines properly is as painful as performing botched eye surgery upon one's self with a spatula. It fail completely what it sets out to do.
If one has absolutely nothing else to watch I guess one could watch this. There are SO many bad movies made it is like being hit by a tsunami. Regurgitation of the same film over and over makes me want to regurgitate.
Strawberry Estates
(1997)
A truly insipidly made... um film?
18 April 2020
The objective breakdown:
Cinematography: Non-existent. It is unknown what this movie was shot with but what was edited was not worth the effort. The individual shooting the film did not know how to focus the equipment. You can essentially attain a headache by attempting to view. Color is horrid, shots not blocked. I would liken to compare to a first effort by a person that knows nothing of the film process and received a cameras for their birthday.
Sound: Horrendous: They either used one microphone and just planted it in one location or multiple mics and not configured correctly. The amplitude of a voice will go from too loud to so soft you can barely hear and back again. Try and understand the reception from the walkie talkies.
Music: There is none. You would think the creator would have known someone that could have created a little mood music and loop it incessantly like so many other bad movies.
Acting: Stupefying: it is painfully obvious that no one is an actor. One would think at least one person would at least be passable. This is what one gets when one has no money and friends that you believe can act or you spent money and have no clue what talent is.
Script: Your brain will disengage within a matter of minutes. The writer loses focus and just rambles from one thing to another. We are subjected to idiotic conversations that are supposed to be thought provoking but are the lamest and non logical arguments one hears constantly. I do love the comment about psychics solving crimes, you can read about it in the National Inquirer! Now that line made me laugh!
Funny that they mention "Purgatory" because this is what I classify this movie as. It is a "Purgatory" or "Limbo". It has absolutely no redeeming quality to it what so ever. It is not passable and it does not provide any amusement in being so incompetently made. Do NOT waste time from your life viewing this piece of flotsam.
Cinematography: Non-existent. It is unknown what this movie was shot with but what was edited was not worth the effort. The individual shooting the film did not know how to focus the equipment. You can essentially attain a headache by attempting to view. Color is horrid, shots not blocked. I would liken to compare to a first effort by a person that knows nothing of the film process and received a cameras for their birthday.
Sound: Horrendous: They either used one microphone and just planted it in one location or multiple mics and not configured correctly. The amplitude of a voice will go from too loud to so soft you can barely hear and back again. Try and understand the reception from the walkie talkies.
Music: There is none. You would think the creator would have known someone that could have created a little mood music and loop it incessantly like so many other bad movies.
Acting: Stupefying: it is painfully obvious that no one is an actor. One would think at least one person would at least be passable. This is what one gets when one has no money and friends that you believe can act or you spent money and have no clue what talent is.
Script: Your brain will disengage within a matter of minutes. The writer loses focus and just rambles from one thing to another. We are subjected to idiotic conversations that are supposed to be thought provoking but are the lamest and non logical arguments one hears constantly. I do love the comment about psychics solving crimes, you can read about it in the National Inquirer! Now that line made me laugh!
Funny that they mention "Purgatory" because this is what I classify this movie as. It is a "Purgatory" or "Limbo". It has absolutely no redeeming quality to it what so ever. It is not passable and it does not provide any amusement in being so incompetently made. Do NOT waste time from your life viewing this piece of flotsam.
Dark Moon Rising
(2015)
This is to substansiate Harry-Kyles listing of all the false reviews.
31 March 2020
Warning: Spoilers
This is one of my favorite "BAD" movies after viewing it. That equates into that its production values are SO horrid that they are laughable. At the very, least it does not fall into the "purgatory" category of films for me, those so replete of value they have NO redeeming qualities. Lets combine a teen movie with werewolves and Mortal Combat and War flashbacks and attempting to be an enigma at the same time.
Sound: Very iffy, I had allot of trouble either hearing dialogue or that is was spoken so badly, I could not understand it. Too many actors have accents that over ride clarity in speech or it sounds like their mouths are full of cotton. Dialogue is TRULY atrocious. I dubbed one werewolf, the "Fro" wolf. His visage is truly hilarious. His dialogue is bereft with attempting to be menacing but only ends up overacting and it is hilarious. So the sound will force you to find a deceased, roadkill porcupine, pull quills from it and then puncture your ear drums with them.
Cinematography: Have you seen dark movies? I mean REALLY dark. The opening 5 minutes of the movie are almost unwatchable. I had to turn brightness WAY up to even see what was going on (not that is was worth it). So during any night scene, get up and prepare and bake a turkey, at least do something positive! I do not know what camera was utilized to shoot this with but it was wholly inadequate. Maybe compression in the editing stage? Maybe a wayward Badger edited it?
Acting: I would have a difficult time attempting to even choose an actor or actress I thought was even adequate. They are lack luster, over acting, monotone at times. All will make you laugh. I cannot recall one interaction in this film I felt was adequate. The only actor I know in the film is Jason Roberts and he is in 100s of movies. The "Nam" flashback scene that seems to go on forever is a perfect example of the acting caliber displayed in this, I do not know what to call it, it is not a film.
Special Effects: They are truly funny. We do see a CGI werewolf for 7 seconds total on screen. I think that is all they could afford. My FAVORITE segment? The werewolves attack their victims in the forests where they were lured. During the carnage, one female werewolf that has not transformed, grabs someone's intestines and proceeds to fly upwards off the screen! That induced a HUGE belly laugh. Eric Roberts "Nam" flashback? What a scene! I did not know what the Hell he was babbling about. It ends in a flashback of Nam, shot in someone's backyard. If that actor is supposed to be Roberts, he is overweight, with long red hair and looks NOTHING like Roberts! Let us not forget all the Mortal combat moves the werewolves have. "Fro" wolf has aluminum piping over one arm and he can project the dreaded "VENOM ATTACK"! One female werewolf can use her clear crystal like arm to touch a head and let us see a very cheap graphic representation of, what I believe are neurons? At the beginning of the movie (I call it that reluctantly) one has power over roots or vines to snare a woman. They project snow or frost or ashes or feathers, Hell I do not know what it is! It cause grease paint to be smeared upon actor's faces as they dance. Also they wear very kinky leather clothes and can transform and never do any damage to their leather underwear! A must need to see scene has the main character "Chase" the emo, gazes into a mirror and has a wolf muzzle pop from his face! Truly a side splitting moment! It is SO badly done! Well, Ken and Ryu, Scorpion and Sub Zero would still kick all their asses!
Script: Fails on every level. Nothing of interest to follow and creates no empathy or chemistry for characters.
Music: HA HA HA HA HA! That is called music?
I think that is adequate to say the least. Watch it IF you like laughs from VERY BAD movies.
It is pathetic that movie makers have employed individuals to write erroneous reviews for movies to falsely raise their ratings but this has been going on for years. I perceive this in one way. These are people attempting to STEAL money from you. They are no better then the individuals that pull a gun on you and take your wallet. It is wondrous that people can lie and steal and it is perfectly acceptable. Please realize that is precisely what these things are doing. They are destroying a rating system we use to determine if a movie is worth watching and stealing from us. If IMDB continues to do nothing about this perhaps we should start to counteract the tide. We should create 20 false reviews giving 1 star to this pathetic attempt at a movie and bring it back to reality.
Sound: Very iffy, I had allot of trouble either hearing dialogue or that is was spoken so badly, I could not understand it. Too many actors have accents that over ride clarity in speech or it sounds like their mouths are full of cotton. Dialogue is TRULY atrocious. I dubbed one werewolf, the "Fro" wolf. His visage is truly hilarious. His dialogue is bereft with attempting to be menacing but only ends up overacting and it is hilarious. So the sound will force you to find a deceased, roadkill porcupine, pull quills from it and then puncture your ear drums with them.
Cinematography: Have you seen dark movies? I mean REALLY dark. The opening 5 minutes of the movie are almost unwatchable. I had to turn brightness WAY up to even see what was going on (not that is was worth it). So during any night scene, get up and prepare and bake a turkey, at least do something positive! I do not know what camera was utilized to shoot this with but it was wholly inadequate. Maybe compression in the editing stage? Maybe a wayward Badger edited it?
Acting: I would have a difficult time attempting to even choose an actor or actress I thought was even adequate. They are lack luster, over acting, monotone at times. All will make you laugh. I cannot recall one interaction in this film I felt was adequate. The only actor I know in the film is Jason Roberts and he is in 100s of movies. The "Nam" flashback scene that seems to go on forever is a perfect example of the acting caliber displayed in this, I do not know what to call it, it is not a film.
Special Effects: They are truly funny. We do see a CGI werewolf for 7 seconds total on screen. I think that is all they could afford. My FAVORITE segment? The werewolves attack their victims in the forests where they were lured. During the carnage, one female werewolf that has not transformed, grabs someone's intestines and proceeds to fly upwards off the screen! That induced a HUGE belly laugh. Eric Roberts "Nam" flashback? What a scene! I did not know what the Hell he was babbling about. It ends in a flashback of Nam, shot in someone's backyard. If that actor is supposed to be Roberts, he is overweight, with long red hair and looks NOTHING like Roberts! Let us not forget all the Mortal combat moves the werewolves have. "Fro" wolf has aluminum piping over one arm and he can project the dreaded "VENOM ATTACK"! One female werewolf can use her clear crystal like arm to touch a head and let us see a very cheap graphic representation of, what I believe are neurons? At the beginning of the movie (I call it that reluctantly) one has power over roots or vines to snare a woman. They project snow or frost or ashes or feathers, Hell I do not know what it is! It cause grease paint to be smeared upon actor's faces as they dance. Also they wear very kinky leather clothes and can transform and never do any damage to their leather underwear! A must need to see scene has the main character "Chase" the emo, gazes into a mirror and has a wolf muzzle pop from his face! Truly a side splitting moment! It is SO badly done! Well, Ken and Ryu, Scorpion and Sub Zero would still kick all their asses!
Script: Fails on every level. Nothing of interest to follow and creates no empathy or chemistry for characters.
Music: HA HA HA HA HA! That is called music?
I think that is adequate to say the least. Watch it IF you like laughs from VERY BAD movies.
It is pathetic that movie makers have employed individuals to write erroneous reviews for movies to falsely raise their ratings but this has been going on for years. I perceive this in one way. These are people attempting to STEAL money from you. They are no better then the individuals that pull a gun on you and take your wallet. It is wondrous that people can lie and steal and it is perfectly acceptable. Please realize that is precisely what these things are doing. They are destroying a rating system we use to determine if a movie is worth watching and stealing from us. If IMDB continues to do nothing about this perhaps we should start to counteract the tide. We should create 20 false reviews giving 1 star to this pathetic attempt at a movie and bring it back to reality.
Good for a Godzilla Flick
26 December 2019
At the end of Christmas day, I treated myself to the spectacle that is "Godzilla, King of the Monsters (2019)". I have been a life long viewer of the iconic, mutilated beastie so the movie sated that, my desire to view a "Big Green" movie. I thoroughly enjoyed the CGI variations of the classic monsters and their shenanigans that would end in the oft death and destruction of humans and their abodes.
Afterwards I decided to visit the Internet Movie Database Site to attempt to gauge the response to the movie. This site has actually in that vein become useless in that so many false reviews are posted as to skew any reliable rating.
Let us define what the vast majority of imbeciles deem a review. They post "opinions". Are you aware that an opinion is NOT a review. If a person is to proffer an objective review, it would entail such observations such as quality of cinematography, quality of music, sound, acting, story, quality of special effects, etc. One would take these individual observation and explain in detail why they fail or succeed.
The large percentile of bipedal, thought deficient twits that decide to write a review dwell into nary a reason as to why their opinion should even be perused. Hence I was quite entertained by what I read.
Let us start with "This is a GODZILLA movie". The cretins that proclaim this movie deserves a 1 or 2 have obviously never seen a Godzilla movie. "It had a horrible story" they whine. Please elucidate me. Name the academy award winning "Godzilla" movie you are comparing this to? I have seen every Godzilla movie made. They are like old friends. Let me expound upon this. When I find myself under the weather and convalescing, I love throwing in a good old Godzilla movie. If it is an MST3k or Rifftrax version, all the better! I can only liken it to having a companion sitting in the room with me and it brings me comfort.
What are these decriers of the film screaming about a poor story? We have seen this story in countless other Godzilla movies. How many times have you seen the monsters controlled and utilized by aliens to wreak mass destruction and death? I can name the movies. How many times has someone used an oxygen destroyer? I can name the movies. How many times is the focal point a child? I can name the movies. How many times is the military brought in to deal with the problem with new weapons? I can name the movies. How many of them have a revenge motive? I can name the movies. Story wise, is it is a Godzilla movie, what did you expect you anencephalic twits?
We are discussing THIRTY FIVE films! The majority consists of grown individuals in rubber suits wrestling with each other on miniature constructed sets they destroy and due to sweating profusely, also smell intolerable! All are horridly dubbed. My preference is to have captions on and soundtrack in native language. You want bad? I will make you watch "Godzilla VS the Smog Monster" from start to finish. Then you will know what "BAD" is. So essentially take your 1s and 2s as your rating and cram them up your posterior orifice! You demonstrate you know NOTHING about Godzilla movies or movies in general. You would not know a bad movie if it crawled inside your underwear and stitched your buttock together with cat gut.
This one is even more inane. "The acting was horrible!" Can any twit enlighten me as to when it was a requisite to have the ability to act to be in a Godzilla movie? These movies have always been low budget films. The acting in the new movie is more than adequate. The cast is comprised of some very well-known actors and they are more than competent in their roles. What did you expect, Shakespearean trained thespians?
Anyone that complains about the CGI qualifies for a trans-orbital lobotomy. "Calling doctor Freeman and please bring your ice pick!" If you are attempting to contend that prior movies consisted of better effects, I am truly sorry about whatever unfortunate circumstances befell you to cause such a monumental amount of brain damage. I guess neural plasticity is of no benefit to you. CGI was very good and I could recognize the monsters with no difficulty. We even get our obligatory shot of Godzilla standing up in the middle of the ocean which he can do, no matter the depth! His great girth is very float worthy.
I was disappointed that they did not use the Blue Oyster Cult song "Godzilla" at the end of the movie. The version used was dreadful. The sound track was more than adequate as well likening back to variations of previous tried and true and recognizable themes.
Even if you are not a Godzilla fan or are a Godzilla fan, the movie does deserve at least an average rating. It is hardly the worse movie ever made and it is not even close to being the best movie ever made. There is a reality, why not attempt to seek it instead of wallowing in your version of it.
Afterwards I decided to visit the Internet Movie Database Site to attempt to gauge the response to the movie. This site has actually in that vein become useless in that so many false reviews are posted as to skew any reliable rating.
Let us define what the vast majority of imbeciles deem a review. They post "opinions". Are you aware that an opinion is NOT a review. If a person is to proffer an objective review, it would entail such observations such as quality of cinematography, quality of music, sound, acting, story, quality of special effects, etc. One would take these individual observation and explain in detail why they fail or succeed.
The large percentile of bipedal, thought deficient twits that decide to write a review dwell into nary a reason as to why their opinion should even be perused. Hence I was quite entertained by what I read.
Let us start with "This is a GODZILLA movie". The cretins that proclaim this movie deserves a 1 or 2 have obviously never seen a Godzilla movie. "It had a horrible story" they whine. Please elucidate me. Name the academy award winning "Godzilla" movie you are comparing this to? I have seen every Godzilla movie made. They are like old friends. Let me expound upon this. When I find myself under the weather and convalescing, I love throwing in a good old Godzilla movie. If it is an MST3k or Rifftrax version, all the better! I can only liken it to having a companion sitting in the room with me and it brings me comfort.
What are these decriers of the film screaming about a poor story? We have seen this story in countless other Godzilla movies. How many times have you seen the monsters controlled and utilized by aliens to wreak mass destruction and death? I can name the movies. How many times has someone used an oxygen destroyer? I can name the movies. How many times is the focal point a child? I can name the movies. How many times is the military brought in to deal with the problem with new weapons? I can name the movies. How many of them have a revenge motive? I can name the movies. Story wise, is it is a Godzilla movie, what did you expect you anencephalic twits?
We are discussing THIRTY FIVE films! The majority consists of grown individuals in rubber suits wrestling with each other on miniature constructed sets they destroy and due to sweating profusely, also smell intolerable! All are horridly dubbed. My preference is to have captions on and soundtrack in native language. You want bad? I will make you watch "Godzilla VS the Smog Monster" from start to finish. Then you will know what "BAD" is. So essentially take your 1s and 2s as your rating and cram them up your posterior orifice! You demonstrate you know NOTHING about Godzilla movies or movies in general. You would not know a bad movie if it crawled inside your underwear and stitched your buttock together with cat gut.
This one is even more inane. "The acting was horrible!" Can any twit enlighten me as to when it was a requisite to have the ability to act to be in a Godzilla movie? These movies have always been low budget films. The acting in the new movie is more than adequate. The cast is comprised of some very well-known actors and they are more than competent in their roles. What did you expect, Shakespearean trained thespians?
Anyone that complains about the CGI qualifies for a trans-orbital lobotomy. "Calling doctor Freeman and please bring your ice pick!" If you are attempting to contend that prior movies consisted of better effects, I am truly sorry about whatever unfortunate circumstances befell you to cause such a monumental amount of brain damage. I guess neural plasticity is of no benefit to you. CGI was very good and I could recognize the monsters with no difficulty. We even get our obligatory shot of Godzilla standing up in the middle of the ocean which he can do, no matter the depth! His great girth is very float worthy.
I was disappointed that they did not use the Blue Oyster Cult song "Godzilla" at the end of the movie. The version used was dreadful. The sound track was more than adequate as well likening back to variations of previous tried and true and recognizable themes.
Even if you are not a Godzilla fan or are a Godzilla fan, the movie does deserve at least an average rating. It is hardly the worse movie ever made and it is not even close to being the best movie ever made. There is a reality, why not attempt to seek it instead of wallowing in your version of it.
Insipid (What the name of the film should have been)
7 April 2019
"To the PAIN!" The Dwead Pirate Woberts quips and then gives a full detailed explanation as to what it entails. After viewing this film I did exclaim out loud in the theater to the five people remaining "Dear God! What was that thing,"!
A horrendous script of a movie and equally horrid acting makes this a solution to curing your insomnia.
I love the fact that one of the character claims to have two knives that the Ripper used. She claims they have been authenticated. How is that possible? No one knows who the ripper was. There are up to 24 suspects, a mystery never to be solved. Did Jack send the knives to the police with a secret code at the time so they know he came from him?
An original horror script is asked from a group of writers and what do we get? "Jack the Ripper." Wow , original... How many movies have been focused upon Jack? Too many to write anything original. There is NOTHING original!
What about the sequence in which they are roaming around the building in cut scenes all experiencing or acting out horror and sound track is playing Hall and Oates "She's Gone". What the Hell do those song lyrics have to do with ANYTHING we are viewing? I was flabbergasted at that point.
So instead of viewing this creatively devoid film, watch the movie "Time After Time" which is a fun and wondrous movie pertaining to the Ripper and let this piece garbage rot by the side of the road and find its way into the sewage system.
A horrendous script of a movie and equally horrid acting makes this a solution to curing your insomnia.
I love the fact that one of the character claims to have two knives that the Ripper used. She claims they have been authenticated. How is that possible? No one knows who the ripper was. There are up to 24 suspects, a mystery never to be solved. Did Jack send the knives to the police with a secret code at the time so they know he came from him?
An original horror script is asked from a group of writers and what do we get? "Jack the Ripper." Wow , original... How many movies have been focused upon Jack? Too many to write anything original. There is NOTHING original!
What about the sequence in which they are roaming around the building in cut scenes all experiencing or acting out horror and sound track is playing Hall and Oates "She's Gone". What the Hell do those song lyrics have to do with ANYTHING we are viewing? I was flabbergasted at that point.
So instead of viewing this creatively devoid film, watch the movie "Time After Time" which is a fun and wondrous movie pertaining to the Ripper and let this piece garbage rot by the side of the road and find its way into the sewage system.
Monster from Green Hell
(1957)
I am allergic to wasp venom!
5 February 2019
Let us just examine the title. First point there are "Monsters" not "A" monster. Second why would there be a location in Africa at that time named "Green Hell"? Would tribesman that have no idea or concept of Hell name it that? And that is just the title.
The copy I viewed was horribly cropped and appeared to be filmed through a screen door. These so called creatures just super imposed over footage do not resemble a wasp in any way shape or form. I have seen them in my bathroom during an acid trip though.
Someone inquired as to why MST3K never discovered this film. Well we did have a film with too much mountain climbing. One with a twenty five minute sand storm sequence. This film with its 46 minutes of walking sequences is just way too painful to bare.
The natives actually repeal the laws of perspective and psychics in this film. There is a sequence in which a tribal archer takes a shooting position on a ridge shooting perpendicular at porters. His toy bow can obviously not shoot a projectile 20 feet. There are huge number porters walking in a single file, 5-6 foot behind the one another as they march. They are 200-250 foot away. The archer hits one of the porters in the back. WHAT? The was the sequence that gave me a belly laugh.
I know they had pesticides at that time and just a few cans would have solved the entire problem. We can only hope this movie is redone in a more modern even crappier Sci Fy movie.
The copy I viewed was horribly cropped and appeared to be filmed through a screen door. These so called creatures just super imposed over footage do not resemble a wasp in any way shape or form. I have seen them in my bathroom during an acid trip though.
Someone inquired as to why MST3K never discovered this film. Well we did have a film with too much mountain climbing. One with a twenty five minute sand storm sequence. This film with its 46 minutes of walking sequences is just way too painful to bare.
The natives actually repeal the laws of perspective and psychics in this film. There is a sequence in which a tribal archer takes a shooting position on a ridge shooting perpendicular at porters. His toy bow can obviously not shoot a projectile 20 feet. There are huge number porters walking in a single file, 5-6 foot behind the one another as they march. They are 200-250 foot away. The archer hits one of the porters in the back. WHAT? The was the sequence that gave me a belly laugh.
I know they had pesticides at that time and just a few cans would have solved the entire problem. We can only hope this movie is redone in a more modern even crappier Sci Fy movie.
Spookies
(1986)
What is insanity?
1 January 2019
Warning: Spoilers
I am a connoisseur of horrid movies for a reason, and this movie is a perfect example of such. Just knowing that some demented film editor believed wholly that it was possible to take unrelated film footage and create a viable film is reason enough to watch it. The editor was not taking his psychiatric medications when beset by this deluded belief.
The leather outfit that Duke is outfitted in looks like a nine dollar plastic workout suit designed just to make one sweat. The cat boy reminded me of Night Crawler from the X-Men. Someone in a review commented he was dressed like a pirate... WHAT? No, I do not believe pirates attired themselves as such and the reviewer lives in the land of Dairy Queen obviously. The deflation of the actor snared in the spider web gave me a great laugh out loud moment.
While I am a fan of special effects and can appreciate the effort utilized in creating so many of them, quite a number of them do not stand up over a period of time. I love seeing latex wrinkle horribly after application so you can definitely tell it is latex over the skin. Why the small aquatic creatures? They are just flopping around the house I surmise. Perhaps they were mutated sperm. I do love the last shot of the one as a reaction shot. Utilization of bright lights was a favorite in this film. I did love one zombie that jumps out at the woman attempting to run away. He is a sniper zombie. We know this because he has branches tied to his head and he is moving WAY faster then any other zombie. Now that is a LOW budget effect!
Acting sets a new limbo low for this facet of films. The person that was in charge of gathering this menagerie of talentless twits should be awarded in that aspect. How can a person hiring for a cast this large not even accidentally hire an actor with some ability? Just by the laws of average, one should have crept in!
The music is a monotonous and simplistic synthesizer creation. Nothing to write about here, just irritating.
I gave it a three due to the fact I was mesmerized at just how bad the movie is. If it is viewed closely one will find something to laugh at. Reviewers claim it is a dark comedy. Unfortunately, any attempts at a laugh fail stupendously. You WILL laugh at many aspects of the production though.
Unfortunately for the human race, 3/4 of film makers creating movies presently utilized this movie was a lesson on how to create a film.
Watch it for bad film laughs.
The leather outfit that Duke is outfitted in looks like a nine dollar plastic workout suit designed just to make one sweat. The cat boy reminded me of Night Crawler from the X-Men. Someone in a review commented he was dressed like a pirate... WHAT? No, I do not believe pirates attired themselves as such and the reviewer lives in the land of Dairy Queen obviously. The deflation of the actor snared in the spider web gave me a great laugh out loud moment.
While I am a fan of special effects and can appreciate the effort utilized in creating so many of them, quite a number of them do not stand up over a period of time. I love seeing latex wrinkle horribly after application so you can definitely tell it is latex over the skin. Why the small aquatic creatures? They are just flopping around the house I surmise. Perhaps they were mutated sperm. I do love the last shot of the one as a reaction shot. Utilization of bright lights was a favorite in this film. I did love one zombie that jumps out at the woman attempting to run away. He is a sniper zombie. We know this because he has branches tied to his head and he is moving WAY faster then any other zombie. Now that is a LOW budget effect!
Acting sets a new limbo low for this facet of films. The person that was in charge of gathering this menagerie of talentless twits should be awarded in that aspect. How can a person hiring for a cast this large not even accidentally hire an actor with some ability? Just by the laws of average, one should have crept in!
The music is a monotonous and simplistic synthesizer creation. Nothing to write about here, just irritating.
I gave it a three due to the fact I was mesmerized at just how bad the movie is. If it is viewed closely one will find something to laugh at. Reviewers claim it is a dark comedy. Unfortunately, any attempts at a laugh fail stupendously. You WILL laugh at many aspects of the production though.
Unfortunately for the human race, 3/4 of film makers creating movies presently utilized this movie was a lesson on how to create a film.
Watch it for bad film laughs.
Reviews, who needs them?
9 April 2017
Warning: Spoilers
This movie is a perfect example of why viewer's reviews are completely and utterly superfluous. The word of the day my completely misguided misanthropes is "SUBJECTIVITY". Obviously people do not and have not attempted upon expanding and utilizing the neural network you physiologically have been gifted since birth. The vast majority could easily create the same reviews applying the same brain power they have in their posteriors. Use some critical thinking skills here and take your "reality" out of the equation.
1. Those that gave this movie the near or perfect maximum rating. Do you REALLY believe this movie is the penultimate that man has written or filmed? You must, you believe it perfect and it stand against the greatest of films ever created. That is UTTER nonsense. It is an average film at best in our realm of reasoning. You obviously have VERY little experience with films. Please mull upon this point for a moment.
2. It is NOT a one star movie. Again, the persons thinking that have absolutely NO idea what a bad movie is and obviously NEVER watches movies so their experience in the overall reality we all share is so limited their opinion is irrelevant. I could give you the names of 100s of movies that you could not bear to view. Again, no experience.
3. Take yourself out of the loop when attempting to do a review, you can't! Whatever you are "FEELING" or "OPINION" (utterly valueless) is what we are given as a review. Pointless and meaningless.
4. If we appropriate the stream of thinking 99.9% of people present upon IMDb we come up with a completely acceptable but wholly untrue statement. "Casablanca was one of the worst films ever made because I loathe Humphrey Bogart and feel he had no acting ability". Again "You" were the main focal point of said statement, not the movie or actor. This is what these ridiculous reviews boil down to. Utter worthlessness. I think, I feel, who cares?
5. Do we REALLY need 7,000 reviews focusing on a movie? No, all imbeciles do is continually write the EXACT same point (positive or negative) ad nausea. Unless a movie has very FEW reviews or you have something to bring to the review that is of REAL interest, why write?
So what we do experience is an entity "Netflix", which is basing its financial existence upon creating a body of original work to sell as a service. They have had a few successes and the majority is "average". They touch base upon all genres to attempt to get saturation and viewer-ship. This is foray in the "Gothic" horror realm. Very little is produced in this sub-genre per year. It is competently shot. It has adequate acting. It is slow paced so if you expect "Aliens" you are not going to like it. The score it has derived at 4.7 is aptly given, an average movie. People, start using the three pounds of convoluted tissue that resides in your cranium for once. Perhaps you will begin to experience the "Shared" reality we hominids experience and not just "YOUR" reality.
1. Those that gave this movie the near or perfect maximum rating. Do you REALLY believe this movie is the penultimate that man has written or filmed? You must, you believe it perfect and it stand against the greatest of films ever created. That is UTTER nonsense. It is an average film at best in our realm of reasoning. You obviously have VERY little experience with films. Please mull upon this point for a moment.
2. It is NOT a one star movie. Again, the persons thinking that have absolutely NO idea what a bad movie is and obviously NEVER watches movies so their experience in the overall reality we all share is so limited their opinion is irrelevant. I could give you the names of 100s of movies that you could not bear to view. Again, no experience.
3. Take yourself out of the loop when attempting to do a review, you can't! Whatever you are "FEELING" or "OPINION" (utterly valueless) is what we are given as a review. Pointless and meaningless.
4. If we appropriate the stream of thinking 99.9% of people present upon IMDb we come up with a completely acceptable but wholly untrue statement. "Casablanca was one of the worst films ever made because I loathe Humphrey Bogart and feel he had no acting ability". Again "You" were the main focal point of said statement, not the movie or actor. This is what these ridiculous reviews boil down to. Utter worthlessness. I think, I feel, who cares?
5. Do we REALLY need 7,000 reviews focusing on a movie? No, all imbeciles do is continually write the EXACT same point (positive or negative) ad nausea. Unless a movie has very FEW reviews or you have something to bring to the review that is of REAL interest, why write?
So what we do experience is an entity "Netflix", which is basing its financial existence upon creating a body of original work to sell as a service. They have had a few successes and the majority is "average". They touch base upon all genres to attempt to get saturation and viewer-ship. This is foray in the "Gothic" horror realm. Very little is produced in this sub-genre per year. It is competently shot. It has adequate acting. It is slow paced so if you expect "Aliens" you are not going to like it. The score it has derived at 4.7 is aptly given, an average movie. People, start using the three pounds of convoluted tissue that resides in your cranium for once. Perhaps you will begin to experience the "Shared" reality we hominids experience and not just "YOUR" reality.
The Windmill
(2016)
Predictable old plot done to death.
4 April 2017
Warning: Spoilers
How can a movie that is based on such a typical and overused theme rate so highly? The theme? People that have committed an irreconcilable sin are transported to the gates of Hell and because there is no atoning or reconciliation for that abhorrent act engaged upon, their souls are reaped for Hell. Do not mind that if I bring up Hell, which must exist therefore within the context of the movie, God surely does not give a crap about innocents!
If you are going to make a slasher film, make a crappy slasher movie in a genre with it's too many to count slashers. If you make a redemption film make a redemption film. Reviews here claim a "Freshness" just because the main area is Dutch. No wonder everyone is so willing to watch the SAME idea over and over again and rationalize that it is different somehow.
I can only fathom that viewers giving it a high score have not read too many short stories or books or seen many movies in their life because this theme is done over and over. "Well people in this film have different names and in a different locale". A basic plot is a basic plot is a basic plot.
This movie is SO predictable as they all are. So I am left with perhaps great acting, no, adequate. How about music? Adequate. Is the protagonist an interesting character? No. Design for the Miller? Pathetic. Typical run of the mill (no pun intended) death scenes. The shooting and backgrounds were good. Just aspects of the film taken from this movie and that.
If you are going to make a slasher film, make a crappy slasher movie in a genre with it's too many to count slashers. If you make a redemption film make a redemption film. Reviews here claim a "Freshness" just because the main area is Dutch. No wonder everyone is so willing to watch the SAME idea over and over again and rationalize that it is different somehow.
I can only fathom that viewers giving it a high score have not read too many short stories or books or seen many movies in their life because this theme is done over and over. "Well people in this film have different names and in a different locale". A basic plot is a basic plot is a basic plot.
This movie is SO predictable as they all are. So I am left with perhaps great acting, no, adequate. How about music? Adequate. Is the protagonist an interesting character? No. Design for the Miller? Pathetic. Typical run of the mill (no pun intended) death scenes. The shooting and backgrounds were good. Just aspects of the film taken from this movie and that.
The Taking
(2013)
This is SO bad I will review another movie!
31 March 2017
Warning: Spoilers
I was astonished to see this movie rated this high so I felt it a necessity to add my 1 out of 10 stars to the tally. I have watched nigh 1000s upon 1000s of films, many low budget and I have yet to find a match for this one.For as bad as "Manos, the Hands of Fate" was at least it was laughable. This movie does NOT exhibit one redeeming quality what o ever. Stay away and save the time out of your life this would have sucked away!
The Crypt
(2009)
Facts I learned from the movie "The Crypt"
2 March 2017
Warning: Spoilers
1. It is imperative that young woman spend an inordinate amount of time applying makeup and hair so they look as attractive as possible when delving into a tomb to extricate valuables.
2. All member of said group of thieves must wear the same coordinated clothing. Very low cut black tank tops to extenuate the bosoms and skin tight shorts to accentuate the derrière for from behind buttock shots. Just forgo clothing and gloves to protect the body while crawling around in an antiquated tomb.
3. As always with any antiquated location when the intrepid group arrives, electricity is on. This a tomb that was supposedly sealed off decades ago. Some well-meaning individual has also obviously been changing out incandescent light bulbs as they burn out. Thumbs up helpful citizen.
4. The obligatory scene when a thief is checking for a cell phone signal underground through yards of cement. DOH
5. One of the most illogical and ridiculous lines written for an actor: Leader of group is explaining to the only other member alive that she had been in this tomb a few years before and had seen the animated dead and she was not bothered by them so she forms the cogent thought that they would not bother as a group as they were ripping the dead off. Lug wrench to the head!
6. The idea that a tomb is the location of millions of dollars' worth of jewelry and cash is completely and UTTERLY unbelievable. Thieves would be killing one another to get into the tomb and it would have to be under armed guard to prevent theft.
7. A young lady is capable of looking at an antiquated piece of jewelry and immediately give you the going monetary value of said piece. RIGHT!
8. The tombs animated dead individual dealing out justice is obviously James Belushi dressed as Jake Blues. He was perfect for the part since he is ungainly deteriorated and rotted. You just CANNOT mistake that Jake Blues smile!
9. Never feel regret nor remorse over your scumbag boyfriend enough to once again enter said tomb to find you cannot extract him and he meets his demise at the hands of Jake Blues in a matter of seconds.
10. If you are SUCH a professional perhaps when stealing an automobile you can utilize that cell phone to keep in contact with another of your posse to relay to you in REAL time what the owner is doing. Especially since he is a crack shot with a pistol and is able to shoot through the front window and score a head shot on the person sitting in the back seat behind the person in the passenger seat.
What is interesting is that there is a movie here but you have to make it gritty to work not just film young woman scantily clothed that become the masturbatory fuel for adolescent males.
2. All member of said group of thieves must wear the same coordinated clothing. Very low cut black tank tops to extenuate the bosoms and skin tight shorts to accentuate the derrière for from behind buttock shots. Just forgo clothing and gloves to protect the body while crawling around in an antiquated tomb.
3. As always with any antiquated location when the intrepid group arrives, electricity is on. This a tomb that was supposedly sealed off decades ago. Some well-meaning individual has also obviously been changing out incandescent light bulbs as they burn out. Thumbs up helpful citizen.
4. The obligatory scene when a thief is checking for a cell phone signal underground through yards of cement. DOH
5. One of the most illogical and ridiculous lines written for an actor: Leader of group is explaining to the only other member alive that she had been in this tomb a few years before and had seen the animated dead and she was not bothered by them so she forms the cogent thought that they would not bother as a group as they were ripping the dead off. Lug wrench to the head!
6. The idea that a tomb is the location of millions of dollars' worth of jewelry and cash is completely and UTTERLY unbelievable. Thieves would be killing one another to get into the tomb and it would have to be under armed guard to prevent theft.
7. A young lady is capable of looking at an antiquated piece of jewelry and immediately give you the going monetary value of said piece. RIGHT!
8. The tombs animated dead individual dealing out justice is obviously James Belushi dressed as Jake Blues. He was perfect for the part since he is ungainly deteriorated and rotted. You just CANNOT mistake that Jake Blues smile!
9. Never feel regret nor remorse over your scumbag boyfriend enough to once again enter said tomb to find you cannot extract him and he meets his demise at the hands of Jake Blues in a matter of seconds.
10. If you are SUCH a professional perhaps when stealing an automobile you can utilize that cell phone to keep in contact with another of your posse to relay to you in REAL time what the owner is doing. Especially since he is a crack shot with a pistol and is able to shoot through the front window and score a head shot on the person sitting in the back seat behind the person in the passenger seat.
What is interesting is that there is a movie here but you have to make it gritty to work not just film young woman scantily clothed that become the masturbatory fuel for adolescent males.
From the mind of an incongruous writer and "To the PAIN!"
15 January 2017
Warning: Spoilers
As per usual with me I utilize movies similarly as other utilize music as I am preoccupied with other endeavors. I am surrounded by 3 forty inch screens with the one the right playing movies. Believe me with EVERYTHING being a rehash of something else it does not take full attention to understand a story plot. If the dialogue is atrocious and I laugh, the movie was worth it. If the movie demands a closer view, I will then pay full attention to it in a full viewing.
This movie was an enigma. Every time I glanced at it, there was no coherency in it at all. OK so I make the decision to watch said film. (I use the word film because there is nothing else I can think of to name these atrocities to the human race.) I had my Dewalt drill fully charged for emergency trepanation. I believe the synopsis to be incorrect and nonsensical in that Razor has to summon back the demon from Hell or it is inevitable he dies. I am sure he would rather not have to do that since demons are foul and rarely are conscious of practicing good personal hygiene and offend all.
I did love the "He-man" moment when that demon in his ratty, decaying form said essentially "I HAVE THE POWER" and transformed into a slightly less ratty and decaying demon and got his nether world kicked. There are quite a few characters in this movie that are blind in the left eye. I think it was the group's initiation rite which used a BB gun. They should know better!
The writer thinking he was experiencing a coherent and cohesive moment thought: "I WILL throw everything into this movie and Richard Simmons!" I must saying getting Richard in the film as the Razor's gay brother to get his minion into shape through aerobics was as brilliant as the pink shorts Richard wore.
Donald Trump was adequate as the demon. No make up was needed nor lines since he just ranted unintelligibly during his scenes just like he does in his daily life.
The musical score was created by my 8 year old neighbor Billy that is continually locked in his parent's basement with his laptop and aging 8-bit Nintendo gaming unit and a frozen TV dinner.
Face it, do we REALLY want to or CARE what exactly this heinous conveyance of an incongruent idea means? NO! This is one of those movies that absolutely offers nothing. Not good enough to care to watch and not bad enough to be funny. It is what I call a "Purgatory" film. It is in a nebulous state with nothing positive to offer anyone and just exists. Our current film production is overwhelming repleat with these. In their attempt to become your one and only source of movie entertainment, all studios are pulling their property from other sources and creating their own service for you to pay for. So unfortunately we are left with tons of excrement such as this that streaming sources are filling their coffers with for us to view. It is never ending. There will be hominids that will love this picture but remember the people in psychological asylums have Internet access also.
This movie was an enigma. Every time I glanced at it, there was no coherency in it at all. OK so I make the decision to watch said film. (I use the word film because there is nothing else I can think of to name these atrocities to the human race.) I had my Dewalt drill fully charged for emergency trepanation. I believe the synopsis to be incorrect and nonsensical in that Razor has to summon back the demon from Hell or it is inevitable he dies. I am sure he would rather not have to do that since demons are foul and rarely are conscious of practicing good personal hygiene and offend all.
I did love the "He-man" moment when that demon in his ratty, decaying form said essentially "I HAVE THE POWER" and transformed into a slightly less ratty and decaying demon and got his nether world kicked. There are quite a few characters in this movie that are blind in the left eye. I think it was the group's initiation rite which used a BB gun. They should know better!
The writer thinking he was experiencing a coherent and cohesive moment thought: "I WILL throw everything into this movie and Richard Simmons!" I must saying getting Richard in the film as the Razor's gay brother to get his minion into shape through aerobics was as brilliant as the pink shorts Richard wore.
Donald Trump was adequate as the demon. No make up was needed nor lines since he just ranted unintelligibly during his scenes just like he does in his daily life.
The musical score was created by my 8 year old neighbor Billy that is continually locked in his parent's basement with his laptop and aging 8-bit Nintendo gaming unit and a frozen TV dinner.
Face it, do we REALLY want to or CARE what exactly this heinous conveyance of an incongruent idea means? NO! This is one of those movies that absolutely offers nothing. Not good enough to care to watch and not bad enough to be funny. It is what I call a "Purgatory" film. It is in a nebulous state with nothing positive to offer anyone and just exists. Our current film production is overwhelming repleat with these. In their attempt to become your one and only source of movie entertainment, all studios are pulling their property from other sources and creating their own service for you to pay for. So unfortunately we are left with tons of excrement such as this that streaming sources are filling their coffers with for us to view. It is never ending. There will be hominids that will love this picture but remember the people in psychological asylums have Internet access also.
Atlantic Rim
(2013 Video)
I am too ASTOUNDED to speak...
18 December 2016
Warning: Spoilers
After viewing this conglomeration of a film shots which obviously had no one over seeing the ludicrous, that is precisely what we are presented. This has gone onto my list of favorite ultra-bad movies since I guffawed and laughed out loud during the entire film.
One thing I will mention is the fact I almost always enjoy Graham Greene as an actor and I would have to believe he wanted to pummel the writer and director throughout this farce.
I liked Pacific Rim even if it was a bit cheesy because I am an anime fan and that is specifically what they were attempting to achieve. These films are on two ends of a spectrum.
It is noted I have viewed some very wonderfully made low budget films and it is because the writer and director took the time to get the amalgamated pieces connected and coherently proper. I would have to challenge anyone to show me one scene in this movie that had ANY fore thought put into it. I truly believe someone walked into a preschool class and asked the kids to write a script for them which was transcribed by word of mouth to an adult and nothing was changed.
This was almost as enjoyable as Mega Shark Versus Mecha Shark. Just not quite there yet. The only thing missing in this movie was the anticipation of the three bots combining to make a "Voltron". That never materializes but damn they do get the weapons, from where I have no idea.
So you are warned, this is a heinous creation but if you want a laugh due to no one utilizing logic in creation or no continuity in any way, shape or form, you WILL laugh!
Play a game, get a few bottles of your favorite whiskey and shot glasses and some friends. Begin viewing this monstrosity. Each and every time you witness an inanity of any kind, call it out immediately. The person to point out the inane does not have to take a shot, everyone else does. I guarantee within 15 minutes, you and your friends will all be utterly inebriated.
One thing I will mention is the fact I almost always enjoy Graham Greene as an actor and I would have to believe he wanted to pummel the writer and director throughout this farce.
I liked Pacific Rim even if it was a bit cheesy because I am an anime fan and that is specifically what they were attempting to achieve. These films are on two ends of a spectrum.
It is noted I have viewed some very wonderfully made low budget films and it is because the writer and director took the time to get the amalgamated pieces connected and coherently proper. I would have to challenge anyone to show me one scene in this movie that had ANY fore thought put into it. I truly believe someone walked into a preschool class and asked the kids to write a script for them which was transcribed by word of mouth to an adult and nothing was changed.
This was almost as enjoyable as Mega Shark Versus Mecha Shark. Just not quite there yet. The only thing missing in this movie was the anticipation of the three bots combining to make a "Voltron". That never materializes but damn they do get the weapons, from where I have no idea.
So you are warned, this is a heinous creation but if you want a laugh due to no one utilizing logic in creation or no continuity in any way, shape or form, you WILL laugh!
Play a game, get a few bottles of your favorite whiskey and shot glasses and some friends. Begin viewing this monstrosity. Each and every time you witness an inanity of any kind, call it out immediately. The person to point out the inane does not have to take a shot, everyone else does. I guarantee within 15 minutes, you and your friends will all be utterly inebriated.
Attack of the Giant Leeches
(2008)
This what is was like to be tortured by the Spanish Inquisition
13 October 2016
Let us endeavor to conjecture and propose a supposition pertaining to a conundrum I am experiencing after viewing this atrocity. Variable one pertains to a Roger Corman. This is a man with an incredible propensity for the creation of films on a minimal budget and almost ALWAYS a profit on his investment. He truly is the king of exploitation films. This being a remake (probably due to the film being out of copyright date) is of a 1959 movie he made.
So how does one create a movie to begin with on a minimal budget that still exceeds the product created decades later? Could it be an overwhelming plethora of non-talent?
I have a great affinity for actors that do horrible hillbilly stereotypes with Canadian accents. The "Leeches" are hand puppets that can be misconstrued for earthworms on steroids. I did find the "rifle" that was supposed to be a shotgun but was a toy musket seen multiple times. They try to exploit young ladies which has absolutely no impact in sexually gratuity within the film. We get a few scenes of a marsh but the action takes place around a lake, no marsh or swamp. Our hillbillies are supposed to be comical relief while we wait for a meteorite to plummet to earth and obliterate them. The sheriff inhabits room 12 with crap being stored in some building somewhere.
Let us examine one scene in particular. A search party has been gathered to attempt to locate two bodies. Several men follow the sheriff down the shore of a lake, not a marsh. All follow after the sheriff. Would it not behoove them to "Spread out" instead of following him and looking at their feet literally as they walk? One idiot is looking up in the trees where many a body has been known to be discovered. If only the Lockness monster would have interjected itself into the movie and consumed the entire cast, that would have been worth watching.
The Corman version of this movie receives a 3.5 on the IMDb which sounds about right. If you view the MST3K riffing of the Corman movie then it is a 7.0 as this film rates a 1.9 and should be considerably lower.
After viewing this movie I made preparation to invoke the great Cuthulu and the old ones to enter this dimension to rule but they declined because it is too dark and forbidding a place even for them and with absolutely nothing original that can be done in writing, films or art we are all in a pathetic Hell anyway.
So how does one create a movie to begin with on a minimal budget that still exceeds the product created decades later? Could it be an overwhelming plethora of non-talent?
I have a great affinity for actors that do horrible hillbilly stereotypes with Canadian accents. The "Leeches" are hand puppets that can be misconstrued for earthworms on steroids. I did find the "rifle" that was supposed to be a shotgun but was a toy musket seen multiple times. They try to exploit young ladies which has absolutely no impact in sexually gratuity within the film. We get a few scenes of a marsh but the action takes place around a lake, no marsh or swamp. Our hillbillies are supposed to be comical relief while we wait for a meteorite to plummet to earth and obliterate them. The sheriff inhabits room 12 with crap being stored in some building somewhere.
Let us examine one scene in particular. A search party has been gathered to attempt to locate two bodies. Several men follow the sheriff down the shore of a lake, not a marsh. All follow after the sheriff. Would it not behoove them to "Spread out" instead of following him and looking at their feet literally as they walk? One idiot is looking up in the trees where many a body has been known to be discovered. If only the Lockness monster would have interjected itself into the movie and consumed the entire cast, that would have been worth watching.
The Corman version of this movie receives a 3.5 on the IMDb which sounds about right. If you view the MST3K riffing of the Corman movie then it is a 7.0 as this film rates a 1.9 and should be considerably lower.
After viewing this movie I made preparation to invoke the great Cuthulu and the old ones to enter this dimension to rule but they declined because it is too dark and forbidding a place even for them and with absolutely nothing original that can be done in writing, films or art we are all in a pathetic Hell anyway.
Cauldron: Baptism of Blood
(2004 Video)
This should have been titled "Meaningless Mishmash of Tripe"
27 September 2016
Warning: Spoilers
It is true that watching a blockage clear for eighteen hours from the intestinal tract of a patient on the proper equipment utilizing the proper procedure would be infinity more interesting then viewing than this movie.
I must mention that I am a bad movie aficionado and I even I experienced incredible difficulty in discerning what this movie had to offer, if anything of value. Well I have to admit the special effect that generated the demon was hilarious with each screen appearance.
At one point at the beginning of the movie, the director exposes us to a seemingly never ending series of people supposedly imbued with talent. It was analogous to "America Has Talent" except no one had talent.
This is followed by ceaseless cuts to elongated periods of time with women in a room dancing horribly with many a close up on their asses. If the writer director had inserted a lesbian sex scene in this movie they would have ruined it in someway, they are that TALENTED!
The vast majority of people that write reviews for this website are unqualified to claim to know that a movie is "The worst I have ever seen" unless they have spent time in the pits watching the flotsam available. They are CLUELESS as to what bad is!
So this does qualify as a horrifically, horrendous, unpalatable piece of tripe. Do yourself a favor and pull out your antiquated, green plastic soldier toys from the closet and re-enact the charge on the doors at the Florida Walmart on Black Friday in 2014 in which 8 people met their demise. You will have much more fun!
I must mention that I am a bad movie aficionado and I even I experienced incredible difficulty in discerning what this movie had to offer, if anything of value. Well I have to admit the special effect that generated the demon was hilarious with each screen appearance.
At one point at the beginning of the movie, the director exposes us to a seemingly never ending series of people supposedly imbued with talent. It was analogous to "America Has Talent" except no one had talent.
This is followed by ceaseless cuts to elongated periods of time with women in a room dancing horribly with many a close up on their asses. If the writer director had inserted a lesbian sex scene in this movie they would have ruined it in someway, they are that TALENTED!
The vast majority of people that write reviews for this website are unqualified to claim to know that a movie is "The worst I have ever seen" unless they have spent time in the pits watching the flotsam available. They are CLUELESS as to what bad is!
So this does qualify as a horrifically, horrendous, unpalatable piece of tripe. Do yourself a favor and pull out your antiquated, green plastic soldier toys from the closet and re-enact the charge on the doors at the Florida Walmart on Black Friday in 2014 in which 8 people met their demise. You will have much more fun!
The Darkness
(I) (2016)
How many times...
31 August 2016
How many times have we witnessed individuals in the horror genre warned pertaining to ancient rituals that you either must 1. Not perform said ritual due to horrific consequences ensuing or 2. The person performing said ritual will inevitably make a horrid mistake as per poor Ash, Ash: Klaatu Barada N... Necktie... Neckturn... Nickel... It's an "N" word,it's definitely an "N" word! Klaatu... Barada... N... coughs pause Okay then... I have said the words.
The actor that portrays the son instills in me and incredible urge to beat him with a live beaver. It has a very respectable cast but it is really just as interesting as a observing evolution occurring and I do not have that kind of life expectancy!
I did find it comical that a fire breaks out in the boys room, he is carrying a pack of matches and the father after arriving home is stopped by his ineffectual wife from kicking his little posterior. I was immensely disappointed. "So our son is an arsonist, he will grow out of it!"
So 862 jump scares later we realize we have discovered an entirely new depressant that can be utilized to overcome the worst insomnia one could incur. Let us just realize that there in NOTHING new EVER. Just a repackaging of the same elements over and over again. All one can hope for is the repackaging is pieced together differently. What has happened to our ability to create?
The actor that portrays the son instills in me and incredible urge to beat him with a live beaver. It has a very respectable cast but it is really just as interesting as a observing evolution occurring and I do not have that kind of life expectancy!
I did find it comical that a fire breaks out in the boys room, he is carrying a pack of matches and the father after arriving home is stopped by his ineffectual wife from kicking his little posterior. I was immensely disappointed. "So our son is an arsonist, he will grow out of it!"
So 862 jump scares later we realize we have discovered an entirely new depressant that can be utilized to overcome the worst insomnia one could incur. Let us just realize that there in NOTHING new EVER. Just a repackaging of the same elements over and over again. All one can hope for is the repackaging is pieced together differently. What has happened to our ability to create?
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