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gevans209
Reviews
Beast (2022)
The Top ten things I have learnt from "Beast"!
1. Daughters don't listen to their father, even when their life is in danger!
2. There are crocodiles in Africa that run away from you.
3. When a Lion has just killed a whole village and your radio doesn't work, it's a good idea to follow him into the jungle.
4. A lion can smash a car window and try and drag you out, ONCE. So you can still sit and even sleep in the seat next to it without fear of him snatching you.
5. Animal tranquilizers ware off. So don't follow the dangerous man eating psycho lion and kill it while he sleeps. Then you get to enjoy its bloodthirsty company later!
6. A girl in this movie can run about two miles in 15 seconds directly through dense jungle to exactly where she needs to go. No map! Its amazing! Also a man in this movie can limp a whole mile while being chased by a lion, "here boy, follow me!"
7. Lions have poor eyesight, no sense of smell and a bit deaf. You really have to stand in front of them, move about a bit, get some chatter on your radio and then hell notice you. However if you climb up a tree in front of him he lose you again.
8. Humans can take XXXX load of lion damage! And lose very little blood
9. Lions can take a XXXX load of fall damage!
10. Lions don't take Fire damage! You can cover them in petrol and blow them up and no damage at all.
The three stars are purely for Idris Elba. The rest of the movie is a joke.
Old (2021)
How did this ever get made!
I don't know what is more ridiculous, this movie or the fact that someone threw money at M. Knight to make it.
As with most Shyamalan movies they have a GREAT premise and that's where it ends.
The movie lacks the ability to make you believe what is happening and therefor you don't care about the people involved. The idea of people ageing rapidly on a beach surely would include them actually ageing?
The kids just grow up and suddenly act like adults even though they are 6 mentally.
The script has absolutely no ability to unfold the events to draw you into the tension of what was happening. 3 hours equals ten years?? That means nobody would survive the night???
The camera work (easily the most annoying aspect) deliberately lost focus, drifted off the action or concentrated on the sky, rocks or ocean and pushed the viewer away from the scene. No wonder I didn't care about any of them. It looked like M. Knight himself was growing old and forgot where to point the thing.
It looks like they spent the entire (meager) special effects budget on one scene in the cave which was the most hilarious thing I have seen in a while. The rest was some poor (and obvious) use of paste on the faces to create wrinkles.
The payoff is.... weakly typical. I was truly hoping for something magical to evolve that would give you some cause to rethink everything you have just watched..But NO. Corporate greed - you may, like me, guess that when the hotel concierge invites "Special" guests to enjoy the beach.
Not to mention that M. Knight himself is the one on the cliff top watching them - totally breaks the illusion of escaping into the story.
I watched this expecting a good laugh and that's what I got. For those in film making school - watch this for tips on what NOT to do.
Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
Yes, it's true. it's bad!
The only way this movie could ever get off the ground from The Last Jedi's plot was to have one character, ANY character wake up in the opening scene and say "OMG what a nightmare" Then start from scratch.
As it is, they tried to build on top of Rian Johnsons's episode and failed again.
Choppy plot, rushed editing, lousy dialogue, ZERO chemistry, ZERO passion, ZERO PASSION! and every twist (Ha "twist?") seen coming from a mile off.
Feel so sorry for the quality actors who looked like they knew it was bad, and had to try and carry this stinker of a product. Because a Story/Movie, it wasnt!
The Red Sea Diving Resort (2019)
What a waste!
With a cast like this how could you fail? but they did. Another important piece of history bashed into a James Bond action flick which basically degrades those who really went through this. Have some respect!
No character development whatsoever and lazy editing that leaves you guessing how some scenes connect to others.
Such a pity, it could have been great.
Avengers: Endgame (2019)
So bad - so cliched - should have known
Seriously I am actually convinced now that nobody in the industry knows how to write an ending. they are so focused on leaving plot opening for a possible future opportunity that they cant give a satisfying ending!
Game of thrones and the decline of Stranger things to mention a few.
Nightflyers (2018)
Do you think the producers watched this before releasing it?
OK short and sweet:
Boring characters with no depth or personality.
Story? there is none.
The sets look like it was filmed at a London docks warehouse (included local dock workers as secondary actors) so don't expect any special effect "wow" factor.
I think they punched this out so fast to fill airtime - no second takes - No story - No idea - edited it together daily until they had 10 hours and said "broadcast it"
Kiss Me First (2018)
Aaaaaand your story was??
I love watching shows cold - no hype, no pre-concieved ideas about what to expect, just show me your story. This is one of the very few shows I have watched that told me nothing. I can't even really define a plot. Maybe: Girl dumps a friend and finds a friend, and they all run around in their underwear (male directors!). The rest is just background noise.
I made it through all six eps in the hope that some major revelation would tie in all my confusion and questions and frustrations... But no. You are given NOTHING!
Netflix is so busy rushing out programs that they ignoring quality.
The Innocents (2018)
An honest review.
Ok so I have only just in the last hour watched the finale (through to ep8).
Hype: There was a lot of hype around this and I myself was looking forward to seeing it. I'm a fan of Guy Pearce and the fact that it wasn't another incarnation of some superhero franchise gave me hope for something special.
First episode: I'm not an avid watcher of TV shows but I have seen my fair share - enough to know that the first ten minutes is vital to success and the ending even more so. The first ten minutes were very intriguing and gave me something to follow, but I was left a bit underwhelmed by the end of the first episode.
Overall: Yes it was a slow burn but I liked that and enjoyed the time to think about the characters and plot. The plot was sound and although I found it frustrating not knowing each characters hidden agenda I accepted that as a part of the mystery. There was a constant feel of unease for all characters and twists and revelations were delivered in perfect timing.
So why the lackluster rating?: You know when you watch a cheesy horror and there are those moments when you are screaming at the TV "no don't open the door" ? Well I was getting increasingly frustrated with really stupid choices. and not in a "this is what someone would do in real life" way, but in an "are you stupid? way. Dealing drugs, driving while not looking at the road and crashing (TWICE), trusting total strangers, trusting total strangers who you say you don't trust and "I've dumped my 16 year old girlfriend in the middle of London to go home and have a go at her Dad after I've had a few pints' moments to name a few.
I found I didn't care about any of the characters - they were either too suspicious or too stupid and this left my experience a little cold, sadly. It was a very intelligent script but the characters not so much.
Standout: Steinar by far. The only person I wanted to know more about and felt for. Kam a close second.
Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi (2017)
Things I learnt from Star Wars - The Last Jedi
WARNING SPOILERS: sorry!
- Poe enjoys a good Crank call. They left out the scene where he calls Snoke and asks him if his fridge is running.
- One X-wing can disable a Super Super Star Destroyer all on it's own. Just one!
- Luke is not good at training Jedi. And if you fail at any of his classes he will kill you.
- The Dark Side lives down a Blowhole right under Luke's Island.
- Yoda is a Vandal even though he is a ghost - and likes to dance while doing it.
- Rey needs no training to wipe out elite guards, lift a hundred boulders, Conference call Kylo all times of the day and magically transport to the gunnery turret of the Millennium Falcon.
- A Super Super Star Destroyer can shoot a rebel base from outer space but can't shoot a cruiser right in front of it.
- Rubber dinosaurs hang out on cliff sides just waiting to be milked.
- Porgs are almost as annoying as Jar Jar.
- If you are related to a Jedi you can get blown up, sucked out to space, freeze, fly around in your blown up frozen unconscious state and knock on the door of a passing cruiser.
- Snoke has no peripheral vision.
- R2-D2 is now only good for being a Cameo. C3PO is only good for a background character. Chewie can blast doors and make a camp fire.
- If you fly a small decrepit open top vehicle into the beam of a giant battering cannon that is cutting through a giant steel door, the arials on your wings will melt.
- If you are about to be executed in front of a million storm troopers you may get lucky: A ship can crash into you and kill all of them except you.
- The Last Jedi makes Revenge of the Sith look good.
- Life saving plans from impending doom are on a need to know basis with the rebels. Everyone must think they are about to die. Its a job performance thing.
- No two Aliens are alike (unless in a group) You see them once and you will never see their kind again.
- Mindblowing Visuals and Adam Driver held the entire movie together with considerable support from Daisy Ridley and a last minute showdown save from Mark Hamill (but ruined by a pointless exit).
With respect to that is the Star Wars universe - this really effort should never have been a part of it. Rian Johnson should stop trying to make movies.