Zaphkiel_One Reviews

John Tucker Must Die (2006)

Well done, Tiffany

[4/10 · 4 May 2021]

I was tired when I watched this film, so much so that I couldn't be bothered to put something else on. Remarkably I watched the whole thing, although I can only really tell you what happened in roughly the first half hour.

I had this sneaking suspicion that this film wasn't written by a professional, but came about through a competition held by the studio, and 15 year old Tiffany from South Carolina won. This was the script she wrote.

A bunch of highschool girls get together and plot how they can get back at John Tucker who was three timing the lot of them. One of the ways they get their revenge really had me scratching my head. Somehow they get John to pose for a photo shoot (as well as a top basketball player at his school, he also does some professional modelling on the side?). I'm not sure how the girls financed this photo shoot, but I'll let that one slide... and I really am letting a lot slide there. Like, how did they employ a professional photographer to take these photos? How did they source the photoshoot location? With whom did they arrange the casting of John Tucker for this photoshoot? Was he with an agency and they asked for him specifically? Did he need any parental consent to work on this shoot given that he is a minor?

What happens is they take these photos and use them to create an advertisement for something embarrassing (erectile disfunction, or sexually transmitted disease... whatever. I can't remember). They maybe edited these photos themselves, I guess. This ad is then broadcast at their local cinema amongst the other ads before the main feature. How the heck these girls were able to pull this off, I have no idea. Was it a campaign that featured over the entire cinema network, this one chain, or just this one specific cinema? Either way, how would a bunch of highschool girls negotiate with the cinema advertising distribution company to have a fake product broadcast? How would they know which specific showing John Tucker was going to take his new girlfriend to? How convenient it was for them to get seats up on the balcony so they could get John and his girlfriend's reaction who were, conveniently, sitting in the middle of the cinema. How convenient that the house lights were still sufficiently bright despite images being projected on the cinema screen that they could see their reactions.

This section of the film had me so befuddled that I didn't really take in whatever happened in the rest of the film. My brain was already hurting too much.

Nest of Vampires (2021)

Don't believe the hyperbole

[7/10 · 22 April 2021]

This isn't the worst film of all time. Believe me, there are PLENTY of films out there with the potential to deserve that particular accolade.

With such a low budget you have to cut NoV some slack. I thought it was a great achievement for what it cost (really not a lot). Some of the performances were pretty good. Frank Jakeman was a solid presence, and. I thought Hans Hernke was another stand out, bringing a lot to the table. Occasionally scenes would get into the verbal ping-pong of your-line-then-my-line, but on the whole there's a lot of quality for this level of production.

Whilst the main actor certainly had presence, the approach of his character didn't quite gel with me. It was more the swagger of Sean Connery as 007, where you half-expect him to get into bed with someone, when perhaps it called more for the avenging Liam Neeson from Taken, where he's desperately trying to track down who'd taken his daughter. I just felt a bit of disconnect with the father / daugher / wife characters. I don't think we even saw them together, so I think there are some tricks the film misses, and some areas where the screw could have really been tightened.

For me it was also difficult to keep up with who was who as every scene seemed to introduce a new character. I wasn't always on the ball with the unfolding narrative.

There was some good cinematography in this production, refreshing to see a low budget film making the effort to put some real quality into the look of the shots.

So, bringing a bit of balance here, overall I'd say this film has a lot going for it. No, it's not perfect, but understanding the limitations of low budget productions, I certainly have a lot of appreciation for it.

Let It Snow (2019)

A bit lost in the snow

[6/10 · 19 November 2019]

You get the sense that there were some pretty decent ingredients here to make what could have potentially been a classic, but while the snow maybe came down, I think the film got a little snow blind.

There are some really nice moments in this film - Pops dancing to the Rolling Stones, playing Whole of the Moon on the church organ, the tin foil woman (which was nearly a brilliant character). I didn't really mind the typical teenager cliche stuff. It's all about execution...

Like the snow, this film just seemed to drift a bit too much. The characters and their narratives become reasonably engaging before we're suddenly then on to something else and you don't really know why.

A Love Actually with teenagers is a good way of putting it, but what makes LA a classic is the way it all blends together so well. We have a strong unifying theme running through LA: the romance surrounding the buzz of the festive season and the feeling that it's all building somewhere (as the festive season naturally does), plus the satisfying way it all ties together in the end. Let It Snow is maybe more a sign of the times in that the characters are more self absorbed and disconnected... It's like it needed a unifying goal to the whole thing, which was kind of there but just didn't come out. Christmas often seemed somewhat incidental in that the characters were more caught up in their personal dramas to be able to relate to the bigger picture of the festive season. An example: by the time the girl who meets the pop singer gets back home I'd COMPLETELY forgotten she'd initially set out to get a specific Christmas present for her mother. Why did that goal get so buried? With a title like Let It Snow, it seems it wants to be considered a Christmas film, right? Was it though? I don't know.

I think this sense of drift had a lot to do with pacing - some characters go on a string of incidents: going on a car chase, skidding off the road, running off to a church etc etc... and meanwhile you have a bunch of other characters who, all the while, are at the Waffle House eating waffles. This kind of thing just pegs the film back.

Buuuut, ya know, overall it's okay. The cast do a good job, it's filmed well, the setting is decent. Like I say, the ingredients were there. Maybe a case of too many cooks spoilt the eggnog.

Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi (2017)

So mind-twisting that I don't even know if I'm a Star Wars fan anymore

[5/10 · 19 December 2017]

I saw this film last night and came out of the cinema with very mixed feelings. Reading the other reviews here I really do identify with people's criticisms, but I think it's all too easy to get swept up in hyperbole and drama-queening, so I'll try and bring a bit of balance to the force here...

Let me start with the things I loved... (I'll also put out a general SPOILERS ALERT).

I thought some of the decisions made by Johnson were immensely brave, refreshing and admirable. Some people hate where he went with Luke Skywalker but for the most part I loved how he had fallen into this hopeless, nihilistic funk. "This is not going to go the way you think," Luke said in the trailer, and it turns out this was a warning for us all.

People have also complained about how so much mystery was set up in TFA only to be dashed in TLJ. Rey is told that she's no one special, there's no significant revelation about her parentage. What an awesome decision! It's been such an overused tripe in blockbusters about this 'golden child' or 'chosen one' rubbish. Yawn! I salute them for turning this one on its head, but let's still not get ahead of ourselves. This is just what Kylo Ren told her. Darkside characters are noted for telling lies, right? Even Jedi have fed such lies before, yes?

Assuming it's true about Rey though it does leave me with a bit of a 'so what?' feelings towards her character, and although I liked the surprise of Snoke getting popped off mid-trilogy, it does leave a lot unanswered. Who was he? What were his motivations? Such important aspects that could have made for a more intriguing film.

I don't really know where the saga goes from TLJ, and I do actually wonder if I even care anymore. The central Star Wars characters have been replaced with new faces for a new audience. The classic SW fans, along with the SW characters, have all been let down with merciless ageism. Old people can do more than just die, you know!

Okay, so I'm already into the things I didn't like... Whilst there were one or two moments were I laughed, too often the humour jarred with me. Things like Poe saying he was holding the line when speaking to General Hux, or Rey telling Kylo Ren to put some clothes on during their mind meld were too jarring. It felt like sitcom style humour, or like something you would see in the endless SW parody films. Have these become too prevalent that this self-aware humour is inescapable, that it's impossible to make a serious film these days without any 'winks at the audience'? These sorts of moments remind the viewer that they're watching a film, that these are actors in costumes, "a child in a mask" as Snoke says to Kylo Ren. Family Guy isn't going to be able to make parodies of these films. Disney have already done the job for them.

There's something too self-conscious about SW now, too irony-aware, as is the vogue, and perhaps it started with TFA but certainly not as bad as this. Disney have got the keys to the theme park and they're riding the rollercoaster all caught up in the thrill of 'being part of Star Wars'.

There are indeed some great performances in TLJ. The standouts for me were Oscar Isaac and Adam Driver, Mark Hamill too. Whilst I like Domhall Gleeson as an actor, there is something far too pantomime villain with Hux. He seems as though he belongs in a tame BBC Children's drama. Daisy Ridley has received a lot of applause but I may be the only one in the universe who feels her performance is a little too forced (if you'll forgive the expression), maybe a little too stage schooly. She does present a powerful character but at the same time, I don't know... just trying slightly too hard?

The planet where Finn and Rose go searching for the code breaker seemed, like the humour, too real-world, not a galaxy far, far away. It was far too reminiscent of 1920s Las Vegas or something. Whilst I applaud the attempts of social / political commentary in terms of the theme of arms dealing, or with the idea of philosophies and religion needing to evolve as Luke was grappling with on his island, at points it was perhaps a little too spoon fed for me. It also felt somewhat awkward... Oh no, Luke's about to destroy the Jedi books!... Oh wait, no he isn't! Look, there's Yoda to calm him down! On no, Yoda's destroyed the books himself anyway, and now he's about to give Luke a lesson on why he's done what Luke was about to do anyway.

A lot of criticism has been pointed at the general plot ideas. For the most part with Star Wars I think you just have to go with it. The rebels are low on fuel? You know what? Don't fret too much about the ins and outs of how that would work. It's not worth it. What DID bother me though was the constant device of 'someone making a noble sacrifice to save everyone'... The bomber in the opening battle, Laura Dern's character zooming off in the ship, Finn attempting a kamikaze maneuver into the First Order's weapon, even Luke's appearance at the end. I got really tired with that.

The whole search for a code breaker sub-plot was messy too. So they find him, but then get locked up in a cell but it just so happens they they're put in with ANOTHER master code breaker, who even has the ability to break out of the cell, but he was just waiting around for two rebels to be locked up with him with the very specific goal of finding a code breaker? He didn't want to just break out of there earlier? Wanted to show off to someone? Again, such slickness and convenience reminds me that we're watching a movie.

What has killed the whole Star Wars deal so much for me is with what happened with Luke. First it appears he's been blasted to crap by the First Order, but that was just the filmmakers messing with us... He's dead! Oh no he isn't! Oh yes he is! Oh no he's not!... Okay, so yeah he does actually die. Disappears into thin air for the sake of contriving another emotional ending. I detest how all our classic characters have been resurrected and systematically executed film by film. At first I could sort of forgive Han, considering Ford's personal desire for the character, but repeating the trick becomes so formulaic. Plus, we know that, sadly, we won't see any more of Princess Leia. Who's up for execution in Episode 9? Chewie? C-3PO? Is this as imaginative as we can get, that we just have to sacrifice another icon of cinema for the sake of squeezing a tear out of the audience? Is killing someone off the only go-to device that filmmakers know of these days?

Without these characters it just seems somewhat pointless now. I know there's some interesting and strong new characters that have been set up in this new trilogy, but there's something horribly disjointed about the whole thing, to the extent that, after the best part of two films, two of these major characters have only just met for the first time and have to clumsily introduce themselves.

I think I'm still processing what I saw last night as I don't know exactly what to make of this film. I don't think I brought balance with my review, in conclusion. I'm on the dark side now but maybe I'll watch it again next year when I've had the chance to grieve the loss of Luke and I'll see this film differently.