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Reviews
Bane (2008)
Someone spent good money to produce this?
I gave this a one because IMDb doesn't offer a zero-option. Less than zero would be closer to the truth.
In what at first at least appears to be a bad rip-off of the SAW movies, which weren't that great to start with, we find four women in the situation of being forced together with no memories and a lot of unpleasantness ahead of them.
From there it goes downhill. ZERO plot for most of the movie, completely forgettable and unlikeable characters, a HORRIFIC soundtrack that had me reducing the volume to barely audible, and nearly complete predictability. No surprises at all at the end.
Thinking of watching this one? Go watch paint dry while pondering your navel. The time spent will be more productive.
Tropic Thunder (2008)
Absolute bottom of the barrel
IMDb doesn't offer a low enough rating for this latest bit of drivel from Hollywood.
It might appeal to high school boys, but no person capable of rational thought would find it even moderately appealing. Tropic Thunder is an excellent example of why movies don't do well in the box office today.
Robert Downey's role was ridiculous to the extreme, and considering the cast of "big names", I didn't see anything that remotely resembled "acting".
The FX were ludicrous, the storyline non-existent, and the humor wasn't humorous. I'm so glad I didn't spend any money to see this piece of Hollywood trash.
The Girl Next Door (2007)
Powerful and disturbing
An advance word of warning, if you manage to make it through this film in one sitting, you're going to come out of it feeling like you need a shower, and it's going to stay with you for days.
I first read the Ketchum book a couple of years ago, and I've re-read it twice since. The movie is one of those rare jewels that is faithful to the book it was based upon. It's every bit as disturbing as the book, and is most definitely not for the squeamish.
The best horror doesn't have to rely on "make you jump" moments, but rather slowly builds so that you're beyond being shocked but rather feel the horror deeply. You have literal chills, you're maybe a little queasy, and you wonder if maybe there really IS a monster under the bed. This is that type of story.
And when the monsters are the family next door...
Transporter 2 (2005)
Entertaining, If you can overlook the obvious.
To start off, I liked the storyline. I liked most of the acting. The photography was excellent, and most of the special F/X well done.
But talk about stretching believability. The martial arts scenes were way too far over the top, the driving scenes were simply impossible, especially the (we are let to assume) putting the car in mid-air and rolling it precisely to yank the bomb off the underside, not to mention crashing the car thru an under-construction parking garage and not leaving a single mark on it...showroom new.
The final scene with the Cessna Citation, out of control, crashing nose first into the water with the only damage being the tail assembly knocked off, was ridiculous. The plane would have disintegrated. Period.
Hokie to the max, but still entertaining...if you're willing to suspend belief. I'm grateful I just rented this movie, because one watch is enough.
Saw IV (2007)
Isn't this theme getting old yet?
Let's face it, the first one was kind of semi-interesting, the second was more of the same, and by Three we realize that another in the series is coming.
Halloween and Nightmare on Elm Street were both boring and predictable after the second episode, and Saw has been no different, but now they want to go for a fourth.
Yawn. More of the same....and it wasn't THAT good the first time through. The entire series has been a decent idea presented in a mediocre way, with poor acting and few believable scenes. It's video-trash, and gets worse with each incarnation. Let this one die the death it deserves.
Unknown (2006)
I wanted to like it...
In fact, parts of it I liked a lot. It had some interesting twists. But it just left me with a been there, seen that feeling after all of the SAW movies. Granted the ending was different from a typical Saw, but let's face it...a group of guys, unknown to each other (or so they believe) tossed together in an abandoned chemical factory....
But then it loses something. There's no intensity, there's poor group dynamic, there's no sense of urgency.
Some nice twists at the end, and definitely worth a watch if there's nothing else on your plate, but it just left me empty...it passed the time, but it didn't satisfy.
Mermaid Chronicles Part 1: She Creature (2001)
Wow. Just WOW, what a great flick on so many levels
I got this made-for-cable "Creature Feature" as a NetFlix rental. I'm off to the stores to look for a copy to buy for the archive.
I went into it expecting mediocrity in a TV movie, and got brilliant directing and camera work, a stunning score, beautiful period costuming, and a cast of "never heard of 'em" actors and actresses I fell in love with.
Most modern horror movies fail on so many levels. This one wins on them all. First of all it's a good story. It's well presented with the proper mood. It's well acted. The sets and costumes are believable. It's actually SCARY in places, and it progresses to a well thought-out conclusion (although I thought the final creature transformation from the mermaid to...whatever that was...was a little off), and that failure cost this movie a star in my rating....can't give ten, only nine.
More than that would be a spoiler, but please, don't deprive yourself. I don't hand "nines" out readily. Go rent or buy She Creature. You'll be glad you did. Not for the kiddies.
Borderline Cult (2007)
Fails on so many levels
Three sociopaths, two men and woman, form a serial-killing team in northern Mexico. The woman lures young women to their remote country digs that includes the graves of their former victims, one of the men kills them, and the other guy digs their graves.
As plots go, that about sums it up.
As a profile of a serial killer, this movie fails. It also fails as psychological suspense, or even as slash-and-gore "horror". We don't even get a chance to feel for any of the victims, they're never with us long enough to care about them.
If you like characters with no apparent motivation and a complete lack of depth, you might enjoy this movie. If you like amateurish photography or a grainy, washed out appearance, you might find something here. If soundtracks that lean heavily toward the incessant droning of flies appeal to you, this could be a real keeper.
Otherwise, just be thankful it is only 81 minutes long...if you can stand it for that long. Not worth the disk it's burned on.
Babel (2006)
A lot of undeserved praise
The level of praise this movie has received is simply astounding to me.
While I'll give the director and cameraman credit for good use of locations and scenery, that's about the only thing Babel had going for it.
Three loosely (very loosely) intertwined stories, none of which on its own were very interesting, and not a single character I felt a good reason to like or even sympathize with. The entire Japanese sequence, other than providing some background as to where the rifle came from, was little more than a vehicle to introduce some gratuitous nudity into the film that had nothing to do with the main story line.
Watch this one in 4x Fast Forward with captioning turned on, and you won't miss a bit of story. Pause occasionally to enjoy some of the photography and you've gotten about all the pleasure to be had from Babel. I so glad I rented instead of purchasing the DVD.
Universal Soldiers (2007)
It doesn't get much worse than this
I was unlucky enough to run across a screener for Universal Soldiers.
IMDb doesn't offer a low enough rating for this direct-to-video turkey, and even Kristen Quintrall's frequent near-display of her rather ample charms in a tank top doesn't help it out.
In a done-before scenario of a mixed group of military, CIA and civilians trying to overcome impossible odds and live through the story, we get a trite little tale that's all too predictable. We're presented with a cast of characters who between them can't come up with a single likable entity, bad acting, horrendous dialog that's poorly delivered (mostly at a screeching shout), mediocre special effects and an overall waste of time. And talk about exotic location...the entire (mostly outdoor) flick was probably shot on less than six acres of semi-arid, hilly land.
In fact, the one thing this painfully bad "movie" has going for it is that it's blessedly short at an hour and 24 minutes including ego screens at the beginning and credits at the end. Do yourself a favor.
Go watch paint dry, or grass grow.
You'll get more pleasure out of it.
Succubus: Hell-Bent (2007)
Don't think I've ever seen a movie this bad
Sometimes, we overlook the lesser-known films.
Sometimes, there's a brilliant movie lurking there. Brilliantly directed, brilliantly filmed, brilliantly acted, brilliantly scripted and scored.
We find ourselves caught up in it, totally, breathless, on the edge of our seats, waiting to see what will come next.
We become one with the characters, mesmerized, as they take us to places we've never even dreamed imagined. We become a true "captive audience". And we think about the film for days. We talk about it with friends.
But as for this little piece of drivel? It fails on all counts. Totally predictable, acted as if by a high school drama class, and with a painful score that has nothing to do with what's on the screen, this has to be the most "brilliant" time wasters I've ever seen. Likely to be enjoyed by those who smoke illegal substances and think deep thought as the munchies kick in, it's nonetheless drivel. FF and making up your own dialog doesn't help this turkey. What little plot there is never gets resolved, and the characters, ALL of them, are as likable as a bag of dog excrement left on your front porch.
IMDb doesn't offer a low enough rating. You'd be better served watching paint dry, or grass grow. Doesn't meet the standards of "Made For TV".
Black Snake Moan (2006)
What a surprise!
I opted to watch this film for one reason and one reason alone...Samuel L. Jackson. I happen to like him, a lot. I had seen no previews or trailers for this overlooked film, so went into it with no real expectations.
Jackson didn't disappoint as Lazarus, a down-on-his-luck blues man in the Deep South, and delivered perhaps his most powerful performance ever, including playing and singing a number of excellent blues tunes. But the real surprise here was Christina Ricci, at best a vapid airhead in real life, who took the role of the sexually-abused town tramp Rae and made her a believable, almost even likable character. Watching the decidedly non-sexual relationship evolve between Lazarus and Rae was simply amazing.
Justin Timberlake, pop star turned wanna-be actor, should go back to causing "wardrobe malfunctions" and prancing around a pop stage. His mostly forced performance was distracting, at best, from the real story here.
This movie is raw, gritty, and at times quite "in your face". Not everyone will like it. Those that do, however, will be quickly moving it to the top of their favorites list.
Prey (1977)
A little kinky
I'm glad I didn't go out and buy, or even rent this movie, but watching the low-resolution version on MovieFlix.com was enjoyable enough.
Glory Annen played the best character, the somewhat vapid lover of the older lesbian. Trapped in a relationship that doesn't really excite her that much, and wanting to learn more, she plays a key role in bringing the "newcomer" into their lives.
This movie was nothing special, fairly typical, if a bit kinkier than usual, Brit fare. But it was entertaining enough to watch it all the way through, which is more than I can say for a lot of films I've watched lately. A mildly interesting plot, a totally hokey alien, enough skin for the prurient, something to make a bowl of popcorn and watch when you have naught else to do.
Alone with Her (2006)
Darkly disturbing
...and entirely too believable. But then, that is what makes good film noir.
There is absolutely nothing in this movie that doesn't contribute to it, from the shot via hidden cam approach, to the acting, the lighting, the casting and the score. This is simply a BRILLIANT movie.
Ten minutes into the film, I found myself repelled, yet fascinated, like a mouse before a cobra. By the time it was over, I felt like I needed a shower.
Ana Claudia Talancón (who is remarkably easy on the eyes) played her role superbly, and Colin Hanks turned in what SHOULD be an award-winning job as "Doug", the stalker. It's a shame that the little movies like this so often get overlooked.
Deadly Discovery (1992)
There's nothing about it that doesn't REEK!
IMDb simply doesn't offer a low enough rating for this so-called movie. I'm guessing they had a whopping budget of $50,000 to work with and wound up with $40,000 left over.
I've seen better acting in high-school drama class plays, and heard better dialog in a Pamprin commercial. Kerol Rae as "Renee Dupa" was particularly bad. A pretty face, but she's pretty obviously got the IQ of a lizard. She IS very adept at keeping her body covered up, however, and even manages to snatch a towel while being attacked by a knife-man in the shower to be sure that none of her assets are exposed.
Walter Baziak as Ike, possibly the poorest cast lead character I've ever seen, displays all the emotion of a Chia pet when "comforting" her after she miraculously survives the attack. Toss in the dream sequence of his poorly-choreographed shootout from the beginning of the movie, oh, a dozen times or so, to give the movie some length, because it dang sure doesn't have any PLOT.
Do yourself a favor. Drag a chair out into the front yard, grab a bowl of popcorn, and watch the grass grow. It'll be more exciting.
Vampire Circus (1972)
This one caught me by surprise.
OK, I'm a vampire movie freak. And there's a lot of bad vamp movies out there, but I watch 'em all anyway. I liked Lost Boys. Near Dark rocked. This one is something totally different.
And I loved it.
OK, it's got some cheesy production moments, and the F/X are amateurish at best, it's a low-budget film. But the STORY! The DIRECTION! I didn't care for Robert Tayman or his portrayal of Count Mitterhaus. Anthony Higgin's role of Emil was much more believable. But beyond that, I thought it was well, sometimes brilliantly acted. The twins were awesome as well.
-1 for the cheesy glowing cross moments, +1 for the big cats, and a nine overall for a well told vamp story that will actually for once make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. This one's a keeper.
The Ninth Configuration (1980)
Just.....wow!
I didn't go into this movie with any expectations, I picked it up solely because it stars Stacy Keach, whom I've always liked. Fifteen minutes into it, I was hating it.
Luckily, I kept watching.
Keach plays a Marine psychiatrist assigned to command a mental asylum of military inmates who are mostly suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Scott Wilson plays a lunar mission astronaut gone psycho, and Ed Flanders plays what at first appears to be just a supporting role as the asylum's medical officer.
I don't want to go into too much detail here, everyone should view this movie without any preconceived notions, but trust me when I tell you that you'll be surprised at the twists and turns. Flanders was positively brilliant as the "medical officer", and Wilson is very believable as the astronaut turned lunatic.
As for Keach....simply brilliant, possibly his best role ever. He tries to help the inmates assigned to him while struggling with personal demons that really aren't revealed until the last third of the movie. I've watched this movie twice, and I'm already eager to watch it again.
Much has been said of the bar fight scene in this movie. Let me just say that it's short, it's realistic, it's brutal, with a number of people winding up dead, without gratuitous use of weapons, blood or gore.
As for the plot, if it seems slow-going at first...please, stay. You're going to get all the twists and turns you could ever ask for.
The Hunt (2006)
Far exceeded expectation
I sat down to watch The Hunt without any real expectations. After all, just how far can you go with a story about three hunters in the woods and something going wrong? At best, I figured it would be a story along the lines of Deliverance.
Boy, was I wrong! The pseudo-documentary, Blair Witch-like direction really added to this tense, suspense-filled movie. Throw in a cast of likable, believable characters and enough plot twists to keep the most jaded movie-viewer satisfied, an excellent score, and a killer surprise ending, and you've got all the makings of a great film. This one's a winner, don't miss it.
28 Weeks Later (2007)
Is there an award for WORST lighting?
What is this freaking FASCINATION that so many directors seem to have about shooting a movie in the dark? Start with something that actually has a pretty good story line, for a sequel. Staff it with some decent actors, and create some believable, likable characters. Throw in plenty of "jump in your seat" moments along with long periods of intense buildup.
And then shoot it with some of the worst lighting ever seen in a movie. Make the action sequences too dark to tell who is who, or worse, shoot them in a dark room with just flashes here and there of light. And make sure that at least a third of the movie is shot in the dark.
I think I would have liked this movie. If I could have SEEN it.
Turistas (2006)
Personally, I liked it
I'm glad I didn't let the generally low IMDb rating put me off from watching this well-constructed and acted thriller. An interesting story, good photography and some very believable characters. Plenty tense and suspenseful moments, a few shocking scenes, and a fair bit of blood and gore, but this is most definitely not your typical "slasher" movie.
The opening sequence especially hit home with me, having taken a bus trip in Mexico before. This film drives home the point that Americans are most definitely "out of their element" when visiting Latin America or any other "Third World" nation for that matter.