dcarsonhagy Reviews

Book of Monsters (2018)

Book of Monsters

[2/10 · 21 March 2019]

Very low, low, low film about a book and some monsters. It's nice to see the Brits can also turn out cheaply made bombs like their Yankee counterparts. This dud involves Sophie turning 18 and what has been awaiting her all these years.

I am not going to savage this film too much because the film stayed true to itself. Made on a budget of only $76,000, there is no CGI here, no really cool monsters, just lots and lots of fake blood and guts. A shout out to those involved who had (obviously) very little to work with, but managed a few nice kills.

The movie is rated "R" and has some language and lots of gore.

Terrifier (2016)

Savage

[4/10 · 27 March 2018]

"Terrifier" is a continuation of the story of Art the Clown and his evil doings on Halloween.

I will say this: this clown not only looks scary, but is one sick, twisted individual! He is out to do harm to anybody that gets in his way. It seems once he lays eyes on you, there is no escape. This movie also does not skimp on the gore. There are two kills that are as graphic as anything I've ever seen. In fact, it went a little overboard for my tastes. I'm sure the gore hounds will love it, though. To each his own, I suppose.

Unrated but this is not a movie for children, so parents be WARNED. This film contains savage violence, language, and nudity.

Don't Fuck in the Woods (2016)

Don't Waste Your Time

[1/10 · 9 March 2018]

This trash (trying to pass for a movie) won't get much of a review from me. I thought I would give it a chance because with a title like that, I was hoping for some camp. That was not the case. I don't know how this ever got funding because (plain and simple) it is nothing but vile.

Ugly, fat women--all looking like they're auditioning for a role in a porno film; ugly fat men, lesbians with way too many tattoos, no reasoning for what (and why) is in the woods--this will be a story these bimbos hopefully won't bother sharing with anyone. If those involved would have TRIED for "camp," the film might eventually have fallen into the "so-bad-it's-good" genre, but what you get here is what is implied in the title of the film.

WARNING: Parents be warned. This is not a movie for anyone under the age of 18. It really isn't a movie for anyone...PERIOD...but you get my drift.

Chupacabra Territory (2016)

Gigantic POS

[1/10 · 30 December 2017]

The makers of the wonderful (and ORIGINAL) "Blair Witch Project" should sue those involved with this big old turd. Four friends with cameras are off to find the Chupacabra, even though they know they are entering forbidden (nudge/nudge, wink/wink) territory. Right off the bat, the viewers are lied to because nobody dares to warn us this is yet ANOTHER "found footage" POS. Ain't you all beat that horse to death, yet?

Let's face it, most movies of this genre are all just about the same. There really is no rhyme or reason as to why they keep being produced except maybe to make a fast buck. The acting, writing, directing was all bad. First year film students (all wearing "Kill Me First" sandwich boards) will probably be forced to watch this in order to know what NOT to do when making a movie. These goons--and I didn't care for any of them from the beginning--set out to find their "baby." Even though they have enough paper clippings on the subject--complete with warnings of mutilated animals and missing campers--what do they manage to pack? Beer. Not ONE single weapon; not even a Swiss army knife; oh...and one roll of toilet paper. Now, when the director gets a camera shot of the beer that has been packed for the trip, I counted ONE 6-pack. Later (around the campsite) these boozers put away more beer than you'd find at a keg party. Go figure.

I hate to tell those involved here but when you have your main characters making fun of why they're going on an expedition from the get-go, in essence, you are already making fun of your movie. There is not one single character you can feel anything for. If that's not bad enough, the viewer has to endure 90 minutes before they see any kind of a "creature." What you get, as in Blair Witch, are a bunch of idiots running around, feigning possession, boozing it up, and guys urinating on each other. What fun...

Yet ANOTHER nail in the coffin for the horror genre. Those who participate in making this kind of s**t, can one day be proud of themselves for finally killing horror. Not rated, not watchable, and not worth the $20 it took to make it.

A Christmas Story Live! (2017 TV Movie)

Shoot EVERYBODY'S Eye Out!

[1/10 · 19 December 2017]

Lord love a duck, this debacle (and I'll admit I could NOT finish it), was mind-numbingly awful. From Maya Rudolph playing as one-dimensional mom (and the mom in the original was NOT one-dimensional), to all the caterwauling songs, this is probably the worst "live" TV I've ever witnessed.

Not coming close to resembling the original story (which is now on 24-hours a day every Christmas), this was about as miscast as any production could be. Matthew Broderick narrating as the older Ralphie was bad enough, but he apparently didn't even know his lines.

FOX lulled everyone to sleep and should pay for its out-and-out lie about this production. I never saw the first thing about this being a musical. And you would think if you're bold enough to take a 100 minute movie and turn it into a THREE HOUR production, there would be something--anything--that might be memorable.

This was horrible to the nth degree. AWFUL.

The Dark Shack (2015)

The Dark Pile

[1/10 · 17 December 2017]

Lord love a duck...this was beyond AWFUL. It took me FIVE attempts before I could finish it. Melanie and her boyfriend (he lacking of the opposable thumb) go to a real happening joint to meet for drinks with his buddy and another girl. These two males are beyond disgusting. They sit around the table and drink amounts no one could survive, and go back to the buddy's apartment. Cue real boring storing about the "black shadow." Oh, but wait. It seems Melanie's boyfriend got ticked off because she wanted to drive since he was so drunk...so...he LEAVES her. She is then kidnapped, I simply can't go on. This is what you get for a film I'm guessing didn't cost more than $150 to make. The acting is atrocious, the editing awful, and the direction non-existent. Oh, and those $5.00 special effects are something to behold. Not one character anyone could sympathize with, much less pull for. And if that's not enough, this little bugger lasts 90 minutes. I would rather watch a hog scratch its butt on a fence.

All Male, All Nude (2017)

Very Little Style; Even Less Substance

[4/10 · 8 December 2017]

To me all this movie was about was BEEFCAKE. Shot in Atlanta, GA,. at an all-male strip club ("Swinging Richards"), "All Male; All Nude" doesn't begin to touch on anything.

You are introduced to several of the dancers. Most would have you believe they are straight, but we all know better... . I applaud the men who were not ashamed of what they do, just as I would applaud any woman who is a stripper. I've always said that if you make your money honestly, who gives a crap HOW you make it?! Some of the strippers are big-time hits, and I can see why. Their personalities (literally) are as big as the room they dance in. One guy (whose stage name is Pierce) earned enough money to put him through medical school! However, it is almost laugh-out-loud funny to hear some of the dancers whine about being viewed as "sex objects." Really? You dance completely nude (thrusting your junk in someone's face) and YOU feel like a sex object?

My biggest problem, however, was I just didn't think the movie tried to anything but scratch the surface of this business. There are plenty "documentaries" about female stripping, but this is the first one I've seen that delved into all nude male stripping. Barely coming in at over an hour, many of the scenes are repeated. Guess these at-peace-with-themselves strippers didn't have near as much to say as the director thought. The ending is kind of sad, but I won't spoil it for you here.

Unrated and contains complete frontal male nudity, sexual situations, and language. "All Male, All Nude" didn't go anywhere near where it could have gone. This is pretty tame considering the subject matter.

Scareycrows (2017)

Fire--We Need Fire

[1/10 · 7 December 2017]

The indie scene from across the pond has proved it, too, can push out a turd or to when it sets its mind. This is the case for "Scareycrows." These "things" are supposed to either (a) keep away evil spirits from a small town in England, or (b) are demented killers controlled by a witch--which we'll talk about later.

Guys, you all have heard me say dozens of time that I don't have a problem with "camp." I also don't have a problem with "cheap," because I have been afforded many great opportunities to find some little gems by watching some "cheap" movies. This one, however, was just too much. It isn't funny enough to fall in the category of "comedy," and it isn't scary (at all), which would place it in the horror genre. The script (if there was/is one) is all over the place and makes little to no sense. The witch plot is just plain ridiculous. Seems a girl had the hots for one of the locals and he pushed her away! In fact, he pushed her over a wall and she now sits in a wheelchair uttering nary a word--all the while looking like she's just been hit in the head with a brick. Yet, for whatever reason, she controls the scareycrows.

I am one (of many) persons who think scarecrows are both creep and scary looking. The "scareycrows" look like their heads were drawn by first-graders. Note to director: if you at least want to attempt to scare your audience, don't have your monsters look like they've been drawn by school children.

The version I saw was not rated but contained sexual situations and some violence.

The Sound (2017)

The Sounds of Silence

[4/10 · 2 December 2017]

I won't be as hard on this movie as the other review. I just found it missed it's mark for the most part.

"The Sound" stars Rose McGowan as a "reporter" who has chosen to debunk the sightings of "ghosts". She believes--and actually tells some--"there is no such things as ghosts," and believes any paranormal sightings can always be debunked. It is when she gets a message from a follower stating "Have I got a story for you" she gets more than she bargained for.

I found the lighting and sound were the major selling points of this movie. All I kept thinking was "you've got to get OUT of this place"! McGowan is alright (although I much preferred her earlier looks) and she goes through the motions quite well. It's just the "side story" really detracted me from focusing on the main point of the movie.

The movie is unrated but contains adult situations and language.

Cold Moon (2016)

Pretty Bad

[2 December 2017]

"Cold Moon" is a ghost story, albeit a BAD ghost story. It seems a local family is about to go tits up on their mortgage with the local bank...and...it seems the evident bad guy at the bank is after that land.

"Cold Moon" managed to misadvertise itself all over the place. "Coffins will rise from the earth" (there was actually one that did that). The story is just too lame--not to mention too unscary--to pass for horror. Couple that with the fact the audience knows from the beginning who the bad guy is and you've got yourself a movie that has no way to entertain anyone. EVERY person in this "small southern town" is diabolical and/or already bought by the bank president. The people involved did try to create a few scares, but even they became laughable after a point.

The version I saw is unrated. It contains nudity, sexual situations, violence, and language. Can't recommend it.

Killer Christmas (I) (2017)

Killer Snooze-fest

[1/10 · 26 November 2017]

Good lord; where to begin...

"Killer Christmas" is an el cheapo movie (I'd say made for about $100) about six people who go to a Christmas tree lot to cut a tree, only to decide they'd rather go explore an abandoned hotel. And, of course, they can't stay together. They decide to play the noisiest game of hide-n-seek, where nobody really hides but everybody stomps around. And for whatever reason, it seems an eternity before the killer finally appears, although there's really no surprise in who it is.

Anything and everything (just about) is wrong with this movie. The editing is horrendous. It goes from broad daylight to black dark in, oh, about 30 seconds. I will say this: the actors did what they could, but it was the script that did them in. The pacing was way off. People--and cars--appear and disappear in the same speed it went from light to dark. One shot of the victims shows very nicely lit houses in a subdivision not a stone's throw away.

Rated "R" for constant language and very minimal violence you'd be wise to ask for anything but a copy of this movie.

Haunters: The Art of the Scare (2017)

Too Much

[2/10 · 24 November 2017]

We've all been to "haunted houses." Most of these places seem to appear out of nowhere about a month or so before Halloween. Most of these houses are pretty innocuous. This film is about those that are not.

"Haunters" is about some notorious haunted houses that go (what I would call) "beyond safe." Those involved are NOT interested in just scaring people; they want to literally torture and victimize those who may dare to venture through the confines. Don't get me wrong; I enjoy a good scare as much as anyone. However, I found what was done in these haunts went way beyond a safe level.

I do not care how many "waivers" a person may sign, that doesn't make these side-shows any safer. It's one thing to have a jump scare, but there is no rhyme or reason as to why the participants are holding peoples' heads below water, putting putrid stuff in their mouths and (when they vomit) have been so lovingly instructed by the proprietors to "pick up the vomit and put it back in their mouths."

One experience called "Blackout" is literally a one-on-many torture encounter. Interviewing one participant who made it through, the viewer learns he "did things that would cost him his marriage" and "thing that would cost me my freedom." Now, think about that for a second. The guy had earlier referred to "rape"; I wonder if that's what he did. With enough loose canons out there already, these places would be just what they'd need to unhinge completely. What was even more frightening to me were the participants who seemed to experience orgasms while wallowing in the carnage.

The movie is not rated and I personally do not recommend it. Mark my words, people are going to wind up getting killed in one of these "abodes" because they are hell-bent on out-doing their rivals. Then--and only then--will something finally be done to control these idiots.

Blade of the Immortal (2017)

Let the Blood Flow

[9/10 · 14 November 2017]

After reading the other reviews, I realized I'm not NEAR the film buff I thought I was! I learned this was this director's 100 film. I'm sorry to say I have missed his other 99.

"Blade of the Immortal" centers around a samurai who, after doing battle with an entire town, is ready to die. He has just witnessed the killing of his little sister and after he avenges her, he feels he has nothing else to live for. Unfortunately for him, an evil spirit has followed his trail and instead of helping him die, injects him with bloodworms, which will keep him immortal. He now merely exists and his greatest wish still is to die. It is during his existence he realizes he is nowhere near getting his wish.

I loved the style of this movie. The beginning scene is shot in black and white, so don't think there's anything wrong with your television or the movie. The way the black and white part of the film segues into the color portion is amazing. I loved all the characters introduced, as they all had depth to them--everyone had his/her own back story.

This film is rated "R" for constant graphic violence, a little salty language, and adult themes. I hope that I can find more films done by this director because this one certainly was entertaining. In Japanese with subtitles and has a running time of 2 hours and 20 minutes.

Dementia 13 (2017)

Not Demented Enough

[3/10 · 7 November 2017]

It's sometimes hard to believe that Francis Ford Coppola's first film was a black and white horror movie entitled "Dementia 13." Shot in the early 1960s, there were some actual chills and thrills, as an ax murderer roamed the castle grounds of a family.

What's even harder to believe is how (all these years later), a 2017 release of the same movie cannot offer half of what the original does. This time, the Haloran family owns a castle in England where all the family is to meet to celebrate Catherine. Trouble is, Catherine has been dead for quite some time. Had those involved with this film stuck with this simple premise, the movie might have had a chance. However, they could not leave well enough alone. From hit men to ghosts of Japanese workers who built the castle--it's all in there. It isn't scary (if you cannot figure out in the first 15 minutes who is doing the killing, you never need to watch another horror movie).

Unrated, but contains horror violence, language, and nudity.

Jeepers Creepers III (2017)

HUGE Letdown

[2/10 · 30 October 2017]

I've waited close to 15 years for this? Jeepers Creepers 3 was one big old mess. I immediately knew something was up when its premiere was on the SyFy Channel. Now that could be for several reasons-- there was much ballyhoo about how this film was going to be protested and "blackballed" (so to speak) by fans because it seems director Victor Salva was found guilty of child molestation/child pornography.

This product seemed unfinished, rushed, and slapped together in order to make (a) a little money; (b) try to please all the restless fans who have been patiently awaiting this installment; or (c) strike while the iron was hot.

The film MAY make a little money; however, it's not going to please the fans, and watching the film up to the end is like having sex for 90 minutes with absolutely no payoff. Instead, the viewer is left asking whether or not there will be a Part 4. My question about that is: if there was this much trouble getting Part 3 released and with continued threat of more boycotts, what would make those involved with this mess think anyone would pay for a Part 4?

Unrated (I think) and damn near unwatchable.

War for the Planet of the Apes (2017)

Simply the Best of the Franchise

[10/10 · 27 October 2017]

Believe it or not, I debated for a long time as to whether or not I was going to watch this. I found the original (in this genre's reboot) to be better than the original, but found its sequel to be simply boring, overrated, and almost unwatchable. And then, there's the third installment.

I cannot believe how involved I became in this film. I found the writing, the story, the pace, the directing--everything--to be leaps and bounds above the other two films. The casting for this film was perfect. What really blew me away, though, was the actual story. Everything is tied up and all questions answered in the third chapter. What's even more amazing is it all makes sense!

When the film opens, the humans are trying to flush out Caesar and his minions. After years of battle, it seems a certain faction of the humans have found a Messiah; someone who will lead them to the retaking of their land. Known only as "The Colonel," and delightfully portrayed by Woody Harrellson, I cannot think of too many characters on film I have despised more. On his way in search of The Colonel, Caesar begins to discover something may not be right in the community of humans.

Rated PG-13 for sci-fi violence and torture, this is one of the best films of this year. I highly recommend it.

The Monster Project (2017)

The Monster Project

[6/10 · 17 October 2017]

Checking this out On-Demand, it is safe to say I was more than leery. After it was over, I was glad I paid the $3.99 to view it.

"The Monster Project" was far and above better than I would have ever thought. I have seen so many duds in this genre (yes; it is yet another "found footage" venture), I thought I'd waste another $3.99. After the movie gets going (and it doesn't take it that long to get going), I discovered some genuine scares, some great special effects, and ended the film feeling a little unnerved. You guys can read a movie synopsis when you check this out, so I'm not going to waste your time telling you the obvious.

I applaud this movie for actually trying--and succeeding--in genuinely scaring its audience. With just a couple of tweaks, this movie could really have been a knockout. Rated R for thematic violence. I recommend it.

B&B (2017)

B & B - Don't Overstay your Visit...

[8/10 · 17 October 2017]

I was not as taken with this movie as the other reviewer; however, it was still a damn good thriller.

It seems a gay couple were refused their right to a single bed at a Christian B & B. They return a year later to claim what is rightfully theirs by law. Nonetheless, the owner of the B & B will not give in to their demands. Fred (being the less aggressive one), wants to let well enough alone; Marc won't go down without a fight. Fred gets an unexpected surprise by none other than the establishment owner's son. Everything seems headed one way...and then the mysterious (and very handsome) Russian appears. What transpires after that is one very taught and well-told tale.

Rated "R" for adult situations, simulated gay sex, and violence, this was a pleasant surprise indeed.

Seed of Chucky (2004)

Chucky's at it Again!

[7/10 · 13 October 2017]

Aside from the original, I have not been that big of a fan for this franchise. I always liked Brad Dourif's voice (as Chucky) and thought he got a lot of mileage out of basically a one trick pony. And then I discovered this On-Demand.

I will have to say I was very pleasantly surprised. I don't know if it was the acting, directing, or just the complete story, but I really enjoyed this one. It seems a psychiatric patient just could not comes to grips with the fact Chucky had offed her family; she thought she had done it. While she is being rehabilitated in another hospital, she has an unforeseen visitor, soon the little lady is going down the path to loony-tunes again! Won't give any more of the plot away, but I will say this: I was surprised on the amount of gore in this film!

Not bad for a film that was not that heavily promoted. You can't judge ALL books by the cover. Give this one a peek!! Rated R for strong gore and language.

Wish Upon (2017)

I Wish this movie had never been made...

[1/10 · 13 October 2017]

With the release of this big turd, there may not be much hope left for the horror genre. "Wish Upon" is just awful. Unoriginal, unscary, unmoving; well, it's just as I stated: AWFUL.

Really whiny poor girl finds a Chinese "wish box." As this movie would have it, she's also taking a high school course in Chinese. She can make out just enough of the calligraphy on the box to realize she will be granted seven wishes. What she can't translate, however, is the grave warning on the box. Oooohhhhh, I'm scared. Anyway, she wishes away, people die, but she still keeps wishing. After using her final wish, she thinks she's in the clear...but she's wrong.

The movie failed on just about every level imaginable. It might work for a group date of 13 year-olds, but it won't scare anyone else. Hell, it's not even a given it would scare the 13 year olds.

Rated PG-13 for a better box office, this one is a complete waste of time.

All Eyez on Me (2017)

Hell-Bent on Self Destruction

[1/10 · 1 September 2017]

"All Eyez on Me" was a load of crap, and I'll only use that one word because I'd be censored if I typed how I really felt about the movie. Supposedly a "biography" about the late rapper TuPac Shakur, the film actually did nothing. It had no point, no focus, and sure did little to change my mind about a person who was--plain and simple--a thug, through and through.

Oh, the film tries to make you feel like he was some sort of god, or legend, and his work will always be remembered, etc., etc., etc. I would say a good reason he was so revered was his lifestyle. Seems several kinds of groups get off on that nonsense. Everyone in the film was a "nigger;" every other word was the F-Bomb or the MF-Bomb. Black lives matter, huh?

The film did nothing to make/help me sympathize with this piece of trash, nor any of the goons who hung around him. Every scene was so slanted (always toward him, like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth). And the scenes of his mother trying to tell him to use his mind and not his fists were laughable. Just a note to mom: Just because you can quote Shakespeare doesn't make you civilized.

Rated "R".

Temple (2017)

Just Plain AWFUL!

[1/10 · 1 September 2017]

I just watched another Asian horror film, i.e. "Ghost House" which really creeped the bloomers off me. Surprised by how much I enjoyed that one, I saw this little thing was available On Demand, so I thought I'd give it a try. BIG MISTAKE.

It is almost impossible to state how inept--from top to bottom--this movie is. It is also very hard for me to like any movie where everybody makes every mistake known to man and seems hell-bent on his/her demise. The publicity (as listed by On Demand) is completely false. It states (sic) "three Americans follow a strange man to a temple..." There was NO strange many followed to any temple. They followed a 10-year old boy. Even though they are warned to be sure to be out and away from the temple and the forest before dark, do they listen? Hell no. And it only gets worse after that.

I believe the movie was rated MA (Mature audiences). It has a little language, some laughable images, and horrible acting.

Resident Evil: Vendetta (2017)

RE Vendetta

[7/10 · 27 August 2017]

Quite surprised by this one! It seems that since the first virus was released, things have never been quite the same. "RE Vendetta" is another installment in the ongoing fight between good and evil. This time its main characters are Rebecca, Chris, and Leon. Leon's hair still doesn't move, but I digress.

I have been a huge fan of RE ever since the RE - Nemesis game. Once I tried, I was hooked for life. What I really enjoyed about this particular film was the animation, special effects, and voice acting. The battles (and not just the "boss" ones) are unbelievable. These zombies are smart and move at amazing speeds, and the tricks Mr. Leon Kennedy does on a motorcycle have to be seen to be believed.

The movie also stays close to its series, and I admired that. It does, however, drag a little bit in places. Other than that, I really enjoyed it.

Rated "R" for graphic violence and a little salty language.

Ghost House (2017)

A Step Way Above the Rest!

[8/10 · 19 August 2017]

A couple (Jim and Julie) arrive in Thailand for a relaxing vacation. They immediately meet their "tour guide," a taxi driver named Gogo. He agrees to be their guide and take them anywhere they want to go while visiting. Upon entering their hotel, Julie notices a small structure and is immediately curious. It is explained to her the structure is a "ghost house" (spirit house) and is there so spirits can be kept at bay. Little does this couple know they are about to become part of Thailand's hushed paranormal history.

"Ghost House" is a step way above most of its competitors in this genre. I found the cinematography, direction, and effects excellent. The makeups are well above what is usually found in movies of this genre. Scout Taylor-Compton (Laurie Strode in Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween 2) plays Julie. I will say one thing: NOBODY can scream like her! James Landry Hebert plays Jim, Julie's boyfriend. He soon realizes he is in just as much danger as she is.

The director knew what he was doing, that's for sure. He managed to give you just enough jump scares at the right time, while still managing to fool you into thinking you'll know when the next one is coming.

Rated "R" for violence, language, and sexual situations, if you want a good scare, check into the "Ghost House."

The Veil (II) (2017)

The Veil

[1/10 · 16 August 2017]

I could not begin to tell you a thing about this movie--other than I watched it. I don't know what it was about, could not decipher the good guys from the bad, what the ending meant, what the beginning meant, nor what the director's vision (if he had one) was. Could barely understand anything that was said, as it was another one of those pretentious twit movies where they'd have you think the fate of everyone and everything hinges on every whisper.

As you can tell, I didn't care much for it so I'll just leave it at that. Watch at your own risk because this is one 90-minute movie that goes absolutely nowhere. Unrated, but does have some violence.