fifi_st_michael Reviews

The Wicker Man (2006)

burn this movie

[1/10 · 22 December 2007]

The only good to come of this crappy remake is that perhaps it led hordes of inevitably disappointed movie-goers to rent the original Wicker Man, which is a haunting, nuanced masterpiece full of religiously and anthropologically sound lore, and ethereal anachronism.

I curse Hollywood, Nicolas Cage, and everyone involved in ruining the integrity of the original film, and mainstreaming its ethereal metaphors and deep symbolism into puerile pseudo-blockbuster garbage.

Any semblance of meaning was stripped away.

Without a coherent paganistic society as a backdrop, what was the point of even attaching the Wicker Man to this pathetic endeavor?

It's a grave injustice to its predecessor.

We can all rejoice, however, at Nicolas Cage's career smoldering in the Wicker Man's cinders... his moronic, aging efforts to combine action with dumbed-down arcane will only lead to movies even worse (if that's even possible) than Ghost Rider and National Treasure

The Graveyard (2006 Video)

Should be buried

[1/10 · 22 December 2007]

Very amateur, student-film quality.

Maybe Christopher Pike or RL Stine wrote this as a practice exercise.

Inconsistent plot, full of holes and bad transitions.

People who are supposed to pass for college? possibly HS students play a most unconvincingly lame and tedious game of hiding in a cemetery.

Yawn for several minutes as each of 6 enters through the iron-staked broken gates as what passes for character introduction.

Despite the fact that someone is tragically impaled there (in a very transparent practical joke gone wrong), when the movie cuts to 5 years later, no one has repaired the obviously dangerous and previously fatal ironwork.

Bobby, who did time for this accidental manslaughter, acts stand-offishly cold.

SO why is he there for this stupid closure/ reunion, anyway?

Oh, to play a joke on someone. Not even a good one. 5 yrs in prison, and still a one-act cornball.

People are dying... (yawn)

You can figure out who's shady.

Meanwhile there are a few Goosebumps- type red herrings, which are more annoying distracting than remotely convincing.

Some convoluted sex along the way, just to make sure you're paying attention, and remind you that anyone who gets laid in a horror movie ends up dying.

Some sideplots that you wouldn't care about, except that the main plot is so basic you'll want to divert yourself into thinking this is one of those movies where the tangents all come together.

It's not.

The ending is very Christopher Pike/ RL Stine.

I was able to rent this for free, and I got my money's worth.

Slither (2006)

Who is Bill Pardy?

[10/10 · 21 December 2007]

Nevermind.

Just don't let him use your bathroom!

Easily one of the most underrated films of its genre, this movie deserves a place in the annals of horror filmdom, or at least in your DVD collection.!

Slither is eerily intelligent and darkly fun - full of rich characters and a plot unlike anything seen before.

This movie has everything - attractive cast, relatable situations, quirky performances, creative story, amazing special effects, huge rewatchability factor, and a monster that actually makes you think about dispersion of selfhood and consciousness (you won't mind though!)

Unforgettably different - Slither is a definite must-see; destined to be a cult classic!

Twisted (I) (2004)

Twisting in pain

[1/10 · 17 December 2007]

Comedically bad. Ashley Judd's character is perhaps one of the worst ever captured on film in the whole of cinematography.

Jessica Shephard is a ridiculous caricature; after a near-fatal encounter, she heads for the nearest bar to shake her booty to "Sex Machine;" an appropriate song, considering that she sleeps with over 70% of the male cast. Try not to shake your head during her pompous, detestable sex scene. Watch in appalled amazement as she peppers her cornball performance with random cheerleader smirks (many of these are like asides which should have been edited out)and smiles to fill space while drinking cheap Cabernet from an inappropriate glass.

Absorb the zen-like filming of her martial arts prowess... as an action star, Ashley Judd is the wannabe female equivalent of Steven Seagal when he was in shape and could get away with such bad acting.

Just TRY not to laugh at the scene when she pricks herself on a rose thorn: as she sucks the blood drop off, she does this over-the-top porno-quality smile like she's in ecstasy,rolling her eyes up to heaven, and then does the most awful collapse-onto-the-floor ever filmed. It's hysterically bad.

Besides Ashley Judd's amateurishly stupid acting, the plot is worthy of daytime TV, soap opera-quality drama at best, complete with an idiotic montage to recap everything, since you are expected to not be paying attention anyway.

I feel bad for Morgan Freeman. I really do. She is repeatedly killing his career.

Watch it for a laugh, and hope Hollywood will pair Ashley Judd with someone more her level, like Steven Seagal.

Summer of Sam (1999)

Misleading tag

[1/10 · 25 August 2007]

Finally got around to renting this.

YES I already knew that it would not shed any light whatsoever on David Berkowitz (which is quite a shame)

The idea of a film taking place in that context, however, was quite a refreshing breakthrough.

However, the execution was severely disappointing.

The main storyline IS NOT suspicion among friends and neighbors (if the focus stayed here, it would have been truly compelling)

The bulk of the film is wasted on the Leguizamo's perversions interfering with his marriage, in redundant and graphic detail.

He likes certain kinds of sex that he feels would cheapen his wife.

If I wanted to watch a movie about a cheating pervy husband, I would have rented something else!

This plot line overtakes the whole fiasco, blurring the more interesting story lines.

A mistake.

It prevents the film from EVER airing on network TV.

ADD: several annoying, overly long disco sequences.

Setting the mood of an era is fine, but too much is more than enough.

Overall comes across as a rough draft in severe need of editing.

Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life (2005 TV Movie)

Lifetime strikes again!

[1/10 · 26 July 2005]

When virgin swimmer Justin gets accepted by the popular kids, they turn him on to extremely soft-core porn, which makes him stare at girls and chug six-packs of Red Bull. Ironically, he's more naked in most of this movie than any of the internet girls he looks at so obsessively. His swimming stats suffer as a direct result, which is sad because his mother actually says that swim team is Justin's ONLY CHANCE of getting into a good school. He's only a sophomore! GEEZ! How about emphasizing academics? Help him with his homework or something. She even discourages study sessions with over-the-top virgin do-gooder Amy. No wonder Justin falls in with a "bad" crowd... This one kid, Tim, who introduces Justin to porn in the first place, delivers an Oscar-worthy performance. When he shakes Justin down in the locker room, screaming, "I'm getting perverted spam on account of you!" you really feel his pain. See, for Tim and the other jocks, porn was like a bicycle. They were okay with the training wheel phase, but latex catsuits? That's going too far! The Monica storyline is too stupid for words. Next time you see a beat-up, strung-out looking guy laying in a pile of garbage, don't just assume alcohol or drugs got him there - IT WAS PROBABLY PORN.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)

Revenge of the (re-arrange the letters in S-I-T-H)

[1/10 · 27 May 2005]

Too many incongruities ( Yoda - flexible at times, then needs a cane? Annikin turns evil in a heartbeat, etc).

Let's not forget the hideous Titanic-worthy "You are so beautiful" dialogue. (No, it's because I am so in love with you...)

And, someone DID already say this, but just in case you didn't notice, wasn't that last scene very Lion King? Luke, Simba... same shot! A new hope! How sappy, overdone, ripped-off and unnecessary. Cheese.

Hayden Christensen predictably blew it (again)! I don't watch these movies as practice exercises to see how well an actor has "improved!"

He should go to acting school on his own time, and not RUIN a classic villain in the meantime! The last film proved he couldn't hack it!

George Lucas could afford someone more talented! With the timeline of the film, it would have acceptable/smart to recast Annikin. But he didn't bother. He might as well have cast Justin Timberlake or Carrot Top to deliver those corny soap opera lines.

It reeks of "I never went to the prom, everything I know about girls I learned from "General Hospital!"

The choice of Hayden Christensen was boyband-type marketing. Duh. He attracts teenage girls (Consumers/frivolous money-wasters)who otherwise would not be remotely interested in this film (unless they want to impress their crushes by having seen it).

Not that I blame him specifically for the film's lack of depth. But he certainly brought it down yet another notch.

Kicking & Screaming (2005)

Oscar-caliber film!

[1/10 · 27 May 2005]

*May contain "spoilers"*

This movie was Oscar-worthy incredible! Never before have I seen such an inventive, original script!

An underdog team rising to the top, despite all odds! How "inspired!" I've never seen anything like it! No one's ever done this before!

Who could believe that these misfit losers would ever get anywhere? I was so sure they'd lose the big game miserably!

But just as I was about cry into my popcorn, they got the never-before-seen pep rally and it worked! Amazing!

Wow! This movie sure cured me of whatever stereotypical formulaic expectations I feel so guilty about having...

It's a masterpiece! An inspiring classic of "Raging Bull" caliber. I'm sure this will endure countless decades, unscathed and unmatched in its magical, inspiring quality.