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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)
Leatherface in Love??
The original TCM_1, like the original JAWS, should never have been "remade" or recycled. TCM_1 was a product of its time, and truly inspired. It relied on claustrophobic atmosphere, believable characters and implied violence. Very tough to watch with the lights out - especially alone.
TCM_2 is simply ridiculous. Gone is the nightmarish claustrophobia, the shadows and sense of impending doom. This sequel goes for "black comedy" but instead makes a parody of itself.
We get way, WAY too much of the crazy jabbering bad guys, especially Chop Top, who never shuts up. The villains' dialog is almost vaudevillian in its oneupmanship of pseudo-clever lines. Leatherface literally falls in love with our Heroine. They repeat the entire Grandpa's dinner scene from the original.
Since this was supposedly about our cannibal clan (hiding in an abandoned amusement park) capturing and killing people to make chili they serve at state fairs (!) wouldn't it've been cooler to have the baddies force our Heroine to EAT it - rather than repeat the same scenes from the original? Nothing here except a lot of gore, noise and bombast, all amounting to nothing.
To be fair, we're not in HOBGOBLINS territory here. But the final shot, with our short-shorts babe doing a chainsaw jiggle dance - makes me wonder what the heck they were smoking.
George Romero (with a lot of help from Dario Argento) made a grand leap from the bleak horror of NOTLD to DAWN, with sharp social commentary, and the humor, such as it is in DAWN, is well placed: it's NOT a comedy.
All of TCM_2 should have been left on the cutting room floor, so to speak.
The She Beast (1966)
amateur hour
Was this film shot in Super-8? Amateurish, poorly acted and rather embarrassing for all involved. There couldn't have been any dailies to review to see if anything went wrong - at the end of the day, all the little film reels were mailed off to one of those labs that used to advertise in the color supplements.
It's barely a notch above the Larry Buchanan/Andy Milligan dreck, although at least they try to make a fairly scary ugly old witch. Had this been done by a 15 year old I'd say good job, kid - but why any self-respecting adult would want credit for this is unimaginable.
Then again, "directors" like Buchanan had no problem showing monsters with obvious ping pong balls for eyes, big zippers and even sneakers. So if you thought "Attack of The The Eye Creatures" (yes, he even mis-spelled the main title!) was entertaining, you'll enjoy She Beast.
Troll 2 (1990)
Bad or Demented?
Let's get real folks, about what a truly BAD movie is - a BAD film has lasting entertainment value, if only because we can laugh at it and make ourselves feel good in the process - hey, even I can do better than that! TROLL 2 is like HOBGOBLINS - hopelessly inept, bandaged up by blind elephant doctors hoping to salvage a useless mess. I doubt anyone ever intended to make it THAT bad.
Ed Wood, however, is the Elvis of bad: he is the perfect storm of ambition, vision, ineptitude and outright dementia. From GLEN OR GLENDA to BRIDE OF THE MONSTER to NIGHT OF THE GHOULS and of course, PLAN 9 - how could anyone literally think what they were doing was good enough to commit to film? Paper place saucers? Cardboard cockpits? Wood is FIRESIGN THEATER all rolled into one - mostly because he truly thought he was making good films, albeit a few "short cuts." TROLL 2 is easily one of the most ineptly salvaged movies ever; but then, so is MONSTER A GO-GO.
Buio Omega (1979)
Strong stomachs only
Sickening but effective drive-in fare: if you can take the acid-bath/dinner scene, good luck! Reminds me of schlock/grossout fare like DEVIL TIMES FIVE and DON'T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT, only nastier.
D'Amato was a workingman's director who didn't seem to care much about the content; an Italian William Beaudine; he was, however, far better than Jess Franco!
From the IMDb bio:
During the 1980s and 1990s D'Amato directed over 100 hardcore porn sex films for the Italian video market, although under his many pseudonyms he continued to direct and produce other films. One of them was Deliria (1987) directed by Michele Soavi on which, under his real name, Massaccesi served as producer. He then directed two "Ator the Invincible" films. He directed the violent, hardcore Caligola: La storia mai raccontata (1982), using the name "David Hills", a commercial exploitation (some might say "rip-off") of the successful film by Tinto Brass.
His long film career came to an abrupt end when, in January 1999, he suffered an unexpected and fatal heart attack at his home in Rome. He was 62. Joe D'Amato had made his mark on Italian cinema as a talented director, scriptwriter, producer and cinematographer with scores of films and more than a dozen aliases to his credit.
Spaceballs (1987)
Embarrassing
I was expecting something along the lines of AIRPLANE! - a truly hilarious, if sophomoric gag-fest. SPACEBALLS, on the other hand, is strictly for sixth graders. The jokes are all elbow-in-the-rib puns (Pizza the Hut - get it?) and childish sight gags, with none of the ground-breaking shock value of Blazing Saddles nor the wit that made Young Frankenstein such a classic. How long can you go on and on with the same innocuous Star Wars jokes? Just like George Lucas, nobody wanted to say "no" to Mel Brooks - Mel says it's funny, it's funny. Ironically, Lucas ended up making a parody of his own saga with Phantom Menace. Jar Jar Binks would've actually worked in Spaceballs - such a despicably stupid character would fit right in with Barf...
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
Disgraceful dumb-down
Not since "Phantom Menace" have I been so disappointed - yet another major franchise down the tubes. Spielberg must have directed this from his yacht with a blackberry, letting film students do the grunt work. You have to wonder if Lucas and Spielberg had a contest as to who could come up with the most stupid - and trite - situations.
Spielberg jumps the shark early with the now infamous "fridge bomb" scene. True, part of Indy's schtick is getting out of nearly impossible scrapes, but it's always because of his skill, his wits and brass balls. Herein, our mega-millionaire auteurs put Indy and company into ridiculously impossible situations, and mere luck gets them out of it (such as the triple-waterfall plunge).
The "writers" brazenly steal themes, scenes and plot elements from other movies, especially from THE MUMMY - and even steal from their OWN movies! A power duo like Lucas/Spielberg can literally do anything they want in Hollywood, but chose the easiest and sleaziest ways out, sticking their fingers in their fans' eyes in every frame. Most of the action scenes are obvious CGI's, and there are more than a few very poorly done green-screen inserts. Hitchcock could get away with that in the 60s, but today there's no excuse, especially when you have a budget greater than the GDP of most third world countries.
NOTE TO Hollywood CONEHEADS: CGI is no longer special - we can spot it a mile away; film-making 101 - if you can see the special effect it's NOT a special effect; CGI is completely overdone; remember most of your audience has been raised on video games, and your movies have become video games with no joystick.
Sadomania - Hölle der Lust (1981)
Pretty darn good for a Franco film
Let's face it - Jess Franco is only a step or two above Larry Buchanan or T.V. Mikels - he endures because he's a soft-core pimp, and apparently makes a happy living at it! Most Franco films are dull, dull, dull... nothing ever happens, unless you like 8mm zoom shots on naked girls, followed by endless reams of talk, talk, talk. However, SADOMANIA actually has a plot, some action and real cohesion. It's his version of Most Dangerous Game with naked babes.
If you like this one, Franco's other two good ones are RITES OF FRANKENSTEIN and WOMEN IN CELL BLOCK 9.
Just so you know what you're getting into - he's no Joe D'Amato!
Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
just a remake of 'where no man' -
I'm a ridiculous Trek fan - I stood in line in the snow for hours at our local theater for the 2nd showing (first was sold out!); my first concern was seeing the faces of the first audience as they exited - flat, dull, vaguely sad. Not good. As I saddled into my seat, expecting the best, I began to realize why even hardcore Trek fans dropped like flies.
The film is a remake of "Where No Man Has Gone Before" - with no dramatic tension. Our favorite characters, Kirk, Spock, McCoy et al, are all secondary, with the entire plot given to a pair of complete unknowns; we're also expected to faint like Obamatrons by the mere presence of a big-scale wide model Enterprise - so much ooohing and aaahing, wow it's really really big after all! - even that wears thin after awhile.
Boring beyond belief.
Not the place to get any new Trek fans: WRATH OF KHAN is far, far better, but you still have to know SPACE SEED to really get it.
I have a 9 year old who has NO CLUE about Trek - so I'm showing him three of the originals:
- City on the Edge of Forever - Trouble With Tribbles - What are Little Girls Made Of?
Not a bad start, hopefully...
Bang Bang Kid (1967)
funny if you're 5 years old
Juvenile "comedy" with Tom Bosley coming into town along with some fat slob wearing a plastic mask that's supposed to make him a "robot" - plays like an old TV sitcom with everything but a laugh track. Appears to have been made for TV, there's nothing "cinematic" about it; may appeal to 5 year olds, geriatrics and anyone under heavy medication, at best.
What's most annoying about this movie is the obvious apathy on everyone's part - as you watch Bosley slog through his performance you can almost hear him thinking, "thank god for my union contract - I'd never do anything like this for free."
Street Kings (2008)
Engaging time passer
There are so many cop movies, especially on TV, you've already seen it all, waiting for something with a fresh twist. Forget it, not here. Cop films like this are always formulaic, and you may as well wait for TV or DVD; it's the same as CSI and other productions, pretty generic; the setup is engaging - good cop manipulating evidence to ensure conviction of a bad guy - but it devolves into typical cop stuff you've seen a thousand times already. Plenty of plot holes, too, and it really doesn't hold up; if you're looking for the next FRENCH CONNECTION, VALACHI PAPERS or SEVEN UPS, you won't find it here; it's just a slightly bigger TV show with dirtier language.
Killer Barbys vs. Dracula (2002)
beyond the valley of Franco
There was a time when Franco at least tried to make entertaining movies - always sloppy (he'd shoot lots of loose footage, then resell/repackage the same stuff to different distributors under different titles); but this is even worse than Lust For Frankenstein - just a cheap amateur whack-job shot on camcorder by high school students.
At least Ed Wood tried to make "important" movies - but he had a terribly overinflated sense of himself, and unfortunately - no talent.
Franco has talent, and occasionally employs it, but he IS a sleaze and cheese (and he's no Joe D'Amato!) Franco's best films are the most misogynistic: SADOMANIA, BARBED WIRE DOLLS, WOMEN IN CELL BLOCK 9, THE DEMONS and EROTIC RITES OF FRANKENSTEIN - any of which you should watch before dumpster-diving into his many, many other duds.
Lust for Frankenstein (1998)
cheap, amateur garbage
Franco's done some really, really bad stuff in the past, but there was a time where it seemed he at least tried to make a FILM, rather than a cheap camcorder shot, and this may be the worst of all - it doesn't even qualify as a movie - more like a high-schooler running around with his dad's camcorder hoping to make something "cool" - yes, it's that bad. Even if you got this movie for free you'd get about 10 minutes into it and throw it away.
Go back and check out his earlier EROTIC RITES OF FRANKENSTEIN or SADOMANIA or WOMEN IN CELL BLOCK 9 and you'll see at least some talent and bizarre creativity.
Rambo (2008)
Astounding!
This ain't your daddy's Rambo- this a powerful, expertly made action thriller with a pure and powerful message: GOOD is worth fighting for! Stallone is perfect: he is the Dirty Harry of the jungle; no silly dialogue, no unnecessary humor - he plays it straight down the line; the worst I can say is that it may be too much like Apocalypse Now - but it dovetails nicely with that film, and this RAMBO is done with power and respect - bravo, Sly!
Caution: although the violence is highly stylized a la Peckinpah, RAMBO is EXTREMELY violent and NOT for kids who don't understand right and wrong..
The Creation of the Humanoids (1962)
One of a Kind
I first saw this on late nite TV in the late 60s/early 70s, Chiller Theater; pretty dreary after you've stayed up watching Monster of Piedreas Blancas, or Beast of the Dead;
CREATION is a strangely monotonous film: no catchy slogans or bites or music; in fact, the film is about as anti-Hollywood as you can get: it's talky, stagy, and yet - when it's finally revealed that ALL of them are Humanoids, trying to remember "humanity" - it hits you pretty hard, and you realize, at the closing, that you've been fooled - ! This film is true to itself, and it gets better the more you watch it -you'll be surprised how "robotic" the so-called modern stuff you're watching is today!