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Reviews
Citadel (2023)
Ham acting, puerile script, sub-MTV camera work, choppy editing, zero focus
Apparently the show runners want us to take this pile of steaming cabbage seriously. This is unfortunate, as with only a few tweaks this could easily have been one of the finest and most enjoyable spoof spy TV shows ever made.
Teeth clenching, steel jawed, staring off into infinity - yup Richard Madden has spy farce down pat, and by far the worst thing about the entire show (as was the case with The Eternals). Stanley Tucci dialled it in (and that's being charitable). Ham acting left, right and centre from all involved.
Only Chopra in any way redeemed this turgid pile of poo, and that was the only surprise.
Overall, impossible to take seriously, unless you're maybe 9 years old.
Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore (2022)
Not with a bang but a whimper
TS Eliot, The Hollow Men >
"Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion"
Perfect summary of this unholy mess.
Great line in Waiting for Godot >
"Nothing happens. Nobody comes. Nobody goes. It's *awful*"
For this Dumb movie >
"Nothing happens. Everybody comes. Everybody goes. It's awful"
And something I've NEVER seen before in a movie credits >
"Based on a screenplay by JK Rowling"
So, right, it's a screenplay based on a screenplay based on a screenplay based on what, a paper napkin? A tampon?
It actively made me angry for every single minute of its two hundred and nineteen godforsaken minutes.
Black Site (2022)
Michelle Monaghan and Jason Clarke Should Be Ashamed
Easily the worst Sky-backed detritus to date, and that's saying something. All aspects of the making of this drivel are the lowest common denominator possible. Exceptionally low rent. NOW TV has managed one new film added in the past 7 days and this is what we get? Cancelling my subscription immediately just on principle.
Blacklight (2022)
Hanging up shoes time
I'm a huge Liam fan, but alas this below mediocre movie points to one thing only - time to hang up your very big shoes buddy, retire gracefully and perhaps get back to acting and film making that befits your not inconsiderable and important skills.
This movie was a step too far into the gutter.
Arès (2016)
Considering the budget, exceptional
Dark vision of the (relatively) near future. Generally well acted, definitely well written. Perhaps the last 20 minutes could have been more impactful, but overall an outstanding achievement. Great sound editing by the way, which puts several Christopher Nolan films to shame. Some great music too, especially the end credits set to Jasmine Thompson's amazing cover of "Mad World".
Refreshing after this year's diet heavily laden with Netflix cholesterol.
Red Notice (2021)
Oops! (We) did it again...
Yup, that's right, yet another pile of steaming Netflix poop!
Generally find Ryan Reynolds, and even The Rock, palatable, in a mindless sort of way. Despite heroic efforts from both, they understandably fail to muster much enthusiasm from a limp, wilted lettuce leaf of a script, with a flavour of direction which is still more incompetent than the writing.
If the producers had piled up 200 million dollars in 100 dollar bills, doused the whole thing in gasoline and set it on fire, the whole event would be infinitely more entertaining than Red Notice.
Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)
Pretty awful writing, sometimes crude CGI
I'm aghast at the volume of high scoring reviews.
Found it bland, often incoherent. CGI sub Genshin Impact. Plundering left and centre from superior Chinese films, but missing the point. Feels shockingly outdated and outmoded. The intermittent attempts at humour misfire and are mostly not appropriate to the context.
The great Tony Leung really should have known better than to get mixed up in this rehash of well worn tropes.
It's a X for me alas.
Capone (2020)
Rather dull
Wildly inconsistent performance from Tom Hardy that ultimately disappoints. Blah subject matter. Surprisingly excellent performance from Matt Dillon, and other supporting cast.
Frankly, performances of Tom Hardy in the past few years have been off kilter and unfathomable.
Overall the movie is ok, but a good chance you'll fall asleep part way through.
Universe (2021)
Sparse content. Long silences.
CGI heavy. 10 minutes worth of content per 50 minute episode. Rehashed from prior series, often almost word for word what we've heard from Brian Cox many times before. Long pauses. Rampant edgy music. Ultimately boring, and nothing fresh here. Completely devoid of any scintillating insights. Fell asleep 3 times attempting to watch ep. 2.
Fantastic Four (2015)
Charming harmless fun...
But extremely dumb. Looks like made for TV. Some bad acting. Appalling special effects.
But it was enjoyable while you're doing something else at the same time.
Black Widow (2021)
Entertaining but mildly disappointing
My biggest concern is that it comes across as a rip off of Red Sparrow with less accomplished actors, way more action and dumb and confused storytelling.
Otherwise I enjoyed it, mostly due to the two lead actors.
Hero Mode (2021)
Clearly fake (paid) reviews here. Blatant and flagrant
Whoever wrote this (and greenlighted it), hasn't the faintest notion of corporate finance, M&A, games development, youth culture or how people communicate in 2020-21. Completely unrealistic and woefully outdated. Awful camera work. Looks like made for TV (and that's being generous).
Recommend you ignore the many fake 10/10 reviews here and avoid. Check out how many of the reviewers scoring 10 have reviewed only 1 movie (this one) - pretty much all of them.
Chaos Walking (2021)
Chaos Sleepwalking
Complete mess. Immediately irritating, intensely dreary.
Tom and Mads do their best. Daisy Ridley is as blank faced and wooden as always.
Best avoided.
Chaos perfectly describes the production and post-production. Sleepwalking best describes the movie.
Shelter (2017)
Beautiful, refreshing, satisfying
Provided you don't go into this film expecting an action movie, most intelligent audiences should be satisfied.
Incredibly refreshing after most of the juvenile rubbish on Prime Video.
Fascinating, mature, great script and direction, wonderful performances. If you pay careful attention throughout you should in no way find the ending contrived, particularly if you have moderate knowledge of how Mossad are believed to operate (including compartmentalisation of knowledge).
I was mesmerized by this excellent drama.
Zoe (2018)
Beautiful, moving frustrating.
Ignore the critics' reviews. Indeed, don't read them. Avoid spoilers.
Found it to be beautiful, lyrical, well performed and fresh. There's a stretch 2/3 of the way in that could profitably have been edited down, resulting in a crisper 90 minutes run time and a tighter film.
Still, it was moving.
Make up your mind yourself.
Run Hide Fight (2020)
Surprisingly ok
I'm not based in the USA, so am divorced from the partisan politics.
On a standalone basis this is a pretty decent movie, with an especially strong performance from the lead actor. I thought she was excellent.
Certainly above average, particularly when compared to the unwatchable garbage that Netflix has produced in the past 18 months.
Worth a watch. Not without its faults, but worth your time.
Beckett (2021)
Unmitigated rubbish
Given the lead actor was far and away the worst thing about Tenet, perhaps it's unsurprising this movie is garbage. Best avoided.
Page Eight (2011)
Superb
Truly outstanding, as one would expect of David Hare as writer and director.
Gripping, masterful, claustrophobic. Top level performances from a talented cast.
Tour de force.
Midsommar (2019)
Unfortunately it's utter, pretentious nonsense
Phenomenal start, but ultimately it's utter pretentious nonsense. Bitterly disappointing.
The Tomorrow War (2021)
Not as bad as the reviews
A movie that's polarised the critics. After the year and a half we've just had with COVID, and a slew of awful straight to streaming garbage from the likes of Netflix, this movie isn't all that terrible. Moderately enjoyable and likeable. It's pretty stupid, but I kinda have to give it a 6.5, grudgingly. One of the better efforts in 2021.
The Beyond (2017)
Scientifically illiterate
Gaping holes in the "science". Eccentrically exaggerated camera shake looks like no half self-respecting documentary I've ever seen. Flawed and almost completely unwatchable.
The 2nd (2020)
Truly appalling...
Quite simply, easily the worst movie I've seen in the last 15 years.
So terrible, even the blood looks like 100% tomato ketchup. And that's one of the "least worst" things about it.
Santa Clarita Diet (2017)
Stunning
Stunning and scintillating.
Speechless.
Funny.
Brilliant.
I'm cancelling my Netflix subscription at the end of this month precisely because they cancelled this.
Army of the Dead (2021)
A monstrosity.
But not in a good way. The script is so bad, not sure how this got made other than by way of Zack Snyder's name. It's actually rather boring and tedious. Was looking forward to this but, alas, a major disappointment.
Is this all Hollywood can manage these days - below average re-hash of worn ideas?
Mostly lifeless. Best acting is from the zombies.
Stowaway (2021)
Started great, then... Flopped
DDK was poor and unconvincing as usual. Anna Kendrick as one dimensional as always. Toni Collette underused. Shamier was excellent.
Some of the science solid, some of it patchy and improperly researched.
Unfortunately, after a promising start it just...tanks.
Netflix should get out of the game of producing second rate products and just buy quality.