KHayes666 Reviews

Against the Dark (2009 Video)

False advertising

[2/10 · 20 January 2010]

I can accept Steven Seagal is never going to reach the popularity he had in the mid 80's and early 90's, but what compels him to make these cookie cutter direct to video releases in the last 5 years I don't know. Every year the movies he makes make less and less sense.

Where to begin on this one...the back of the box says "katana master Tao (Seagal) leads a team of black op mercenaries with a massacre in mind, their target: Vampires." As we get the movie underway, within the first 5 minutes they explain that they're not really vampires but a hybrid between zombie and vampire. Think 28 days later....that's strike one because I wanted to see Seagal go head to head with Stephen Dorff or something.

At first we meet Seagal's gang of mercenaries which turns out to be him, a dude and 2 chicks. They're supposed to clear out the place just the 4 of them? Unless they're the X-Men I don't buy it. Then we meet the group of about 6 random people trapped in the hospital where the entire movie takes place. Their mission is to get to ground level and out to a car.......and that's where the crap begins. The 6 "survivors" repeatedly run into the "vampires" who are so incompetent that none of the survivors die for the first 45 minutes. In fact, Seagal's crew doesn't do a damn thing after the initial slaying for another half hour. They show various camera shots of him walking around while the rest of the morons run for their lives. The dialogue comes off as so horrible you begin to want the group to just die already. In fact, none of the group buys the farm until Seagal's gang shows up. That's just awful security isn't it? In fact, the only member of Seagal's crew worth anything is Tagart, and sadly he's not on screen enough to save this film.

I won't elaborate further because the idea of going over the rest makes my head hurt. The overall fact was it looked to be a monster movie but was in fact just an ordinary zombie movie and all Seagal does is flail away with a kitana sword. Like I said, is this the best role he could play these days? The only 2 highlights is David Keith (a real life friend of Seagal) and Johnny Cage (forgot the actor's name but he plays Cage) debating whether to blow the hospital up.

Horrible....2 out of 10

500 Days of Summer (2009)

The harsh reality of love

[8/10 · 7 December 2009]

To anyone that's ever been in love, you know how it feels to have loved and to have lost.

With that said, 500 Days of Summer is a chick flick even guys have to sit up and take notice. Why? Because the message the movie sends out explains pretty much life in general.

Stuff just happens....yup, how true is that? The plot is a down on his luck greeting card writer named Tom (played brilliantly by Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is a miserable so and so until he meets the mysterious Summer Finn (also played brilliantly by Zooey Deschanel) and this is where the fun begins.

He spends half the movie trying to get with her, a middle portion of the movie with her and pretty much the end trying to get over her. Anyone who's had a woman (or a man) that you can't explain but just can't get over can identify with almost every situation that happens in the movie.

I'll give away everything and say right here, that midway through the movie Summer just ups and breaks up with Tom...which drives Tom over the edge into insanity. This insanity also fires him up to leave his crummy job and go into what he really wants to be, an architect. We then find out that Summer has gotten married in the months she's been away from Tom. Which leads us to the end scene which explains pretty much life. Tom is now an architect sitting where he and Summer once hung out and she happens to sit there with him. He then asks how she got married so soon after breaking it off with him and she says "It just happened" As much as that made me want to jump through the screen and strangle her, its true....things in life happen you just can't explain. Love works in mysterious ways and this movie is proof. You feel for Tom having to watch the woman he loves fall for someone else so easily, and you feel for Tom trying to rebuild his life. The acting is brilliant, the storyline is brilliant...if not sad and wall-punch inducing. The only downside is that...well there really isn't any because this movie is not claiming to be an action or a thriller.

The one and only downside to this movie which prevented it from being 10 out of 10 is when Tom gets into a fight with a jerk at the bar and Summer blames him for it....he's defending your honor sweetie, why be mad at him? I say the highlight is after Summer first breaks up with Tom, he's on a date with another girl and he describes their breakup. "She took a giant s*it on my face, literally" Her "Literally?" Tom catches himself and says "No...not literally, that's disgusting!" All in all its a life lesson to be learned by everyone, things just happen. 8 out of 10

Best of the Best (1989)

Good movie.....almost great

[6/10 · 7 December 2009]

Alright, I've seen over 3 dozen martial arts movies in my life time and this one is a good one, but I'm sorry to say...the acting doesn't deliver.

The plot to the movie is VERY good on paper. The world's Tae Kwan Do championship is coming up and a team of 5 different Americans is chosen to face the reigning champions from South Korea. The Americans led by Coach Couzo (James Earl Jones) has to face themselves before facing their opponents, in more ways than one.

We get your 80's character cliché of The best fighter but with troubled past: (Philip Ree), your guy who looks like a geek but could snap your neck in two (John Dye) your resident a-hole (Chris Penn), your supporter guy just to fill out the roster (David Argresta) and your leader who happens to be the star of the movie (Eric Roberts). We also got your female trainer who happens to care more about the fighters than their training (Sally Kirkland).

Like I said, the on paper storyline development is phenomenal and James Earl Jones does a hell of a job in his role. Unfortunately other than Chris Penn, the rest of the cast leaves a lot to be desired. Sometimes Eric Roberts was a little too melodramatic in his role of Alex Grady and just looking at David Argresta in his role of Sonny made me laugh every time he appeared on screen.

Now, as the movie progresses we learn that Tommy Lee (Philip Ree) happens to be pulling his punches because its discovered the leader of the Koreans Dae Han (Philip's real life brother Simon) had killed Tommy's brother years ago. Tommy doesn't want to hurt anyone but he's forced to literally knock out Virgil (Dye) to prove he can beat anyone. We also learn that Alex has a son who's injured in a car accident, and James Earl Jones comes off as a complete jerk to get Alex's mind off it. However in the end, James shows mercy and drives home the fact he is the best actor of the cast and his scenes later in the movie only prove it.

Now for the plot holes....and there are a few. Apart from the shoddy acting, there's a scene where the 5 fighters are forced to run 20 laps around an outdoor track, which is 5 miles. We're supposed to believe Chris Penn....the fat guy from Reservoir Dogs and To Wong Foo....can run 5 miles without dropping dead? Also he supposedly does 165 sit-ups in a row, HA! Don't get me wrong, Chris Penn in his prime could play the antagonist as well as anyone but they really stretched the character's limits by having him cast. The next part is the bar fight where Team USA cleans house of the rednecks in the bar, how they didn't get arrested is what I'm trying to figure out.

The ending is a little cheesy but it actually set up a "we're all winners" touching moment that even I thought was good. I won't give away too much but I'll get to the point and say the martial arts were good, James Earl Jones was good, the storyline itself was good, the ending was touching....but the acting was mostly ridiculous.

My favorite highlight is actually something you'd miss it if you blinked. Wade (Sally) is getting Team USA to stretch and Travis (Penn) simply lays down, puts a towel over his eyes and goes to sleep while everyone else stretches and struggles.

Overall its a very watchable movie with great fight scenes and Chris Penn and James Earl Jones delivering the goods. The rest of the cast...ugh.

6 out of 10

Fart (2005)

A big stink of a movie

[3/10 · 8 January 2009]

Apparently Russians have a whole different meaning to the movie title than the rest of the world does...but even then, its still a bad movie.

Yevgeni Tsyganov has the worst delivery since the older brother from Welcome to the Dollhouse Yana Yesipovich is cute but still doesn't fair much better. I will say the main antagonist of the flick does a good job but he's not on the screen long enough.

My head hurts from watching this movie. I mean even with subtitles its still confusing.

The one highlight to the movie is near the end, you'll know what I mean.

3 out of 10

Gran Torino (2008)

Absolutely awesome

[8/10 · 4 January 2009]

If you've never seen a Clint Eastwood movie before, and if you're under 21 that's a lot of you....this is one of his best performances of all time.

The storyline is, crotchety old Korean War vet Walter Kowalski (a tip of the hat to Killer Kowalski no doubt) is near death and has nothing to live for. The neighborhood he's lived in for years is now overrun with Koreans, and he being completely racist, can't stand it. One day he catches a kid named Tong trying to steal his prized 1972 Grand Torino and rather than blowing his head off..he takes him under his wing and tries to make a man out of him. Along the way he runs into just about every ethnic gang imaginable and talks down all of them...GOOD! I won't spoil the rest of the movie but lets just say, if more old men were like Eastwood's character, the world would be a much better place.

The one liners in the movie had me laughing till 6 in the morning, one in particular was when Tong asks Walter what he wants to do and he says "You see that tree outside? I want you to go in there and count the birds" All in all its actually a very well done movie and even though the language is not suitable for the whole family, it does have a lot of life lessons throughout and should be a must watch for people of all ages.

The highlight of the movie is when Eastwood calls one gang who's harassing Su, a bunch of "spooks" 8 out of 10

Tales from the Hood (1995)

A little racist but the morals are good

[7/10 · 17 May 2008]

As a white American, I view this movie a lot differently than its intended audience...lemme tell you why.

The movie is basically a Tales From the Crypt like setting with a black cultured twist. It starts off with 3 homeboys checking out "the shyt" from a mortician (played brilliantly by Clarence Williams the 3rd who ironically was in an episode of Tales From the Crypt years earlier). The mortician then tells 4 tales centered around real life issues.

Tale 1 is about 3 white cops who murder a black politician while a rookie black cop looks on. A year later the politician rises from the grave to extract revenge. Its your basic police brutality and one of the weaker stories because its not very realistic, which I thought this movie was supposed to be.

Tale 2 is the second best in my opinion. A child on the first day of school is examined by his teacher to find bruises all over him, he claims the "monster" at home did it. This one centers around child abuse with the awesome moral that there are monsters in real life, just not in the form everyone thinks.

Tale 3 is another weak one but Corbin Bernsen is the man, he absolutely rules so I refuse to hate it no matter how absurd it is. This one's about a former KKK member who's moving into a mansion that was once the sight of a brutal slave massacre back in the civil war days. Once he move in the ghosts of the pasts haunt him and his associate to drive home the fact that someone always pays for the sins of the past. I don't know whether it was a casting goof, but Corbin's associate was a black man so if he was a racist then why would he choose this guy as a partner? The whole dolls come to life idea is another cheesy idea (coming off about 5 Puppet Master and Child's Play movies) and if anyone else was playing the role, I would have hit the fast forward button.

Tale 4 is my personal favorite...it involves a young black gangster who will kill everyone and anyone with no remorse or fear. After murdering some homeboy, the cops catch him and throw him in jail. This is where he meets a white supremacist who thanks him for "doing his job for him." which leads to one of the most sickest, eye opening montages in film history. Basically the moral is, what's the difference between white lynch mobs of the 19th and 20th century and gang bangers from today? Gang violence is murder any way you look at it, and it doesn't matter if the parties are black or white, people suffer and die just the same.

The film is done incredibly well but it does portray the white race as the bad guys with all the characters being racist (3 cops, politician, prisoner in the cell), but I guess that's payback for all the black characters being petty thugs and thieves in the Dirty Harry series.

The tales themselves offer morals that people in every day life deal with, whether it was cheesy or not. Child abuse, crooked cops, corrupt politicians and gang warfare are an unfortunate but very real situations that this movie shines the light on beautifully.

I won't give away the ending but Clarence Williams is the man of the hour and the one with the power, too sweet to be sour.

I guess the highlight for me was when Corbin Bernsen calls the media "spooky reporters" 7 out of 10

Saw III (2006)

Too predictable

[5/10 · 17 May 2008]

The original Saw will be forever one of the most brilliant movies ever made, from beginning to end the first time you see it you are left in amazement. The second movie was a bit of a let down but nonetheless very entertaining to watch, but too much of a good thing is a bad thing which leaves us with....this.

The thing about the first 2 movies are the plot twists that "no one sees coming", and while the first and second movies (the first time through anyway) have that killer x-factor, by now movie fans are looking for the twists. The sad part was I wanted to love this movie, I liked it because of the gore and Tobin Bell's continuing brilliance of John/Jigsaw but I wanted to love it like the first two movies, but I couldn't.

Several plot "twists" become disappointingly clear well before they're supposed to be revealed, which ruins the suspense when you know something's coming. You can come up with the ending's twist simply by putting 2 and 2 together about the possible parents of the children.

The plot of it isn't that great either, a man loses his son in a car accident and must save all the people involved that did nothing about justice for the child? Least the first movie centered around a Doctor with a shady past and the second around a cop's son trapped with a bunch of people his dad locked up. The dude running around debating whether to save people or not was not really something to get behind.

Now lets get to the gore...Dina Meyer gets her ribcage ripped out, a woman literally freezes to death, a judge almost drowns in pig guts and someone gets turned around 180 degrees. I must say they kicked it up a notch from the first 2 movies, but more doesn't necessarily mean better. Where the hell did Jigsaw and Amanda find 100 dead pigs anyway? Unlike the first 2 movies, this movie didn't end like there would be another sequel...yet they made one anyway. I can only hope that one can be a lot better than this, because this was just too predictable.

The highlight of the movie has to be the ribcage thing, I thought she got it bad in Starship Troopers but this takes the cake 5 out of 10

The Next Karate Kid (1994)

Not the worst

[4/10 · 17 May 2008]

I can accept the fact this was the NEXT karate kid so Ralph Macchio can be happily retired from the series, and while Hillary Swank is great for the role....the plot to the movie is just dreadful.

Mr. Miyagi's old buddy from World War 2 dies, leaving his widow to take care of her rebellious grand-daughter when her parents die in an accident. The girl has no discipline yet is the hero because the local ROTC...which I'll explain in a minute, has it out to get her. You know the drill...Miyagi takes her under his wing and in the end they beat the bad guys and everyone lives happily ever after.

Its hokey, its cheesy, its the 90's....but that's not even the long and the short of it. My first case of "huh?" is why is there a "military division" in high school? I thought that stuff went out in the 1960's, especially in a public school. As much as Michael Ironside kicks booty in his role as the main heel, since when is military involved in a high school? My next gripe is that during the prom scene, the militants bungee jump to scare the crap out of people....why? The thing I noticed throughout all 4 movies was at the very end the heels suddenly turn face after all the nonsense they put the main character through (Billy in part 1, Sato in part 2, Kreese in part 3). This movie is no different. After Ned and cronies basically sabotage the senior prom, blow up Eric's car and threaten Hillary Swank the whole movie.....Ironside tells them to beat her up and they're like "um...no" If you're gonna do pathetic face turns, at least make sure the characters haven't done anything too over the top such as blowing up a hot rod.

As for the rest of the love plot between Eric and Hillary Swank....corny but nothing to melodramatic, which is a breath of fresh air from the garbage Ralph Macchio pulled in the first 3 movies.

I will say for its own movie, after watching the first 3 movies, I can accept it being more or less a spin off...but I can't accept the whole military thing, way too uncommon for it to be taken seriously. Now if Ironside and crew was a wrestling/football team and he was the coach, THAT would have been more believable.

Ironside and Morita deliver the goods, Swank is OK...the rest are the same as anything, the one highlight is when they blow up the hot rod, THAT was cool 4 out of 10

The Karate Kid Part III (1989)

The ending...ugh...the ending

[4/10 · 14 May 2008]

You know, the movie shouldn't have been made period seeing as Ralph Macchio (Daniel-San) was pushing 30. The sorry fact is it was still watchable...but for the wrong reasons.

The plot is Daniel and Mr. Miyagi come back from Okinawa (where the 2nd movie took place) and have to re-locate due to the dilapidated hotel being sold. Danny forgoes college and uses his tuition money to help Mr Miyagi open a store to sell Bonsai Trees.

Now think about that for a second, the kid (in name only) just gave away his future to help an old man with a store sell something maybe 10 people out of every 100 want.

Meanwhile evil dojo owner John Kreese (played by Martin Klove) is down on his luck, avoiding bill collectors after his students ditch him after his outburst in the second movie. He plans to retire but his old Vietnam War buddy Terry Silver talks him out of it. Terry convinces Kreese to go on vacation while he plans revenge against Danial and Miyagi. He enlists the help of renegade karate kid Mike Barnes (Sean Kanan) to pester Daniel into defending his under-18 title.

The funniest thing is that the actor who played Silver, Thomas Ian Griffith, was 27 at the time making him a year YOUNGER than Ralph Macchio. Its just hilarious knowing this fact to see Thomas bully Ralph around like he's a little boy. Sean Kanan was supposed to be playing a 17 year old and he was 23 himself. In fact, only Robyn Lively who played Jessica Andrews was the age she was supposed to be, 17. John Kreese and Terry Silver were supposed to be Nam buddies, now with Martin Klove at 45, I could believe him but with T.I.G. only 27, I found it really hard to believe HE was in nam. Its unintentional comedy at its best, you got T.I.G. playing a character who he's too young to be and Ralph Macchio playing a character he's way too old for.

Now here's where the ingenious plan takes place. Silver's plan is to befriend Daniel into turning against Miyagi and being put into position to be swerved and humiliated by the Cobra-Kai. This is actually a very brilliant idea since Daniel is (in the storyline anyway) getting a little old to be hanging around Mr. Miyagi so in his mind its time for a change. I won't bore you with the rest of the plot because you've either seen it anyway or need to see it to appreciate, but I have one very large complaint....the ending.

The first 2 movies had rather unfufilling endings, but while Part 2 pretty much filled us in on the events after Part 1....part 2 was pretty much forgotten. This one however takes the cake. Daniel is able to defeat Barnes and win the tournament, which is all fine and dandy but the movie ends with him hugging Mr Miyagi. What happens with Cobra-Kai, what about Jessica, with Terry Silver? Ralph Macchio was pushing 30 so there was no way a 4th movie could be made (with him as the lead character) so why have an ending where NOTHING is settled? Imagine you're watching in a theater, Terry Silver does all these devious antics to humiliate Daniel and Miyagi and all that happens is Mike Barnes loses the fight.....so we are to assume Terry just goes back to his normal job and Kreese re-forms Cobra-Kai with Barnes? The ending left a bad taste in my mouth and if it wasn't for T.I.G. the movie would have been a washout.

The highlight of the movie is where Mr. Miyagi beats up Barnes, Kreese and Silver single-handedly and they still taunt him 25 seconds later as he walks away with Daniel.

I give it 4 out of 10 because Pat Morita and T.I.G. deliver the goods

Isle of the Snake People (1971)

You need to smoke a heavy bowl to understand this one

[3/10 · 28 February 2008]

We start the movie off with a midget pimp in a top hat and coattails digging a hole while laughing maniacally....that was about the only good thing about the whole movie for I watched this sober and nearly fell asleep.

On an island dominated by Mexican voodoo practitioners, the local police is stumped to a recent rash of rituals and bodies showing up.

I'd love to go into detail but the idea is making my head very dizzy. Its titled Snake People but its really a weird zombie movie more than anything. It really makes no sense at all, better off watching it high or something

The highlight of the movie is the midget, haha always are funny

3 out of 10

The Ghost (1963)

Slow, boring but a classic tale

[4/10 · 28 February 2008]

I can accept 1960's horror movies are nowhere near as scary as the ones from the 1980's but this looks more like a long episode of Tales From The Crypt than a horror movie.

The evil Dr. Hitchcock is now confined to a wheelchair, if you saw the first movie you'd understand why. Anyway, Cynthia Hitchcock and Charles plot to kill old Hitchcock himself and when they do, his ghost supposedly haunts them.

First, the whole plot is straight from the 50's but its definitely worth a look. The movie moves progressively slow, almost boring at times but its definitely has its moments. I will say the plot twist at the end was a nice touch but still everyone will be asleep before they see it

I'm not going to sit her and BS everyone, its old and anyone my age will probably fall asleep watching it but if you're willing to take a look, the highlight of the movie is Cynthia gets ticked off the wolf is too loud so Charles shoots it.

4 out of 10

Scared to Death (1946)

Not really scary, just confusing

[5/10 · 24 February 2008]

I can understand 60 year old movies not being scary by todays standards, but this really isn't a horror movie as it is one of those kooky detective stories.

The plot is, a woman going through mental problems is being stalked by a ghost....or something. All I know is it seems everyone in the movie from Bela Lugosi, to the maid and to the midget was trying to do her in. The only 2 on her side was the reporter dude and the dumb detective.

First of all, the movie was supposed to establish the main character telling the story after she dies, but half the scenes have her not even in the picture so how could that be a "recap" of what she personally saw? Also, the very end was supposed to establish she left her first husband in the hands of nazi's but his spirit inhabited a scarf, um...yeah. Its hard to follow the plot because the characters range from weird to dumb and no one drops dead even though someone attacks the doctor twice. Bela Lugosi can't even save this one no matter how brilliant he portrayed his character.

The highlight of the movie was Indigo the midget. Yes, we even got midgets in this one. Like I said earlier, its more or less one of those old detective stories with a horror twist and if into that then check it out.

5 out of 10

The Big Boss (1971)

The debut of a legend

[7/10 · 24 February 2008]

As the years go by and more martial arts movies are made, we really begin to overlook how great and innovative Bruce Lee was. Not only the action sequences but the cheorgraphy and training themselves. Unlike todays world, Bruce Lee looked just as good at 34 as he did when he was 24.

The plot to this one is Bruce Lee comes straight off the boat to be with his cousins, they get him a job at the ice factory they all work at and all is well until some of the co-workers discover the whole operation is a drug smuggling ring. After the head honcho has the co-workers murdered, Bruce Lee and his run-in buddy from Game of Death have to save the day and end the drug ring.

The thing I liked the most was how Bruce didn't throw a single punch or kick for the first FORTY FIVE minutes of the movie, lemme tell ya why. The film had other guys show off their skills and then lets Bruce do his thing which happens to be ten times BETTER than what we've seen already. It was awesome buildup and it delivered beautifully.

The only negatives aren't really negatives. First is the entire film is dubbed in English, which deprives us of Bruce's trademark yell but it does make for funny dialogue. Also, what was with Bruce Lee being able to hop 12 foot chain leak fences in a single bound and being able to out manuver 5 dogs no sweat? Thats about all there is to crow about, the rest was spectacular and a good revenge story. Definitely worth the price and martial arts display.

The highlight of the movie is the final fight with Big Boss. Too many movies have the final fight being completely one sided in favor of the hero, but this one at least shows Bruce in trouble at times. The mark of a great movie villain is to put the hero in danger so it was nice to see Big Boss get some shots in.

7 out of 10

Juno (2007)

Surprisingly good

[6/10 · 22 February 2008]

Life isn't always perfect and this movie symbolizes this sentence very well.

Ellen Page plays Juno, a weird high school girl full of sarcasm who realizes she's pregnant one day. Her b/f is a complete tool and she's obviously not fit for motherhood so she enlists a married couple (Jennifer Garner not holding a gun, wtf?? lol) to raise the child once it is born.

I have friends who have been pregnant before and they say most of the pregnancy situations in the movie were as they should be such as the tri-mesters, the bodily functions and especially the raging hormones though at severe as in 40 Year Old Virgin. I liked the sarcastic nature of the movie and it depicts how not everything is perfect in life. I liked how near the end Vannessa's (Jennifer Garner)husband takes off and she appears to raise the child on her own. In a cheesy movie, he'd make a comeback saying something like he's sorry and we all live happily ever after, but in the real world that wouldn't happen, hence the ending we were left with.

The only negative I have are how she was very mobile when close to berth, I have friends who say there was no way she could have reached in the back of her minivan the way she did in real life. Other than that all is well. Its sort of a chick flick but if you're an aspiring parent and appreciative of sarcastic humor then this movie is for you. The only other negative is the soundtrack makes me want to vomit up my intestines, but other than that check it out

The highlight of the movie is when Jennifer Garner asks if Juno if her parents care where she is and she answers "I'm already pregnant so there's not much more shenanigans I can get into.

Not exactly a family comedy but good sarcastic humor and a great life lesson, its not perfect.

6 out of 10

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

Oops!

[3/10 · 20 February 2008]

Friday the 13th part 5 Too many sequels can be a bad thing and this one hit rock bottom on so many levels. Since Jason was "killed" in part 4 some brainiac decided that they should make another sequel but this time the killer would not be Jason (cue the record needle scratching). Yessire bob, a Friday the 13th movie without Jason in it, just imagine how well that went.

The story is Tommy Jarvis (no longer played by Corey Feldman although he does appear in the movie) never recovered mentally after killing Jason so he's sent to a funny farm getaway with complete morons nowhere near Crystal Lake. Not only is Jason not in the movie, it doesn't even begin, end or have any location in Crystal Lake either. The cast of mental patients were so redundant and so stupid I couldn't wait for whoever the killer was to wipe them out and any other clowns to appear in the movie. As Tommy begins to get settled in his new home and making friends with the token black guy, the plot thickens (or is it sickens?). One of the happy home patients named Vic isn't happy at all and he hacks a fat special needs kid to death with an axe. The orderlies show up to take the carcass away and one of them almost throws up upon witnessing the sight. Later on that night Jason appears and thus the horror begins....and I proceed to almost throw up myself.

This movie has more holes in it than a piece of cheese in Killer Rats. First off, Tommy Jarvis went from being 11 years old to 21 between part 4 and 5 (Corey Feldman does make a cameo in the opening scene which turned out to be just a dream) nevermind the fact it couldn't have been but a year or two after the last movie. Technically this means the movie is set in 1995 instead of 1985 because in the story lines part 2 took place 5 years after part one, which was 1980. Movies 2, 3 and 4 all were around the same week or so, so we are to believe its 1985 when Tommy hacked up Jason at the end of part 4. Now Tommy looks to be 10 years older so logically this is supposed to be 1995 yet the ambulances look out of the 70's.

So now we're in 1995 and Jason appears and proceeds to kill off the funny farm residents, the people who work there and any other idiot who passes through in the movie. To anyone who has seen this movie, was there really a point to that drifter wearing the wifebeater being in the film? Tommy then teams up with the one nurse and the token black kid named Reggie the Reckless (who is easily freaked out by just about everything) to kill Jason.....only we found out its not Jason. Turns out "Jason" was actually the orderly that almost threw up upon seeing the fat guy dead, the reason being he was his father. This is where the whole movie became stupid instantly. How can this normal human being mimic not only Jason's stealth (one minute this girl with insanely huge breasts closes her eyes and then she opens them and the Orderly/Jason is there) but his damage intake as well? The whole "Its not Jason" plot twist thus renderred the whole entire movie worthless and a waste of time to any Jason fan. I can't even give props to the kills because it wasn't Jason doing them nor could anyone else have managed the kind of stealth or strength to pull them off. The characters were stupid, the plot was dumb and the ending made the whole movie pointless, avoid it like the plague.

The 2 highlights in the movie is when Tommy hits an angleslam through a table on one of the funny farm inmates and later on he beats the living crap out of crazy lady's special needs son. Unfortunately these 2 scenes are not enough to save the movie from being full of horse manure.

3 out of 10

Attack Force (2006 Video)

A poor attempt at a horror movie

[2/10 · 20 February 2008]

I think its time for Seagal to go quietly into the night. What I have just seen makes all his direct to video releases in the last few years look like his early 90's smash hits in comparison.

A secret bio lab is making a new kind of drug that jacks up a human's adrenaline system to the point where they become psychopathic killers or something. Somehow Seagal is supposed to stop the infection or its the end of the world...or something. Seagal also went through hit squads like jellybeans, every time I look up he was commanding a new face so it kinda got hard to follow character development as well I know Steven's athsma prevent him from yelling at the top of his lungs but even so why is he constantly being dubbed by people who sound nothing like him? Usually the films plot and action sequences can save it from being a total waste of time but this was not even close. Like I said, it was more of a horror movie with a lot of blood and shank stabbing rather than straight up fighting. The problem was it wasn't really scary and Seagal looked completely out of place because the infected people were supposed to have speed of light movement yet the 40 year old 280 lb Seagal killed them all singlehandedly? I guess the lone highlight of the movie was the first 20 minutes where the new recruits ask Seagal to come to the strip club with them.

2 out of 10

Submerged (2005 Video)

Not that bad

[6/10 · 18 February 2008]

I can accept DTV movies for what they are, low budget with a plot full of holes. But what saves this one was the supporting cast rather than the overall effort by Seagal.

A no goodnik militant named Hilan is working with an evil doctor (played brilliantly by Nick Brimble) to come up with a mind control device. After its completed they use their device to assassinate a US ambassador and its up to Seagal and his troops to save the day. Thats where it comes down to the supporting cast, Vinnie Jones is the man in his role, Nick Brimble played his role even better. Hell Raicho Vasilev....a veteran stunt man makes a vanity appearance as one of Seagal's troops. Hell even William Hope from Aliens is in this one. Add in a bunch of unknowns and its really not that bad.

You can overlook the plot holes such as since when is Uruguay armed with terrorists up the wazoo? The movie appeared to be about Seagal trapped on a sub, but he was only on it for about 15 minutes or so, talk about false advertising. Didn't know you can simply walk on to an opera stage and not get attacked by security either. Again, all this can be overlooked if you're a fan of the Seagal movies to begin with, but the cast is what keeps it watchable. If you don't like the plot, at least stick around to see what Vinnie Jones says or does next.

The highlight of the movie is when Henry absolutely beats the crap out of Plowand, very brutal.

6 out of 10

Into the Sun (2005)

Chinese and Japanese mafias with Eddie George?

[4/10 · 3 February 2008]

Steven Seagal plays yet another ex-CIA agent and this time he's got Tennessee Titans running back Eddie George with him......for about 5 minutes.

In this one, the Japanese Yakuza plans to unite with the Chinese Triad and its up to Seagal to stop them. Sounds simple but it turns out to be very convoluted. First off they credit Eddie George as one of the stars of the movie and they kill him off before the opening credits...wtf? Its always nice to see William Atherton play the jackass because he does it so well. The movie rolls along and as usual Seagal mows everyone over with little resistance along with a female counterpart to save the day.......yawn.

Every Seagal movie is the same these days, an ex-CIA agent that goes after an entire mob of ppl and methodically takes them out with little resistance and ends up saving the day. This time though, its the cultural difference thats confusing. At one point during the flick a bunch of punks gather round to attack Seagal, he points out that half are Chinese and the other are Japanese and 10 years ago that would have never happened. Now to us Americans, if you told us someone was Chinese but was really Japanese how the hell would we know the difference? So we're supposed to watch this and be able to point out who's Triad and who's Yakuza? I know the director/writer is supposed to establish an alliance but when the orginizations hate each other how are we supposed to know? Its a cookie cutter movie where Seagal beats up everyone with little trouble but the cultural impact is the river card to the other movies. in Out For A Kill he was against a Triad, simple enough. This time he's got two cultures to deal with and the storyline gets confusing, but by no means is it that bad of a movie. Another thing is Shawn gets killed and Seagal doesn't comment on it until the very end of the movie If you're a fan of the cultures then its worth the 5 bucks to see it, but if not then go see something else. The highlight of the movie is where Sensei asks which Kendo school Shawn went to and he answers UCLA.

4 out of 10

Out of Reach (2004 Video)

Philip Tatagglia and sound dubbers beware

[4/10 · 2 February 2008]

I picked this up for 5 dollars and let me say this one was much more hard hitting than his other straight to video releases (Out For A Kill, The Foreigner, etc). Seagal may be releasing cookie cutter flicks but this seemed to be different from the pack, in a good way.

Steven Seagal is William Lansing...an ex-CIA agent (like in every other STV movie the last 6 years) who takes care of animals and sponsors an orphanage, setting himself up as the all-American good guy. He makes best friends with one of the children named Irena (Ida Nowakowska) and all seems well until we find out what's really going on. The orphanage is actually a front for a brutal pimp named Faisal (Matt Schulze) that kidnaps the teenage girls and does what any pimp does, prostitutes them. One girl tries to escape and is murdered by Faisal, which prompts Seagal to seek revengeeeeee!!! The idea of human trafficking in Poland is something not every American can watch because it does kind of hit home with any mother, father, brother or sister of someone involved in prostituion. Even when Seagal beats the living crap out of everyone and kills them, it is a shocking way to promote movies. There is something that is predominant throughout the whole movie and that SOMEONE IS OVERDUBBING SEAGAL'S VOICE. That's right, in a lot of scenes someone else is very clearly overdubbing Seagal on the soundcheck and since he's so distinctive you can clearly tell when its him and when its not. Was he suffering from laryngitis during the production or did he outright refuse to do looping? Anyway the plot thickens and Seagal is on a wild goose chase to bring the pimp and his mob cronies down and save the day. All good in theory but the problem is, the idea of him blowing through everyone 20 years after doing the exact same thing in every other one of his movies just gets boring. He's been playing the same kind of character for years now and you would think as he gets older someone would be allowed to give him trouble. Seriously, ever since Exit Wounds (or even any movie prior) name one character in a Seagal movie that looked to have been able to beat him in a fight? Jean Claude Van Damme had trouble with Bolo Yeung and Dolph Lundgren and ol Dolph got in a hell of a war in Joshua Tree....yet I can't think of one movie where Seagal ran into someone that could defeat him.

Unlike The Foreigner and its sequels, the plot of the movie is believable and easy to follow. Unlike Out For a Kill, the idea of him being able to stop the villains is believable as well so there's really not much to complain about. Its a good way to kill 85 minutes if you're into cheap STV movies and its also funny to see a little kid play the role of the sidekick along with the usual blonde. In fact that is the highlight of the movie, the little kid downing a few nip bottles of vodka before Seagal catches him.

4 out of 10 (not too much to complain about but still its a STV for a reason)

Scared (2002)

What a waste

[1/10 · 31 January 2008]

You know there was a movie about filmmakers getting hacked one by one, it was called Cut and it came out 8 years ago. This movie is not only a ripoff but its an abomination the likes of which should never be seen by a normal human being. I'll try to explain this one A group of morons are making a slasher movie called Death Blade, during which they run out of money. Desperate to finish someone really gets killed on the set so they're forced to recast the lead role which leads to more murder and mayhem as the new actress must stay alive. There are so many, MANY things wrong with the movie I even have to question not only why I'm reviewing this but why I watched it in the first place. The first thing wrong was that during the opening scene the actress was "stabbed for real" and "died". EVERYONE SAW HER GET STABBED!!!! Why didn't anyone go after the guy who stabbed her? It doesn't make any sense but then again nothing make sense. Scenes come and go with no continuity, characters annoy the living horse manure out of everyone and worst of all there's no T and A. Seriously, what's a horror movie without eye candy or even the possibility of it? One scene Heather goes into the bathroom where the killer is, she runs into it then runs out of the room. A moment later Samantha walks out of the bathroom (spoiler: she's not the killer) like nothing happened, what the hell? The whole plot twist at the end is explained but even then its really really stupid. I mean lets say (spoilers) Nick and Hamlin killed everyone, then they have no movie so logically what the hell were they supposed to do next? The whole damn movie was a poor attempt at a horror movie and even the dialogue makes me want to vomit up my intestines. The actors and actresses come off as so lame you can't really get behind them and the one scene with the camcorder makes me wonder if they were trying to do two movies in one like Legion of the Dead. Another part is they are shooting a scene and Samantha spots the killer killing the producer, and when she gets up there no one finds a thing. Another crem de la crap is the detective that solves nothing, stops no murders and is non existent in the overall last stand.

I can go on and on and on but there really is no use, if you've read this far you';d know the kind of crapola we're dealing with here. In terms of watchability it reaches S.I.C.K. like levels of stupidity but the river card is S.I.C.K. had nudity/T and A and this disasterpiece doesn't. Its got ditzy blondes and hot looking women but the directors/writers do absolutely nothing with them other than make them act stupid. OK, I'm done with this crap...its giving me a headache just thinking about what I have just seen.

The one lone highlight of the movie is you see the killer dragging away a dead body then Samantha and Heather walk in as Heather says "Wasn't the costume director supposed to meet us here?" HA....ha....ha.. shoot me now 1 out of 10

Deathbed (2002 Video)

A possessed bed?

[4/10 · 28 January 2008]

Where do I begin, its one of the most frustrating movies I've seen because it makes a lot of sense in terms of the point but it comes off as seriously stupid. A movie about a ghost inhabited bed?? The first 2 minutes of the movie shows a black and white flashback of a weird looking fat dude going dominatrix on a Fabienne from Pulp Fiction lookalike contest winner and strangles her with his tie. This is supposed to set up how the bed factors into the story. Still though, if you wanted an opening to keep people interested or send them away early, having a strangulation is the way to do it. Fast forward to the present day, a married couple moves into an apartment with a friendly landlord and begins unpacking their things, so far everything's normal. Then one night while doing the hippity dippity on a single mattress, they realize they need a bed frame. This is where things get fishy, why didn't they bring or buy a g*d damn bed frame before they got there? We learn that the door leading to the attic where the first 2 minutes took place doesn't open but then once the couple realizes they need a bed frame, the door magically opens. They go up to the attic and discover the old bed frame and decide to bring it downstairs and their lovemaking days are saved...or so they thought. The rest of the movie centers around the both of them being haunted by the bedframe. The female is an artist so she starts drawing up the ghoulish images she dreams about and the male is a photographer so he starts having his models act as if they're bring tortured or tied up.(one of which has gray hair and appears over 50 years old, yuck) The female grows increasingly scared and she discovers the house she lives in was once a haven for serial killings and murders which bring about the end to the movie. They find the friendly landlord murdered (which makes no sense since ghosts need to take a human form to kill) and decide to get the hell out of dodge. While packing up, the husband moronically goes up into the attic where he is possessed by the crazy fat dude and the female bashes his skull in before the cops show up and take her to a mental ward where she kills some dude trying to hit on her.

Well if you've read this far you have to be thinking one thing.......WHY THE HELL DIDN'T THEY JUST THROW THE BEDFRAME OUT THE WINDOW???? Seriously, they never said anything about the actual house being haunted, just the bed....so why not get rid of the damn thing and move on? That's why the movie is so frustrating because it actually is a good plot and the actors follow suit accordingly but there are more holes in it than Sonny Corleone at a toll booth. The couple did try to leave town as upposed to every other movie that has the ol "oh lets give this place a chance honey" scheme going, so props to that. Still though, me and my buddy who watched the movie kept saying every 5 minutes....why didn't they just throw the bed out? Especially once they learned it was haunted would have been a good time to set it on fire or something.

All in all its a near-watchable movie with plenty of porno like bed scenes and a believable plot (to an extent) but the solution is so simple you're scratching your head by the end of the movie wondering how stupid can the married couple be? The highlight of the movie is when the husband tells the 50 year old model to spread her legs and his assistant tells him that he can't shoot her like that.

4 out of 10 (a low budget porno The Man Show would love)

Evil Dead II (1987)

groovy

[7/10 · 28 January 2008]

After the underground success the original Evil Dead had, 6 years later Hollywood decided to make a sequel. By this point Bruce Campbell was in his mid to late 20's so playing the college kid was a little far-fetched so they altered the plot a bit, basically rendering the original movie as useless. Seriously, if you watch the whole series one after the other, its like the first movie never happened.

The story is Ash and his girlfriend go on a romantic getaway in a secluded cabin among the woods somewhere in Michigan, sound familiar? Ash then finds a tape of some doctor who used the house for research on a mysterious evil book known as the Necronomicon. Professor Knowby somehow translated the book and with the help of a huge 1980's tape recorder begins reciting passages from it. The passages he recites resurrect the deadites (the demons of the Necronomicon) and then WHAM all hell breaks loose, literally. Ash is forced to kill his possessed girlfriend, cut off his own hand and fight a tree...yes you read that right. Meanwhile while all this is going on, Professor Knowby's daughter and her boyfriend make their way to the cabin to find ol Knowby himself and run into a redneck couple along the way. All things come together where the handless Ash must join up with the crew to stop the Evil Dead once and for all.

I won't give away the rest because its too good to give it away so you'll just have to watch it yourself. Again the special effects were the star of the show but this time its kicked up a notch thanks to it being a better funded film than the first one. What made Evil Dead 2 a little better than the original was the original one was 100 % serious while the sequel was more of a horror/comedy with a few scenes that make you laugh including a Hulk Hogan style hulk-up before the final fight and of course the transformation. In the first movie Ash was this wussy guy caught in the middle of something strange but in this movie he transforms into a chainsaw welding, shotgun carrying superhero. He somehow manages to hook a chainsaw to where he cut off his hand (nevermind the fact he didn't bleed to death nor suffer gangrene) and carry around an old sawed-off shotgun......groovy.

Discount anything you've seen in the first movie if you want to enjoy the sequel, otherwise you'll be scratching your head wondering what's going on. Otherwise kick back with popcorn and enjoy the show. The highlight of the movie is the laughing scene where every inanimate object in the room begins to laugh and then Ash joins in the fun, priceless comedy.

7 out of 10

The Evil Dead (1981)

Original

[6/10 · 28 January 2008]

While this movie was never in the running for an academy award, it has touched two generations of fans now in the last 26 years. It was made by college kids as nothing more than a b-movie but it turned out to be one of the most original and gruesome movies in the last quarter century.

Evil Dead is a tale about 5 college kids taking a vacation in a secluded cabin among the woods somewhere in Michigan. During their stay they stumble upon the centuries old Necronomicon, the book of the dead. (Not to be confused with the book of the dead from The Mummy) After stupidly reading from the book, the ancient evil the book possessed comes to life and begins attacking the 5 kids (including one scene where a woman is raped by a tree, yes you read that right) until they are either killed or posssessed. One by one they are dispatched by the one remaining survivor named Ash (Bruce Campbell) and by daylight the evil is gone....or so we thought.

This movie took the possession concept from The Exorcist to a brand new level. This was supposed to be a b-movie orchestrated by college kids yet the special effects are AWESOME for 1981 and non-Hollywood standards. If you see this movie and not the next 2 in the series, its quite amusing to see Ash play the role of the wussy as upposed to the hero he'd become. If you look at the movie from the perspective of it was a low budget flick run by unknown actors, actresses, directors, etc you can truly appreciate its lasting effects on the world and the sequels spawned from it.

The highlight of the movie is the end when Ash throws the Necronomicon into the fire and the remaining deadites (names for the possessed) melt, that's tremendous special effect work if I may say so. Definitely watchable 6 out of 10

Hard to Kill (1990)

Easy to watch

[6/10 · 28 January 2008]

As if Above the Law didn't give us enough crooked cops, this movie takes the cake.

Mason Storm (Seagal) is your all American good guy cop who while during a surveillance operation, stumbles upon crooked politician Trent (William Saddler) making a deal with the mob in order to stay in office. He then phones in his results but unknowingly to him the entire operation is being funded by Trent. After going home to do some nice nice with his old lady, a team of crooked cops sneak into his house and kills his wife before putting Storm in the ER. While in the ER a doctor tells everyone Storm is dead and after all the crooked cops leave another doc runs in and tells the one straight cop (Captain O'Malley) that Storm is alive....ALIVE I TELL YA!! Unfortunately the severity of the injuries puts Storm in a coma for 7 years and by the time he wakes up, Trent is now a US Senator and all the guys involved with his "death" are working for him. This is where Seagal along with British actress Kelly LeBrock take on the crew and bring justice to everyone, along with finding his son who actually survived that night and ran away to Captain O'Malley's house.

In terms of story lines, this had to be one of the most easy plot lines to follow, which is a good thing. Seagal, his son, the nurse and Captain O'Malley are the faces and everyone else are heels...got it? Good. The only thing I found fishy was throughout the whole movie Seagal is fighting and killing COPS. The one shootout at the ranch there had to have been 10-15 officers shot by Seagal and there were another 10 shooting at him while he made his getaway, you mean to tell me there are over 20 crooked cops on Trent's payroll? I can understand the main crew of 5-6 that Seagal methodically stalks near the end but what's with the other 20 guys? No wonder gang violence rose during the 90's when you have crooked cronies like this in reality. Other than that everything runs smoothly with no unnessicary plot twists, heel turns, face turns and anything else we've seen in The Foreigner or Above the Law.

Again, if you're looking for a Citizen Kane like script...you're a moron but if you're looking for 2 hours to kill and an easy plot line to follow this one's for you. Seagal is what he is, and if that's your cup of tea I suggest this one because he's in his prime then and the fight scenes are believable, as upposed to where he tries to beat up DMX in Exit Wounds. The highlight of this movie is where he kills the guy who killed his wife and says "You killed my wife, phuck you and die!" 6 out of 10

Bloodsport (1988)

Junbi......Haji....HAJIME!!!

[7/10 · 20 January 2008]

As the years go by and the world is more subjected to MMA, UFC and K-1 events in the mainstream, the one that started it all had to have been Bloodsport. Think about it, did anyone give a damn about K-1, MMA or anything like that in the early 1980's? Out comes this movie and 20 years later kickboxing has become more popular than regular boxing and wrestling.

Based on true events, Bloodsport centers around a secret underground kickboxing tournement called the Kumite (pronounced Koo-Mitt-Tay) that has been around for thousands of years. Jean Claude Van Damme plays Frank Dux (as in put up your dukes), an American of French decent who stumbles upon an old Chinese martial arts teacher who teaches him the way of the warrior so to speak. Many years later the teacher is near death and Frank pledges to win the Kumite in his honor. Standing in his way is Chong Li (Bolo Yeung) , the current champion along with Helmer and Rawlins (Forrest Whitaker), two American agents assigned to bring Dux back to the US unharmed since its revealed Dux is a captain in the US military and wasn't supposed to be in this thing.

I say the actual Kumite scenes were done well in terms of the actual fighting but the transition and timing was downright awful. In one scene Chong Li snaps Suan Parades (Tong Po from Kickboxer) leg and then the next scene shows Dux fighting someone else with Parades sitting in the stands unharmed. I think the Parades/Chong fight was supposed to be one of the last but it fit better in the music montage so they jumped the gun with it. Later on the big sumo Pumala is visbily shown sitting behind Jackson and Lin, and while he's fighting Dux and Monkey Man you can clearly see him sitting in the same spot while he's supposed to be on the runway. Also, Dux and Chong Li looked to have fought about 10 guys between them in the first 2 days of the tournement yet Ray Jackson (Donald Gibb) fights twice on the first day yet makes it to the last fight of the second day? One last thing, Dux beat his guy in 12 seconds to set the world record and later on I timed a fight where Chong Li beat a black guy in 6 seconds....wouldn't that mean he got his record back? The good news is the actual fighting and different styles more than made up for the clumsy editing and the story lines/sub plot fit well with the overall point. Donald Gibb was hilarious in his role, and its always nice to see Tong Po with hair. Bolo Yeung looks younger than Van Damme and was a short time away from his 50th birthday during the course of filming, I didn't even believe it until I checked the bio....hell he's pushing 75 now and I bet he could make a comeback in one more flick.

I don't want to give away too much but if you want full contact bloodshed and Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds throwing people around one more time, this is the movie for you. Yes there is a love plot between Van Damme and Leah Ayers and if thats not your thing hit the fast forward button, otherwise sit back with your gi and enjoy the movie. The highlight of the movie is Ricardo Morria aka The Monkey Man, you'll know what I mean once you see the movie.

7 out of 10 (3 points off for the bad editing)