cromwell_316 Reviews

Insectula! (2015)

Plan 9 and Birdemic rolled into one

[1/10 · 26 April 2015]

Okay, so I can only assume that the previous review was done by someone who was more than a friend or else they confused Insectula with a real movie.

The movie (loosely using that word) is what you get when someone has an old camera lying around and thinks what a good idea it would be to make up a script to surround themselves with some nice looking girls who have been fooled into believing they will see their name in lights.

Appalling acting, sound, camera work, effects, script, lighting, and did I mention acting and sound.

Now I like terrible movies, no matter how absurd the concept, but this stretches the limits, Plan 9 was bad, Birdemic a master class in how not to make a movie, but to their credit they knew that and were the perfect accompaniment to go with booze (and anything else) for a night in to have a laugh. Insectula will ensure you never have friends around again.

Ass Backwards (2013)

Even bogus reviews won't save it.

[1/10 · 10 January 2014]

One of the few times I bothered to read reviews on a movie (loose term in this case) before I watched it, and how I regret it. As funny as having a tooth pulled, but I would like to say hello to the cast or crew members who came on here to write glowing reviews.

Sadly anyone who was not involved would disagree, while not as bad as Birdemic (One or Two) it's still bland, banal and unfunny, sadly I can't get the hour and twenty I wasted wondering if it actually gets better.

May I respectfully suggest, with the nice scenery, equipment, cast and crew available for this, next time put a little more effort into picking a good script.

Scary Movie V (2013)

Sharknado, without the Sharks or nados

[31 July 2013]

Take a group of bored actors with nothing in the works, mix in a large number of crew meandering around the Hollywood Hills looking for work, add a 120 pages of random meaningless dialogue (found in a discarded waste bucket next to a photocopier) finally stir it all up and hang around studio parking lots or known eateries of studio big wigs and financiers, ply them with drink and voilà you have this.

A complete waste of time, dull, predictable and as funny as the toothache that kept me up and out watching it (a wisdom tooth), in their defence we (and those behind them) know Sharknado, Megashark etc. are always going to be laughable, the only laughable part of this was how someone, somewhere managed to get it made.

For 1/100,000th of the cost of this the guys behind Birdemic could have bought a second mic that worked and a pair of decent headphones and almost, just almost not have been above this as the worst movie I have seen this year.

Birdemic 2: The Resurrection (2013)

Did I dream this?

[1/10 · 18 May 2013]

The only saving grace for this alleged movie, would have been seeing the LAPD or SWAT turning up when they are all running around shooting. As I don't believe there is yet a law for imprisoning people for crimes against art, I would like to hope that no-one involved in this is ever hired to work on a movie again, not even to fetch coffee.

From the wooden acting, terrible audio (buy a muffler guys) to the continuity errors, not to mention the childlike CGI, this cringe-worthy production had it all, I have to ask did they even watch the completed version? Did it not occur to anyone involved to look at editing the multitude of pauses between dialogue.

I hear people say this follow up was homage to how bad the first Birdemic was, but no I disagree, no-one could make anything as bad as this by design, I do hope those who bankrolled this abomination take time to read the reviews and ask just what the money was spent on, as restitution everyone involved would be better finding a different profession and funding a scholarship for a film student or purchasing film equipment for a local community media group.

I enjoy B-Movies expecting them to be bad, but fun, however, this genuinely made me feel sick and sorry for anyone who spent any money on supporting it being made.

Mental (2012)

Enjoyable

[8/10 · 8 February 2013]

Having just watched the abominable Jurassic Attack, and its appalling acting / effects / storyline I sought light relief in this movie. As with much of Aussie Humour some of it can seem crass and even bizarre (think Black Sheep), this was no different and turned out to be way better than some reviews would have you believe.

It is a very enjoyable, zany movie and the casting was very well done and they gelled perfectly it is difficult to pick out a best performance, the last movie I paid to watch was the Big Budget garbage 2012, and wanted to leave 10 minutes in feeling bad I paid to watch it, I would have left the theatre in a better mood if I had watched this instead.

Watch, enjoy and have a laugh, our crazy colonial cousins turned out a beaut :)