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Reviews
Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
Disney hated Star Wars so much they bought it to destroy it.
I really dont know where to begin with this chaotic final slice of Disney's disastrous efforts to complete the Star Wars Saga. The Force Awakens was weak, The Last Jedi was awful, but The Rise of Skywalker truly sticks a dirty big middle finger in the faces of the fans. Disney must have hated Star Wars so much they had to buy it so they could destroy it. I'm really not kidding when I say this either because having the Star Wars tag in front of the title meant Disney knew whatever pig swill they churned out was always going to make them a big fat profit. I genuinely believe they absolutely despise Star Wars, its lore, its creator and its fan base, this is the only possible reason they made this sequel trilogy with such utter contempt for everything that made Star Wars great.
The prequel trilogy was about Anakin Skywalker
The original trilogy was about Luke and Leia Skywalker
The sequel trilogy is about trying to destroy the first two trilogies.
From this day true fans will say that the Star Wars saga ended with Return of the Jedi.
Skyfall (2012)
Bond is back!
I'll jump straight to the point here. This has to be the best Bond movie since Connery shhhluurped his way through his last on screen vodka martini! The trademark 'pre-title' sequence is back in all its glory with a fantastic chase through Istanbul's Grand Bazaar, taking the audience on one of the films many white knuckle rides. This sequence closes into the opening credits backed by the powerful voice of Adele belting out the movie's theme song.
The storyline is about a stolen computer drive containing the names of NATO agents embedded in terrorist organisation's across the globe for which Bonds chief 'M', played again by Judi Dench, must take responsibility. Ultimately the story focuses on Dench's character as she becomes the target for revenge by a former agent, Silva(Javier Bardem)she abandoned to the Chinese some years ago.
The action rockets the movie through some fantastic scenes which are mostly played out on Bonds home territory, with some explosive action through the London streets and on the tube, and a fantastic shootout finale' in the Scottish Highlands which may leave a lump in your throat!
Daniel Craig's Bond has matured since his last outing yet still has moments where he is shaken and stirred a little more than his Martini, even though he seems to prefer lager straight out of the bottle these days. I've often thought that Connery's Bond was tough enough but with not enough emotional side and Timothy Dalton's Bond was sophisticated but far too sensitive, a mixture of the two could make the perfect James Bond, in Skyfall Daniel Craig come's closest there has ever been to that Bond!
Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
CAPTAIN America! made in England
I only went to see this US propaganda pantomime because I watched some of it being filmed in Liverpool England, and although watching it being made was a long drawn out and painful process I didn't realise watching the finished movie would be a far worse experience! Im really going to keep this short and to the point (which is what the films production team should have considered doing) The film starts slowly picks up about a third of the way through and then coughs and falls over! The action scenes are poor and not what you would expect if you have ever read the comic book, however the acting isn't bad but then quite a number of the cast are British playing Americans.
The whole thing would have been much better as a computer animated movie with plenty of tongue in cheek humour thrown in! If there is a sequel I hope they don't make it in Liverpool again as I could do without that dock road being closed for another two weeks as I have to drive home from work down there! also I would rather lose a limb than have to watch anymore of this tripe!
How Green Was My Valley (1941)
An epic deception!
I live in Liverpool, England, a 40 minute drive from the Welsh border. Over the years I have spent quite a lot of time exploring Wales and I still take my family there five or six times throughout the year. I think I've seen pretty much most of the picturesque beauty that Wales has to offer. As a child growing up in the 1970's I never really watched many films, even kids movies bored me. I much preferred to be out with my friends doing stuff and having my own real life adventures.
So it was not until recently that I saw this movie on TV. Having read the book at school I thought it would be nice to see how they had pieced this epic story together as a film.
Shock, horror, disbelief, are just a few of the words I could use to describe my confused feelings towards this film. Could this possibly be a movie based upon the same book that I read all those years ago? I called up the info text on my TV expecting to see Mel Brookes mentioned somewhere in the description, but no, it claimed to be the very same story I had read.
It was obvious to me that this movie was made by people who had never set foot in Wales, for people who were never likely to set foot there either! The mostly American actors were all speaking at best with some kind of soft Irish accent, and at worst what can only be described as some kind of pseudo Swedish dialect. Wales is NOT Ireland and Welsh people do NOT speak with an Irish accent, as well as their own language they have their own accent, its called Welsh!
Ford makes a lot of effort trying to make the movie NOT look like a western, yet while watching I kept getting the impression that the whole Sioux nation was about to chase John Wayne over the hills in the background before they all promptly fall into the mine!
I am sorry if my review has offended any of the Americans who love this movie, I know you have probably grown up with it and every time its on TV it takes you to your happy place, which I am sure is very nice and comfy, but for people who have read the book and know Wales inside out it gives us the same feeling that I can imagine Americans would have if they were to watch remakes of 'The Waltons' filmed in South Africa with a Canadian cast all speaking with Australian accents!
Its strange to think that Fox lied, even back then!
I have scored this film with 3 stars because of its awful transition from book to film, but if I had never read the book or even heard of a place called Wales I would have given it 7 stars for its blind entertainment value.
Put that remote down and go to the library. You'll find it quite an experience!
The Wolfman (2010)
Almost C' movie style remake of a classic horror
As a kid I used to stay up late on Saturday nights to watch the horror double bill on BBC2, for me it was the highlite of the week. Out of all the monsters, creatures, and villains that appeared throughout the short season of Universal and Hammer movies every Autumn, the wolfman or werewolf was always the one that grabbed my attention most. He was a pitiful creature, not an evil monster but a good man pure in heart cursed to become a frenzied beast, out to fulfill its bloodlust under each full moon. I felt so sorry for this character, he always got the sympathy vote from me!
I didn't really know what to expect as this version is set in victorian times like "Curse of the Werewolf" with oliver Reed, although that movie was set in Spain this one was set in England unlike the original "Wolfman" with Lon Chaney which was set in darkest Wales. Why they decided to change the location baffles me as does the primary synopsis of the movie...
"Upon his return to his ancestral homeland, an American man (Del Toro) is bitten, and subsequently cursed by, a werewolf"
OK... this character is born and raised in England, has a traumatic experience, gets sent to live with his Aunt in America for a few years and eventually returns home. How does this make him an American? In the movie Del Torro does look a bit chubby, assuming this is a requirement of American citizenship I will leave it at that.
The original film was a "classic B' movie" and this remake is simply just a "B' movie" with its status not being raised any higher alphabetically and losing any claim to the "classic" label on the way.
From start to finish we are subjected to tense quiet moments throughout the movie at the end of which comes the obligatory shock noise or "bump in the night" aimed specifically to make you jump out of your seat, in fact they happen so frequently you expect them as soon as the volume drops, which defeats the object, however one of these moments did wake me up at one point!
The special effects range from good to fair, except for the cheesy head on view of the wolfman as he runs towards his victims which looks like its been taken from some yet to be released video game of the movie.
Anthony Hopkins is getting on in years now and really should consider buying that cottage in the country. Although he starts on a high his acting skills seem to deteriorate throughout the film, and range from BBC period drama, through soap opera, right down to supermarket commercial. No doubt they'll dust him down for a sequel in a couple of years time.
Hugo Weaving was the better cast member who actually looked like he didn't mind being on set that day! he has quite a funny scene in the local pub when he orders a "pint of bitter please" I wont relay it here as you need to see it first hand to enjoy it.
Benicio Del Torro was no doubt chosen for this movie as he resembles what can only be described as the "love child" of Lon Chaney and Oliver Reed! throughout the movie he does his best to appear sad eyed and begs the audience for sympathy, unfortunately he gets none! I couldn't have cared less what happened to this guy! the only thing pitiful about him was his portrayal of the central character. Im sure both Reed and Chaney were turning in their graves.
A great disappointment all round and they could have done so much with this story.
I have both Olly and Lon's movie's on DVD, and tonight I think I'll watch them back to back and reflect on the good old days of the classic horror.
Florence Nightingale (2008)
Terrible!
One of the worst costume drama's I've seen in years! The acting was terrible. the script was terrible, the screenplay was dull and the characters seem like they had been plucked out of the 21st century and thrown back in time! Laura Fraser was useless, good looking, but useless. She plays the strong modern woman type which is totally out of context for the time, and all the male characters are weak.
The only saving grace for this movie is the filming location of Croxteth Hall in Liverpool, which I used to visit quite frequently as a boy living in Liverpool,UK.
So... bad acting, bad script, and awful characters with poor delivery! anyone who loves true to life accurate historical films will be shocked and disgusted! anyone who has no clue or doesn't care about history, especially English history, may see it in a more entertaining light.
Americans will love it!
Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls (2008)
Oh dear Oh dear Oh dear
Just look at the poster for this movie and straight away you'll notice the resemblance to the Indiana Jones posters, and the resemblance doesn't stop there. This is a blatant attempt to cash in on the recent return of the superior film franchise. Its not the first time the adventures of Alan Quartermain have been used to scrape some of the profits off the top of the Spielberg movies. When the original films where released a remake of "King Solomans Mines" was rushed out shortly after with Richard Chamberlain hamming it up as Alan Qaurtermain.
Although I don't really like the Indiana Jones movies I think its in very bad taste to copy them in order to milk some of there profits. This movie was pushed out faster than a novice skydiver on his first jump. Slapped together in under 8 weeks, and you can tell! this is a poor effort at storytelling. Sets and cinematography are quite passable but the plot has more holes than a tea bag, therefore Im not even going to mention any of the story because what you don't know wont bother you as the kind of person who enjoys this rubbish are those with the intellectual capacity of a retarded goldfish.
I have given this film 1 star... as the IMDb wont allow me to give it none! Give this movie a wide birth at all costs!
Black Angel (1980)
I would buy this if it was released on DVD!
*THIS POST CONTAINS POSSIBLE SPOILERS*
I remember watching this short in the cinema supporting The Empire Strikes Back. Although a little fuzzy now after a quarter of a century, I seem to remember the main character, some kind of knight, had a horse called Richard, and was wearing a large heavy helmet which didn't do him much good when he fell into a stretch of water and couldn't get it off. Before he drowns he manages to free the helmet from his head and scrambles back onto dry land and thus go's off on some quest involving a girl. Ultimately he ends up fighting his evil nemesis and during the battle is returned to the water to drown wearing the same helmet. I think the film is trying to suggest the knight did drown but was hallucinating during the event, hence the quest.
I may be wrong so lets hope it appears on DVD sometime soon!
A Christmas Carol (1938)
Typical tacky US version of a classic British story
Hollywood not only demolishes world history in favour of its own version but started destroying classic literature pretty early on too. Here it takes the most loved Christmas story of all time and adds lots and lots of shallow American sentiment! ... I was going to go on and on about just how bad this film is but I don't think I'll bother as this movie just doesn't deserve any kind of publicity whatsoever, good or bad! if you want to see a truly classic rendering of this story then look no further than the best ever version available starring Alastair Sim. Made in 1951 on a much higher budget (and you can tell) the Sim version doesn't just rely on its bigger budget to please the audience but gives us quality performances from the entire cast and a far superior screenplay and cinematography. Don't bother with this amateur 1938 version, its bound to be floating around on some inferior cable station somewhere and when you see it you'll understand what Im talking about.
Dire!
The Possession of Joel Delaney (1972)
Dsigusting Scenes
What a pile of junk! I never thought I would be sickened by a movie, and I've seen some garbage in my time. The exorcist is supposed to be the king of the possession movies, shocking, frightening, disturbing, but even the exorcist with its gore and profanity doesn't stoop to paedophilia. I saw this movie on TV some years back and was totally disgusted with the scenes which show a 13 year old child forced to strip naked and dance!! this movie was surely intended for paedophiles and the sick scum that delight in the abuse of children. The makers of this filth should be imprisoned at least, and made to pay for their terrible crime against common decency! Shirley Mclain should be ashamed to have any connection with this film!
Avoid this filth at all costs!!!
Casino Royale (2006)
Fantastic!
This is the real deal, Ian Fleming can now rest in peace, his "James Bond" has finally come to life! With just one movie Daniel Craig takes Sean Connerys crown as the best Bond ever, and will catapult him from obscure British TV actor to massive Hollywood mega-star.
This movie is well scripted, brilliantly directed, beautifully shot, and professionally written. The action scenes leave you completely breathless, especially the chase around the building site, and with one or two unexpected frights during quieter scenes be careful not to choke on your hot dog!
Its a shame we can only give this movie 10 stars,
Simply awesome!
The Queen (2006)
An entertaining 90 minutes but don't forget the beers!
Helen Mirren makes every effort to look as miserable as possible playing Mrs W, but sometimes you just feel she is about to burst out laughing, especially during a crucial scene! James Cromwell, as the Duke of Edinburgh, follows her Majesty around like some demented corgi while trying to say as little as possible, and quite rightly so, as every time American actors try to sound English they usually sound like American actors trying to sound English, and the least said about Michael Sheen the better! I've noticed some of our American cousins who have watched this movie have taken it to heart, and as usual believe everything they see on the screen. No commercial movie ever made has ever portrayed the absolute truth, telling the truth doesn't make money, and this film is no exception. Its about as far removed from reality as most other Hollywood money spinners.
I'm British born and bred, and I grew up following the lives of the royals as my parents found them amusing. The movie is quite funny and does entertain as long as your not stupid enough to place your faith in it! so have a few beers and enjoy it... but set your alarm clock just in case!
Cromwell (1970)
The truth about Cromwell?
This film is no less accurate then any other Hollywood movie about historic events especially British history. The movie does bend the truth somewhat, but doesn't completely smash the truth such as films like "Braveheart", "Bridge on the River Kwai", "The Longest Day", "Kingdom of Heaven", and the complete and utter joke that was "The Patriot"! in a scene at the very beginning Cromwell tells a friend that he is leaving England for the "New World" to make a fresh start, something which Cromwell most seriously never even considered! he was a very wealthy man and owned much land and property, prosperity at that time in England for the likes of a country squire such as Oliver Cromwell was far greater than that of a far off and primitive colony populated by savages! why make a fresh start when you are already rich and powerful? The problem is movie makers ARE changing history, as many idiots around the world believe what they see on the screen as they know no better.
However, this aside, Cromwell has great cinematography, fantastic sets and costumes and a great cast who enjoy getting they're hands dirty in they're respective roles.
Well worth a look ;)