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The Mummy (2017)
And a Very, Very Dark Universe it Will Be...
Well... how to begin? This was supposed to be the film that kicked off the new Universal Dark Universe... a remaking of the classic Universal monster movies. Hoo boy, what a terrible, terrible start.
The film doesn't even know what it wants to be: action movie, horror thriller, not well thought-out attempt to cash in on the summer blockbuster season... ugh.
I won't rehash the plot... simply because there really is none other than a mummy (well, a long- dead Egyptian queen), has arisen, and woefully miscast Tom Cruise has the thankless role to pretend to be interested in nothing that is happening in this mess. I'm not a very big Cruise fan, but even I had to sympathize with his attempt to take any of this nonsense seriously.
If Universal really wanted to reboot their original monster horror franchise, they really couldn't have started out worse. Remaking the classic Karloff horror film (also brilliantly redone by Hammer Studios in 1959, and at least made entertaining in the first reboot with Brendan Fraisier) by essentially making a Transformers film with a mummy instead of a morphing truck is a death-knell.
This does not bode well for future Universal remakes... especially since this film includes a ridiculous appearance by Dr. Jeckyll (Russel Crowe just looking for a paycheck).
I predict, at most, one more film in this ludicrous and pathetic Dark Universe series... if that.
Zindy, el fugitivo de los pantanos (1973)
So much more watchable with the gang from Rifftrax
--This is a review of the 2014 Rifftrax version of the film--
Perhaps it's my nostalgia for the old family movies set in swamps that I watched as a kid on the Wide World of Disney each Sunday night, films such as Treasure of Matecumbe, that push this over the top for me, but I loved the Rifftrax version of this film. The film itself is horrifyingly depressing for G-rated family fare.
Zindy, the young protagonist, lives in a swamp somewhere in an undisclosed swamp (actually filmed in the Everglades, with his Grandfather after his parents are murdered. His only friends are a chimpanzee (native to Africa) and a pet tarantula. His main foil is a hungry puma (native to Florida!). After endless scenes of walking through the glades and paddling though the swamp, Indy's grandfather dies a horrible death in quicksand and Zindy is mauled to death by the puma. Fun for the whole family, eh?
If not for the heroic riffing by Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett, this would be an excruciating film to watch... but with their laser-sharp sarcasm and wonderful humor, this is a true treat.
Favorite riffs: "It's like the Andy Griffith opening... only it never ends, and we're in hell."
"There have been storms involving Noah that didn't last as long as this storm."
Howls (2011)
Walking in the woods just isn't that interesting
This "film" is nothing but guys walking in the woods calling out a dog's name and bickering. The woods are pretty
I'll grant that much.
But 5 minutes of a shadowy brown figure spliced between aimless walking scenes to drippy background music is not a movie. I could recommend this as a cure for insomnia, perhaps, but not for entertainment. And as for the acting, calling it amateurs would be an insult to amateurs.
I'm a fan of low-budget filmmaking and am more than willing to suspend my disbelief if there is at least a shred of talent or artistry involved. But this movie:
No scares, no interest, no talent
no thank you.
Deathmoon (1978)
Werewolf, Hawaiian Style
In the 1970s, Robert Foxworth made a mini-career out of starring in such horror films as Prophecy, Incident at Lakewood Manor, The Omen II, and Invisible Strangler. Death Moon was his foray into classic monster film territory, and the film represents most of the elements that make made-for-TV 70's horror flicks so darn much fun.
Foxworth plays an overworked man who begins to have unsettling dreams. Taking a vacation to a Hawaiian resort, he discovers that the sins of his ancestors have been passed down to him as a blood curse. Under the full moon, he turns into a werewolf who chews his way through the resort's guests before a final confrontation in a lonely jungle hideaway.
Death Moon might not be great cinema, but it certainly is enjoyable for fans of 70's monster flicks. The werewolf effects are quite laughable, but that's part of the fun. This film will certainly disappoint fans of splatter and gore, as well as folks with high expectations of state-of-the-art special effects. But with its emphasis on character development and some winning supporting performances, this is a perfect film for a late-night, a bowl of popcorn, and a group of friends who grew up in the era of disco and leisure suits.