eric-312-417476 Reviews

Easter Sunday (2022)

Better to stay home

[1/10 · 20 August 2022]

One of the most painfully unfunny movies I have ever seen. I was so exhausted from cringing that I had to leave before it was even over.

Every joke, every attempt at humor or human connection fell flat on its face.

This is one Easter you'll want to leave the eggs hidden because they are all rotten.

Beast (I) (2022)

Feed the beast

[2/10 · 20 August 2022]

Ridiculous, annoying actor/character actions will make you want to feed these people to the lion. Especially the older daughter. I've not been this annoyed by a character in a long time. I think we are supposed to feel for her plight and her fear but all I wanted to do was to make her shut up. Even before the lion came.

And then There are the contrivances that are necessary because had these characters had brains they wouldn't be in as much trouble. We are a step Ahead of every jump scare, every plot point, every action. It's as if the writer and director have never had an original thought.

I've never thought Cujo was a great movie but at least you wanted the people to survive.

The Northman (2022)

The Northman goes south. Real fast.

[1/10 · 26 April 2022]

I have really loved Robert Eggers' films. Until now.

This was like Michael Mann and all his over-the-top toxic masculinity directed a Monty Python sketch completely unaware of its comedic intentions.

Army of the Dead (2021)

Film of the brain dead

[2/10 · 12 March 2022]

Too long with a 12 year old's sensibility. The "plot" serves no other purpose than to set up elaborate, repetitive set pieces.

There isn't a believable action, motivation, or emotion that would interest anyone who has a brain. Living or dead.

Willy's Wonderland (2021)

Incoherent mess

[1/10 · 12 February 2022]

What can I say about a movie that doesn't even follow its own rules? That has a solution to its problem that's so mundane that it invalidates its own premise? Dialogue so stupid that even a third grader would question its validity?

A movie so out of touch with its own big picture that you have to wonder if anyone thought about bringing a lens.

I understand it's meant to be silly fun but the least you have to do to achieve that is to be consistent with your own mythology.

Old (2021)

Maybe Young would be a better title

[1/10 · 11 November 2021]

Good god is this awful. Even by M Night standards. It's as if he has never heard anyone have a conversation before. The dialogue is so awful and the direction so bad that the characters sound as if they were dubbed over by people for whom English isn't their first language, we're not given any context and have never had any experience acting. Yes, it's worse than the dialogue and performances in The Happening. Hard to be believe, I know.

People don't talk like this unless you are maybe speaking to a five year old. Even then they would have to be on the spectrum.

The premise is so weak that M feels like every motivation, every scene, every character trait must be explained in a Dick and Jane level of cadence and emotional intelligence. This movie was torture. Absolute torture. I know some of these actors can actually act but they were obviously directed poorly and are probably embarrassed by the result. Everyone sounds like kids who have been handed a piece of paper to read In front of the class.

A Rainy Day in New York (2019)

A farrago of situational conundrums

[8/10 · 14 November 2020]

Low key sweet, charming and romantic. Like a rainy day in New York.

Blood Vessel (2019)

Stilted. Stereotypes.

[2/10 · 13 November 2020]

Stilted dialogue, stereotypical characters, heavy handed direction. This is one vessel that sinks before it ever gets a chance to sail. These characters are so obvious and unrealistic that the fact that they don't look as if they've spent 10 minutes sitting by a pool, much less adrift at sea, that it hurts the brain and makes you seasick just trying to get through it. None of hear people seem at all related to one another. Not even by chance. They simply exist to put forth a plot that itself only exists through contrivances. The costumes don't garner much realism either. They all look rented with a "do not age or otherwise use in a manner that makes them look used" clause in the rental contract. It's not easy to make a film or to get a film made. So kudos for that. But if you find yourself wanting to both write and direct a film yourself, make sure you've gotten someone you can trust to read it first and give you honest criticism and have some other qualified person watch your dailies. It's too difficult to check yourself before you shipwreck yourself.

Random Acts of Violence (2019)

Random acts of pacing

[3/10 · 13 September 2020]

If this were a short film I would probably rate it a little higher. In fact, my guess is that it started as just that since there is so much unnecessary filler here. And the pacing is way off. In the way only a first time filmmaker falls prey to.

Hunters (2020–2023)

Rotting cheese

[2/10 · 22 February 2020]

The first five minutes will tell you instantly how bad the writing is. It's as if teenagers were trying to show you how smart they are about things they really know nothing about and think they are doing something "important". I have never seen anything so insultingly moronic. If you think Jerry springer is quality television then you may find some worth in this. Or perhaps you need to be hit over the head with what racism is. What stereotype looks like to someone who doesn't know they are racist. If, on the other hand, you appreciate much smarter fare that treats you like a intelligent human being, like, say, The Wire, or films like Schindler's List then give this a WIDE berth. Dumbed down and insulting. To the nth degree!

Another Life (2019–2021)

The CW's new Telenovella made for the Disney Channel!

[2/10 · 8 January 2020]

Hysterically bad in some of the best ways. And just plain bad in some of the worst ways.

How do you deal with a ship that is falling apart in Space? "Act like you're drunk at a bar and make the wall your friend". Or "I'm not answering any more of your questions" followed by "you just did". As I type this there are even more hysterical lines of dialogue. Wait for the "if this were California" dialogue in ep. 2!

How do you save the planet? Send Selena Gomez and her 13 year old friends into space with a script written by someone's ten year old brother.

Obviously whoever green lighted this knew it wasn't good because they only spent about $3.52 on the special effects. Even the sci-fi channel is laughing. And the makeup effects? Spirit Halloween and your little brother again.

I didn't look but I would guess it was directed by Uwe Boll? Alan smithee?

There are some genuinely unintentionally funny moments but, being only 1.5 episodes in, I'm not sure the torture of the rest of it is worth it.

Janice, from the muppets, hasn't shown up yet but I won't be surprised if she does.

The Monster (2016)

Emotional and tense

[7/10 · 27 August 2018]

And practical effects! Though not as emotional or hard hitting as The Strangers this is a really well made old fashioned monster movie with a modern feel.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)

Jurassic House: Fallen Bedrooms

[4/10 · 7 July 2018]

What could be more exciting than a dinosaur park? A house! A house? Yes, at least that's what someone thought. Maybe they were a fan of barbie's dream house? Maybe. Everything here is certainly plastic. From the look of the dinosaurs to B.D. Howard's performance.

This is basically a retread of Lost World without the fun of the Dino's running through San Diego (the only watchable part of that film) at the end. It's over by the time they get to that.

The scariest element of the whole movie is Chris Pratt's stranger-danger, pedophiie sounding, character. Though he does have the only good line in the film.

If being in a large house with a dying man, some stereotypical evil old men, and politicians, this might be right up your alley. Or you could just stay home and watch the news for the latest Trump administration fiasco.

Can't wait for Jurassic House: The Studio Apartment. "It's gonna be tight""

If I wanted to watch dinosaurs in a house, I'd have popped the original Jurassic Park into my 4K disc player.

Denial (II) (2016)

Guilty!

[2/10 · 18 April 2018]

What a horribly miscast, pandering, less-than- lifetime-quality mess of a movie. RW is so awful in this film, and the directing so poor, I don't think anyone could have brought any dignity or believability to this mess. This obnoxious, self-righteous, narcissistic woman who's "from queens" (just when you thought the film couldn't get any worse, this line rears it's ugly head) Is such a horrible stereotype that she should be on trial herself. The survivors deserve better and so do the filmgoers. Now I just have to deny that this movie ever existed.