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Reviews
She's the Man (2006)
Appaulingly unnecessary
The acting was one in the long list of many reasons not to see this film. Undoubtabley, every few years, they will and have so far, made a tatty remake of a Shakespeare play and tried to hip it up for the kids etc. I'm fine with that concept, because in the end of the day- kids these days are too stupid to sit down and appreciate Shakespeare (and I'm one of that number) but this film was an insult to even the most illiterate of film goers. It didn't only defecate on the original plot and scripting of twelfth night- Amanda bynes went one step further and danced on Shakespeare's grave, revelling in her own appaulingly egotistical and frankly, unfunny as hell acting abilities. She was dire. She was more dire, as it happens, than the rest of the hideously misguided cast. Vinnie Jones?!?! I'm sorry- why? What possessed a relative English hardman, to do this sort of film- LET ALONE- a poor teen flick like this. Ten things I hate about you was better than this, and that's saying something. Please, cast better actors, and less inanely irritating protagonists next time you have to remake a Shakespeare for a dumbed down market.
American Dreamz (2006)
A tragic waste of time
I was beyond surprised when this film ended up being a complete disaster. I should've known from the appalling cast list that it wouldn't be too good- but nothing could possibly prepare me for the horror of horrors that was this film in it's entirety. The acting was so cardboard it was horrendous, and the script and to be honest, general notion and concept of this film- were horrifically juvenile and badly adapted. I was offended by it's every fibre of being, to be honest. It was never a good idea to try and satirise society and politics in the melting pot of a pop idol-esquire show. It was entirely unrealistic, badly done, and badly publicised. It was marketed at teenage girls- teenage girls would hate it. I personally, detested this film and would class it as one of the worst film's i've ever seen, quite genuinely.
A History of Violence (2005)
Probably the worst film i've seen in the past 3 years
It was to put it bluntly, shocking. The acting was bad, the story was awful- there was no conclusion whatsoever. It wasn't gritty and real, it wasn't fantaisical or interesting it just-was. And what it was, I don't even care to remember. I was so grossly disappointed as the trailer appeared quite different but I was grossly disappointed to find yet another appalling Viggo Mortensen film, and yet another shocking gangster-eqsue film-that-tries-to-be-something-it's-not (ie Revolver). For anyone who tells me I'm shallow for not seeing some deeply hidden, and meaningful aspect to History of Violence- I have to ask, what on earth this hidden meaning would be, and why it has to be quite so hidden, as if it wasn't for every single second of it being dreadful, the film had the potential to be really good.
Edge of Honor (1991)
Surprisingly amazing.
I bought this movie for a quid at a cheap book shop a year or so ago, purely because of Feldman as his other films from the 80's were glorious- and I was utterly shocked at just how good this film was.
Something about it made it a step beyond the other appaulingly low budgeted redneck thrillers. There was no pretence of horror or anything along those lines- it was all very easy to follow, and the setting was well chosen as in any other place it would've failed to impress so much of an image. Must be all those trees.
Anyway, since when has there ever been another film about scouts, lead by Feldman, saving the day? Or for that matter- any film about scouts.
The plots all tied together nicely, and him-off-Scrubs seems to be permanently, well type-cast as 'the mean guy who it goes wrong for every darn time'.
The one thing I'd change, is the dodgy yet mysterious- and possibly English- guy-in-shades, who's hired by the bad guys to rectify the situation and recover their stolen weaponry. It's not always necessary to have some bad-ass cool guy to make a film decent; Feldman filled that role anyway. I found the little boy who got shot more bad ass.
If you can find it anywhere, it's definitely worth a go. You'll be surprised at how good it is.
Amistad (1997)
Yet another McConaughey film that ruined my life...
It was a brilliant portrayal of the time; well acted, well scripted- fabulously cast. Yet still remains one of the most depressing films of all time- closely followed by Requiem for a dream on the 'i want to top myself now' stakes.
It wasn't a satisfying emancipation story, it was depressing and hard hitting to see such well depicted suffering and although historically accurate, I felt it was slightly malevolent for a piece of entertainment.
Although I'd recommend it for people interested in the topic, or time period- I definitely wouldn't recommend it as light viewing, or in fact, to anybody under the age of 18.
House of Wax (2005)
I beg to differ with Paris Hilton...
...I can think of about 3 billion other people who could've played her part. It required no skill- anyone can get speared through the head. And the whole 'I just *have* to be chased around in my under-wear thing, is growing a tad old. Perhaps in the next generation of teen horrors we'll get naked men being chased?
It wasn't the worst film I've ever seen- that award probably goes to Cabin Fever; and as someone else pointed out- the cast were fairly likable, aside from the two hapless boyfriends with no apparent surnames. Some of the gore was unnecessary, but then again that's the genre.
I wouldn't recommend it unless you were into the naff-horror thing; you've got to be fairly bored to make time to see this film.
Ocean's Eleven (2001)
Everything about it fills me with hatred and animosity.
No idea why- perhaps it was the needless Joshua Jackson cameo, or perhaps Brad Pitt's sickening ego- but I genuinely couldn't stand this film.
I felt it did the original no favours, and it was all a bit of an excuse to get Matt Damon into yet another big film with his-older-yet-more-attractive 'mates'.
I have nothing against George Clooney's better films, but this certainly wasn't one of them. And the plot wasn't that exciting the first time round- why on earth we needed to remake this film, let alone make a sequel is beyond me.
Julia Roberts leaves me cold on a normal day, but surrounded by such a haplessly dull cast made her performance seem even less impressive- it's no great loss to the film industry that I didn't like this film as every single other person on earth loved it- but then again, Brad Pitt's a relative God to a lot of people for no good reason anyway...
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)
Worst film of our time.
It was almost unbearable to sit through, but being trapped into the corner of the cinema by many of my friends I found no escape.
I'm not a Matthew Macoghnohay fan at all; so this didn't help. I'm not a Kate Hudson fan now either.
The plot was painfully predictable, the humour was un-humorous at best, and the gist of the film just makes me heave thinking back.
I'mnot averse to romantic comedies, but this one really made me dislike the entire genre for a very long time- I promise you it's not worth buying or seeing. Unless you're being paid, I would steer clear of it altogether.
Captain Corelli's Mandolin (2001)
Shockingly awful.
This is quite possibly, the worst film I've ever seen (second only to How to Lose a Guy in Ten days, if not joint-first.) The plot and acting and entire contrived manner in which it was publicised and made, all make me shudder looking back.
I haven't seen it since I went to see it at the cinema when it was out, several years ago, but I can still remember my utter disappointment and anger at being forced to sit through such a dire film. The ending was definitely the worst film ending I've ever seen.
I have no interest in the books now, and a film that can successfully put one off it's books is a bad one to say the very least. Cage was unconvincing, and Cruz came across badly in a strange way. I had no recollection of John Hurt until I re-read the cast list just now; but I'm shocked that he was part of such a ruthless endeavor to massacre yet another literary masterpiece.
Dead End (2003)
An appalling film; barely worth one star
In fairness, I wasn't expecting much when I watched it- it's possible comedic value, and my sheer boredom encouraged me to make the decision. But after the first ten minutes I found myself wondering why no earth I'd bothered waking up that day in the first place.
Not only were the actors appalling; the plot was beyond contrived, and the conventions were abused in ways I'd never seen before. Regular teen horrors are predictable; but having someone go and jerk off in the woods just to add some element of originality...come on now.
If that was the most shocking thing the writers could think of, then fair play to them- as it's the only part I can now remember. Aside from the ominous blacked out car which was supposedly 'terrifying', according to it's trailored reviews. I do wonder if they were watching the same film...
Cabin Fever (2002)
Truly appalling; a waste of life to be honest...
I've seen many modern teen horror's but this one takes the biscuit for being the most *appauling* film in that entire genre. The acting, plot, filming, soundtrack, very essence- of the thing- is purely dreadful. There was pointless nudity, pointless gore, and pointless everything to be quite honest- but not in the regular 'it's a teen horror so let's shock those crazy kids' way- it was more of a 'lets cheat perfectly innocent people out of an hour and a half of their lives, just because we can' way.
No non-obscene words can even begin to summarise the level that this movie reached, in terms of being crap.
It was worse than Dead End, it was worse then House of Wax, it was even worse than Wrong Turn. As a teenager, and a horror fan- take it from me, you don't even need to see this movie for a laugh- it's not funny, it's dire.