johnnytbananas Reviews

Macabre Theatre: Renfield the Undead (2011) Season 9, Episode 1

I am Count Bleh! Velcome to Castle BLEH!! Seriously, don't watch this.

[1/10 · 23 November 2011]

Every good review of this film was written by people who were IN THE FILM and they flag every bad review to get it taken down. Having said that.....

If you love vampire movies, or movies in general, then Renfield: The Undead will leave you feeling sadder than an SPCA commercial. On the other hand, if you like movies that suck so bad you wouldn't watch them with Hitler's eyeballs, then you, sir, are in for a treat. I honestly regret my decision to sit through this orgy of boring nonsense in its entirety. It sucked away my will to live. Is there some way to prematurely induce Alzheimers so I don't have to live with these memories? No amount of morbid curiosity justifies sitting all the way through a movie this bad, and not even Tom Servo and Crow could lighten these proceedings to a bearable level. Imagine, like, two HOURS of an ugly guy giggling manically and pawing at the air. Writer/actor Phil Nichols makes Uwe Boll look like Steven Spielberg, and Renfield: The Undead makes Dracula- Dead and Loving It look like Gone With the Wind. Oh my GAWD, I feel like I'm being punished for liking vampire movies. Why do you hate vampire movie fans, Phil Nichols? Are you trying to show us the error of our ways? As a big-time vampire movie buff I've sat through my fair share of GOD AWFUL crap, but this movie takes the blue ribbon of defeat. It isn't a bad idea to take vampires back to their Gothic horror roots; in fact, under normal circumstances I would welcome the attempt, but this movie fails on every level possible at once. The actors can't act, the writer shouldn't write (OR act, God help us), the computer-rendered sets look like PlayStation 1 cut scenes circa 1995, and the entire premise is a transparent dry-hump of Bram Stoker's classic novel. The plot, and I use that word loosely, consists of a series of ultra-weak vampire fights which are unintentionally hilarious AT BEST.

The rest is all bland, poorly-delivered dialogue and terrible, TERRIBLE British accents. The overall experience is like drinking a warm, flat Dr. Pepper. Renfield: The Undead has got to be one of the all-time worst vampire movies of all time, ever.You know, I think I've wasted enough of my life even talking about Renfield: The Undead. People of Earth, you have been warned. Congratulations Phil Nichols, you have made me seriously consider giving up liking movies AND vampires altogether.

The Countess (2009)

Sympathy for the Devil Countess

[10 November 2011]

This movie rocks because it manages to be both a lavish, complex period movie and a psychological horror movie at the same time. Julie Delpy does a fantastic job in the role of a complex woman from a brutal period in European history, and her performance somehow gracefully manages to be both sympathetic and monstrous. Bathory is one of history's most prolific and sadistic mass murderers, but historians are ultimately unsure of who she really was, and to what extent she was responsible for the atrocities for which she is credited. Most agree that the whole "beauty treatment bloodbath" thing is a myth made up by later generations to spice up the story, so I was surprised that a telling supposedly rooted in fact ended up going that route, but I loved the idea of a Bathory who is a real person and not just a 2-dimensional fiend. Great sets, costumes, and performances from a well-written script make The Countess an engaging and informative portrait of a woman whose vanity and blood lust have become the stuff of legend.

Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)

Hellraiser: Predictable Disappointment- In Stores Now!

[6 November 2011]

Despite what a lot of haters say, there IS a right way to re-invent a horror icon through casting. A lot of people got upset when Jackie Earle Haley donned the razor glove, but I had faith because I think he's a really great actor, and in the end I thought his performance turned out completely bad ass. Props to Robert Englund of course, but I always wanted a scarier Freddy, one that I wouldn't root for but would instead actually fear, and Jackie totally delivered. Old Freddy wants to torture and kill you but NEW Freddy wants to molest the s#$t out of you first, and that resulting uneasiness destroyed any empathy I had for the character, thus rendering him unlikable and genuinely threatening. This example proved to me that even a total horror legend like Freddy can be overhauled successfully, with the help of a great performance and a smart script. Hellraiser: Revelations, on the other hand, is a perfect example of how clumsy filmmaking can result in a bland, boring mess.

Hellraiser: Revelations is not a re-imagining (or whatever the term for that is these days), and really just wants to be another direct-to-video sequel, but this is the first time Doug Bradley is not reprising the role, and watching this new guy play Pinhead is like CHEWING ON PENNIES. I like all of the Hellraiser movies (although I freely admit that 3 is kind of dumb and 4 was a botched job on many levels), but this one, ironically, has no pulse at all. Direct-to-video movies can be just as good, and sometimes way better, than theatrical releases, and sequels can sometimes outshine the original; sadly, this is not the case with Hellraiser: Revelations, which is now the clear choice for "worst Hellraiser movie yet". For a movie about pushing the boundaries of experience, this sequel will only test the boundaries of your patience as you try to stay awake all the way through.

The actor playing new Pinhead must have skinned a monkey alive at the audition or something, because he is a zero-charisma dud in most respects. However, despite the natural reflex, don't put all the blame on the actors; the cast is clearly trying to earn that dollar and give good performances, and I hope that they all go on to better things, but the failing of this movie is the script, and no amount of passion and actorly commitment is going to help. New Pinhead opens his mouth, and all I hear is "blah blah pleasure blah blah suffering". It's like he's gotten tired of his job or something. When the main character complains about the endless banality and repetition of living, he might as well be speaking on behalf of the franchise. I have heard the rumors about a Hellraiser remake, and I think it could really rock if the script is gold and the casting is right-on, but handing the reins to a bunch of dudes who are clearly just trying to make a quick buck only results in sadness and fan backlash. If you are a true Hellraiser fan, in fact ESPECIALLY if you are a true Hellraiser fan, just skip this one and consider yourself wise for having done so.