the-zombie-pirate Reviews

Time Masters (1982)

Imaginative

[7/10 · 4 December 2021]

If you enjoy scifi, animation, and older story telling then you would probably like Time Masters and be willing to set aside its foibles. The animation can be odd at times. Although the character designs are not exactly pleasing, they are an interesting alternative to the often better animated contemporary anime. The royalty remind me of David Bowie while some of the creatures recall Cereberus. The story makes some wild leaps that would ruin the story if this movie were not focused on the fantasy and wonder of the vast unknown. Some of the transition scenes of the ship do not convey just what the devil is happening. The English dub has music that ranges from fun retro to B-side filler and dialogue that is unintelligible at times.

If random events and cockamamie explanations don't get your hackles up, then maybe you too can appreciate a step back in time to a great big fantastic universe.

Stargate: Base Gamma (2017)

Weakest of sauce

[3/10 · 12 December 2019]

I can enjoy low budget entertainment with weak acting, special effects, costumes, low quality video, et al when there is a good story. Base Gamma is missing the good story. It is like extended footage of the extras running around betwixt scenes of the main players engaging in the main plot minus the main players and the main plot. I give it 3/10 to acknowledge the efforts involved. I am sure it took a ton of work to make this movie and I would give it a higher rating for the effort if entertainment did not matter. They should have spent some more effort on a story worth making first.

The Hunted (2003)

Allow me to suspend my disbelief, please!

[4/10 · 8 May 2016]

Tommy Lee Jones saves a wild wolf from a snare and the wolf does not even snap at him. I let that go. The movie jumps from Tommy Lee Jones in snow covered British Columbia to him vomiting from a helicopter ride in a now full on summer (maybe early fall) in Oregon just an eight hour drive from his BC home. Maybe that is possible. I have never been to either place. I let that go. The last leg of the movie begins with an A-Team sequence in which both antagonist and protagonist construct their own knives. Maybe a stone knife could be made in short order, but a forged metal blade, really? Oh, the antagonist also made deadly hair trigger traps from logs, paracord, and vines (???) while you weren't looking, because forging a knife takes so little time and energy that he killed some time waiting for TLJ to chip his knife. I could not let these things slide. I can put aside my disbelief for drawn out fights and an older man running and jumping far past the point of heart attack, but not the A-Team in a serious movie. The Hunted was entertaining and maybe even a 7/10 until it plummeted over the ludicrous A-Team waterfall.

Snowpiercer (2013)

Imaginatively crappy and insane

[4/10 · 14 December 2014]

I was hoping for a surprise gem or bad movie night fodder, but it turned out to be neither! It smells of crazy Korean movies like "Old Boy" with sudden twists, but it is too preposterous and silly for my enjoyment. There is one scene in particular that really bugged me: it took place across an impossible distance, but any more would be a small spoiler. The train crashes through ice and snow and flops along the tracks for nail biting suspense, yet it falls flat because it just looks ludicrous. I would have thought that suspending my disbelief would be easy after giving a chance to the ridiculous premise of humanity's survival depending on a perpetually moving train, but I was wrong. That premise actually seems semi plausible by the end, which could be from taking in all the insanity, however it could have used some editing or tweaking of the story to aid in the suspension. On the other hand I give it points for moxie and the strong team effort. The acting performances were good and even some of the over the top characters worked given the setting of years trapped on a train. The sets had a good feel, but most of the cars did not fit the indefinite life time ecosystem idea. Over all, this movie just falls flat on its face. It is not worth seeing, especially for the brain cells its memories consume.

Space Station 76 (2014)

That Seventies Space Movie

[4/10 · 27 October 2014]

I had never heard about this until I saw it at RedBox. The seventies space theme caught my interest and that aspect gave me a few chuckles through the movie. The acting is pretty good. The sets, costumes, and designs give that seventies science fiction feel. The story is a commentary on how little things have changed in the human condition and how little they are likely to change in the distant future (as long as humans exist). As much as we think we are better than our predecessors (because they dressed strangely and did not care/know that cigarettes cause cancer), we face the same problems: self medication, broken relationships, bad parents, and so on. As much as we advance our technology, it does not quell our basic fears, solve our emotional/relational problems, or fulfil our needs of love and acceptance. Now, that you have read what this movie is about, you can skip this dud, unless, you want to waste your time watching people of terrible to mediocre character in an uneventful slice of life drama (even the one huge event is anticlimactic). They cheat, lie, hide from the truth, blame others, drink, and take drugs through the interwoven themes of unloving marriages, gay angst, and the search for meaning in life. By the way, Liv Tyler's looks helped me get to the end of this movie that is as empty as the lives of its characters.

The Great Gatsby (2013)

Almost but no cigar

[7/10 · 2 February 2014]

In high school, a TA had us label the characters of The Great Gatsby as moral, immoral, and amoral, which was my introduction to the concept of amorality. This movie portrayed the amorality rather clearly, however, I see it more now as not so much as not caring or having no value system at all, but as rampant selfishness and selfcenteredness. The characters had values or knew of what should be valued; they simply chose to live in disregard. Where the film falls short is in how it fulfills that portrayal for its first half to two thirds. The acting seems hollow, especially DiCaprio and Maguire, yet I think that was the intention and I think it works or would have worked if it were not for the music.

Whenever a film's score takes the viewer's attention away from the film, the viewer's interest wanes, at least in my case. I do not know why the makers thought that anachronism replete with raps, dubstep beats, and auto-tuning would enhance the story telling or better engage the audience than the actual period music.

I think that the hollow acting conveys a sense of falsehood and pretense in line with the story's theme, however, what seems like poor acting is distracting. The flashy and HD/ADD attention span editing, lighting, and general cinematography enhance that sense along with adding a feeling of insincerity, emptiness, and surrealism. I think that these latter two techniques were intentional and work well for this story. Unfortunately, they also pushed me to the edge of not caring about the movie itself, then the music plunged me into disinterest for at least the first third. I think I would enjoy seeing this movie with a period score, which would lift my rating by at least one star.

Eventually, the music fades into the background and it becomes apparent that Maguire and DiCaprio can indeed act. The characters and my attention come into focus. The director can actually direct and I forget that I am watching a movie.

This movie made me sad(der) and reminded me of how devoid of true love and value the human centered world really is. In the end, I enjoyed this movie. Its makers had something good going, but they very nearly destroyed it with unfitting and terrible music.

Abelar: Tales of an Ancient Empire (2010)

Worse than a bad D&D campaign

[1/10 · 14 January 2014]

Half of this movie is told by the guy who shows you his skilled but completely unrealistic drawings while you are trying to play an RPG at the local game shop. Meanwhile, you are ignoring the only attractive female in the place who is a witch casting a spell on you to give her all of your money. You manage to shift your attention to your GM who is really an ancient cyborg vampire who defeated the great robot king Albazarek in the fearsome robot wars of antiquity ushering in the age of man so that the vampires could feast on their blood in the darkness, but that is a story for another time. Your character is a half assed chaotic good human fighter that you hurriedly threw together while your mother talked about how she got the stains out of your underwear. Why can't she leave you alone? You're thirty-eight and obviously busy with something important! The GM spent little time describing the players' surroundings and left you to grope about an empty world trying to make sense of tons of useless background story. Then you notice a D4 on the floor that your skilled eye knows is a holy caltrop +3 from the demonic baby plague that ruined the future, but that is a story for another time...

The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

It is a disaster movie, not a disaster of a movie.

[6/10 · 1 July 2013]

I got this one as a candidate for bad movie night because of some of the reviews. It won't be at bad movie night. Yes, there are technical issues. Yes, it gets preachy. Yes, some of it is quite predictable. The performances were decent except maybe for the supposedly teenage son of our hero who looks like he's ten years older than his teenage love interest (it's actually 6 and Rossum did look her young age). In all fairness, the writing was probably far more to blame for the awkward predictability than Gyllenhaal himself. Although, there is not a lot to the plot, it is entertaining enough overall that it can put my disbelief on the back burner. I have seen disaster movies going back as far as Poseidon Adventure. This one is actually pretty good for this genre, however, I am rating it based on movies in general.

Planet of the Apes (2001)

nothing redeeming

[3/10 · 30 June 2013]

Some reviewers think that there are some good qualities to this movie. Let me clarify: there are none, at least, none that could make this movie worth seeing. Terrible writing, a completely befuddling misunderstanding of time and space, a confusing ending, highly variable special effects quality, and people in monkey... please forgive me: APE costumes. One of the things (aside from the hammy Heston) that would put people off the original is the obvious ape masks. I would have thought that if one were to remake a film, it would at least improve upon it's major flaw. I know little of ape behaviour, however, I did appreciate their efforts in adding ape gestures (i.e. rubbing knuckles on another's chest). It took me twelve years to finally see this movie. It was not worth the wait, but it is sure to be on the itinerary of my next bad movie night party.

The Prestige (2006)

Too much in some ways

[8/10 · 26 April 2013]

I really enjoyed this movie because of the craftsmanship and intriguing story/characters. The performances and scenery are top notch. The directing and story telling were intricately and skillfully made. The story is rather tragic, so don't watch this one to be uplifted. The shortcomings of this movie are: 1) It is too intricate. The scenes are out of sequence jumping around from recent past to years past to present without any blatant cues as to the time period. It took me about ten minutes or so to get a feeling for the jumps. Once I got a feel for how they were indicating the time, I was able to lose myself in the movie, however, the others who were watching it with me had a hard time. If you are someone who has trouble with flashback, you probably will not enjoy this movie for this reason alone. Although, I think that they did a very good job in this aspect, it will probably alienate many viewers through confusion. 2) This is not really a scifi story, yet it has scifi which I think detracts from the story. They could have easily written it without any scifi at all and I think that it would have been a more satisfying and interesting story. Throwing in a little bit of scifi unexpectedly and using it as a significant plot device at the very end of the story ruined my suspension of disbelief. There are so many puzzle pieces to assemble regarding the characters' actions, motivations, and secrets that throwing this curve ball in at the end detracts from the effect that they had worked so hard to achieve. This movie is about characters and intrigue rather than fanciful technologies.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)

its worst ruins its best

[14 October 2011]

What can I say other than this movie is mediocre at best? There is some exciting action and I found myself engaged enough to want to see the outcome of the struggle. Out of place one liners that made no sense broke my interest in the story which gave me time to think about how goofy this movie is. I am not concerned about continuity with the first two movies (I never saw the first and the second is just as forgettable as this one will be). The Sam character should never be given words because the writers have no clue how to develop a character. I can suspend my disbelief for giant mechanical extra terrestrial life and even an unlikely hero, but not for the painful dialogue that was supposed to flesh out the latter. I am not looking for poetry, but something that will not make me groan. Pairing Sam with a pretty woman largely for exploitation also cheapens what could have been a much better action movie. Leave out the fan service and focus on the story. Transformers has potential to be good grown up entertainment. Like Batman, I hope that somebody else tries to recreate the characters one day. Over all, for $1.02 rental, I enjoyed about ninety-nine cents of it. Michael Bay et al may keep the change.

BloodRayne: The Third Reich (2011 Video)

How can you go wrong with killing vampire Nazis?

[3/10 · 14 October 2011]

That very thought was going through my head when I rented this cinematic excrement. Nazis are my favourite bad guys and this seemed like a promising take on a good formula. In short, the story was vapid and the acting was awful. They threw in some sex to titillate, but all it did was make me angry. The mad doctor is over the top yet not in a good way and he was stupid to boot. The lead Nazi was an acceptable villain, but only because his acting was not painful and he was a Nazi. The heroine seemed rather one dimensional and devoid of life (which I think was the "actress'" fault rather than the writers' or even intentional). The heroine, by the way, never actually wears those painted on "pants". Ever. Sorry. This movie is neither bad enough to be good nor is it passable as late night brain dead viewing. I should have known to save my $1.02 when I saw the cover. What can I say: I have a weakness for dead Nazis and shapely hips.