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laserdragon
Reviews
Dead Moon Rising (2007)
Okay if you're open minded and like cheesy horrors
I won't say this is the worst film ever (I've seen Dark harvest 2) but in spite of the fact that it was made in my hometown, I can't give it a glowing review either. I kept having to stretch my sense of the believable a little too far in order to accept certain scenes (especially one where the bikers and monsters meet in the supposedly "deserted" city, while you can see a busy intersection up the road.
However, the women were pretty hot, and the movie sometimes came off a little bit humorously, which I understand was the point - so I will give it a halfway decent grade. But this movie is probably a lot better if you've had a little to drink first.
Ultraviolet (2006)
pretty bad, incoherent
I really did not understand this movie. I can't make up my mind whether it was supposed to be about vampires, be an anti-establishment movie, or be a knockoff of underworld.
What I do know is that it was horrible.
I do not know how they can get away with making these horrible movies, when there are so many other great examples of what not to do already being put out. If you liked underworld, you'll dislike this, and if you hated underworld like I did, you'll despise this.
The special effects were incoherent, the dialogue was as corny as an Indiana farm, and much of the acting was rather lame. Some of the scenes were so outrageous they were totally ridiculous and unbelievable (i.e. the motorcycle chase scene)and about halfway through the movie you'll probably find yourself wishing that it was over.
It might not have been so bad if some other things had made more sense. For instance, why do modern movies insist on putting in sword fights were sword fights are not necessary. If you have a gun you do not need a sword! I know there are exceptions to this rule but this movie did not set itself up properly for that exception. And even when swords do show up, there should be a realistic fight scene, and none of this "I am so mighty I can take you with one blow" crap. I am so sick of that cop-out. There is no way one woman can take eight equally matched people, surrounded no less, then swoop the sword once and kill them all.
Maybe if less had been spent on CGI, and more on buying a decent script, and maybe teaching the director some fundamentals on how to make a shot without a close-up, they would have done better.
I don't think I'm stressing enough how important it is not to pay to see this movie. Whatever you do, try to find a way to see it for free (legally, of course).
And one last thing: the trailers misrepresent the movie. It definitely leaves you with a different impression of what the movie is going to be about than what it turns out to be. Just so you know.
House of the Dead (2003)
Leave your brain at home before watching.
This was probably the worst film I have ever seen, if you don't include B movies. I think however this one may end up below them for it's lack of imagination and it's insipid plot. It's shameless how bad the dialogue actually is, and the characters had as much personality as a firing range target. (I regress, the firing range targets would have done better acting.) And the logic of the film just doesn't exist. I like goofy movies for fun now and then, but goofy is different from "not-thought-out". The script writer should be ashamed of himself and the production company must have cried tears of bitter disappointment when they realized what they had made. I have only one more thing to say: If you must see this movie, find a way to see it for free.