alan-51-111974 Reviews

Sean Saves the World (2013–2014)

A Good Show Contained Within a Largely Terrible One

[3/10 · 10 October 2013]

Sean Hayes is a very talented man and he works very hard in this. He has to because it's largely like a terrible parody of U.S. 90s sitcoms. If only it were a parody.

Most of the characters are TV clichés or racial tokens (one "Asian", one black guy). The plot for each episode is jammed in our faces as if otherwise we'd be too stupid to understand it: "My daughter needs her first bra!". Hilarity ensues, except it doesn't, it's truly truly painful.

Cue laugh track, then cue it again and again. The less I smile and the more laughter I hear the more depressing the whole thing becomes.

The supporting cast is a mixed bunch which range from a wooden spoon with a face drawn on it wearing a kitchen mop for hair (Megan Hilty) through to performances of genuinely twisted comedic genius from Tom Lennon.

That was really my point about a good show within a terrible one. Every scene with Tom Lennon in it seems to come from a different place than the rest of the show, a much improved place where the show is actually funny.

I sat stony-faced through the pilot yet laughed out loud at some of the Tom Lennon scenes. Whether I can continue to grit my teeth waiting for those moments is debatable.

It feels like being in a wheelchair having lost the use of your legs, with NBC looking down at you and saying in a very loud, slow, voice... "Are you alright down there? Can I get you anything? Do you want to go to the toilet? Do you want to hear a funny joke?".

I may be sitting down, but I'm not deaf and I'm not an idiot, please stop treating me as such.

If they could build on the Hayes-Lennon core a bit more (they're great together) focus less on the been there, done that ha ha ha feel of the rest of it, perhaps try to give some dimension to the characters of the other actors then this could really be something.

Uncle David (2010)

A Dark Love Story of Astonishing Honesty and Beauty

[9/10 · 24 August 2013]

This is not a comedy, not a horror and not a thriller, let's get that out of the way.

It's a dark love story of astonishing honesty and beauty and one of the finest films I've seen in recent years.

It's uncompromisingly honest in a truly refreshing way with incredibly nuanced and powerful performances by David Hoyle and Ashley Stryder.

The settings and cinematography are excellent, as is the original score and songs.

This is a film that doesn't tell you how to think or feel about it... it creates a web of emotions and possible interpretations that are perhaps more beautiful left unresolved.

Despite the story arc, my strongest impression was of the joy of simple pleasures.

I absolutely loved it.

Hammer of the Gods (2013)

A Solid British Film No Less Historically Accurate than "Vikings".

[7/10 · 17 August 2013]

I'm Welsh, so forgive me if I fail the US spell-check.

Firstly I'm bewildered, amused and dismayed by many of the comments: "Funny British Accents" (they're English accents), followed up by "Would be OK in Trainspotting II" (which is a Scottish film with Scottish accents), yes there are three countries in Great Britain. It's not called Great because it's great, it's to distinguish it from Brittany in France, formerly known as Little Britain after some Britons fled the Saxons and colonised the area. There's a bit of history for you.

Then we get into the historical accuracy of it all... and "Vikings" is held up as a better example, when most of "Vikings" is historically wrong.

Unlike "Vikings" this is a fantasy, it's not supposed to represent history, it's also not a Hollywood film, it's a "British" (English) one, that's why everyone talks with a "Funny British Accent".

There's also a fair amount of Old English and a snippet of Old Welsh, I don't think I've heard those languages used on film before.

It's main flaws are in trying to pander to the U.S. market (make it simpler and dumber)... yet it has strong performances throughout, a great lead in Charlie Bewley, fantastic settings, a solid although somewhat bipolar score, solid cinematography and a half-decent script.

People lap this stuff up in Game of Thrones yet as soon as you fix something which is obviously a fantasy to a point in history it get's pulled apart?

It's a solid 7. I'd have given it a 6 yet I find my patriotism roused by indignation at ignorance.

If you want to find something that completely lacks historical accuracy, only happened a couple of hundred years ago yet is revered as a great film, please watch Lincoln.

Assault on Wall Street (2013)

It's Not an Action Movie, It's a Revenge Movie, and a Very Good One

[8/10 · 15 August 2013]

I like Uwe Boll's films. They're always quite subversive and I find them highly entertaining.

I watched this because I was feeling a little down and wanted to be cheered up... I got much more than I bargained for... much, much more.

In a way this is an American "V for Vendetta", made by a German.

However unlike "V for Vendetta", which takes place in a future nightmare of a totalitarian Britain, this takes place in America's recent past. The nightmare this movie portrays is current reality, and Uwe goes to great pains detailing exactly why the principal character takes the actions he does.

It's a blistering critique of capitalism gone wrong. It's also a really great movie.

Dominic Purcell turns in an outstanding performance - I guess there's no chance he'll be nominated for an Oscar for this, which is a shame as I've seen Jack Nicholson fart and get nominated.

Edward Furlong is also superb.

The cinematography is great, I'm personally not a fan of the handycam but that's just a preference.

The script is excellent, performances credible throughout, great direction and a well above average score.

This is still a low budget movie by Hollywood standards, so don't expect King Lear in 3D but it's highly effective.

Well done Uwe!

Let the critics eat c**k. I don't think I've ever asked for a sequel before but I do now.

Sequel! Sequel! Sequel!

Exploding Sun (2013 TV Movie)

Watch it Because it's Bad, Not in the Hope of it Being Good

[3/10 · 8 August 2013]

It's a C movie with a script seemingly developed by a small team of 13 year old boys, boys of average intelligence who enjoy sport more than science.

Every scene has some element of mind-numbing stupidity, be it dialog, acting, set (apparently Afghanistan exists in a Canadian quarry and is populated by a mix of Pakistanis and Palestinians, we know it's a hot country because there's about 3mm of sand on the floor)... so in every scene there's something to laugh about, shout "nooo!" or point at smiling.

The plot is incoherent, as are the motivations and actions of all the characters involved... it's a parade of poorly sketched fools.

I'm a fan of bad movies, Birdemic, Sharknado etc... this doesn't quite have the style or entertainment value of either of those two but I still found it funny.

If you choose to spend 3 hours of your life gaining pleasure from ripping apart a movie then you may enjoy this, otherwise stay well away my friends!

Sharknado (2013 TV Movie)

The Funniest Movie I've Seen This Decade

[10/10 · 17 July 2013]

I perceive Sharknado as an absurd send up of every single Hollywood testosterone-based cliché ever made (all of them?)... and it is genius!

I have no idea if this was intended by all involved, so I have three choices:

A. This was fully intended by all involved.

B. The editor, sound designer and composer colluded to make an awful creature movie into a great comedy movie.

C. No-one knew what they were doing.

Any way this choice ends up doesn't matter to me, I laughed from start to end, often out loud.

I experienced a work of comedy genius.

The Lone Ranger (2013)

A Complete and Unexpected Joy

[10/10 · 11 July 2013]

It's a Hollywood Summer Blockbuster and it does everything you could ever want a movie in that genre to do.

It's essentially a fast-paced, high-action black comedy that turns the tradition of The Lone Ranger on its head. It's beautifully and joyously subversive at every turn.

The comic timing between the two leads is perfect. The supporting cast is great.

I think these may be Johnny Depp's finest moments on film so far.

Great plot, script, performances, superb editing and score.

I want sequels! (I don't normally say that).

It made me feel joy as if I was a child. I'm 47.

Trance (I) (2013)

Great plot, everything thrown at it, result just OK.

[6/10 · 3 July 2013]

I like 28 Days Later and Sunshine (which I think is a cruelly overlooked work of sci-fi genius) so I was prepared to like this.

In a way I did, the plot is multi-layered and there are multiple twists and turns, the performances are strong.

However the plot is thrown into a Hollywood-esque genre soup, we have fast editing, we have a peppy score, we have action. Through this I think the psychology of the characters is lost and any chance we have of caring for any of them is also lost.

My single biggest problem (sorry, I'm a composer) is the score. It's a rehash of the music from Sunshine, where the principal theme is a rehash of the principal theme from Requiem for a Dream. Please stop playing those chords in that order and pretending you wrote them, or at least give Clint Mansell a composition credit.

It's so very lazy and disingenuous.

Phew... OK I'm good now.

It's a solid little thriller that I'm sure a lot of people will enjoy.

Expectation 8, result 6. Disappointed.

Composer, please stop stealing without crediting those you have stolen from. Homage my ass.

Starship Troopers (1997)

This is Not About Fascism, it's About the U.S.A.

[9/10 · 1 July 2013]

This is not a full review, rather a counter to those that say that this movie is an excellent parody of fascism.

To talk about fascism is to talk about the past in a convenient historical way which means we don't have to deal with these concepts in the present.

Sorry guys, Robocop and Starship Troopers follow the same narrative at different points in the future of the USA. Both films are squarely aimed warnings at only one country. There are no non-US values or cultures presented in either movie so I don't understand how this is perceived as a broad jab against the dark side of WW2 politics.

It's a searing jab at the potential for the US based on its current trajectory.

I watched this film when it came out, at the time the media segments seemed outright ludicrous. Now they seem like Fox or CNN is today.

The flag waving, monitored, ill-informed people full of righteous anger are sending their children to die in wars they are entirely unprepared for and do not understand. Do we have to go back to WW2 to identify a country like that?

It's a good warning. Forget fascism and apply it to now.

Day of the Falcon (II) (2011)

I wanted to hate it but it was so good I couldn't

[8/10 · 17 June 2013]

Antonio Banderas playing an Arab? This has to be a mistake.

The main thing this movie does is to confuse you as to what era you're in, it starts off cheesy Hollywood, then moves into Lawrence of Arabia, then Dune, then confounds most of the rules of Hollywood cinema and creates something different.

It drew me in, I couldn't help it, I literally sat on the edge of my seat (literally means I actually did it).

It's a pseudo-history romp through the desert, it's a coming of age story and there's a bit of romance.

It's more true to how history generally unfolds than most movies and I feel it's more true to how people really feel and act.

I thought I knew what would happen at some points but I was time and again proved wrong.

It's a strange cocktail of genius, I loved it, so I'm not going to review it technically, there's no point.

Dead Man Down (2013)

A Truly Excellent Film

[9/10 · 16 June 2013]

I can't believe that this gets the same rating (currently 6.6) as the farce that is "The Call".

The plot is engaging and detailed. The script is understated and entirely credible.

The direction and performances are excellent throughout and there are really no weak links in the cast. It's probably Colin Farrell's best work since "In Bruges". Yes he looks nicely groomed but that's in keeping with the character he's playing.

The cinematography, editing and score are top shelf.

The result is a truly excellent, well-paced and largely cliché-free mobster movie driven by revenge with a romantic twist and it's one of the finest movies I've seen in 2013 so far.

This will stand the test of time, it's a work of rare quality in a genre that has become so dumbed down in recent years.

Stitches (I) (2012)

A nostalgic and often very entertaining genre movie.

[6/10 · 13 June 2013]

This harks back to Vincent Price's delicious revenge movies as Dr. Phibes in the early 70s, also his Theatre of Blood.

It also has something in common with the Chucky movies, Bride of Chucky is a personal favorite.

It switches between the suburban and the demented but because I already know that most of the suburban will be killed by the demented I'm really just waiting for the killings, and they are very funny, old school horror with very little use of CGI.

It's a homage to a different time in horror, it's cheesy, you can see what's coming but you go for the ride.

It's a genre movie, there's nothing else to say except that I enjoyed it.

Phantom (I) (2013)

I love submarine movies but this is not one of them.

[2/10 · 13 June 2013]

This has the same heavy handed touch as Lincoln.

Nothing much happens in the first 20 minutes... except mystery (long stares... blowing wind... dark chords from an orchestra) then we have detailed character exposition coming out of people's mouths: "Oh you're the Captain whose Father... blah blah blah".

Then what we have is essentially a remake of Ice Station Zebra (1968).

The story is interesting (if we believe one of the stories about K-129) yet we have a submarine full of Americans that are supposed to be Russians that talk like Americans, think like Americans and resolve conflicts like Americans and the best among them is the most American.

Is the point that someone that thought like an American saved the day?

How marvelously convenient. Pat on the back for our values. Heave.

Pace blah, cinematography blah, score blah, performances blah.

The ending is ludicrous. It's also stupid, vapid, moronic, cretinous.

As actors given an excrement sandwich of a script I guess they did the best they could.

Mmm... nutty.

Ice Station Zebra (1968) has a lot less going on than this but is a much better movie, even with Ernest Borgnine playing a Russian.

John Carpenter loves it as do I, even though it's so flawed.

Below (2002) is also much better, scenes from that film still haunt me, no scenes from Phantom will.

The Call (II) (2013)

It's a phone movie, and it's not good.

[3/10 · 12 June 2013]

The good guys are black cops, in the current standard movie sense, buff/beautiful and righteous.

The victims are blonde white girls... people the red states can really empathize with.

The plot is implausible. The script is stock. Maybe a computer wrote it but skipped most of the character development sub-routine. It suddenly kicked into effect in the last ridiculous 20 minutes, and then got even more stupid in the last 2.

The cinematography is awful. The score is what you would expect from this type of movie, it's stock.

Halle Berry turns on her full victim schtick (the thing she's almost good at) and sports an 80's Whitney Houston haircut, is this subliminal messaging?

She sheds a tear but she's not great.

The only good performance in this is from Abigail Breslin, and she's good.

On the plus side, nice editing and overall a great pace.

If you like to always know what you're getting, I present "The McCall".

For an extra few cents you can supersize to "The McCall 2", I'm sure the wait won't be too long.

Sigh.

If it weren't for Abigail Breslin's great performance, I would recommend watching this if you enjoy really bad and stupid movies but alas it's not possible now.

Psychobitches (2013–2014)

Succulent script, fantastic performances, mind-bending potential.

[10/10 · 7 June 2013]

It's a new British comedy, a female psychologist has sessions with famous women from the past, well at least versions of them (and some of them are men).

If television could qualify for an Oscar, then the three standouts, Samantha Spiro, Julia Davis and Sharon Horgan should all be up for it.

It's a deliciously well-written script, directed, acted and edited perfectly.

There are some British characters that are unknown elsewhere, I hope that won't matter as the characters talk for themselves.

Oh yes, mind-bending potential. I have watched the two episodes so far, Beatrix Potter's dream at the end of episode two expanded the range of what was possible. No spoilers.

Hannibal (2013–2015)

Largely genius with occasional blips.

[9/10 · 7 May 2013]

Hated the premise, prepared to hate the show, failed. This makes Homeland look like 24 in terms of U.S. TV development.

Finally we can see the gray that exists between black and white... and it's mysterious.

Two characters equally opposed in almost mythological terms but also connected.

The two leads are in a class of their own, their interactions are some of the finest acting I've seen on TV.

I understand the show can't keep at that intensity level so we drop down to Crawford & Bloom, that's fine.

But... the full episode 4 which I saw tonight, was the edit for the U.S. based on respect for the viewers? Glaringly awful CSI scenes? Stilted dialog?

That episode is actually still my favorite so far, it's that good.

Hannibal has great cinematography, a great script, great direction, some great performances, great score and sound design, great editing.

It's uh, great.

Parker (2013)

Tim and Eric direct Jason Statham in....

[8/10 · 5 May 2013]

If you had asked Tim and Eric to create a parody of the worst Jason Statham action film, they might have created something close to this.

This is one of the stupidest films I've ever seen and I enjoyed it hugely for the same reason. I laughed almost the whole way through.

It's so so very bad with possibly the worst screenplay imaginable, terrible acting from all involved, and I mean all. Every scene is stupid. Every piece of dialogue is stupid. The editor has great comic timing though (it seems that he also thought that this was a comedy). Was Tommy Wiseau involved in this production as an uncredited script consultant?

I had to give it an 8/10 as a comedy so long as I can imagine that Tim and Eric directed it.

Here are some more lines as apparently being succinct is unattractive.

Apparently woodworking can improve posture and cure headaches... who knew?

Lincoln (2012)

A Cozy Historical Revision

[4/10 · 11 April 2013]

Firstly let's talk about the production of the film, it's great, rather obvious though and almost every character falls into being a modern cliché of themselves, it's extended daytime television with a great score.

Lincoln I know is a semi-deity. Good on him.

What's lacking from the film is any kind of historical accuracy. This is a weird case of it both being a feel-good film for Americans and a wake-up call for Republicans... that's probably what generated the endless cream cheese splurging onto every surface.

The film misrepresents Lincoln's tactics as principles. He started off as a racist, I'm glad he evolved, at least tactically.

This film reminds me of why I get so annoyed when people don't know their own history. I'm now waving a Welsh flag and chanting "all our special leaders have been chosen by god" (yes that's I believe the subtext).

This is not a whitewash but it certainly is a paint job... and the paints have been very liberally used. A bit like the old Italian lady that touched up the face of Jesus. Except Americans would never equate their past, great political leaders with god. We know that, that's North Korea.

I await your abuse, please acquaint yourself with some knowledge of your country's history before flinging faeces.

I'm putting on my rain hat.

This a terrible film, it's lazy, boring and jingoistic.

The Master (2012)

A Laboured Chore Shouting "This is a Great Movie".

[3/10 · 25 March 2013]

Taken apart there's nothing wrong with any individual elements of this film except the script and yes I mean that sarcastically.

Great cinematography, great score, great performances... many subtle cinematic references... all of which shout: "THIS FILM IS AS GOOD AS THOSE OTHER ONES WE'RE CLEVERLY REFERENCING HERE!"... again, and again and again.

My problem is simple: I found all of the main characters to be completely unlikeable, I found it impossible to empathise with any of them.

I laboured through to the end and found essentially every character unchanged by their experiences. I left feeling absolutely nothing atall, not even anger towards my wasted two and something hours.

If this film's main message is the utter futility of everything, including the act of watching it, then it succeeds with flying colours.

I wanted to like it, I failed. The night before I watched Coppola's "Youth Without Youth" - that film had obvious flaws but despite its absurd premise felt more truthful than this vapid concoction.

I almost expect an invisible curtain to open before my very eyes right now revealing that "The Master" was created by the world's first sentient computer... that would have made me a little happier, at least that's progress!

Youth Without Youth (2007)

Stylistic Inconsistencies Aside... A Compelling Watch

[8/10 · 24 March 2013]

Firstly the film is based on a book, we're not here to judge the book or its narrative.

Let's start with the only thing I think is bad about this film... the "Brief Encounter" moments. I'm grasping at straws as to why such stylistic dissonance could have been seen as acceptable... except as a way to lighten the tone for American audiences. That's the only thing I can think of and those moments diminish the film. I don't know why he would do that, he's certainly in a position not to.

I don't share many of the perspectives shared from the book through this film but I share enough to have greatly enjoyed it. The book, like the film is informed by Faust.

I didn't mind the occasional upside downness... yes that word is not in the dictionary. I took it both as a metaphor for duality and a metaphor for childhood... when was the last time YOU stood on your head and looked at things upside-down?

Tim Roth is truly great in this and that's a shame because the film could have been greater.

It's still better than 90% of the movies I research and then watch though and none of my time was wasted.

I'm hoping at some point someone will re-cut the soundtrack to the "Brief Encounter" moments (I know they are not all Rachmaninov but you see the style getting repeated later with different music). Maybe just remove the music altogether for those scenes.

It's like sticking a "50% OFF!" sticker on a Mark Rothko.

Yoyo (1965)

One of the Best Film Experiences of My Life

[10/10 · 22 March 2013]

I'm 47. It's genius. I have no other words, to say them would be a disservice.

OK my review didn't pass the quantity test: I have to write more lines otherwise I can't submit this.

Tarkovsky's "Ivan's Childhood" has burnt indelible images into my mind, so did this film.

This film also bought me joy. It's very beautiful, very very funny and at times very sad.

It's highly stylised throughout, each period of the story is depicted through the cinema conventions of that period (somewhat). The stylisation continues through highly over-exaggerated but incredibly musical sound design and almost no dialogue.

The cinematography is stunning, the direction and editing are stunning, the performances are excellent throughout.

I may be alone in thinking that this is one of the greatest films but please make your own judgement, I'm happy.

Problems (2012)

A Work of Genius

[10/10 · 9 February 2013]

This is the funniest thing I've seen on television for a couple of years... probably the best comedy coming out of Australia now.

I've watched every episode more than five times and they never get old (except for the brief scenes with the moths).

Sam Simmons appears to be a bit of a love/hate personality in Australia, particularly after receiving death threats when it was announced (falsely) that he would permanently replace the host of an Australian radio show.

If you take Sam out of his Australian context and place him on the world stage (well Britain and Canada at least), then this stands with the best comedy made by Anglo-Saxons. I hope some Americans might enjoy it also.

Anyone who likes Vic and Bob, Python or Peter Cook should see this, it's pure joy.

Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)

The Best Performances in the Worst Setting

[8/10 · 6 January 2013]

Let's move beyond the awful music, the terrible editing, the ridiculous dune buggy chase and the pure cheese of Ryker and Troy...

Let's also move beyond that this is the second movie based on an exploration of Jean-Luc Picard's humanity, I think we got it the first time.

Let's focus on the performances of Patrick Stewart and Tom Hardy... stunning! I challenge you to watch a scene where they're interacting with each other and not come to the conclusion that for all its issues, this movie has the finest acting that the Star Trek franchise has ever seen.

I just wish someone would remove the music, it would make those scenes even better.

This is an odd gem for sure and it's flawed but with the right light it's amazing.

Another Earth (2011)

Lazy Claptrap

[3/10 · 10 July 2012]

I'm not wasting too many words on this and no I'm not complaining about the lack of hard sci-fi.

The sci-fi elements are used as a lazy plot device and constant cinematic backdrop.

Whilst the performances are good and the soundtrack is adequate, the movie never really addresses or explores the critical events it's supposed to be based on. It has a great premise but it feels like the equivalent to a 12 year old being told the plot of King Lear and then turning it into a screenplay.

Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad ending. Have I used enough bads?

There seems to have been a substantial lack of intellect at work here.

My time was wasted. I think "Love (2011)" is much lower rated than this but is an infinitely better movie. Not the best, but better. Damn those ratings.

Outpost: Black Sun (2012)

Very Enjoyable

[7/10 · 5 May 2012]

I enjoyed the first "Outpost" - great performances, cinematography, script and editing let down by the fact that it just wasn't very scary, more evocative.

Here in the sequel we find great performances, cinematography and editing. The overall pace has been tightened up and we (literally) enter the next level.

The score was nowhere near as good as the first, typical fare and I wish the Nazis were essentially silent as they were in the first.

However what you have is a movie that may surprise you based on its budget and is leagues ahead of many of its big budget competitors.

It's still not really scary, maybe I'm desensitised... but it is another very well put together and highly evocative ride.

I'll be watching the third installment.