Change Your Image
DavidDeRienzo
Reviews
High Spirits (1988)
THE NOISE
Record the last few minutes of a plane crash from inside the cabin, repeat for an hour and a half, and play the disembodied soundtracks of Hook and Indiana Jones over the screams and sounds of collapsing fuselage at the same time and you will have recreated the soundscape for this film.
Hotaru no haka (1988)
A sure candidate for the most overrated animated work ever.
The word "masterpiece" is thrown around quite a bit. That word should be reserved so that it has merit, but its consistent overuse has reduced the power of what the word once meant. The criterion for earning such a branding should be quite difficult to attain. In the world of anime, nothing has been called a masterpiece as fervently as Grave of the Fireflies. The usually war-torn world of critics is in almost unanimous agreement that the film is "powerful", "tragic", and a "masterpiece". Even Roger Ebert thinks so. All these people couldn't possibly be wrong, could they? I mean, Roger Ebert is famous! Grave of the Fireflies is the story of Seita and Setsuko, a pair of children who find themselves bewildered by the chaos of World War II. Fire bombings have claimed their mother and forced them out of their home, and now they must migrate from one place to another. For a time, they live with their aunt, who really isn't a half bad person, but is painted by the protagonist (through the writing, which feels as though it was written by a resentful teenager) to be a horrible, oppressive witch. Because Seita is so indolent and does nothing but eat, his aunt eventually gives him the choice to either start working or leave.
Seita then consciously decides, knowing full well what possible consequences lie ahead, to leave his aunt with his little sister in tow. He decides to live outside with his sister, willingly exposing her to the elements and possible starvation. What happens next is no surprise; the children eventually starve to death, the audience cries, and people shout "masterpiece!". But this is no spoiler; the writer tactfully decided to remove any suspense from the story by letting you know the children were going to die in the opening scene of the movie.
Now, children dying is quite sad, of course. But that's because they're children. Unless you're some kind of heartless mooncalf, people sympathize pretty well with children on a very fundamental level without them having to gain your adoration through development or emotional investment. But this is a pretty easy way out of those two things. Setsuko was designed to rip the salty water right out of the audience's tear ducts. She's adorable, innocent, and most importantly, helpless. But, from my perspective at least, this is a very effective ploy to incite feelings for characters that otherwise have no narrative value. And judging by the critical response to Grave of the Fireflies, it's a ploy that's worked quite well.
But the biggest problem with the theory of Grave of the Fireflies being a masterpiece is the aforementioned choice (yes, I italicized that earlier for a reason). The fact that Seita and Setsuko's suffering is brought about due to a single choice Seita, who though young is certainly old enough to understand the gravity of his decisions, made willingly rather than a situation where he and his sister were at the mercy of their circumstances completely debases any sense of tragedy the film might have had. Seita is simply lazy and too proud to work for his upkeep, and rather than being responsible, he decides to essentially commit suicide and take his sister with him. The lack of sympathy I have for Seita is almost enough to undo my mourning for Setsuko.
Another argument for Grave of the Fireflies' masterpiece theory is that it's a powerful "anti-war" film. This, like just about everything else people say about this film, is overblown and misrepresented in the work proper. There really isn't any strong anti-war statement in the film. We see bombings and death caused by war, but Seita and Setsuko's suffering is a direct cause of Seita's decisions and not the war itself. The only elements of the war we see in the film, the bombings, are merely a catalyst to set things into motion. Certainly, war is horrible, but Grave of the Fireflies does nothing to state this more than the fundamentality of war being bad that almost all of us acknowledge on a base level without help from a movie. This is not Schindler's List: The Anime, people. Get over it.
I hate to add wood to this fire, but even the presentational values of Grave of the Fireflies are not very impressive. The animation is mediocre and pales in comparison to almost the entire body of Studio Ghibli's work. Given, this is in part due to the realistic, subtle art style used to allow us to relate to the characters as being human, but even so, the visual presentation of the film completely failed to impress me. The music sounds electronic, and while I appreciate the subtlety, it's almost completely dismissible. The only place where the film really excels is in the voice acting. The cast delivers very sincere performances and the actors are appropriately aged for the characters in the film.
Dying children does not make something a tragedy. It's an easy way to elicit an emotional response. Dropping a few bombs does not make a statement against war. In this case, it's merely an inciting incident to get the characters moving. Combining these two elements does not make something a masterpiece. There are many examples of anime I can think of that offer much more poignant offerings of tragedy and anti-war sentiments (Gundam 0080 immediately comes to mind), so if that's really what you're looking for, I'd suggest you find some of them. You'll only find a paper-thin attempt here that covers itself by tossing out the kiddy card. Sorry, folks. A masterpiece this ain't.
Juno (2007)
Another in a long line of College Kid Quote Fodder (tm)
We've all done it. We've had that little moment where we think we're clever. We will jot down a poem, a short story or maybe even direct a super poignant student film and try to amaze everyone with our talents. After blowing smoke up our own butts for a while, most of us come back to earth fairly easily. Sometimes, we'll look back on these moments years later and say, "Ah. My youth. How foolish I was back then.." and enjoy a bit of nostalgia. Juno is what happens when that moment festers long enough to make it to the big screen.
In the first line of the movie, the titular Juno claims that it all started with a chair. I'm thinking it really started with a very pretentious writer named Brook Busey-Hunt (a woman who refers to herself as "Diablo Cody" and wrote a memoir when she was only 24, if you want an idea of just how pretentious she is) saying to herself, "Tee hee! What a neat idea I've just had! A movie that ends with the same thing it begins with! I'm a genius!" This is pretty much the feeling I got throughout the film; a movie constantly in awe of itself. A movie THINKING it's clever instead of actually making an honest attempt to BE clever. And, as with many films these days, it's designed to be College Kid Quote Fodder. As such, Juno has received much critical acclaim, and yet another bad example of how to make a movie is made. An example that will be copied and recycled to the point of obscenity. If you need proof, look no further than Juno itself, which feels largely derivative of films such as Napoleon Dynamite.
It's hard for me to point out anything good about this flick, as nearly every moment of it is so overflowing with arrogance and self indulgence that the finer details are scarcely visible. There were a few moments here and there that made me sort've laugh. Not an audible "ha-ha" laugh. Just that little inner laugh where you blow air through your nose once. Most of the dialog is very gimmicky and focuses on making young hipsters feel cool because they have knowledge of semi-current popular culture and the popular culture of yesteryear. Nearly every line is like something out of an episode of Robot Chicken, Venture Brothers or Family Guy, and the young, ignorant, "edgy" 20-somethings who are lauding this film as a masterpiece gorge themselves on that sort of thing. The "THUNDERCATS ARE GO!" line alone is going to ensure that Juno will be recorded in the annals of history amongst those who wear "Vote for Pedro" t-shirts and grown women who still wear those annoying, multi-colored striped socks with all the toes. And there are lot of you. I see you at the mall hanging out in front of HotTopic all the time. And man, Sweeny Todd and Juno at the same time? You guys must be having a liturgy.
See? I just did it right there. I was being a snide little jerk who thinks he's funny. But the difference here is that this is just a review soon to be flamed and forgotten, whereas Juno is currently ranked as the 129th greatest movie of all time at IMDb. That might not sound like a big deal, but bare in mind that this puts it above such films as The Gladiator, Annie Hall, The Deer Hunter, Life of Brian, The Princess Bride.. and, well, I don't even want to continue this list. It's too depressing.
The film isn't a total loss. There are some decent performances, at the very least. Most notably, we have Juno's parents, played by J.K. Simmons, who many will remember as Jamison from the Spiderman trilogy, and the West Wing's Allison Janney. Their characters were funny, sincere, and had the only worthwhile lines in the film. The would-be parents of Juno's unborn child, played by Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman, are also played fairly well (though Garner definitely feels more than a bit out of place). The problem is that as convincing and adorable as these characters are, they're peripheral characters with very little to offer. As a matter of fact, the only character in this film who doesn't feel peripheral is Juno herself, played by Ellen Page. Page's performance is a tough one for me to slam because I can't quite tell if she's just wooden or if she's struggling with the awful, novelty dialog Brook Busey-Hunt wrote for her. The other characters aren't so much characters as they are caricatures, and also feel largely peripheral and derivative, even Juno's key love interest in the film.
In the end, Juno is just another film to provide young adults something to quote in front of their friends so they sound funny. But because the young people of this generation are so pertinacious and precious, Juno is adored by them and will probably go down in history as a masterpiece along with similar College Kid Quote Fodder movies like 300, Borat and Napoleon Dynamite. I was recommended this movie by a friend, and I was somewhat excited to see it after seeing all the raving in its wake. I won't say for certain that you should or shouldn't see this film. If you think shows like the Venture Brothers or Family Guy are the zenith of comic genius, you will love this movie, and by all means, go see it. If you're a bit less juvenile and have a taste for real comedy like the works of Woody Allen or Mel Brooks, Juno might leave you pretty confused and $8 bucks poorer to boot. Go see Walk Hard instead, while you still can. You'll at least get a good laugh, which is what comedy aims for, and something Juno fails at miserably.
Hoshi no koe (2002)
Do yourself a favor and watch Gunbuster instead.
Voices of a Distant Star is proof that "artistic" and "good" are not synonymous. Being artistic can be great, but even at its greatest, it is only a flavoring particle, an enhancement. It cannot be the basis of a work of storytelling. Take Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo, for instance. An incredible show, and very artistic. The use of coloring and texturing made every frame a piece of mouthwatering eye-candy. The way the story is told, the use of juxtaposition and scaling, the fascinating "imaginary" camera moves, it was art in motion. However, you could easily take all of that out of the show and it would not be much different. It would still be just as wonderful an experience because the story is so strong and is told with such care and tact that the artistic elements are almost negligible in the grand scheme of things.
If you were to take all of the artistic elements out of Voices of a Distant Star, you would not be left with very much. In fact, you would be left with virtually nothing. I am not sure about you, but I sure as hell know that if a work of narrative storytelling can be reduced to an insignificant speck at the removal of one element, it probably was not all that great to begin with.
Voices of a Distant Star is the story of two star-crossed lovers, Mikako Nagamine and Naboru Terao. The high school sweethearts enjoy their time together until Mikako is selected by the U.N. to join the crew of an interstellar warship called the Lysithea, to do battle against the mysterious alien race known as the Tarsians. For all its acclaim at originality, Voices of a Distant Star has the typical mecha set-up. Military organizations always search for ace pilots in Japanese high schools, because when the fate of the world and all 6 billion people on it is at risk, there is no better way to defend us than to give a sensitive, hormonal, emotional, unreliable 14-17-year old highschooler a giant robot that can destroy a city in the blink of an eye.
Okay, so even though this mecha aspect feels thrown in simply for the sake of drawing mecha fans to a type of OVA they would otherwise never watch, my many years of dealing with the mecha genre of anime and its often ridiculous setups can allow me to get past this. What I can not get past, however, is Voices of a Distant Star's obscurity and resounding sense of self-importance. In this excruciatingly short 25 minutes, a great deal of time is spent with still frames with flowing, narrative dialog unrelated to what we see in the frames. This is a juvenile presentation method typical of a high school or college student, always seeking to be as poignant as possible without considering how silly it all sounds. The sad thing is that Makoto Shinkai was almost thirty when he penned this script.
So Mikako goes off with the Lysithea and they jump into hyperspace. Her only contacts with Naboru are text messages sent via cell phone. Unfortunately, her travels now represent a dilemma. As the Lysithea travels further and further away from Earth, time dilation begins to take effect and the delay between Mikako and Naboru's text messages begins to grow, to the point where Mikako's last message takes 8 years to reach Naboru. As Mikako, remaining 15 years old, fights the Tarsians on their home world 8 light years away, Naboru, now 24, waits patiently for Mikako to return.
It is not a bad concept, really. However, 14 years prior, a little OVA called Gunbuster did this same thing, and it was also much more exciting, meatier, and less artistically bloated. In essence, Voices of a Distant Star is a highly condensed, pretentious version of Gunbuster. The only major differences being visual in nature, and that brings us to the OVA's animation and artwork.
At first, I thought Voices of a Distant Star looked amazing. The art style is extremely detailed, and shows an interesting emphasis on the environments rather than the characters in them. The characters, however, are a bit of a problem. I am not sure what it is, but Naboru and especially Mikako look really ugly, and their facial features are occasionally out of proportion, rendering a fairly cringe-worthy effect. Another big problem is the mecha Mikako pilots. Rather than sensibly using 2D animation, the mecha (and also the Tarsians) are rendered in really low-budget CG. These things are pretty damn laughable, looking like something out of an ancient Playstation game. I do not really have a bias against using 3D models in anime, but if you are unable to make it look good, do not bother trying. Sticking to 2D was the obvious way to go here.
So in the end, what is presented and often heralded as a masterpiece is merely a paper-thin, haughty adaptation of a timeless classic. Do not be deceived by all the flashy bells and whistles designed to fool you into thinking you are experiencing something deep. Voices of a Distant Star is short, obscure, and occasionally ugly. If you are curious about this OVA, do yourself a favor and watch Gunbuster instead. And if you have already seen Gunbuster, you have no reason to see this. That is all.
D-War (2007)
Hyung-sae Simm... the Korean Uwe Boll.
Being a fantasy-lover that absolutely MUST go out to see every fantasy flick that comes out can be pretty excruciating at times. Before D-War, I hadn't seen an honest-to-god fantasy flick since At World's End (I'm not counting Stardust, which was just a romantic comedy masquerading as a fantasy flick). So by the time D-War came out, I was starving for a decent fantasy film.
That's not to say I had high hopes for D-War. I wasn't expecting Star Wars or Lord of the Rings. Hell, I wasn't even expecting Pirates or Narnia. I was just expecting to be entertained. Even a flick as frowned upon as Eragon managed to entertain me. But let me tell you, D-War makes me long for movies as "good" as Eragon. Yeah, it's that bad.
As with most fantasy films, D-War comes to the plate with two strikes against it; clichéd plot and bad acting. This is something that any fantasy aficionado is quite used to, however, and these things alone aren't enough to completely ruin a flick of this genre. As long as it manages to be aesthetically absorbing and maintain a level of excitement, it can succeed.
Where D-War completely flubs is in its pacing. The film starts off extremely slow, almost grinding to a complete stop several times in the first 45-50 minutes (bare in mind this flick is only 90 minutes long). By the time the hour mark rolled around and I had barely seen anything even remotely resembling a thrill, I actually pulled out my cellphone, turned it on, and looked to see what time it was so I could guess how much longer my suffering would endure.
The second half of the film is where the action starts piling on, but after all the dull exposition and rising "action" of the first half, it's hard to get excited about the action in the second half. And there really isn't all that much solid action. Pretty much everything you'll see in the film is what you already saw during the trailers. Giant snakes masquerading as dragons running rampant through the cities, giant armies of canon-fodder troops taking up formations we've already seen in countless films of this nature since the mid-90s.
In all it's a brainless, mind-numbingly dull adventure flick, a great deal of it I've already seen too many times. Unless you have small children, you might want to skip this one entirely.
Existo (1999)
One of the worst films ever made. Period.
First off, I'd just like to make it clear that I did not find this movie terrible for any political reason. I am neither left or nor right, and I am totally indifferent to politics.
Now, with that out of the way. This film is utterly awful. Aiming to be a low budget, cult classic that pokes fun at right-wing conservativeness, "Existo" crashes and burns with its trite political humor that completely fails at even garnering the slightest of smirks. Coke Sams (who, by the by, directed the Ernest films, which are some of the worst films of all time), is trying way too hard, and ends up with a "beat you over the head" style of attempted satire that completely misses the point of cult fandom.
The genius of cult classics is that the directors didn't know they were making a cult classic. They just wanted to make a quirky, original film and weren't sure if anyone would like it. But Coke Sams is actually trying to intentionally make a cult classic here. He's aware of himself too much, and that makes his work extremely pretentious. It's like someone dumped the entire Criterion Collection, every episode of Inside the Actor's Studio, some of Michael Moore's 5th grade liberal poems that he scribbled on the back of his notebook, and a gallon of feces into a melting vat, mixed up the putrid contents, and then, through some undoubtedly illegal process, converted the product into a film of monumentally horrible proportions.
The film opens with a voice-over that tells of a dystopian, ultra-conservative future. Yeah, really subtle. Existo, the main character of film, played by Bruce Arnston, is a member of a secret rebel movement poised to overthrow the right-wing government. Arnston does all sorts of Zaney things that you'd see on one of those live-action children's shows on PBS, like delivering all of his lines, both in dialog and song, in the fashion of a bad Jim Carrey imitation, and while this may amuse the everloving crap out a group of 8 year olds, it does naught for someone with an attention span wide enough to realize that there's about ten billion better ways they could be wasting their time, like setting all their cherished possessions on fire or phialing down grandma's bunions.
No doubt through some kind of agreement between Sams and Jim Varney via their Ernest-built relationship, Varney makes his very last appearance in this film as an old man caked in Cream of Wheat. It's very sad to think that this was the last "professional" thing Varney did before he died, and I can't help but to think that Varney's death is somehow related to this film.
I'll close by saying, don't be fooled by the positive user comments for this film. This film was made in Nashville, and you'll note that almost all of the positive user comments are from anonymous users from Tennessee, most likely friends of Sams or even members of the crew who produced this abomination, perhaps even Sams himself.
Fainaru fantajî sebun adobento chirudoren (2005)
Action? YES! Plot? NOOOOOOO!!!
First off, let me just say that I was a huge fan of the video game back in 1997, so this isn't a review from some ignorant person who has no understanding of the story.
I wasn't exactly looking forward to Advent Children, but I didn't condemn it either. I'm not a big fan of CGI movies. I prefer hand-drawn animation, no contest. Also, I knew in my heart that Final Fantasy VII would be a difficult thing to follow. The ending of the game was very cryptic, and left a lot of gamers with questions that Advent Children SHOULD HAVE answered. Instead, at the end of Advent Children, we're left with more unanswered questions than we were at the end of Final Fantasy VII.
The story begins with a mindless, unexplained action sequence in the middle of a rocky wasteland outside Midgar. This is a sample of what you'll be experiencing for the rest of the "movie". And I say "movie" in quotations because the small inklings of plot you'll see in this flick hardly constitute a workable, coherent movie script. As we settle down and get a grip on what's going on, which is done by observation rather than explanation, we become aware that 2 years after the ending of Final Fantasy VII, a strange illness has befallen the citizens of Midgar. No explanation is given as to exactly what this disease is or does. As far as the viewer can tell, it causes parts of your skin to become ashy and brackish. Big deal. Maybe everyone should just bath more?
Elsewhere, it seems foul plans are being set in motion by a trio of whiny, emo Sephiroth clones, of whom survived the original reunion. How did they survive? Where did they come from? What are their motivations? Like most things in this "movie", not explained. All we know is that they're trying to start another reunion. Why? Who knows. That's never explained either.
So the clones start abducting children from Midgar, promising them a cure for the dirt on their skin. The clones take the children to the old Ancient Capitol. Why? It's never explained why. They never use the children for any particular purpose. They're not even used as bait. They just gather up a bunch of children and hang with them for awhile.
So now you have a basic idea of what this film is like. During the last 30 minutes or so, the movie becomes a hectic attempt to cram every single character and reference from Final Fantasy VII in before they run out of budget. What you're left with is an empty shell of a movie, with no real plot, contrived dialogue, and a whole lot of teen angst. If you can which this under the proviso of CGI appreciation, you should enjoy this film. If you enjoy great action scenes, you'll enjoy this film. If you're looking for a worthy continuation of the classic FFVII story, you might want to look elsewhere, because this is just 90 minutes of fanfare.
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)
Saving the best for last.
I was one of many disappointed with the prequels, to a degree. The Phantom Menace left all of us with a sour taste in our mouths. Attack of the Clones, although aesthetically captivating and immensely entertaining, was brainless and had some sketchy dialogue sequences. Needless to say, despite all the hype, I wasn't expecting much more from Revenge of the Sith than I was from Attack of the Clones.
So there I sat in the theatre at midnight on May 19th, anxious, worried, biting my nails in anticipation, quite possibly for the last time in my life, as there will never be another film of this magnitude again. Things started out grim. The first 30 minutes of the film are nigh intolerable, between shameless droid antics and the disappointing and sudden departure of Count Dooku. But this is all a brilliant rogue set up by Lucas to give you one last sense of "prequelness" before he thrusts you into a world of darkness and emotion beyond anything the Star Wars saga has ever seen.
Suddenly, the dialogue hits all the beats. The acting raises to a calibré unseen in the franchise. The overblown special effects and sketchy animation, though still present, take a back seat to the tale. And this is just the beginning. Halfway through the movie, upon the execution of Order 66, this movie becomes a Star Wars fan's absolute fantasy. Everything you've thought of since you were a child has come to fruition in a way that will leave you absolutely shell-shocked. The last hour or so of the film is about as close to perfect as you'll ever get in terms of the action/fantasy/sci-fi genre.
Not only is it a return to greatness for Lucas, but John Williams as well, who's been producing lackluster scores since Jurassic Park. The Revenge soundtrack is easily his magnum opus. The music in this movie will send chills up your spine from the raw emotion of it. If the last scene doesn't leave a tear in your eye, you're not a Star Wars fan. This movie is pure magic, and I would recommend it to anyone with the capacity to understand it. The Empire Strikes Back has finally been dethroned. Lucas has given the neighsayers the slip. Pure genius. Some of the best cinema ever.
Shin sangoku musô 3 (2003)
A milestone in video gaming entertainment.
Dynasty Warriors 4 is simply incredible. Its beautiful, clean, polygonal graphics, its whimsical and fantastic character designs, its addictive and exciting gameplay engine, and its glorious voice talents bring this game to life in more ways than one.
Based on the novel Legend of the Three Kingdoms by Luo Guanzhong, an epic, legendary tale that has been incarnated as a video game many times before, but this is the finest of those incarnations.
Play a major role in the rise of one of three kingdoms which are aspiring to rule ancient China. Each kingdom has a set of officers, each with unique character traits and abilities, and work to bring your kingdom to absolute rule. This is a war simulator like no other, with realistic strategy and fantastic fighting and magic braided together in perfect harmony.
It is such an action packed game that can be played over and over again without ever getting tiresome or tidious. I highly recommend this game to video game fanatics and casual players alike.
The Medallion (2003)
Not quite as enjoyable as slow, torturous death.
As a devoted Jackie Chan fan, I've seen many of Jackie Chan's best films. On the other hand, I've also had to share some of his worst and most embarrassing experiences. And I must say, even for a Jackie Chan film, this one is absolutely appalling.
Eddie is an Asian Police Officer (Oh my god! Jackie Chan, an Asian Police Officer?! No way!) on the prowl for an evil and despicably stereotypical crime lord called Snakehand (or was it Snakehead?), who is trying to use the powers of a magical Medallion possessed by a special boy who can grant immortality and resurrect the dead. This plot device is so eerily reminiscent of Eddie Murphy's "The Golden Child", it's almost laughable.
The comedic slapstick fight scenes aren't nearly the calibre of Jackie's other movies, and the soundtrack that is played during the fight scenes is rather distasteful and clearly geared toward teenie boppers. What's worse is the romantic chemistry between Jackie and the love interest of the movie, which, like any of Jackie's previous movie romances, is silly and distracting.
Avoid this movie at all costs. This is quite possibly the worst Jackie Chan film I've seen yet, and another reason to dub this summer as the worst season for films in recent history.