dgalloway Reviews

Santa Claus (1959)

Ow, my brain...

[20 September 2004]

(warning: contains spoilers)

It's very hard to screw up a Christmas movie. Since most are aimed at children anyway (simply to get them out of the way while the parents finish their shopping), the premise of Santa Claus is so set in stone that it's hard to get sidetracked in any way. A fat, jolly old man lives in the North Pole with his elf helpers, then flies around the world of Christmas Eve in a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer, and delivers gifts to all the good little boys and girls. Previously, I had the displeasure of viewing Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, but even that movie conveyed the Santa Claus legend pretty accurately.

Then this movie comes along from south of the border, and my mind starts reeling from how messed up it is.

Apparently Santa no longer lives in the North Pole (guess global warming finally got to him), and instead dwells on a cloud in outer space. (For the record, there are no clouds in outer space.) Instead of an old-fashioned toyshop, Santa lives in a cross between a magical fairy land and a sci-fi fortress. Instead of elves, he has children "helpers" (aka Illegal Child Labor) from around the world.(In fact, the first scene is an "It's a Small World"-type song with all the different regions, with the most blatant stereotyping I've ever seen.)

After this, the movie kicks into gear, as we are introduced to Santa's arch-nemesis, Pitch the devil. Yes, a devil. I always thought God was the devil's enemy, but apparently it's Santa Claus now. Pitch is sent by Lucifer (aka Satan) to make all the children of the world naughty. Here we're introduced to five Mexican children. One is from a rich family, but his parents neglect him around the clock. The other is a little girl from a poor family, who really wants a dolly. The other three are a pair of naughty kids, who Pitch tricks into throwing rocks at stuff.

Santa spies on the children using the most bizarre equipment ever seen, including a fan with an ear, an eye on a tube, and a computer with lips. He listens to the dreams of both the rich boy and the little girl (who's named Lupita), who resists another attempt from Pitch. After the usual letter-reading scene, Santa gathers the gifts in the sleigh, then uses a crank to activate his mechanical reindeer. Yes, mechanical reindeer. As Crow would say, "This is some good-old-fashioned nightmare fuel."

A few stupid scenes later, Pitch tries to foil Santa by moving a chimney. Of course, he forgot about Santa's magic key (I never knew he had one of those!), and the jolly old man delivers the presents on time. Pitch then dances around like an idiot in another house, then sets a fire in the fireplace so Santa can't slide down, then makes the doorknob hot. Santa simply climbs through the window, delivers the gifts, and shoots Pitch in the butt.

A few more scenes, and Santa reunites the rich boy with his parents for Christmas. Pitch then cuts his bag of sleeping powder, and steals his crystal flower to disappear. Santa gets treed by a dog, but is saved by Merlin the Magician (yes, you read that right). Santa punishes the three naughty children and gives Lupita a dolly. And so Mexico is the only country to get gifts.

As you can see, this movie is weird. But how would it fair against children? I may be an adult, but I can honestly say this movie will scar any child who sees this. MST fans, keep you copies far away from your little nephews and nieces if you value their sanity. In fact, steer clear of the non-MST3K version if you value your OWN sanity.

Mitchell (1975)

More cop movie cliches than you can count

[1 July 2004]

Cop movies have always been one of my least favorite genres. As a son of an actual police officer, I can tell you that their jobs are never like those in the movies. Take this movie, for example. A drunk of a cop gets to take down an entire crime conspiracy while sitting in his car.

That last sentence just about summed up the entire plot. The main character, Mitchell (played by Joe Don Baker), starts by investigating the murder of a burglar at the residence of a crooked lawyer named Dini (played by the barely-competent John Saxon). Afterwards, he gets sent to stake out another crooked individual, this time named James Arthur Cummings (played by the most-likely embarrased Martin Bolsan). After doing everything you're NOT supposed to do on a stakeout (such as leave your target and make your presence known three seconds into the job), he comes across an entire conspiracy involving a shipload of stolen heroin. Along the way, he bags hooker Linda Evans, then drags her to the big house afterwards.

Like my summary said, this movie has tons of cop cliches. The supreme gangster, for example, is the biggest italian stereotype this side of Super Mario. Cummings has a seemingly immortal minion (played by Merlin Olsen) who doesn't go down until after he nearly kills Mitchell. Dini and Cummings both have high positions, and get away with virtually everything. Mitchell busts a hooker, but since he slept with her, he technically broke the law. And of course, nothing gets done unless someone goes out and commits a mass murder spree.

This movie is most remembered as Joel's last episode of MST3K, but the show used a much shortened version. I've seen the full version, and the plot makes much more sense there, but that still doesn't excuse the cliches, lousy plot, bad acting, and everything else wrong with this movie. It's one of the worst movies in one of the worst genres.

Red Zone Cuba (1966)

...Huh?

[26 June 2004]

Night Train to Mundo Fine is different from many films. Most films try to have some kind of plot; NTtMF has none. Most films try to have competent actors; NTtMF has none. Most films try to have some kind of action; NTtMF has none. Like always, Coleman Francis wasn't even trying to make a good movie; it's like he delights on torturing those foolish enough to watch his movies.

What happens in this piece of trash? Well, an escaped convict named Griffin joins up with two slack-jawed yokels and gets involved in an invasion of Cuba. Something then happens, and the entire force of seven gets captured by a guy in an outhouse. They get killed one by one, until Griffin and his two pals escape the prison and fly back to the US. There they go to an old diner, where they kill the owner by throwing him down a well. Why? I honestly have no idea. Afterwards, they hook up with the wife of one of their fellow invaders, who takes them up into the mountains before Griffin shoots her. There's a boring chase scene, and Griffin gets killed.

So much of this movie makes no sense. If you value your sanity, stay far away from this film.

Mortal Kombat (1995)

A halfway decent video game movie?

[7/10 · 18 May 2004]

(SPOILERS!)

That's right. Demons are wearing parkas in hell, and a pig just got shot down for violating some country's air space. The impossible happened all the way back in 1995 with "Mortal Kombat". Then again, after crap like "Super Mario Bros." and "Street Fighter," my expectations were very low, but whatever.

The first thing you notice is that someone actually paid attention to the games. While there were a few errors (such as Sub-Zero and Scorpion being on the same side), the movie at least tried to follow the game's plot. Unlike Super Mario Bros, it didn't take the whole story into a pointless direction, and unlike Street Fighter, it didn't use a bunch of lousy special effects that had nothing to do with what was going on.

Second, the acting was pretty good. While nowhere near Oscar-winning, the actors at least sound like what you would imagine the characters to sound like (except for Kano; whoever played him can go to hell). Special points go to the actors who played Raiden and Shang Tsung; both were very well done, and added to the mysterious atmosphere of the two. The fight scenes, while not all THAT great, were at least partly decent (then again, I wasn't expecting Bruce Lee here).

Now for the bad. The plot was at least passable, but they killed major characters much too quickly. The fight with Kano, for example, was barely thirty minutes into the movie, and he gets killed before he even had a role. Also, Scorpion and Sub-Zero's deaths are shortly before and after that, respectably. We never learn much about the characters, and while the games could get away with that oversight, a movie can't. Also, some fight scenes were very badly done (especially the aforementioned Kano fight), and the fight with Goro was very anti-climatic, if you ask me.

Still, at least check this one out once. You might actually like it (unlike Super Mario Bros. and Street Fighter, which even the mentally ill can't stand).

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

Folks, something to chew on...

[19 November 2003]

Don't compare this to the original cartoon. Nothing can compare to the cartoon. If you come into the movie expecting the cartoon, you'll be p****d off at every minute that passes in this movie. If, on the other hand, you just come in expecting a holiday movie, it is actually quite good. Not the best, but still good for the whole family.

Everyone knows the story about the Grinch, unless you've been stuck under a rock for the past fourty or so years. The original story was about the Grinch, a green, furry guy who lives on a mountain above the town of Whoville. Every Christmas, the Whovillians throw massive Christmas parties and celebrations, much to the dislike of the Grinch, who hates Christmas. He tries to steal Christmas by taking away every decoration, present, etc. He learns the true meaning of Christmas as the end, and a few other things happen, but that's it. It's a short story overall.

Then they try to make a movie out of it. In order to make it run at least 90 minutes, Ron Howard had to add a lot of plot and such. The Grinch is also given the typical Howard-treatment; he hates Christmas because of a traumatic experience during a Christmas party as a kid. This completely contradicts the original story, which has him hating Christmas because he doesn't understand the meaning and thinks it's nothing more than a bunch of noise. Jim Carrey, however, does a pretty good job as the Grinch; there were a few faults, but we don't know much about the Grinch anyway, so it deoesn't matter as much. Rather, all the problems fall on Ron Howard's shoulders.

What seperates this from other holiday movies of its ilk, however, is that effort actually went into it. It seemed like everyone really wanted to make a good movie, and even though it doesn't match the cartoon, it's still an enjoyable experience. So please, don't just compare it to the cartoon; just judge it as a movie itself.

Hobgoblins (1988)

Damn you, Gremlins! Damn you!

[9 November 2003]

Gremlins was a great movie, but it had a flaw bigger than anything anyone could forsee: it was successful. That wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't for one fact of the movie industry: when a movie is successful, hundreds of poorly-conceived knock-offs will be released to cash in on the trend. Among the horrible Gremlins knock-offs are Critters, Ghoulies, and- the worst of them all- this movie.

A bunch of little, hairy, UGLY monsters live on a Hollywood movie lot. They break out, and begin to make people's fantasies come true. However, the person is always killed in the process. So, a bunch of dumb teens have to go kill the little devils. Following me so far? Okay, the plot is painfully bad. Things happen at random intervals, and the whole mess is impossible to follow.

The acting is cheesy, even for a B-movie. Nobody paid attention to the dialogue, either; people say the dumbest things here (my brain hurts just trying to remember some of the lines here). Action? Plenty of badly-acted, ridiculous-looking fighting with monsters that could get killed with nothing more than a feather tap on the head runs through the whole mess.

MST3K did this movie, but not even the wit of Mike, Crow and Servo could save this piece of trash. Avoid like the plague.

The Final Sacrifice (1990 Video)

Another MST3K masterpiece...

[7 November 2003]

Another nightmare of a flick made bearable by MST3K. The movie suffers from too many problems to list, but I'll try. The acting is horrible, terrible, and insanely nightmarish; the villain's voice is so horrible you have to hear it for yourself. The plot also makes no semblance of sense; stuff happens at random until your brain melts into nothingness. NOTHING IS GOOD ABOUT THIS BLASTED MOVIE! However, MST3K did do a good job riffing it, so watch that episode only. Otherwise, steer clear of this piece of trash.

The Sinister Urge (1960)

Ed Wood, though art a genius...

[6 November 2003]

This movie is so unintentionally funny, like all Ed Wood movies. It's not on the same level as Plan 9 from Outer Space, but it comes mighty darn close. Not only that, but MST3K riffed it, as well. That raises the humor level about a hundred points. I recommend it to anyone with a love for bad movies.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

One of the worst movies ever...

[3 November 2003]

This is terrible. Absolutely, positively, beyond the shadow of a doubt terrible. It's so bad, it was even riffed by MST3K, which made the movie MUCH more enjoyable.

The plot is hilariously stupid. A reporter interviews Santa Claus at his workshop (no comment on HOW he got there to begin with). Some Martian children pick up the broadcast, and they're delighted to see Santa. It turns out that Mars has no Santa, and as a result, children are dull and lifeless. So they go to Earth to KIDNAP SANTA! I'll say that again so you can absorb the stupidity of it: they kidnap Santa. From there, it remarkably sinks even lower, with bad martians and kidnapped Earth children. Yes, it's THAT bad.

The acting is awful, the camera work is awful, the directing is awful, everything is awful. It's the biggest waste of 90 minutes I've ever experienced. Avoid like the plague.

Sonic Underground (1999)

Not that bad, really...

[18 October 2003]

I am a major Sonic fan, but this show slipped below my radar when it came out. After watching a few episodes I got from the Internet, as well as reading all I can about the show, I have decided to give my opinion on it at last.

First off, this isn't like any Sonic-related thing before. It has new characters, new areas, new storylines, new everything. The only characters they have from anything else are Sonic and Robotnik, and that's only because they're a necessity in anything Sonic cartoon. However, the show creates two siblings for Sonic: a brother named Manic and a sister named Sonia. Every other character (including Tails, sadly) is missing, except for Knuckles, who appears in a few episodes.

The animation is pretty well done. It's better than the previous two series, that's for sure. The voice acting, on the other hand, is another story. Robotnik's voice gets on your nerves quickly, and I can't listen to Sonia for more than five seconds before thinking that gnawing my own leg off is a better way to spend my time.

The storylines for each episode are a bit formulatic; if you've seen one other kid show before this, you've seen every plot this show uses. It does have a few good ideas, but these are often surrounded by terrible plots. Also, the singing, while pretty good compared to most shows, is horribly overused; as in, every episode overused.

If you're expecting another Sonic show, you'll be dissapointed. Yet, despite the many flaws, it's still a pretty good show. Too bad the US only got thirty episodes; the other ten were never released in english. Still, if you can, try this show out at least once. As long as you don't expect perfection, you'll be alright.

Cowboy Bebop: The Movie (2001)

A great movie based off a great series.

[10/10 · 20 August 2003]

Normally, I'm not that big a fan of the anime movies we in the US get. Usually, they're either dubbed and censored to heck (Dragonball Z movies), cut and shredded apart (Digimon: The Movie), or simply terrible kid movies (every anime movie Disney released besides Spirited Away). However, this one stands out, not only because it's a good movie based off a TV series (which doesn't happen every day), but it's a GOOD ANIME MOVIE RELEASED IN THE US!

Basically, it's set in between two of the last episodes in the series. An ex-soldier named Vincent seeks revenge against all of humanity. In order to get it, he uses a multitude of beads that contain a deadly nano-machine virus. If someone is infected, the nanomachines spread through touch, kill in minutes, then dissapear without a trace. So it's up to the crew to stop him to save the entire human race, although that $300 million bounty looks pretty nice, too...

The characters are good, but I felt that the others should have gotten more screen time. Spike was basically the focus of the movie. He's the only one who really fights Vincent, he's the only one who catches Vincent, he comes up with the plan to stop Vincent, etc. I think I made my point. Although the others each have their moments (*spoiler* I really loved it when Ed ran into a gun-totting maniac and a transvestite while looking for Faye's target */spoiler), Spike is still the star here.

Besides that, this is a great movie. If you're a fan, check this out. If you're not, then I doubt you'll understand it fully, but check it out anyway.

Digimon: The Movie (2000)

A terrible combination of three good movies.

[1/10 · 20 August 2003]

Ah, Hollywood. Land of greed and bandwagons. Anyway, whoever decided to put three Digimon movies together and release it as one big movie should be arrested on crimes against humanity. I'm a Digimon fan, and I hated this. I guess I should explain why, at least.

First off, in order to fit it in at a normal "American" time limit, tons of plot had to go. This is especially evident in movie 3, where *SPOILER* a good subplot with six of the original Digidestined were turned into toddlers */SPOILER* was cut off, and as a result, later parts make very little sense. Also, they added plot elements from the other movies into parts of this in order to give it a more sequential feel. In the original, Diaboramon was only in movie 2, Wallace was only in movie 3, and as far as I can tell, in the grand scheme of things, movie 1 had NOTHING to do with movie 2 and 3.

Take it from me, this thing is a disaster. I'd rather have a hundred simultaneous root canals than watch this disaster again. However, the original three movies were good, so I reccomend hunting them down somehow. Don't settle for the worst thing ever piped out of a bandwagon; namely, this movie.

ONE STAR.

Cowboy Bebop (1998–1999)

The best anime series I've ever seen.

[20 August 2003]

Cowboy Bebop is a truely marvelous series. Unlike most sci-fi animes, which deal with giant robots, magical powers, and really big aliens, this deals with your standard pot of drug dealers, smugglers, murderers, and the like.

Also, the characters are completely different from other animes of the same ilk. Spike is a bounty hunter with no regard for anything, Jet is an ex-cop with a robotic arm and a heart of gold, Faye is a gambling woman that hunts bounties just for fun, Edward is a girl (yes, a girl) that's also an expert hacker, and Ein is a super-intelligent dog that doesn't do that much.

The plot revolves around the group as they hunt down bounties across the galaxy. However, episodes take time out to flesh out each character's past, from Spike's "death by a woman", to Faye's search for her past, to Jet's quest fo revenge. If you want plot, this is one of the best there is.

Overall, Cowboy Bebop is the greatest anime series I've ever seen. It's more than worth your time to check it out, even if you don't like anime that much. Trust me, you won't be dissapointed.

Dragon Ball Z: Bardock - The Father of Goku (1990 TV Movie)

Great DBZ special

[20 August 2003]

Normally, Dragonball Z movies have weak plots, horrible dubbing, censorship up the wazoo, and pretty useless fighting. However, this one is an excellent example of what the movies SHOULD have been like.

Bardock is a saiyan who, like everyone else on his home planet Vegeta, works for Freeza. One day, his team of low-level soldiers take out a planet that was giving even Freeza's highest elite teams a run for their money. However, the last survivor curses Bardock by giving him the power to see the future.

Bardock begins to dream about Goku's future back on Vegeta, while the rest of his team is sent to another planet on Freeza's orders. Bardock dreams that Goku will become a great warrior, but thinks nothing of it. However, as the plot unfolds, and he learns what Freeza is planning, he realizes that Goku will be the only hope for the universe someday.

The stuff I can't give away is what really makes the plot so wonderful. There are only a few fights, but that's to be expected; the plot is the main focus here. However, two fights do stand out: a little Vegeta destroys a bunch of Saibamen, and Bardock's final confrontation with Freeza. Overall, I recommend that any moderate to hardcore DBZ fan get this movie sometime. Trust me, you won't regret it.