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ElBastardo
Reviews
Mulholland Dr. (2001)
This is a bad movie.
A lot of people will try to tell you it's a good movie. Those people are wrong. Yes it creates a good mysterious atmosphere. Yes it's dark and really keeps you on the edge of your seat for a while. But despite that, this movie has its head way too far up its own ass to be even half way decent as a movie and drags on so long that you'll totally lose interest in what good aspects it has by the end of it. This movie tries so hard to be deep and artsy that it completely fails in its attempt to be either one. It has ridiculous plot twists that make no sense and really have no bearing on a decent or logical plot. I don't care how much time you spend analyzing it, the fact is, there is no way to look at this movie that makes it not suck. Maybe it's the one chick's dream or a look at how disillusioning Hollywood can be but none of that matters. Don't believe the hype. Bad bad bad. This movie is just so bad.
The Lake House (2006)
This is a bad movie.
A very bad movie. My friend and I had figured out every plot twist in the first ten minutes. And Keanu Reeves is a really bad actor. His "look how dramatic I can be" voice rips apart my soul and evaporates my will to live. That's just not how humans speak. But I digress. This movie sucks. And not just cuz it was unrealistic which it was, but I can handle unrealistic. The vast majority of movies are unrealistic. No this movie was bad because it was stupid. It's like they took all the bad things about Frequency (which there were a lot of cuz that movie sucked a bunch), made them infinitely more extreme, and changed ham radio to mail, which by the way is way worse than ham radio. I'm not really sure why. Anyways, never ever ever see this movie. Or you will die. FROM A BUS TO THE FACE!!!!
The Family Stone (2005)
This is a bad movie.
Why are they so mean to her at the beginning? Maybe she's a little uptight, but everybody's uptight when they're meeting their boyfriend's family. It's not an easy situation and she's perfectly nice and everybody is painfully mean to her. Nobody would be that mean to somebody they just met especially not somebody that their son/brother is dating. It's ridiculous. Then things get all screwy and they all accuse her of being racist and a gay hater and who even knows what else. And then . . . then everything gets all switched up. I won't go into too much detail, but I promise you'll see it coming from a mile away and it's ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. And then a year goes by and every ridiculous thing worked out. Awwwwwwwwww. What a stupid awful movie. My roommate loves sappy movies and she HATED this one. Anything even slightly sappy makes her cry. She's cried at Cool Runnings eighteen times, but this. This just made her mad. It's that bad.
Nip/Tuck (2003)
Why is this show popular?
I really don't enjoy this show. It's not like the worst thing I've ever seen, but I don't like it. My roommate rented it on DVD and I watched it with her and I really don't see what there is to enjoy about this show. It's about a a womanizing, narcissistic jerk and an obnoxious douche bag with a horrible, bitchy wife, and Michael Jackson for a son (kinda). How am I supposed to care even slightly about two people that I would hate if I met them in real life? And the story lines all seem pretty *beep* ridiculous. This show is just another soap opera jam packed with melodrama and unrealistic situations. It's so superficial. All the drama in it is about money and physical appearances. On other television dramas like Rescue Me and Six Feet Under, the drama is about life and death. And both of those shows are funny! Heaven forbid that anything even slightly funny ever happen in Nip/Tuck. No sir, no time to work in a joke when you're jumping from ridiculous situation to ridiculous situation at the speed of absurdity.
You Got Served (2004)
Straight Street. How Street? Straight Hood.
This is the worst movie ever. Everything is wrong. Nothing makes sense. They don't practice? So they all just do the same thing at the same time by coincidence? Wow. What are the chances? David just rejoins the crew and is totally able to keep up? Of course. He's just a natural born dancer. It's in his blood to serve. Why do they all live in middle class suburbia? Isn't this supposed to be like a growing up in the hood movie? Why doesn't Elgian's sister have a ghetto accent? She sounds like a cornfed white girl.
And what's the deal with the directing? The camera shaking when they land?
You MUST be shrooming. How is the bad ass of this group of hardcore thugs a 10 year old? The 10 year old dies in a gun fight? Seriously, Chris Stokes, what were you thinking?
And the most disappointing part of this movie was the dancing. I was not expected Shakespeare. I wasn't even expecting Danielle Steele, but I thought at least the dancing would be good. Finally, in the last scene of the movie, they really start to dance. Up until then it's just kinda jiggly walking which is really more weird than impressive or cool. Why didn't they get real break dancers? It's not like the actors could act anyways.
However, if you want to know the truth, this movie had some very funny moments. Nothing that was actually supposed to be funny, but it was funny nonetheless. Still, I don't know if I could watch this movie more than two or three times, without my head exploding.
Wet Hot American Summer (2001)
The Weirdest Thing I've Ever Seen
Okay so this movie starts off all normal. It's a nice little story about the kids and counselors at a summer camp. Everything seems normal enough. One of the counselors turns out to be gay, one of the kids has a chance to lose his virginity, the nerd guy likes the hot girl with the jerk boyfriend.
Basic movie elements. However, in one trip to town, this entire movie gets turned around. The trip to town is a truly bizarre scene. It starts off kinda normal with the counselors drinking and smoking cigarettes. Then smoking pot. Then all of a sudden they attack an old woman, steal her money, and use it to buy cocaine and heroin. From that point on, the movie makes no sense. But I think the randomness is pretty funny. I genuinely enjoyed this movie and actually almost bought it the other day at the store.
But don't watch it if you're in the mood for something not weird cuz baby, this is one weirdass movie.
Siu Lam juk kau (2001)
Crotch-Kickingly Good
This is without a doubt the best drinking movie ever even with the subtitles. I really wish that it had been dubbed, but it was still incredible. My friends and I saw this at a movie theater that was next to a bar so we bought our tickets then ran next door and pounded drinks for 20 minutes before the movie started. Then we smuggled a few beers into the theater and had a couple as we watched the movie. It may have been the most fun I've ever had. It was hilarious. This movie is like Army of Darkness, but with soccer instead of sheer bad-assness. I definitely think everybody should see this movie. But see it drunk and with a big group of friends. It's definitely a drunk, big group of friends kinda movie.
Van Helsing (2004)
Welcome To Camp
A lot of people are gonna make fun of this movie and believe me, they have good reason to do so. However, this movie is great if you have the right attitude. It really should have been marketed as a comedy instead of an action-adventure. It is hilarious. This movie is extremely campy. This movie has campiness on a level with Big Trouble in Little China or Army of Darkness. People can make fun of the ridiculous action sequences, the illogical storyline, the terrible acting, the obnoxious accents, and the stupid hats all they want. The fact is this movie only has two big problems.
1. The special effects are too good
2. Bruce Campbell should have played Gabriel Van Helsing.
The Fast and the Furious (2001)
Look at all the pretty cars!
So this is what we've been reduced to? We watch cars drive by? That's supposed to be enough to entertain us all by itself? No storyline, horrendous dialogue, stupid, unrealistic characters that do stupid, unrealistic things.
But don't worry, there's plenty of pretty cars. Look at them go. WOOO!! Those are some pretty cars. And they go really fast. Yeeeeha. That's cinematic genius.
I guess in some ways it makes sense though. You can't afford good writers, good actors, and cool cars. The producers of this film made their choice and they stand by it.
Not me though. I weep for humanity.
Forrest Gump (1994)
Apparently stupid people can become millionaires by blind luck. Who knew?
Everybody talks about how great this movie is. Will someone tell me why? So a stupid guy wanders through the world, saying all kinds of stupid stuff, chasing a drug addicted stripper, and by blind luck wanders into millions of dollars? Yeah, I can see why that's so popular. It seems like this movie would make more sense as an inspirational video for retarded people.
Look! You too can be a success without the unbearable burdens of intelligence or talent. All it takes is ridiculous levels of luck.
And what about the years of running? Years of running? What is that? It's just so ridiculous. Who does that? Who? And people follow him? "I don't feel like running anymore." You're joking. Who wrote this because they should really be crucified.
Trigun (1998)
Most Amazing Thing I've Ever Seen
This is the single greatest show I've ever watched. Everything about it was excellent. I liked the beginning when the show was silly and funny and I absolutely loved the end when it was darker and more intense. It does have a couple weaker episodes in the middle, but these episodes are only week by Trigun and standards and really are still better than most episodes of most shows. This show is sort of like Cowboy Bebop with a much deeper storyline. The first time I watched episode 23 was the first time I ever cried at a movie and episode 24 was even more intense. This show literally changed my life and blew my mind. I'm still hoping that someday, there will be a sequel.