abrown975 Reviews

Mr. Monk's Last Case: A Monk Movie (2023)

I was ready for this to be good... and it was GREAT!

[9/10 · 8 December 2023]

When I saw Randy Zisk was directing, Andy Breckman was writing, and everyone was coming back, the pit in my stomach kept churning: "Please don't let this be a TV movie reunion cash-grab." It wasn't. In fact, "Mr. Monk's Last Case" makes me sincerely hope it's not his last case.

Everyone is back and it simultaneously feels like just yesterday when the last episode aired, and yet a whole era has passed. They don't shy away from COVID and how it affected Mr. Monk- in fact, they go deep. I wasn't expecting so much trauma to be revealed, and the even-deeper humanity it was treated with. The call to action at the end felt earned. Tony Shalhoub is hopefully in for another Emmy for bringing Mr. Monk back. And Hector Elizondo as Dr. Bell brought an unexpected

The mystery (and the "Here's what happened...") will NOT disappoint. This was written and directed by people who love Monk, and it shows. Andy Breckman is TV mystery royalty, and let's everyone know it.

Jeff Beal's score was one of my favorite parts of this- the "Monk" cues are there, but it's a new score now and not just a rehash of the original show soundtrack. His use of string instruments not only well up tears effectively, but he even brings in some Hitchcockian ethers that just hit the spot.

I hope "Mr. Monk's Last Case" gets the recognition it deserves. It's a Monk mystery that ends up having so much more to say about Mr. Monk himself and our world today. Emphasizing just how emotional and realistic this movie got for me any further would include spoilers, so just make sure to keep some wipes handy.

Nope (2022)

I wasn't expecting to be scared as much as I was...

[7/10 · 20 September 2022]

Wow, there are a lot of nasty reviews of the movie...

"Nope" is about horror media spectacle- it's about what makes us watch a fiery car wreck as we drive by on the freeway, or how the "GRAPHIC CONTENT" warning on news segments piques our interest. Steven Yeun's character, who I assume also speaks for director Jordan Peele here, says he will show the audience a "spectacle". And he does show the audience, both in the film and us watching, a spectacle or horror. And it is one of the scariest things I've witnessed because of how (ironically) grounded the performances are. The shrieks and screams of people experiencing this spectacle don't simply feel scared, they feel TERRIFIED. AGONIZED. CHAOTIC. CONFUSED. IN HORRIFIC PAIN AND TERROR. Jordan Peele knows how to tether (heh..) his films to reality.

People criticize how there aren't as many scares as they expected, but while that might be true that the horror is as sparse as the land it's filmed on, each scare means something. Each one primes the audience to think a certain way about the aliens. What do they look like? When will we see them emerge from their flying saucer? What will they do when we see them? And midway through, without revealing too much, we realize too late with the rest of the audience that our idea of these aliens are way, way off...

The performances by everyone are great. I wish I were out battling this UFO with them. My only complaint is that despite the ordeal they've just been through, they don't seem to change much as characters by the end. This also makes the movie feel a little longer than it should be.

"Nope" could be about half an hour to an hour shorter... but boy, does Jordan Peele know how to toy with your suspense levels, and expectations.

Willy's Wonderland (2021)

Surprisingly, this movie was boring.

[4/10 · 13 October 2021]

Too many times was Nic Cage's character touted to be deeper than he seemed. Every time his watch alarm rang, and he compulsively went to the back to drink an energy drink and play pinball, I would think "There's a backstory here that will be revealed later."

But nope- didn't culminate to anything. It was just his quirks. And that felt more like a problem with director/writers than with Nic Cage, because honestly, he was still the most bearable thing about this movie.

He was perfectly cast in a crappily-written movie. Wasted opportunity, but not for a lack of effort on Mr. Cage's part.

The Twilight Zone: Point of Origin (2019) Season 1, Episode 8

It's not great... but it's not the worst episode.

[7/10 · 19 July 2021]

Ginnifer Goodwin plays, very well indeed, a white American housewife. In the beginning, she snitches on her housemaid Anita Fuentes (played by Zabryna Guevara, the absolute BEST THING ABOUT THIS EPISODE) to the government, who kidnaps her. But then, Eve herself is then kidnapped by the same agents- and apparently she is an illegal alien herself. An ACTUAL alien from another dimension, with no memory of her past.

So this episode is about former-president Trump's racist ICE raids against Hispanic people (when I say "former", I say it thankfully).

The PROS: Zabryna Guevara as housemaid Anita Fuentes. I wish she received an Emmy nomination for outstanding guest actress for this role. Her role is captured perfectly in one exchange of dialogue, after Eve is put in the prison and embraces Anita, a soul she knows:

Eve: "I had no idea they would take you some place like this!" Anita (deadpan): "Yes you did. Where did you think they would take us... the Four Seasons?"

Zabryna Guevara is an actress who says so much with her face. She's someone to watch out for... Oscar-wise, mark my words.

ANOTHER PRO: It's unsaid in the episode that all the inter-dimensional aliens being kidnapped are all WOMEN. With every episode previously, everything is so blatant that one doesn't need to use their noggins to NOTICE things about the episode. Everything needs to be said. But not this point- this was outstandingly, and appreciatively, left for the viewer to figure out. THIS was an episode that at least let the audience figure something out on their own- it didn't treat its demographic as too stupid to understand what's going on. In fact, because it was left for the viewer to discover on their own, it raised more creepy questions than it answered, which in this case is a good thing.

The CONS: Production design is too blatant. We get it- it's the Twilight Zone. No need to ham-handedly deliver that to us visually.

ANOTHER CON: The ending, while not a twist that can already be figured out, just sort of ends. It feels very abrupt, and not in a good way, or a way that makes us think. It just sort of... ends. But like I said, at least the twist doesn't patronize the audience.

This is one of the better episodes, and Rod Serling would comment on the potential of it, if he were alive.

The Twilight Zone: Replay (2019) Season 1, Episode 3

Like the original Zone, it was hit or miss. Finally, a HIT.

[7/10 · 6 May 2021]

Finally, a simple premise meets a great execution. THIS is "The Twilight Zone".

Sanaa Lathan plays Nina, a mother accompanying her son on the trip to college, along with her trusty camcorder- recording every moment before he goes off for good. But after stopping in a cafe for lunch, a racist cop spots them and starts to follow them threateningly for no other reason than they are black. She begins to film the incident unfolding, but before anything bad can happen she accidentally presses REWIND- and the world rewinds her right back to the cafe where they were having lunch.

As the episode unfolds, it becomes clear that the cop is so racist that no matter how many times Nina rewinds or tries to outsmart him, he always finds a way to altercate them.

That's quite terrifying, and pertinent to everything happening today.

My favorite scene is in the middle, when Nina decides to mitigate the situation and apply to the cop's good side by buying him a slice of pie at the cafe to thank him for his "hard work"- almost like a Hail Mary. And she even sits down and speaks with him for a bit- while knowing the whole time who this man really is inside. Despite Nina's colloquial smile, one can tell how absolutely afraid she is for her son's safety and hers. It was a brilliantly directed scene that built tension in a way I've never seen done in the Zone.

The only critique of this episode is the somewhat-cheesy ending (which I still won't spoil). But this was the episode that made me think "You know, maybe this iteration of the Zone won't be so bad after all."

How wrong I ended up being. But at least this episode was a very good one. And I do wish Sanaa Lathan received an Emmy nomination for Guest Actress over Kumail Nanjiani. She had the better performance.

The Twilight Zone: The Comedian (2019) Season 1, Episode 1

The big ironic twist here is... "The Comedian" isn't funny at all.

[3/10 · 6 May 2021]

Kumail Nanjiani is hilarious in real life. He's normally hilarious in the roles he takes. But not this time.

Okay, at first that makes sense. He plays Samir, a stand-up comedian who can't write a funny joke to save his life- or make the audience (both us as viewers and the in-show audience) laugh or even chuckle. Sounds like Samir's the perfect candidate to enter the Zone, eh? Oh yes, because after meeting with a seasoned comedian played by Tracy Jordan- the unsaid "Devil" character who tempts Samir- Samir is then endowed with the power to cut from existence anyone that he tells a joke about. And THIS makes him finally funny and makes his audience laugh.

Except it doesn't.

I don't know what jokes the audience in the show is hearing that's making them roll in the aisles guffawing, but it's certainly not Samir's jokes. The writers of this episode don't know how to write comedy. As said in my whole review of the show, it feels like the writers wrote jokes that they thought a stand-up comedian would write, rather than just focusing on trying to be funny.

Because if they had put some actual jokes in the episode, this would've been the perfect start to "The Twilight Zone" 2019. A story that balances both comedy and creepiness. But there's no comedy, and without that to bring credibility to the character of Samir, the "creepiness" also falls as flat as the jokes.

How can an episode... called "The Comedian"... starring Kumail Najiani and Tracy Jordan... and helmed by Jordan Peele... be so embarrassingly unfunny?

The Twilight Zone: Blurryman (2019) Season 1, Episode 10

I'll keep it short and sweet...

[1/10 · 6 May 2021]

If the creators of a show are going to have a meta, self-congratulatory, self-pat-on-the-back type of episode, maybe the rest of the show should be good enough to warrant it.

But it's not. It's actually pretty oblivious and pretentious.

Also, what an enormous waste of an incredible cast.

The Twilight Zone: The Wunderkind (2019) Season 1, Episode 5

Every review I write for this show goes like this: "Could've been great, if the ending were better."

[5/10 · 6 May 2021]

This is an underrated episode. Not to say it's good, just that it's underrated.

The PROS: Jacob Tremblay does a very good job at being creepy. Very, very creepy. This is a much different turn than we're used to seeing him in, like cute inspiring roles in "Room" or "Wonder". Hats off to him, because Mr. Tremblay's the absolute best thing about this. Also, can't say this plot isn't timely. The blatancy of Jacob Tremblay essentially playing the Trump stand-in is, at least for me, kind of great. Let's be real, we knew there would be a Zone episode commenting on the Trump presidency. Well, voila.

The CON: Such languorous, hour-long (with ads) episodes should at least have a good payoff. This was not a good payoff (SPOILER: John Cho's campaign manager character, who initially fought for a kid to become president, then regrets his decision when he sees what a brat the kid is in the Oval Office. Kid gets tired of him, has him shot, and he wakes up to kid doctors about to operate on him because the president has banned all adults from having professional jobs). MAYBE the twist could've worked if the ending wasn't called back to every five minutes. Same reason no one cares for stories that start at the end and then cut to the beginning "Four Weeks Earlier..." schtick. At least without the callbacks, then the ending WOULD HAVE been a complete surprise. Good surprise? Not sure. But at least A SURPRISE would be welcome given the dismal twists this show's professed thus far. I think this episode was just absurd enough for an out-of-left-field ending to work, but they took the surprise out of it.

But again, good job Jacob Tremblay. You're a pretty versatile actor, and you're still just a kid. Good things in store.

The Twilight Zone: Not All Men (2019) Season 1, Episode 7

"The Twilight Zone" should have better twist endings than THIS.

[3/10 · 6 May 2021]

I see a lot of reviews criticizing the Zone for being too political. I actually don't mind the politics, as that's a hallmark of "The Twilight Zone". Rod Serling would take problems with society that need to be solved, and turn it into a metaphor for an episode. "Not All Men" definitely does that. And, like most of these 2019 episodes, it could've worked if the twist ending were... you know... good.

The premise follows: Meteors fall to earth, and this event inexplicably triggers the men of earth to become angry violent monsters. Taissa Farmiga and Rhea Seehorn are two women trying to outrun all the men in their lives who were at first "nice guys" and are now on a murderous rampage. That's not only a great Zone plot, but a relevant one. I'm all there for it. And I was all there for it too... for the entire hour. And then we get the dumbest payoff of any episode so far:

SPOILER: The meteor shower didn't matter, as it was all a placebo effect- all the men of earth are simply choosing to act like this.

Womp womp womp.

Imagine the iconic episode "The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street" ending with that instead of the perfect twist ending Serling crafted for it (which I won't reveal). Turns out, all of Maple Street was just "choosing" to riot because of a placebo effect. Thank goodness Serling had more gumption than that, because that timeless episode could have been as terrible as "Not All Men". And if I'm going to watch an hour-long episode, there had better be an amazing payoff.

ONE MORE THING: The placebo effect twist doesn't even make sense when you show a bunch of men bleeding from their eyeballs before that. That is most definitely NOT a placebo effect.

The Twilight Zone: A Traveler (2019) Season 1, Episode 4

"The Twilight Zone" works better when it's not patronizing its audience

[3/10 · 6 May 2021]

It already wasn't a good twist to begin with. "He's an alien" has been the twist ending of many Twilight Zone episodes already- and all of those were better executed than this one. I've had a lot of sarcasm built up about this episode, so it's all coming out now:

---We start off with a mysterious man (Steven Yeun) who appears out of the blue in a jail cell in Iglaak, Alaska, surprising the officers having a Christmas party upstairs. They ask him for his name, and he hands them a card that says "A. Traveler".

Gee... I wonder if that incredibly-on-the-nose name is trying to tell us something? Is he an alien?

He charms Captain Pendleton (Greg Kinnear) into letting him join the party, but Sergeant Mongoyak doesn't trust him. At the party, he reveals cool tech and powers that no human being should ever have.

Hm... it's almost as if... he's an alien?

The episode continues- A. Traveler does something weird, Sergeant Mongoyak distrusts him, Captain Pendleton brushes her concerns off, lather, rinse, repeat. At one point, Mongoyak catches Mr. Traveler taking his hat off- revealing some very alien-looking antennae.

But I'm still not quite sure... is A. Traveler... oh, I don't know... an alien?

Look, I know the suspense is just terrible, so I'll forgo the rest of the episode and spoil the big twist. Get ready... "A. Traveler" is... an... ALIEN! Shock and awe!

---All sarcasm aside, this episode hurts because it could've been really great. The premise and message of the episode is relevant. The acting was creepy. Cinematography was unnerving. If only the writers would put some effort into the craft of twist-endings. And if they're not going to do that, the least they could do is not tease it every step of the way like the audience is too blithely stupid to understand what's going on. "The Twilight Zone" works better when it's not talking down to its viewers.

The Twilight Zone (2019–2020)

Know what's cringeworthy? Teasing the twist ending 20 times in an episode like the writers think they're being stealthy.

[4/10 · 29 September 2019]

The older Zones are my favorites, and with Jordan Peele helming this third reincarnation my hopes were through the roof. I found myself trying to like the episodes more than I really did though. It's not for a lack of effort- the amount of care everyone puts into each detail is impressive and true to form. It's clear this is Mr. Peele's baby. But it's tough to get into the reboot of a show that prides itself on twist endings and mindblowing concepts when the reboot itself is predictable. Narratively, the predictability is a polar opposite to Serling's original series. Take "A Traveler" for instance- the moment we see Steven Yeun (who's successfully creepy in this role), it's pretty obvious he's an alien. It's cringeworthy that the writers continue to tease this twist, like it wasn't obvious from the get-go. Then the twist comes, and lo and behold, "A. Traveler" is an alien. Teasing a twist ending is a lot like trying to hide a sneeze. It's possible to hide two, or even three- but seven is pretty noticeable.

Ironically, the writers also don't know how to write comedy. With Kumail Nanjiani, "The Comedian" could've been a great episode if Samir's standup wasn't so blithely bad. He's pretty terrible from the start, which is understandable, but as he enters The Twilight Zone and "gets funnier", he doesn't actually get funnier. It feels like the writers wrote what they thought a stand up comedian would say. A stand-up comedian. Played by Kumail Nanjiani. In a show by Jordan Peele. But somehow... not a single funny joke.

For the most part, the show is cringeworthy and patronizing.

But at least it's still honest. Like the precursors, the episodes are hit or miss, with more misses- and out of these 10 episodes, only 2 really hit me ("Rewind", "Six Degrees of Freedom"). However, maybe that's a good sign? Maybe it means the next hit will be a real good one. I'll keep holding out, but I really hope I don't see anymore twists coming from a mile away.

The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012)

How did "The Oogieloves" go from 1.7 to 4.9? No seriously, how?

[1/10 · 12 August 2013]

Really, people?

I mean, I saw the movie. I saw it just to see how bad it was. Oh, I was not disappointed. And it seemed like at the time everyone else agreed on how bad it was, considering it had a 1.7 rating here on IMDb. About three quarters of a year later, here we are with 4.9? How did this happen?

So people just decide to up and suddenly praise this movie? Yep, seems likely. I did a little research on a lot of these "reviewers", due to outrage and a bit of summer boredom, I'll admit that right there. Here are my findings: Many of them were not only posted within a span of four days or so, but most of them have "The Oogieloves" as their only review ever made. Also, those accounts were made exactly one month and three weeks ago from today. What are the odds? Not to mention their usernames follow the format FirstnameLastnameNumber. Is it possible for everyone to just up and decide that? Poorly executed cover. Maybe this is true, and maybe it isn't, but to me it looks as if Kenn Viselman, the "marketing visionary", is getting desperate and is asking people to give his "film" good publicity. How else do you explain this sudden spike in votes and reviews? And if this really is true, then maybe Kenn was lying through his teeth when he said it "wasn't about the money". I mean, seriously. If it's not about the money, why the heck would you credit yourself as "marketing visionary" in the trailer? Does anyone see the irony in that? We're not that stupid. (Funny, I can imagine kids all over the world saying that to their parents when they saw the trailer.) Not to mention, if this is Mr. Viselman's way of compensating, then he must not be very good at his job. When you have to literally hire people to like your movie, then quit your occupation. That's like paying people to cheer you on at your baseball game. That's a bust. You've hit rock bottom, Kenn.

And this film truly deserves more bad views than it already has. Three over-sized, fully-clothed Teletub- er, I mean Oogieloves- go on a quest to find five magic balloons for their friend Schluufy. After all, it is his birthday (it is a he, right?). Okay, that's not a bad set up. It's simple enough. But we need to keep the parents entertained. Let's spice it up with some C-list celebrity cameos! I watch them sing and dance in this movie, and I bury my head in my hands, wondering "Why, Prince Wesley, why? Detective Kujan, what are you doing with your life? Doc Brown, if only you had your DeLorean to travel into your future and see this pile of dung!" It's sad, really. However, even when watching the movie, I think to myself "So what's so bad about this movie?"

It's not how poorly-made it is, how badly-written the songs are, or how embarrassing the cameos are. It's the fact that they think this is what kids need. Do children really need three crudely designed gigantors talking down to them (literally) as if they were stupid? This is WAY past pandering, it's babying. Many people would respond to this, saying "Oh abrown975, you've gone too far. It's just a kids movie. It doesn't have to be perfect." Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. "Oh come on, it's just a toy. It doesn't have to be perfect." "Lighten up, it's just a baby swing. So what if it's shoddily made?" "It's okay, it's just a pacifier. Why would it need to be child-safe?" Let me put things in perspective if I haven't done that accurately. Is "Barney's Great Adventure" a kids movie? Yes, and it was horrible. Is "The Lion King" a kids movie? Absolutely, but it's currently rated the #1 animated movie of all time on IMDb. What about "Mac and Me"? How great was that? Not at all. What about "Up"? Um, nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars, need I remind you.

Just because it's a kids movie doesn't mean quality has to be abandoned. Using "How can children tell?" as an excuse is just a blatant cop-out. It's laziness, no matter how "revolutionary" the idea is.

THAT'S why "The Oogieloves In the Big Balloon Adventure" is not only a horrible children's movie, but just a movie by itself.

And that's exactly why I say you should definitely watch it. WHAT A TWIST! Yes, that's right. Watch this horrible piece of poo. Watch it with your friends. Make fun of it. Have fun. This is the "Troll 2" of our generation. "Mystery Science Theater 3000" has prepared us for this exact moment.

Huh, maybe this was Kenn Viselman's plan all along to get viewers. Perhaps he really is a successful "marketing visionary" after all. Well played, Mr. Viselman.

This movie still sucks though, no matter how many PR people are telling us otherwise.

UPDATE: 6.3!

UPDATE 2: 7! This is unbelievable.

Will & Dewitt (2007–2008)

This show insults children's intelligence

[1/10 · 8 February 2011]

This is, quite frankly, a boring show. It stars a young child named Will who has a shape-shifting (Why?) frog named Dewitt. It's not pronounced "DeWitt", it's pronounced "Do it". So it's obvious that the frog helps Will "do" things. Why the producers thought that children aren't smart enough to determine that on their own is beyond me. They should have maybe picked a catchier and less obvious name. But anyway, Dewitt helps Will make the right choices through badly written songs (Just listen to the theme song) and boring scenarios. One scenario was where Will had a pair of pants that he really wanted to wear, but he didn't want to get them dirty. So he must choose whether he wants to wear them or not. For some reason he can't make up his mind, even though it's not a hard thing to choose and he and his annoying little talking forest friends (and "Do it", of course) are just making a complicated situation out of nothing, as an actual child isn't as incompetent. How? They sing a badly written and annoyingly childish (even for five year olds) song so appropriately named "Decisions". Not only is this a song one would find on Barney, but at least on Barney a song like that would have a good reason behind it (Ironic, this is Barney I'm talking about, which is to say Barney is more appealing than this show.). But why do they sing this song? Because Will cannot choose whether he wants to wear his pants or not. This is either lazy script writing or the producers don't think the kids are smart enough to handle situations like that. Either way, my neighbor's kids don't like it. When watching them for the parents, I was changing the channel asking what they would want to watch. I came across "Will and Dewitt", asking them if they wanted to watch that. The oldest one, being five years of age, just looked at the screen and said "No, it's a dumb show. It's not funny and it's boring all the time. It's for one-year-old babies." Those were his exact words (Give or take, but I know he said it was unfunny, boring, and for "one-year-old babies".). The other child, being three, just ran away to do a puzzle. So in conclusion, Will and Dewitt (remember, it's "Do it", not "DeWitt") is painfully dumb. It babies the children, it is painfully unfunny, the songs and scenarios are dull, babyish, and lack and imagination whatsoever, and it insults the intelligence of children. Let your child watch something that has better writing and is less babyish, like "Teletubbies" or "Barney", and no, that's not a joke.

The Polar Express (2004)

Not my first choice for a memorable Christmas movie, but still good

[7/10 · 6 February 2011]

When it comes to Christmas movies, some will always go down in history (i.e. Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, Charlie Brown Christmas, A Christmas Story, How the Grinch Stole Christmas...). The Polar Express, being a memorable Christmas book, has brought delight and holiday spirit to countless families across America, and maybe even the world. That being said, the movie isn't as memorable. Don't get me wrong, it's still great, but it's just not memorable enough. The special effects and animation are definitely top notch. Robert Zemeckis always astounds me in this field. The scenery will stun you. You will almost feel like you are at the North Pole. The music and songs are amazing as well. The song, which is however very memorable, "Believe" is always and will always be a treasure. And even some of the characters, mainly the ones Tom Hanks plays, are entertaining, and for a movie that talks about going to the North Pole, even believable. Now onto the flaws. Some of the characters are either quite annoying, like the kid with the big glasses (although that is of course on purpose, so I can't really be upset at that), or quite forgettable (like Billy or even the nameless main character himself). Perhaps if some were given names and more development, they would have been a bit more appealing. And then you have the story. It's not a bad one, as it manages to always get me in the Christmas cheer, but it is rather clichéd. The kids get on the train, and the main character doesn't believe in Santa. They get to the North Pole, and he decides he does believe, and he is chosen to get a gift of his choice. This story has been done numerous times (however, maybe they were based off the book's?). Whatever the reason, it does seem to be very clichéd and maybe even a bit lagging at times. But again, that doesn't make this a bad movie. It's a great movie, and everyone should see it at least once. It's just not the kind of movie I think one should buy because it's not as memorable as a lot of other Christmas movies. It is one you should rent though. But whenever you watch it, as an adult, as a kid, in the middle of July, it will always manage to get you in the Christmas spirit!

Ratatoing (2007 Video)

If you saw the one star I put, it's because that's as low as it goes. Trust me though, it goes in the negatives...

[1/10 · 16 January 2011]

This is crap. That is simply what it is. The executives at Video Brinquedo are just a bunch of plagiarizing, no-good, lying, effortless, dirty scumbag hacks and, believe me when I say you'll feel the same way after watching ANY of their films, I would totally laugh if any of them got arrested for copyright infringement and they had to become someone's b*tches in jail. That's how bad ALL of their films are. What's the first thing that comes to mind when I say the names of some of their films: Ratatoing, Gladiformers, What's Up: Balloon to the Rescue, The Little Panda Fighter, and The Little Cars. If you said Ratatouille, Transformers, Up, Kung Fu Panda, and Cars, you're right! They don't even try to hide the fact that they are stealing ideas! I don't know how they do things down in Brazil, but here in America that's illegal. But I might be a little less harsh on it if they bothered to put any effort into ANY of their movies. But they don't. None whatsoever. Here's Ratatoing as an obvious rip-off of Ratatouille. Yes, it's basically the same plot, a rat likes to cook so he owns his own restaurant. But this time it's not in Paris, it's in for some reason Rio De Janiero! WHY?! And if it's there, why are none of the names in Porteguese (or Spanish, pardon me if I'm wrong)? Continuity and congruency are the least of this movie's problems. The acting is bad. That's all I can say, as that's expected. The dialogue is epic crap. The animation is a billion times worse (This makes either that old Legend of Zelda computer game or the paper clip computer graphic on Microsoft Word look like Toy Story). There is nothing else to say that I haven't said already. There is no effort and it makes it look like no one tried. But here's the thing: the atmosphere of not trying is so big that it comes off as if they tried really hard to make it look like they didn't try hard. This isn't anything like "The Room" or "Star Wars: Holiday Special", where everything is so horrible that you need to see it for yourself. This is one of those "Avoid like the plague" instances. I hope Video Brinquedo is terminated and I really do hope that the scumbag executives get arrested for plagiarism and copyright infringement for EACH MOVIE THEY RIPPED-OFF!!!

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (2000 Video)

I would rather watch the Star Wars Holiday Special

[1/10 · 25 December 2010]

This is the worst Christmas special to ever air on television. There is this young kid named Jake Spankenheimer, who is just the most sickeningly-sweet and annoying kid you could ever see, whose Grandma, who sounds like she inhaled a tank of helium, was run over by one of Santa's reindeer. Yes, this is based on the novelty song. In fact, they even sing it in the beginning of the movie while everything is happening at the same time. The characters even say the freaking lyrics as they are doing what the song's lyrics describe. So, the movie REALLY wants to make sure that you know that it's based on the novelty song. But this movie puts a twist on the song, saying that the whole reason Grandma was run over was because of the in-your-face, b*tchy, fake-southern-accented, flamboyant villain cousin Mel, who tried to poison Grandma's fruitcakes which would somehow lead to Grandma selling the store which would make something... I don't know, I kind of stopped listening once I heard the title song. But it's not just the voices, or animation, or even the dialogue that make the movie bad, although they sure are contributors. It's the songs. One novelty song is enough, but we also have "Grandma's Spending Christmas Christmas With the Superstars", in which Grandpa sings about how he thinks Grandma is dead but isn't sad because he knows that she is in heaven having Christmas with Elvis, and... Elvis ('cause that's all he lists), but he sings it to jazz/rock 'n' roll. And also "Grandpa's Gonna Sue the Pants Off of Santa", which has cousin Mel and her accountant/lawyer/lesbian lover singing that Grandpa is (insert title here) because he's going to find out that Santa ran over her, and for some strange reason when they sing, they do it to tropical music/background while they wear samba outfits, spouting out the dumbest lyrics a novelty song could have: "Grandpa's gonna sue the pants off of Santa that's what grandpa's gonna do. Grandpas gonna sue the pants off of Santa. Cause grandma would have wanted him to. Grandpas gonna sue the pants off of Santa. He knows the law is on his side. Grandpas gonna sue the pants off of Santa. Santa's going for a ride! *Arriba*" Oh yeah, I'm gonna be humming that all week. But aside from that, the movie also rips off Miracle on 34th Street and other movies, has the stupidest villain ever, an annoying Grandma who thankfully gets run over by a reindeer, and little Jake, who is twelve (or whatever) yet still believes in Santa and is so annoyingly-sugary-sweet and good-hearted that I so dearly want a reindeer to run over him. Nothing in the special was right. It was boring, annoying, had horrible songs, had horrible voices, and it even had bad animation (Is that a dollop of whipped cream on Grandma's head? Oh wait, that's her hair). Skip this movie. This is the equivalent of finding a lump of coal in your stocking.

Funky Monkey (2004)

A martial arts monkey trying outwit an evil organization and help a nerdy kid get a date... that must've been some strong stuff the producers were on...

[1/10 · 14 December 2010]

Wow, just wow. It's weird how producers will create a movie without putting effort into it and some studio will accept the project without considering the potential of it, or lack thereof. So, I'm going to go ahead and summarize the whole movie for you: an intelligent, karate-chopping monkey is being used by a secret organization for evil, because hey, why do it the easy way with, you know, competent people, when you can go buy a monkey and train it for bad? But the monkey's karate-fighting trainer, played by the once-great actor Matthew Modine, breaks him out of his cage to save him and starts a new life near the beach. They also meet a new kid named Michael, who is played by Seth Adkins and gives an Oscar-worthy performance as a nerdy kid who can't get the girl (Or so he thinks! Hooray for foreshadowing!). And so they help him gain his confidence and even gives him a few tips on dating, because a martial-arts chimpanzee and his trainer are always the first things that come to mind when talking about dating. They even snag him a spot on the football team! But, OH NO! The bad guys are catching up with them at their house, but don't worry! It's only the two hilarious henchman that bring a barrel of laughs with them every time they do some clumsy antic, like picking up a burning piece of paper without realizing it and screaming! I near peed myself! It's funny because they could just drop the piece of paper and put it out, but where's the hilarity in that?! Ho ho, what a delightfully comical bunch of henchman! But meanwhile, Michael gets the girl of his dreams, all thanks to a bunch of confidence, perseverance, and most of all, teamwork! After all, he couldn't have done it without his friends, a monkey and his trainer! But then the movie takes a suspenseful turn when the monkey is kidnapped, and a scary doctor (Gilbert Gottfried, for some reason) hired by the evil organization is about to do horrible things to him! But I won't spoil the ending because I can tell you are about to jump up and go rent it this second. Oh hell, I can't help it, I just have to tell! They rescue the monkey, and all just in time for Michael's football game to impress his girlfriend! But uh oh! The henchman, their boss, and the other bad guys dress in football uniforms to go out onto the field and get the monkey, who is also playing on Michael's team (Gee, does that sound familiar? Maybe similar to that sports-playing retriever the Disney company has been capitalizing on for years?)! But don't worry, in a suspenseful action football fight, the good guys win! Whew, I was scared there for a second. And, that's pretty much it. But back in reality, what drug could possibly be strong enough to start the visions of one of the dumbest movies ever made? It has to exist, this movie is proof! Maybe the corporation thought making a movie with the coolest things in it would be a hit! Martial arts, evil organizations, gadgets, and monkeys, and you pretty much get what they obviously saw. Funky Monkey is one of the dumbest and most pointless movies I have ever seen. That's all there is to it.

Enchanted (2007)

One of the only movies that restores what little faith I have in Disney

[8/10 · 1 December 2010]

This is one of the best kids movies I have seen, as well as one of the best Disney movies. This is the kind of movie Disney should produce more often. First off, it is a strangely simple, yet amazing concept. When I was watching the trailer and it said "No other story has taken you to a land as strange and terrifying... as ours," I almost exclaimed "THAT IS YOUR MILLION DOLLAR IDEA, Disney!" It's so great because Disney is actually parodying themselves. It looks as though it might be a flop when you first see the typical, clichéd Disney princess, but then you see that she's going to be placed in our world! Not only does that sound strangely unique, but also it was one of the funniest movies I have ever seen (and that's saying something considering it's a Disney movie!)! All of the actors and actresses are PERFECT for their roles, especially Amy Adams (who captures the princess role perfectly), James Marsden (Same thing), and Susan Sarandon (Same). Patrick Dempsey is also perfect for the typical, normal guy living with his daughter. It is such a comedic piece and I recommend this film to anyone who has lost their faith in Disney. I know it may seem like it can't be restored with a lot of the movies they are coming out with today, but it will give you back some of your faith. It did for me.

Watership Down (1978)

One of the most traumatizing movies I have ever seen, but what a masterpiece

[8/10 · 27 November 2010]

This is such a brilliant animated movie. The animation is top notch because it has so much variety. Not only in color, but in style, and it all benefits the story perfectly. The story is creative and suspenseful, and that is saying something considering that this is a movie about rabbits. But it was written so brilliantly that it doesn't seem clichéd, cutesy, or lagging at all. The casting was perfect as well. With a cast like John Hurt, Ralph Richardson, and Zero Mostel among others, you must have high expectations. That being said, this is not a very good movie one would want to show their little ones unless they are sure they will be able to handle some of the images in this movie. There is a lot of bloodshed and a lot of other images and situations a child might find unsettling, ironically coming from a film about cute little bunnies. So be absolutely sure that your child can handle this. But whether they can or can't at the time, this is a beautiful film with such a captivating story and brilliant animation, and it should be watched by anyone who either wants to be an cinema-enriched film buff or just someone who likes a good story. Either way, it is a brilliant film and an underrated masterpiece.

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978 TV Movie)

This is the best special I have ever seen, truly riveting and captivating

[1/10 · 22 November 2010]

Boy this special really had me revved up for Christmas, because when you think of Star Wars, what else pops into your head but Christmas? And when watching, you can just see the relation to Christmas! A cooking show starring Harvey Korman definitely reminds me of Christmas! Grandpa Wookie in what looks to be some sort of futuristic pornography machine while doing what looks to be something vague in his lower half (if you catch my drift) just reeks of Yuletide cheer (Yes, that actually happened)! And what about just random parts of random randomness that are so captivating and reminiscent of Christmas AND Star Wars? Yeah those are great too! Everything was awesome! Harvey Korman made me laugh my head off in every scene he was in because everything he did was so funny and not boring or stupid at all! And the RELENTLESS wookie noises from both Chewbacca's family and wookie carolers just fills my heart with the goodness that comes every Christmas! And the regular cast from the original movie was a great addition as well, because they totally served a purpose! This was quite frankly THE BEST SPECIAL I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! Okay great, now take what I just said and imagine the EXACT opposite of it. Then multiply that times ten... and you still don't come close to being near the level of stupidity and boredom this special radiates. So if you decide to watch this, save yourselves by getting in front of the TV, taking a pot of boiling water, turn the volume on the TV as loud as you can, making sure it's on some loud and unfunny show, and then dump the boiling water all over you. If you do that, you might approach 1/20 of the pain and terror of watching this special. But better yet, don't watch it. Ooh its horrible.

Titanic: The Legend Goes On... (2000)

The absolute worst animated film I have ever seen

[1/10 · 8 November 2010]

Ugh, everything you could imagine was bad about the film. Since I like to do my reviews in lists, here we go:

1) It is a complete rip-off of James Cameron's Titanic, and tons of other movies. Okay, yes I know it's going to be the same story, but it has the same love story sub-plot with the male character being Kate Winslet and the female being Leo DiCaprio. The producer did not put any effort into this film at all. Not only that, but it has a rip-off on Pongo and Perdita from 101 Dalmatians, the mice characters from An American Tail, and many, many more.

2)The animation was the worst I have ever seen. Everyone was drawn ugly (ESPECIALLY the little girl crying about her ball), the talking animals (Yes, you read correctly. Talking animals on the freaking Titanic, and that isn't the worst part) were drawn as cartoons not keeping in sync with the human characters, and well, I'm ranting on about this when there is so much more to hate.

3)The plots are really annoying. Everywhere there's a subplot that just doesn't serve any purpose as the real story, or what should be the real story, is the Titanic! The subplots are so annoying and didn't entertain me.

4)The talking animals. Yes, here we go. There were talking animals. On the freaking Titanic. And the sad thing is, it's still not the worst part.

5)The total offensiveness of the actual movie. This is one of the most gruesome events in history, but we have singing animals who are also very racist (like the Mexican mice), annoying subplots that have nothing to do with anything, and anything else you can think of. Not only that, but at the end (SPOILER ALERT, although it won't make a difference because you won't want to see this movie anyways) when the little mouse is narrating how some of the characters that survived had a wonderful life after the sinking to cheery, clichéd music, he actually says "Here's hoping they have a happily ever after. See you soon!" The writers had the nerve to actually say "Happily ever after" after the GD SINKING OF THE TITANIC! Hundreds of people died that night in ice cold water! That is not a happy story, and that to me is the second most offensive part of this infuriating movie, and the first is number 6. My thought is the producer saw James Cameron's Titanic, thinking it was just a fairytale, and decided to make his own film for the kids. And that still isn't the worst part. But number 6 is. And the worst part of this offensive, horrible, infuriating movie is...

6)The rapping dog. There is a rapping dog in this film. I will say that again. There is a rapping dog in this film. A dog, in a jersey with a "T" on it to stand for "Titanic", that comes out of nowhere and decides to rap, horribly, for absolutely no reason at all (no exaggeration, there is nothing that promotes this dog to start rapping), and all of this happens in 1912, before this form of music has even been invented, on the ship that would soon sink and drag most of the passengers with it. A rapping dog. I'm speechless. I cannot even begin to fathom how pointless, stupid, and most of all, offensive this was.

Well, I'm finished. Bottom line is don't see this movie if you are reading this. Don't even do it to see how horrible it is (not even the rapping dog sequence, as tempting as it may sound). I am confident this is the worst animated film of all time, making Doogal look like The Godfather, and it is definitely one of the worst films of all time in my opinion. And the only reason I give this movie a 1 is because there is no choice for 0. This movie is worth 0 stars.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

You know what? I liked it!

[8/10 · 1 November 2010]

I think that compared to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, then yeah, this is nothing. Willy Wonka can never be beaten. But let's not think of this as a remake of the movie, but more as a adaptation of the book. It follows the book really well with a subplot thrown here and there so there's a little something we haven't already seen. Everyone says that this movie has no imagination compared to the other movie, but I think it has plenty of imagination! It's Tim freaking Burton! The factory looks like another world (and plus the chocolate river actually looks like chocolate and not colored water)! That, and the children and parents are good actors/actresses as well, they play their parts perfectly. And even though people say Johnny Depp was creepy in this movie, well I would only say his acting was less creepy than his make up and hairdo. Other than that, I didn't think he was that bad. Of course, no one can beat Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka no matter who is acting. But I think a lot of credit goes to Danny Elfman, who did the music for the movie. The actual music (and some songs) in the original is a lot better, but I think that the songs here(mainly the oompah-loompah songs) are better in this movie. They aren't just the same song/tune with a couple lyrics changed. They actually have new tunes and lyrics (that follow the book's lyrics a lot better as well). Sure, the original's were catchy, but these made the other characters they were sung to seem more as individuals and not just the uniform "bad people" that we know will get their comeuppance in the end, as in the original the others all got the same song with a couple different lines. Now again, nothing will ever beat the original Willy Wonka, but looking at this movie as just a movie (or adaptation of the book) and not a remake, it's pretty darn good and will probably make you hungry for chocolate by the end of the film...

Fred Claus (2007)

It's not a masterpiece, but it's certainly not bad

[7/10 · 15 August 2010]

This film is, to put it simply, a "Seen it once and it was okay" kind of movie. Honestly, this movie isn't bad at all. It's not great, but it isn't bad. The cast was full of stars, which was a good start. The acting was satisfying, considering that a lot of the characters didn't have a lot of inspiration to go on. The humor, which was the main thing I was worried about when I first saw the movie, was better than I expected. I will say that all of the sound effects (the cheesy ones from old Scooby-Doo cartoons) got really annoying after a while. In fact, I would have just gotten rid of them if I were in charge. But other than that, the humor wasn't bad at all. I laughed a lot, and I had the impression that since it was supposed to be a kid's movie it would be "fart-fart here and a fart-fart there, E-I-E-I-Oh great, another fart," but I was pleasantly surprised. But the thing I liked most about this movie is the message it gives. It just gives off that whole "Family at Christmastime" message that many people need to be reminded sometimes. Now, there are a lot of corny jokes that seemed to irk me a lot, sometimes the plot can get kind of silly (and that's saying something since this is a movie about Santa Claus and his family), and like I said before, the cheesy cartoon-ish sound effects get very irritating after a while. But other than that, there honestly wasn't a time that I got bored when watching this. Over all, this isn't a bad movie. It's not great, but it's not bad. My opinion is it's a good movie to rent someday for a family movie night.

The Sixth Sense (1999)

An absolutely brilliant masterpiece in every aspect it utilizes

[9/10 · 13 August 2010]

There are only a handful of movies out there that have everything in it. Thankfully, this movie is one of them. What I mean by that is it has the horror (the absolutely creepy/terrifying type, not the crappy something-pops-out-and-startles-you junk), the sadness (Jesus, I pretty much just end up feeling sorry for every character), the happiness (and when the happiness comes, you feel so genuinely happy and warm that you could cry), and the best part- the twists (the kind that hits you like a ton of bricks, not some stupid, run-o-the-mill misleads and whatnot). But that's not all. The acting was beyond superb. Bruce Willis was spectacular as the main character, Dr. Malcolm Crowe. I honestly think an Academy Award nomination should have been given for him. But the Academy made up for that in giving, first off, Toni Collette a nomination. She had such a great performance as the distraught mother who only wanted a normal life for her son. But the real praise should go to young Haley Joel Osment, who also had an A.A. nomination, but should have won in my opinion. I will not go into depth because there is just not enough good things to say about his absolutely brilliant performance. The only thing I will say is that he had one of the most convincing and emotional performances of anyone I have ever seen, and he was only 11 at the time! However, a lot of the applause should go to M. Night. Shyamalan, whose writing and directing just goes to show that when he has the right material, he can REALLY make it work! I really hope he gets more opportunities to show off his talent, let's just hope he doesn't do anymore TV show remakes (The Last Airbender was just plain awful). This movie is such a beautiful masterpiece, and that's saying something considering it's a horror film!

Spy Kids 3: Game Over (2003)

My eyes hurt horribly when I saw this movie. Oh yeah, and the 3D sucked too.

[2/10 · 5 August 2010]

The only thing I hate more than an abomination of a movie is an abomination of a movie in 3D. So basically, you still get the abomination, except now you have random crap flying at your face at the same time. And this was back when theaters were using those annoying red-and-blue glasses that always made your eyes throb, so now it's an abomination with random crap flying at your face in variations of reds and blues that don't mix with each other. Wow, pass the popcorn. But don't think the graphics bombed because of the glasses. Even without the glasses, the graphics were pretty cheesy. Come on, the Tron/Speed Racer wannabe race practically smelt of cheddar. But we're just getting warmed up, because there's more! The acting reeked of inexperience, ironically coming from the cast who worked in the past Spy Kids movies, with a lot from those three weird players in the game and that girl in the purple suit. But the one who just stunk the most was the villain, who was played by Sylvester Stallone (What? Stallone acting badly? Whodathunkit?). But if that wasn't enough, Robert Rodriguez had to put in cameos of past characters at the end, which was kind of stupid because most of them didn't say anything or had anything to do with the movie. But everyone from the other movies had to come in for the absolutely boring and stupid ending so that the movie could stay true to the whole "Family is Everything" theme. But that just makes it so it's almost as if the characters just forgot what happened in the whole movie and everyone suddenly changed emotions and lived happily ever after. So, I guess all the mistakes have been covered, right? WRONG! The music sounded like it was played off a keyboard (it probably was), and that would be fine considering this is a movie about a video game, but it also had horns and violins that sounded so synthetic that it just screamed out "We spent all the money on cheesy 3D graphics, so we had little to none left for the music!" So, you name it, it sucked. Dialogue sucked. Acting sucked. Graphics sucked. 3D sucked. Ending sucked. Music sucked. But these are just examples of the thing that sucked the most: the directing. It was as if everything was thrown together with little effort. It certainly came off as if Robert Rodriguez thought that since people came to see the first two movies, he could just take a crap on green screen, put it in 3D, and people would come to see it. Well, in conclusion, this just a horrible film. The only things that are giving it a 2/10 are the cameos (even though they were just pointless) and the fact that the film at least had the decency to not put in any cheap fart/poop jokes. I really hope Mr. Rodriguez makes a better movie because I think he's a great director when he has the right chance or material (the same can be said for Mr. Stallone as an actor). But as for this movie, do not buy it, do not rent it, do not even watch it on TV if it's on. It is that bad.