vjuhoh Reviews

The Shadow Men (1997)

Torture Device

[14 July 2004]

I recorded The Shadow Men to my DVR about two months ago, and I still have yet to delete it. Every time I have a friend over who hasn't seen it, I force it upon them. By the end credits, many of them are shivering in a fetal position under the kitchen table.

Because of this sadism (or could it be masochism), I've probably seen The Shadow Men more than any other person on the face of the Earth. And I still don't have any desire to delete it.

Everything in the movie hits the perfect "bad film" note. But what I would like to give special mention to, is Eric Roberts. His "father of the year" performance will leave you rolling on the floor.

If you're at all into B-films with plenty of groan worthy moments, let this one abduct you the next time it airs.

The Invisible Boy (1957)

Pleasantly odd.

[14 July 2004]

Such a strange film. One that doesn't really know which gimmick to run with: the super computer, the borrowed and infamous Robby the robot, invisibility, or space travel. It's a schizophrenic jumble of the time's sci-fi staples, with absurdly weak links. Still, I can't say it was ever dull.

One thing that struck me about this picture, was the dry humor involving the Scientist father. He reacts almost casually to his son's sudden intelligence boost and invisibility. It comes off like a satire of the Cleaver-type family, and was a welcome surprise.

Give this one a chance if you catch it on Turner Classic Movies one night. But I wouldn't recommend seeking it out for purchase.

The Food of the Gods (1976)

Riffer's Cornucopia

[10 June 2004]

Unless they ignored the low rating given to this film by the IMDb collective, or they don't realize what genre it belongs to, the readers of this mini-review already know The Food of the Gods is a bad film.

But that doesn't mean it isn't a good time.

This ranks up there with the best of riffing fodder. There are just so many movie moments in this picture that are mind-numbingly illogical, I promise tears streaming down cheeks sore from laughter.

How can one not appreciate the unintentional humor of a hero that does nothing but make his and everyone else's situation worse? Or, that the person who is supposed to be the villain, Ralph Meeker, is the only one with a lick of sense! His character actually serves as a fellow riffer half the time. Throw in some mild animal brutality (Drinking Game: take a shot whenever a paintball blast sends a rat flying), and you've got the complete movie masochist package.

Shelter Island (2003)

No Sanctuary Here

[25 April 2004]

This movie is an elementary school production. Everything about it exudes an immaturity and lack of sophistication that can be overwhelming if you aren't expecting it. Still, I suspect some people can enjoy this freshman effort. It all depends on which part of the audience you belong.

Are you one of the people obligated to like it, like parents watching their child up on the stage? Are you an Ally Sheedy fan filled with false hope that she's finally making a return to decent film like High Art? Are you a lesbian sexploitation fan anticipatory that maybe this bad sex scene isn't the only one in the film? Or are you that diehard thriller fan who, during the end credits, is still looking for a redeemable moment of tension? If you could potentially be any of the above. stay away.

I suspect most of you will be the bored sibling in the crowd who was forced into watching this crummy play by a loved one. If this happens to be you, try your best to endure it, and maybe later seek sweet revenge by subjecting this loved one to a bad film you enjoy.

And the few of you who might genuinely have a blast with this film, are the teenagers who sneak into the back of the auditorium to make fun of the little kids on-stage. For you guys, this movie is great riffing fodder. A true treat to the MST3K crowd, and only for you can I recommended Shelter Island.

Stealing Christmas (2003 TV Movie)

Not So Bad Santa

[10/10 · 1 December 2003]

Stop me if you've heard this one before. A wisecracking thug, Tony Danza, finds himself running from the law after a botched mall heist. He's able to escape using a Santa suit, and boards the first bus out of the city. 50 miles away in the tiny town of Evergreen, a case of mistaken identity lands him a job playing Santa at Lea Thompson's Christmas Tree yard.

Enter a wealth of typical small-town personalities: The independent Christmas Tree yard owner who doesn't take any crap. A rebellious daughter named Noel. The flirtatious waitress. The dutiful cop. The jealous boyfriend-wannabe who suspects Danza is more than he appears. And Betty White in the same role she's played in every film post-Golden Girls.

As you might expect, Danza soon realizes that he can take advantage of the town's goodwill and naivety. He recruits a demolitions expert, and plans to rob the town blind when the bank vault is full on Christmas Eve. That target date gives him enough time to grow closer to the townsfolk. And the sincerity of his new friends, and perhaps a little bit of Christmas spirit, begins to melt that cold exterior.

Will Tony Danza go through with the heist? Will Tony Danza fall in love? Will Tony Danza ever shake his Who's the Boss character? There's only one way to find out. Catch this formula effort the next time it's on USA. If you aren't expecting much more than your typical Yule Tide Movie of the Week, you should be satisfied.