dantheman696969 Reviews

From Hell (2001)

From Hell should go back.

[2/10 · 5 March 2010]

This is one of the worst films I have ever seen. Johnny Depp is normally outstanding, but in this he is woeful. His accent is all of the place and the script is modern not period. Robbie Coultrane took the money and run as he gave his best ever Cracker performance.

This Jack the Ripper mystery is incredibly dull. Johnny Depp plays a detective with clairvoyant powers, and you might think those powers would come in handy when looking for Jack the Ripper, but you'd be wrong.

Heather Graham (who's accent also slips out - when it should be her tits)is gratingly out of place as a prostitute her colleagues all look like hags while she looks like a model.

It doesn't more pompous and poor as this.

Craig (2008)

Poor everything

[2/10 · 5 March 2010]

If you're inclined to forgive such understandable faults like amateurish acting, lazy story, bland camera-work, uninspired direction etc. The this dull lifeless psycho thriller (I laughed) film, just might be for you.

CRAIG bored me to death and I cannot possibly force myself to take it more seriously than it took itself. CRAIG is a dull character meandering through a dull plot that's shot and directed in an entirely dull way and I can't think of a single reason why anyone would want to watch this.

I'm sorry. I wanted to like it, but it lost me at 'hello' and it kept sinking from there towards a thoroughly silly ending never to surface for a single breath of fresh air.

The good bit if you like seeing naked hookers, tarts ET AL getting what they deserve - You might take yourself to hand in the dark with a tissue.

Precious (II) (2009)

One of the best of the year

[9/10 · 5 March 2010]

Nothing quite prepares you for the rough-cut diamond that is "Precious." A rare blend of pure entertainment and dark social commentary, this shockingly raw, surprisingly irreverent and absolutely unforgettable story of an obese, illiterate, pregnant black Harlem teen circa 1987 is one that you hope will not be dismissed as too difficult, because it should not be missed.

"Precious: Based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire" is dark and disturbing and the thought of what young women like precious go through around the world on a daily basis is more horrific and any movie could or should be.

Gabourey Sidibe is an impressive newcomer and tackled the roll form the heart. My favourite performance though was Mo'Nique who delivered an award winning performance as Mary her mother.

This is a great film on every level

Watchmen (2009)

It's long - Too long

[5/10 · 5 March 2010]

I watched it and it lost me. It was better in the second hour, but the whole problem was it was too long and drawn out. I never read watchmen and it didn't inspire me to either. It's brilliantly shot and executed, but it's not quite anything.

Jackie Earle Haley as Walter Kovacs/Rorschach was my favourite performance and thought his characterisation was the most compelling.

Once again one feels that the studios when they make something with this amount of SFX and cash pumped into it they want the maximum amount of screen time - But if someone would only knock this down to a 100 minutes it would possibly have been a very enjoyable film

The Stink of Flesh (2005 Video)

No real Zombie could be as wooden as these actors.

[3/10 · 5 March 2010]

Well you've got to admire there guts for making this 3ooo dollar film - But at the end of the day - It's not scary, it's not sexy, it's just crap.

I'm sure Kurly Tlapoyawa can do stunts, but he'll never be able to act as long as he has a hole in his bottom.

Having said that they all have guts for standing up and making it and getting it out there. So for that I couldn't give it a one.

The one bit I love is the very sexy zombie stashed in the Dunny/outhouse for sexual gratification. It's nice to see that her body doesn't deteriorate no matter how long she hangs around.

Eyes Wide Open (2001)

Never Put you Pants on Back to front

[2/10 · 26 February 2010]

Nicely shot this and the acting is pretty good too, but I guess it was meant to be amusing and... Well... It just isn't.

How she couldn't remember not getting home, not getting shagged and not knowing that the bed she woke up in was her own simply says the writer hasn't got a clue and the director thought he had - Fortunately it was the same guy for the writer.

The disorientation as it's saving grace, but content and entertainment nil point. As mentioned the main actors are pretty good, so it's not a complete waste of time. The camera work is very professional - so assumed that Alan Entwistle got himself a good team to save the day.

The Damned United (2009)

This is a great film

[9/10 · 26 February 2010]

This is one of the best films of the year. Michael Sheen is outstanding in his portrayal and the only quarry I have with the film is that though Timothy Spalls is an excellent actor he just isn't Peter Taylor, a quiet charming and handsome man.

Leeds United - the most hated football team in the UK have been at the receiving end of the FA for years. Don Revie achieved what few people could have and the greatest manager that England never had went in so ham fisted that it spelt disaster before he opened his mouth.

This is football fans delight and anyone who loves gritty true stories will be compelled by it.

The Spell (2009)

How did this get any kind of release

[1/10 · 26 February 2010]

It's hard to know where to start. The first question is why I braved the afternoon to go and see this. I was hoping for a slice of gritty Northern life and got shock - It wasn't gritty, it wasn't good, it was - well nothing.

The story is supposed to be based around a truth - If you say so Mr. Jones! This limp effort could have been written by a five year old, shot by a chimp and edit by anyone in a Leeds cemetery.

This dull effort begins with Jenny (Rebecca Pitkin), a troubled teen from a broken home, committed to a psychiatric hospital, claiming demonic possession. Seems after she broke up with her boyfriend Rick (Pietro Herrera) he was snapped up by Jenny's main love rival Kate (Laura O'Donoughue), a witch. Kate, who likes stripping off and chanting,helps Rick place a spell on Jenny so that she'll fall in love with him again. Yes, you read that correctly: Kate has finally wrested Rick from her rival... and then goes to the bother of trying to magically reunite him with his ex-girlfriend. Why? Why? Why? Never mind, nothing else makes the slightest bit of sense.

Avoid this like the plague!

Lycanthropy (2006 Video)

Everything but the final product

[2/10 · 26 February 2010]

Kevin McDonagh's Lycanthropy felt like an eternity. Every scene is twice the length it should be. The makers have clearly decided that having gone to great trouble sourcing out numerous locations and corralling crowds that are going to get their money's worth and include all of the resulting footage. The film holds you hostage for 108 minutes.

It appears polished on the outside but at the centre is a flaccid premise and dull script. The actors are professional and it is an absolute wonder that they are able to deliver the bland lines so earnestly.

Lycanthropy might only appeal to the population of Birmingham who will no doubt get all excited at the recognition of locations from around the city not often caught on film, their clubs and sex shops.

A waste of time, effort and money. I feel dreadfully sorry for the actors.

Mental Scars (2009 Video)

Nice idea

[2/10 · 26 February 2010]

The story here is about a junkyard called Taggart's Automotive, now owned by Lanucci Development who plan to make it into a parking lot. The previous owners Betty and Gus Taggart used to live in the old house on the property with their kids.

One day they get an eviction notice on their door and are distraught to think that they are going to lose everything. The Taggart's one son David had some severe mental illness. Joshua his brother constantly tormented his older brother in any way he can.

Dedra Lanucci is the head at Lanucci Development and will cut your throat for a dime! Kennedy Smith is the accountant for the company that accidentally finds out the junkyards torrid past through a gossiping neighbour.

David Taggart creeps through the junkyard, knife poised. He preys on anyone who steps foot in the junkyard and you can tell it's him because of that signature way he nervously plays with his bloody hair.

This would have been better served by someone who could write dialogue, someone who could direct and someone who could edit. The premise of the film is good, but the end product isn't. Sonny Langham adds a little name to it's credibility. But over all it looks like what it is a really bad Video.

Panacea (2009 Video)

And I thought that aspirin was the universal panacea!

[8/10 · 26 February 2010]

There's a sickness in the world and Conrad Turner plays the man that has suffered for years with the agony of a pain in the neck. His luck changes though when he accidentally falls through the doors of a bar and into another world. The barman just happens to be an achohologist - I like the idea of that - and can cure the man of all his evils and pains.

This is a quirky little short, made for nothing but having plenty of entertainment value. I really love the idea of a Man for No Reason... This made me laugh. I also like the sound track Spybeat by the Langhorns and Bring Me Sunshine from Morecambe and Wise - I think they should be down as on the soundtrack.

Very amusing and well acted.

Trick or Treat (2001 Video)

Short Sharpe and Sweet

[9/10 · 25 February 2010]

This really amused me. I saw it on the back of a DVD of Call of the Hunter - Which is a really good film.

Both are very low budget, both have high production value for the money and Anthony Straeger keeps his tongue firmly in his cheek. I hope this guy does well. Compared to a lot of stuff this is better than most. I especially like the deliberately out of focus whipping section at the end - nice touch.

I wonder if Jeffery Archer ever saw this - I wonder if he would laugh! I have tried to search out a copy of his other short - Panacea - But that doesn't seem to be around - Shame.

Call of the Hunter (2009)

More history than you can shake a stick at!

[9/10 · 25 February 2010]

This is a really good film - It has lots of content and in that I mean, plot, story etc. The premise is set around the Legend of Herne the Hunter (Who was also featured in the Robin of Sherwood series - and badly!) The protector of the forest and heroic Game Keeper of Richard 11. It's a film that packs a lot of information about the legend of Herne and covers the aspects a little Shakespeare to boot from the Merry Wives of Windsor - The monologue performed by Ralph (Don McCorkindale) What a great actor and what a fabulous voice.

There are flaws in this film but for such a small amount of money, I don't know how they achieved this. I saw the short that came on the DVD and like the humour that Anthony Straeger, the director injects into his pacey and action packed production.

There are a few other performances I'd like to mention, Dan (Michael Instone) Holds the humour card and plays it to great effect, Tamsin (Sarah Paul) is a first rate actress how holds the production in check all the way through. Max (Jonathan Hansler) A cameo role but his delivery is fabulous.

What can I say - I really enjoyed this and don't begrudge a cent of it. This will stay in my collection - unlike some.