Change Your Image
PlayaHayta
Reviews
House of the Dead (2003)
More like House of Pooh...
This movie is bad...And not bad in a way that it manages to still be entertaining. Just bad. I mean, it's worse than...No, this could, quite possibly, be the worse movie I've ever seen.
Stick to something you're good at SEGA...Oh wait, you guys aren't even good at that anymore. Man you guys suck.
And what's the point of putting out of work soft-core actresses in your movie if you're not going to show any naked breastesses?
Pieces of April (2003)
More like Pieces of Pooh...
Nice to see that guys with pedigree enough to lure real acting talent to a $300 thousand movie can only manage to produce a totally conventional product that embodies everything I hate about independent films. It's not subtle. I knew the mom had cancer the moment I first saw her...It wasn't necessary to see her ralphing in the toilet 14 times. And the attempts at comedy were, well...suck-ass. What's up Peter? About a Boy was funny.
I don't know. Maybe if Joey had flashed her boobs like she did in The Gift this thing wouldn't have felt like a complete waste of time.
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (2002)
Two words...Awesome!
I know that's only one. Say it twice.
Clooney's directorial debut is pitch perfect...
And Sam Rockwell, as always, shines so bright I had to wear my shades in the darkened theater. He was robbed of an Oscar nomination.
Drew Barrymore delivers one of the best performances of her surprising career.
And man do I hate Julia "Horse Face" Roberts.
And why was this not nominated for an Academy Award for cinematography? I thought Clooney was one of the popular kids...Batman wasn't his fault guys. The cameos felt a little masturbatory, but hey, if I was friends with Matt Damon and Bradd Pitt, I'd put them in my movie, too.
There were even boobs in this one...A little too much of Rockwell's a**, for my taste. At least he had the wherewithall to wax.
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
GAY!
I read the books...Or at least two of them...and the Hobbit, and there was never any mention of Hobbits being queer. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But by about the 9 and half hour mark of this tedious geek fest, it became clear that the whole of Middle Earth just wanted some d**k.
The battle scenes were pretty damned cool, but Peter...seriously...this would have been a much better piece at two hours and 15 minutes. Instead it's just a piece.
I don't know why, but I was really hoping to get a look at some elf boobs...That would have made all the difference. Or if Lo-Pan had shown up and torn a**.
The Matrix Revolutions (2003)
Where are the Wachowskis?
This is the weakest of the three films, and proof that The Matrix was never really meant to be a trilogy. Oh I'm sure that the brothers (I think they're actually brother and sister now) had ideas for films past the first one, but two sequels was really just wishful thinking. The ending sucked...It reminded me of the Abyss. What a monumental disappointment. And I kept expecting Agent Smith to bust out a Terrance Stamp impression right before his inexplicable demise..."Kneel before me, Neo! Kneel before Zod!"
There's some nice moments during the Zion siege, but no genuine holy sh*t moments like the Morpheus Rescue or the Freeway Chase.
Going back a little bit to the second film, though...Where the hell did the guys who made Bound and The Matrix go? Because Reloaded and Revolutions didn't LOOK like they were directed by the same guys...er...guy and girl...er...people.
I'd like to take a big, steamy dump on this film, because that's what it did to me during the final act.
Insignificant Other (2002)
Not sure which movie these chumps saw.
They're probably friends and family of the filmmaker.
I was very disappointed in this film. It has all the visual style and production value of an amateur softcore, but there's not one breast to be found...NOT ONE. Corrigan needs to stick to writing, but only after taking a few more classes in story structure. You can't just come out of left field with a crazy twist at the end of a movie and call it a potboiler. You gotta build up to it. The dialog is pretty good, but unfortunately, the people reciting it are not. It's painful to watch some of these performances. The one saving grace is Brandon Howe. Here's a guy
just bubbling over with potential. You can see in his face that he's having
trouble swallowing the crap this film is offering, but he manages to deliver an impressive performance.
I know this film was shot for practically no money, but that doesn't mean the filmmakers deserve a pat on the back. This is a prime example of just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
Now, put a couple pairs of boobs in there...maybe some girl on girl action, and you got yourselves a movie my friends.
Dog Soldiers (2002)
Horrible fun...
This and "Ginger Snaps" have breathed new life into the werewolf genre. "Dog Soldiers" is a nice blend of humor, action, and horror. The creature designs are damn good, but execution of the effect falls short. This isn't too distracting, though, because they never give you a good clean look at the thing ala "Jaws" or "Alien"...which I dig.
Well directed, well shot, well played.
Could use some naked chicks, though.