X_Azathoth_X Reviews

Teeth (I) (2007)

Slow. And dull.

[3/10 · 14 June 2010]

The best word I can think of to describe this movie is slow. Everything here is slow. What is this movie? Is it a comedy, horror, or a horror comedy? I don't know, because it fails on both levels. First, let's get one thing out of the way; you know this movie is about a girl with teeth in her hoohah, but you're never going to see it. That part is never shown, it's left to the imagination. We assume it's a mutation caused by the nuclear plant in the distance (which has the biggest cooling towers ever created on Earth.) So is there horror here? Not really, because you know what's coming about 10 minutes ahead of time, and it's not scary. Just gross, with members being dismembered. And it seems as though having your member removed has widely different effects on people. It will kill some guys, while some shriek in pain, and some just have a dumbfounded sort of look on their faces. So it's not scary. Is it funny? No, not at all, because it's so predictable, and the characters are 2D at best. The lead goes from chaste abstinence girl to skank in 2 days, with no real moral dilemma. It just didn't seem thought out very well past "let's have a girl with teeth in her hoohah, and she'll chop off some man junk". I mean, there's a scene where she peels a censor sticker covering female genitalia in a textbook to see what normal people look like, then goes online to search for something. Really? You couldn't have used the internet to look at the 8 bazillion pages with female genitalia? It was an interesting idea that falls flat.

Malice in Wonderland (2009)

Interesting

[8/10 · 15 February 2010]

I had never heard of this movie so I had no idea what to expect (other than some Alice in Wonderland reference), and I was pleasantly surprised. I only know Maggie Grace from her role as one of the worst characters on Lost, so I was also surprised that I could see her on film without hoping she'd get hit by a bus (I guess that means she's a good actress?) There are some truly zany characters in the movie, and you just have to roll with some of the situations, but all in all it kept me entertained from start to finish. I was kept involved enough in the story and travels of Alice that I really didn't see the ending revelation until it happened (most of the info was alluded to but never really exposed). I wouldn't call it a romance, or an action flick (although there are some violent scenes), it sort of defies description, but it's worth a watch.

Smokin' Aces 2: Assassins' Ball (2010 Video)

Incomprehensible mess

[2/10 · 14 February 2010]

I don't ask much from my action flicks. Good action, decent effects, but mostly a world that maintains consistency. In Crank, it was over the top craziness, but the movie world was set up that way, so you went with it. In this movie, you have ridiculous breakdowns in motivation and the stale 'It's the government' plot. I'm not sure I've ever met any paid assassins so I can't say for sure, but I'd bet quite a bit that during a hit, they wouldn't form an instant love affair after knowing each other for 10 minutes. They also wouldn't charge blindly into a firefight. I think this movie wins the award for most bullets fired in a confined space without hitting a target. The writers needed to fit pieces together so they had characters act contrary to what they're developed as, the hallmark of a truly bad writer. ie, she's a hitwoman, but we need her dead so she'll charge into a firefight. He's a hit-man but we need him dead, so he'll run into a group of 3 heavily armed people after they killed the woman he met an hour ago. I mean really, if the govt hired these people (the Tremors? Really? The govt hired the Tremors?), do you think they'd need to set something up to kill them all (and why would they hire people when we have special ops specifically trained for this sort of thing)? The ending was epic in it's awfulness, both in the total failure of logic (bomb goes off at 3AM but I'll wait around until light before I split), and in the actions of the main character (who was magically transported to the right place at the right time). Even with my brain in action movie mode, this insults my intelligence. Watch the Transporter or any Guy Ritchie movie, you'll be far more entertained.

Frat Party (2009)

Terrible

[1/10 · 9 January 2010]

I'll try to make this as objective as possible, even though I wasted the last hour or so watching this movie. First off, to compare it to American Pie or Road Trip is ludicrous. The budget, camera work and acting in those movies are so far in advance of this it's not even in the same category (and those movies weren't Citizen Kane, you know?)

The plot is about some dude who's scored with tons of chicks who is now settling down with 'the one' and getting married after graduation. Trouble is, the last frat party of his college career is the night before the wedding so he has to miss the family dinner which is the same night as well (in real life, this is a no brainer, you go to the dinner). He talks his girlfriend (who has painfully thin legs) into letting him go to the party.

If you think you're going to see awesome party scenes with craziness all over, you've come to the wrong place. I've been to frat parties in the middle of the year that are more kickin than the one they have. Seriously. There are 30 people there. That's the problem with this whole movie. It's so low budget it's painful. The wedding where she has 270+ people attending has around 10 leaving the church. You're telling me the director and actors couldn't find friends to fill it? Homeless people? Anyone?

And the movie is around 60 minutes, the other time is spent with montages of Napa valley wine images or driving scenes that may or may not have the main character's car in it (no kidding). The characters behave in ways that no person in real life does, and the wedding business is the icing on the cake. Your boyfriend didn't show up in time, so here, marry this other dude who your dad (they couldn't find a real Italian dude?) invited, even though you don't really like him. And he's been banging your sister.

The writer of this movie needs his writing license revoked for the good of humanity. I didn't laugh, or even chuckle once during this mess. I didn't even think 'that was sort of funny'. If you're not stoned out of your gourd, for the love of all that's holy stay away from this movie.

The Million Dollar Hotel (2000)

What is this mess?

[1/10 · 21 December 2002]

Perhaps I'm just a simple person, but I prefer movies that somehow make me care about the people in them. I couldn't care less about anyone in this movie. This was supposed to be a comedy? Maybe the humor was too subtle for me (all the way down to the nano-level). The thing about it is, it missed on so many things. There were characters that could have been funny, but they weren't. There were characters that you could have liked, but you didn't. For instance, the guy who thought the Beatles ripped off his songs. There was so much potential there, but all he did was talk like a Beatle and complain about how they ripped him off. Haha. And the previous poster talked about the 'I am the Walrus' scene like it was special. What? He played 'I am the Walrus' on an old piano and sang out of tune. Is there an inside joke there? It sure stank at face value. This movie has the feel to me of a movie people say they like because it sounds 'intellectual' or 'hip' to say you like it, that you get the whole metaphysical art/garbage message the artist is expressing. If you want to be entertained, stay away.