meryles Reviews

Dragon Against Vampire (1985)

Is it a DaDA masterpiece?

[8/10 · 11 December 2002]

Okay, first of all, this movie confused me so utterly the first ten times i saw it that i had to just keep watching it until it made sense. I wondered (and still do) if the people who dubbed it for release in the US even owned a translation, or if they just made all the dialogue up on the fly. But honestly, DRAGON AGAINST VAMPIRE has EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! It has a magic kung fu master who scampers around on his hands because he never leaves full lotus position. When we first meet him, he seems to be living underground. There are random flashbacks that are difficult to distinguish from dream sequences or all the other random parts of the movie. There is a fat man who pounds his belly a lot and cooks and eats a dog. Suddenly the waitress' pants fall down. And then they are haunted. Random bad things happen. There are bells and strings on the ground. What's going on? Why are their faces on the billboard? Why is that man trying to beat them up on the side of the road? Good god, is he escaping on top of a giant tortoise or is it a motor-propelled log? What is going on?????????

Anyway, Do you get my drift here? Eventually i understood what it all meant and how it fit together (as you will too, with time and patience), but if you put your intellectual sensibilities aside for just a little while, this is one of the greatest, most nonsensical pieces of cheap cinema ever available for $3.99 at your local five-and-dime (i bought mine at Woolworth's before they went out of business and have never regretted it for a moment!!!!). I strongly recommend this movie to everyone with a good sense of humor, a loose grip on reality, and an alcoholic beverage (or else a peculiar friend who never stops laughing and can speak in funny voices).

Modern Vampires (1998 TV Movie)

An Excellent and (ahem) Biting Satire

[10/10 · 11 December 2002]

All right, so there are plenty of vampire movies. There are even a number of comedic flicks in the genre. But unlike juvenile tripe such as "My best friend is a vampire" and "love at first bite," "MODERN VAMPIRES" truly excels as a quality adult horror film, ripe and rife with sparkling wit, clever innuendo, hot and sexy vampire vixens, excellent acting, and art direction of a caliber that allows genuinely qualified comparison to major hollywood studio pictures. And unlike "Dusk til Dawn," there was actually good writing and a fun, ingenious plot, nearly gordian in complexity, that kept me guessing right up to, literally, the very last minute of the film!!!!!! And yet it was just as entertaining to watch this movie a SECOND time!!! I look forward to watching it a third time as well. Certainly a MAJOR achievement in this age of cutting intellectual corners (especially in action films) to leave more room for the sex and violence. And yet there was still plenty of sex and violence, my friends-- hooray for the sex and violence! With enough blood to satisfy even a rather jaded geek such as myself, MODERN VAMPIRES kept me wide-eyed and laughing, entertained from the first scene to the last. I STRONGLY RECOMMEND THIS MOVIE and wait with bated breath for more such excellent films from clearly visionary director Elfman.

What Is It? (2005)

Sumptuous Decadent Beautiful Ugliness

[9/10 · 11 December 2002]

Hilarious, evocative, confusing, brilliant film. Reminds me of Bunuel's L'Age D'Or or Jodorowsky's Holy Mountain-- lots of strange characters mucking about and looking for..... what is it? I laughed almost the whole way through, all the while keeping a peripheral eye on the bewildered and occasionally horrified reactions of the audience that surrounded me in the theatre. Entertaining through and through, from the beginning to the guts and poisoned entrails all the way to the end, if it was an end. I only wish i could remember every detail. It haunts me sometimes.

Honestly, though, i have only the most positive recollections of this film. As it doesn't seem to be available to take home and watch, i suppose i'll have to wait a few more years until Crispin Glover comes my way again with his Big Slide Show (and subsequent "What is it?" screening)... I saw this film in Atlanta almost directly after being involved in a rather devastating car crash, so i was slightly dazed at the time, which was perhaps a very good state of mind to watch the prophetic talking arthropods and the retards in the superhero costumes and godlike Glover in his appropriate burly-Q setting, scantily clad girlies rising out of the floor like a magnificent DADAist wet dream.

Is it a statement on Life As We Know It? Of course everyone EXPECTS art to be just that. I rather think that the truth is more evident in the absences and in the negative space. What you don't tell us is what we must deduce, but is far more valid than the lies that other people feed us day in and day out. Rather one "WHAT IS IT?" than 5000 movies like "Titanic" or "Sleepless in Seattle" (shudder, gag, groan).

Thank you, Mr. Glover (additionally a fun man to watch on screen or at his Big Slide Show-- smart, funny, quirky, and outrageously hot). Make more films, write more books, keep the nightmare alive.

Rockula (1990)

Are you the DJ? "No, I am the vampire..."

[10/10 · 11 December 2002]

This is quite simply the single most entertaining and enjoyable vampire movie i have ever seen. I mean, REALLY. Toni Basil singing and dancing her little heart out in a fantastic array of bizarre costumes (corset with hula skirt?), Dean Cameron dueling with the reincarnation of a pirate with a rhinestone pegleg over a steaming cryogenic storage chamber? THOMAS DOLBY as a music video producer/coffin salesman who drives what appears to be a replica of the DRAGULA car? SUSAN TYRRELL, excuse me, in cowboy chaps and a funny hat playing the fiddle? BO DIDDLEY (i'm dying here, i really am) in SPANDEX with GOLD RECORDS around his NECK?????? This is as good as it gets, my friend. Whether you're looking for cheesy songs you can more-or-less sing along with by the second replay, snorkeling midgets in bubble baths, or, i'm sorry but i've got to say it again, TONI BASIL IN A CORSET AND A HULA SKIRT, Dean Cameron dressed like Elvis, one-liners a-plenty, intellectual references (what play does Dean Cameron go to see with Tawny Fere? "The Hands of Egon Schiele"????? I'm going to COMBUST, seriously!!!!!!) or love, romance, and "Bat-Dork," this is the ONE, the ONE, THE ONE. Despite-- or perhaps because of-- the fact that this film dates from 1990, it is a concentrated syzygy (the total is greater than the sum of its parts) of everything that was fun and great about 80s film. Surreal, macabre, bizarre, and hilarious, this is a MUST SEE for everyone who thinks fondly of yonder 20th century. Actually, it's just a must-see for everyone. I love this movie so much i actually go into withdrawal if i don't see it at least every six months. Even now, i suffer.

Radioactive Dreams (1984)

Perfect Genre Film and also SUCH FUN

[9/10 · 11 December 2002]

Gosh golly, Marlowe, i surely do love this film. All right, so it's another tidbit of trashy 80s post-apocalyptic fluff, but it's really the cream of the crop and has a great soundtrack, fun sets and costumes, tongue-in-cheek writing and acting, cannibalism, swing dancing, love, innocence, mayhem, violence, and plenty of silly 50s references... Philip and Marlowe (ha, ha) leave the bomb shelter after basically their whole entire lives, and emerge into a radioactive wasteland, to search for their fathers. This ranks right up there with "Rockula," "Bill and Ted," and "Pretty in Pink" as the cutest 80s kitsch films. Okay, so maybe i'm a little hung up on Raymond Chandler and Humphrey Bogart and that whole genre, so i enjoyed this a little more than someone who didn't grow up in the 80s and who never saw "The Big Sleep" more than 20 times. But i still recommend this as rollicking fun for everyone who loves mutant new wave girlies on motorcycles etc.

A Polish Vampire in Burbank (1983)

The single worst film i have ever seen in my life

[1/10 · 9 December 2002]

i've seen thousands and thousands of films, and this is THE WORST. it's rife with bad sexual puns (oh no! he's a vampire with unusually small FANGS), thorougly disreputable writing, some of the worst acting i've ever seen outside a student film, repetitive jokes and running gags that weren't funny the FIRST time, much less the fiftieth, unattractive people and stomach-turning art direction. When i rate films to my friends, i rate them on a scale of 1-1000 Polish Vampire in Burbanks. SO YES, you should WATCH THIS MOVIE and UNDERSTAND. This is a movie that EVERYONE should watch at one point or another in their lives. Suddenly everything else doesn't look half so bad. Mark Pirro has truly, truly achieved something noteworthy and lasting in this flick of his. I suppose that if you've got to make something bad, you'd better make it REALLY REALLY REALLY bad. "Curse of the Queerwolf" was rather dreadful, but it just doesn't hold a candle to the eternal awfulness of PViB. It's a lot like pro wrestling-- it can be entertaining, in a disgusting sort of way, as long as you watch it with friends, and hopefully while inebriated.

Vernon, Florida (1981)

Funniest documentary of all time!!!!

[10/10 · 9 December 2002]

Geez, this movie is GREAT. i laughed so hard i turned red and then purple and very nearly blue. The people Mr. Morris documents are fabulously fascinating and overwhelmingly odd. There IS nothing that compares. I can barely even write about it, because it not only has to be watched, it has to be recounted to your friends in funny voices and fake accents, and then watched again and again. Vernon FL is apparently filled with eccentric scientific principles reminiscent of the 15th century, and impressive grammar that the best stand-up comedian in the world couldn't compete with, because it is all genuine, all of it. I just cannot stress enough how much you need to see this film. Even if you have no sense of humor, you will at least appreciate the character studies and the overwhelming irony of The Human Condition (and so forth, and so on, etc etc).

Man Bites Dog (1992)

Better than (but similar to) "Breathless"

[10/10 · 4 December 2002]

This is just about the best darn movie on the planet, i think, and i've seen thousands upon thousands. It's funny, hilariously funny, truly TRULY funny but in an blackly and evilly ironic way that sparks self-concern and even distress the minute you do laugh, and it starts those heavy mental cogs turning, which i think is far better than mere escapism. Yet it IS escapist as well. Beautifully shot, convincingly acted, flawlessly written, MAN BITES DOG is also filled with useful information-- how much SHOULD i weight the body of the dwarf before i sink it into the quarry lake? I've had three copies of this video stolen by various former roommates, and i know i'll buy it a fourth time. What better recommendation can i give? The deeper message of the film is roughly the inverse of Jodorowsky's "The Holy Mountain"-- instead of "this is a film, whatever else it means, so go and live and create," it's more of "is this just a film? how do you know what's real and what is artifice?" But it's so stylish and so clever, it just chilled me to the bone (all the while i was still laughing, of course).

Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead (1990)

In a Word, Perfection

[10/10 · 4 December 2002]

All right, all right, so Tom Stoppard is one of the best playwrights not only of the 20th century, but probably in the history of the English language. But why hasn't he directed more films? This movie was pure (and as they say) unadulterated genius. Surreal yet profound, FUNNY as all get-out (little visual gags run the duration, just little things that Gary Oldman is doing that aren't in the play-- he discovers all sorts of scientific principles while also looking overwhelmingly sexy and confused)-- not to mention beautifully acted, gorgeously filmed, with exceptional art direction and costuming. What surprised me most, as a long-time fan of Stoppard's writing, is that the rest of the film lived up to, or surpassed, the original play script!!! One of my all-time favorite films, although it really won't make much sense unless you're very familiar with HAMLET. A very important movie that i hope people will pay more attention to in the future than they have in the past.

The Ruling Class (1972)

Best British film EVER

[10/10 · 4 December 2002]

This movie has EVERYTHING!!!!! I'm serious. Does it have musical numbers? Yes, it does. Beautiful costumes, fabulous sets, serial killers, witty dialogue, burlesque striptease, opera and aristocracy, romance and insanity, jealousy and drama, comedy and theology? Yes, yes, yes!!! Oh, why couldn't there be more films like this? In a way, it reminded me of "The Ninth Configuration" although that movie lacked humor. Peter O'Toole is just gorgeous, as well. My father (psychiatrist) says that this film is just about the only accurate film representation he's seen of MANIA, but when i asked him about it, he didn't recall the musical numbers. So i suppose it's got something for everyone. I could write about THE RULING CLASS for hours and hours and compare it to everything in the entire world but i don't want to give anything away. This is an absolute MUST-SEE for anyone with an interest in film, England, mental disorders, or dancing the Varsity Rag.