Change Your Image
boocwirm-1
Reviews
The Arrogant (1988)
Howlingly bad religious allegory
It's hard to discover a bad movie these days. It used to be easy, just turn on a UHF channel late at night. Then came the books Fifty Worst Films of All Time and The Golden Turkey Awards, and suddenly everyone and his sister knew all about Teenage Caveman and Robot Monster. The field was expanded further with the television series Mystery Science Theater 3000, which exposed nearly 200 terrible features during its initial run from 1988 to 1999. Unfortunately half the fun of watching bad movies lay in the discovery process. It was a thrilling experience to watch, say, Francis of Assisi, and learn for yourself that it stinks. But now people who had always loved bad movies found themselves sort of in the same position of adult baseball card collectors: once a rarity but now ubiquitous. My chances of finding an awful film, previously unsuspected, is roughly the same as finding a set of 1968 Topps cards at a yard sale. If a movie is a stinker, someone has already told me about it. So you can imagine my delight when I just happened to stumble across The Arrogant in the free movie section of On Demand. I had an hour to kill, I put it on. What a treat! A confusing allegory that takes itself seriously, The Arrogant is the first "new" bad movie I've discovered all by myself in a very long time. According to the guides, The Arrogant is about Julie, a waitress (played by softcore star Sylvia Krystal), who hitches a ride from a serial killer. Right away there's a problem. While the movie implies Giovanni is a murderer, it never really establishes it. We do see him kill his father-in-law, but only after the old man came after him with an axe and beheaded his cat. It's a clear case of self-defense. Sometime afterwards, Giovanni stalks an innocent farm girl with malicious intent. We know he means her harm because the camera keeps showing -and I mean keeps showing- his eyes rimmed with red signifying, I suppose, bloodlust. Or maybe he just has conjunctivitis, I don't know. He eventually seduces the girl, promising to make her rich and famous, and you expect him to kill her, but if he does they kept it a secret. So far as I can see he sleeps with her and then sneaks off, reprehensible behavior, but hardly serial murder. Later on Giovanni seduces an ex-nun and beats up her boyfriend, and also (in the film's funniest scene) whales on a biker gang. But he doesn't murder anyone, at least not in the sense that Gacy or Dahmer were murderers. Let's go back to the biker scene. Giovanni's brothers-in-law have been trailing him through the desert, seeking revenge for the death of their father. They set up in a remote bar on the novel theory that Giovanni will probably stop in there someday for a beer. A gang of bikers come in and start hassling the older brother, signaling to the bartender, who is apparently used to such things, that they are going to rob him and cut his throat. Nobody gets worse press than biker gangs. I've known many bikers and, yes, some of them were criminals. Many were involved with drugs and/or drank too much. But many of them were also good people, living an unorthodox lifestyle but not looking to harm anyone else. Many had a profound sense of honor. But in movies they are always cowards, perverts, morons, and sadists. In the 1960s we had the Erich Von Zipper buffoons, tangling with Frankie and Annette; later the appearance of a gang always meant that the heroine was about to be molested. Can you think of a movie in which bikers shows up alongside a distressed motorist and it's a good thing? I can't. The Arrogant takes it farther. Not only are the film's bikers murderous scum, festooned with Nazi memorabilia and eager to kill a stranger for no apparent reason, they are not even good murderous scum. Giovanni beats the living daylights out of the gang without suffering a scratch. The sole survivor, a shirtless weakling wearing a German helmet, could have easily run away but Giovanni orders him to "come here" and he immediately obeys. Whereupon Giovanni knocks him out with one powerful blow of his mighty fist. Egad, you could go on and on about this picture. Giovanni is sitting on a stump and is bitten by a snake, which appears from nowhere just to attack him (not something rattlers typically do). Giovanni goes into shock. Julie rushes him to the nearest gas station where she is surrounded by several gibbering mechanics who proceed to wash her down with sponges (really, the mechanics and bikers ought to get together and form an anti-discrimination league). Meanwhile Giovanni is dying from rattler poison in the desert sun, but Julie seems to forget this. In fact, she often stumbles over her lines and laughs while he's croaking, leaving me to believe that by this point in the process Krystal had realized the movie was not worth taking seriously. A sheriff arrives just in time and rescues Julie, telling her "These boys are harmless, they just miss their little sister." Which makes no sense whatsoever, but hey. The sheriff dumps the unconscious Giovanni in the back of his cruiser and casually suggests they go find a hospital. The gibbering mechanics frolic among the stacks of auto tires and it seems like a pillow fight is dangerously close to breaking out. The worst/best part of the film is the constant religious posturing. If you are expecting intelligent discourse, you are going to be sadly disappointed. The theological arguments are of the type you've heard camping out the summer after high school, after a few hits of blotter acid and heavy pot smoking. Even the very last scene, which I won't reveal, is supposed to have deep significance. But like the rest of the movie it's just stupid.
Meteor (1979)
Ahead of its time
You have to think that if Irwin Allen and his partners had any idea what a revolution was coming in terms of computers and graphics they might have waited a decade or so before attempting Meteor. As it was, they did the best they could with what they had and the result is an excellent disaster picture, far superior in story and character development to the multitude of "meteor aiming for Earth" movies that came afterwards. I've downgraded the picture to a "7" (if I was writing this in 1980 I would have given it an 8) because of the dated special effects, which include avalanches and tidal waves (before we started calling them by other names)but it is precisely the graphics or lack thereof that makes this a superior film. More recent attempts on the same subject get bogged down in the fabulous special effects, but Meteor had to flesh out its political and practical story lines to reach its full feature length. At times it seems like the movie is about to forget the looming disaster and lose itself in the relationship between Connery (an American scientist) and Wood (his Soviet counterpart), like so many mediocre films, but it never crosses that line and that story line is redeemed when Natalie heads back to Moscow after everything is finished, despite Sean's not-so-subtle hints she should defect. I should add the semi-obligatory homage to Natalie Wood in one of her last roles: she looks good and clearly fulfilled her early promise as an artist.
R.O.T.O.R. (1987)
Very funny scene
I wasn't going to say anything about this picture because there are currently more than thirty reviews here so what could I possibly add? But none of the reviews seem to mention what I find to be perhaps the funniest (inadvertently funny, that is) scene in the 1980s movie catalog. I have to set this up properly. It's towards the end of the picture, during the climactic fight at the river's edge. Dr. Coldyron, the tough-as-nails scientific project director (who has been fired but is still on the job) for the Dallas Police Department (well known for their expertise in robotics) is trying to comfort Sonya, the damsel-in-distress who has been fleeing ROTOR (the murderous robotic cop who has absolutely no capacity for emotion but nonetheless is constantly getting really angry) while Professor Steele, the brilliant scientist who is built like Jesse Ventura and who sports the ugliest haircut imaginable (aptly described by many as a skunk mullet) distracts ROTOR. The camera is focused on Coldyron and Sonya while ROTOR and Steele fight some distance behind them. What Coldyron is trying to say to Sonya is, translated, "Stay right here and be quiet, we have the situation well in hand" but he mumbles so much and the sound is so bad it comes out like "Stay here...we have the situation mumble something." Whatever the exact words, his comment is meant to be reassuring: everything is going according to plan. However, fully visible behind them, ROTOR is engaged in beating the living snot out of Professor Steele. I'm sorry, I cannot even write about it without cracking up. I find it hard to believe that having the hormone-challenged Doctor Steele (her title changes from time to time) get the daylights kicked out of her is an official part of the plan. But that's par for the course with R.O.T.O.R. Since I'm here anyway, a few other points about this wonderful picture. a) Shoeboogie gets no acting credit, but I know I've seen this actor in a similar role somewhere else. It's driving me crazy. b) It must be tough being a Dallas cop. Wherever ROTOR goes (remember he looks just like a human police officer) some hick wants to fight him. Usually for no reason at all. c) Can you believe Sonya and her boyfriend, the dead speeder, were planning on getting married? They are on screen as a couple for maybe five minutes and have etched themselves permanently in my memory as the most detestable couple I've ever seen, in movies and in life. I could go on forever, but I want to get back and watch that fight scene again while the movie is loaded in the DVD player. "Don't worry, Sonya, just stay here and relax, we have the situation well in hand..."
Alien Outlaw (1985)
1980s: The best of movies and the worst of movies
This is what happens when you give a director $100,000 or so and tell him you want a movie in ten days...Some folks just don't appreciate bad films. I do. I've been an extra in a couple of them myself and, believe me, the people who makes these Grade Z pictures (the cast and the crew) aren't fooling around. They work hard at their craft, as hard as the people who make "real" movies, and with the added burden that they know the result is going to be pretty awful. They are basically professionals who have fallen on hard times or semi-professionals hoping to make it to Hollywood proper. When you watch ALIEN OUTLAW pay attention to the scene where the heroine is discussing her new contract with the head of the management agency. It's an interminable scene, with some of the worst dialogue ever written, but the two actresses give it everything they've got. You really have to give them credit for professionalism and effort. That being said, if you think you're going to be treated to something like the Sigourney Weaver ALIEN pictures you're going to be sadly disappointed. ALIEN OUTLAW is a mindless story about marauding extraterrestrials whose idea of attacking the Earth is, essentially, to sneak around the middle of nowhere bush-whacking Appalachian stereotypes and vandalizing parked cars. They make the aliens from PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE look like evil masterminds. They don't even have ray guns or blasters, but try instead to use Western six-shooters they clearly have no idea how to handle, as every second or third shot results in a jam. At which point they toss the weapon down in disgust and run slowly away from danger, no doubt squealing the alien equivalent of "Boy, we're in trouble now!" Earth should be so lucky as to be attacked by these guys. The film has a few good points. The heroine is quite sexy and not a bad actress. Most of the other actors (including several legendary B-Western stars at the end of their careers) at least give it a good effort. And for those viewers who might someday want to make their own picture, it carries a very clear lesson: no matter how small the budget, hire a decent screenwriter before you do anything else.
The Impaler (2013)
Ludicrous teen horror film is dull and pointless
Ridiculous movie, gets a "3" only because the production values are fairly good, considering the budget. But the script and direction are just terrible. Films like this follow a classic formula: a group of good-looking teenagers (typically including a sexy pair, an innocent pair, a stoner or two, and a misfit -in this case a "fat kid") find themselves trapped in a supernatural place (a castle, a cabin in the woods, a cavern, a forest)and mostly perish while trying to escape. If it's done well and with intelligence it's a good movie; done poorly the formula can produce a laughable stinker. IMPALER unfortunately falls in the latter category. Some of the objectionable points include 1) a story that makes no sense whatsoever and isn't even internally consistent: if the kids are being selected as sacrificial victims because of their individual sins- the film is quite explicit that the sexy girl is chosen for being promiscuous and the fat kid for being a glutton- then why are the good kids selected for sacrifice too? 2) laughable characterization, e.g. the fat kid -played by an actor who is actually in fairly good shape- cannot resist eating all the food he can find, even a meal he stumbles across in a dusty, vermin-infested old room. His obsession with stuffing his face is his only characteristic. Likewise the greedy kid can think only of money, etcetera, etcetera... 3) stupid details. The girls know they will be hiking for miles through a Romanian forest yet they strap high heels on their feet. There's a scene in which the good kid -or is it Vlad?- is running down the road accompanied by what I guess is a pair of wolves. It's supposed to be scary but it looks all the world like a college kid out jogging with two lovable puppies. And if Dom is supposed to be a descendant or reincarnation of Vlad -which is what I got out of it- then why did the other kid have the dream that lured them to Transylvania in the first place? Why is the Book of the Dragon written in English at the end? 4) undeveloped horror elements. The film doesn't bother to explain just who exactly are the creatures who kill the fat kid, or who are the shadowy figures often seen flitting around in the background. Where did the succubi who kill the sexy girl come from? And why exactly would Satan release Vlad from hell for killing the kids anyway? 5) Unfulfilled promises. Dracula doesn't appear as the traditional Dracula even though his name is in the title. Prince Vlad of Wallachia appears just once or twice, briefly. Nobody gets impaled in a movie called the Impaler. Two-thirds of the way through the film I was sitting there asking when something -anything- was going to happen. And it didn't get much better from there. With all the talent in the industry you'd think they could get a script doctor to add some clever dialogue or a few interesting plot points before releasing a film like this. At the very least the special effects and gore should be memorable. But The Impaler comes up short on all counts.