nnnoooiiissseee Reviews

Better Call Saul (2015–2022)

Painfully Slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

[21 December 2015]

Yes, like everyone else; I loved "Breaking Bad". Truly one of the (if not "the") greatest series ever made and Saul was one of my favorite characters. Naturally I was more than excited when I heard news of the "Better Call Saul" spin-off.

Now we all know about horrifying spin-offs like "AfterMASH", "Baywatch Nights" or (everyone's favorite), "Joani Loves Chachi"... so as how most spin-offs go, I wasn't expecting much.

Well sometimes not expecting "much" is still a little too much to expect...

This series is painfully slow. It just is. Any half observant person can tell right away, they are simply stalling for time and dragging out every single scene in order to put together a "series". Every episode so far has just been a painful exercise in bringing in old characters from Breaking Bad and burning up the clock with them in hopes they'll finally do something, ANYTHING entertaining... at all. In other words:

Their milking the Breaking Bad cash cow for everything it's worth.

I really wanted to like this. I stuck with it for multiple episodes hoping it would go somewhere... it never did. Months have passed and I remember asking my wife "Weren't we watching "Better Call Saul" at some point? Is that show still even on?"

To my surprise it is. But then lets face it, most people will watching anything these days -- no matter how slow moving, empty and painfully boring. "Better Call Saul" reminds me of watching a crappy opening band for half an hour before just wandering away to do something more interesting -- like go out to the car and clip your toenails. I just really don't care about anything going on in it anymore -- it's just too slow moving, stale and empty. Without Walter, Jesse or anything interesting happening -- who cares? I'll just skip the pseudo opening act/prequel/spin-off and fast forward to the good part:

Breaking Bad: Season 1, Episode 1.

Kickboxer (1989)

Most hilariously unintentional homo-erotic film ever made!

[30 October 2015]

Side splitting comedy from beginning to end!

It opens up with these two hulking muscle boys holding each other while gliding down a river in a gondola. They're both really, really "touchy" and from the first scene forward, it's like... "oh crap, I came here to see a karate movie but I think I'm in the wrong theater. I know what's going to happen next... someone's gonna get beat up... or down... OR BOTH -- oh good gawd no!"

Next, they go skipping hand in hand into a Bangkok hotel with '80s pop music blaring in the back ground... I'm totally scared at this point.

One of the "partners" looks almost just like Freddy Mercury... only more muscular and aggressive and is clearly the dominant one. The other one is none other than a supple, Jean Claude Van Dam. He's young and muscular with a boyish haircut and attitude - Oh Jesus... Jesus Christ.

The man with the radical mustache and young Jean get oiled up and proceed to frolic in the park in their skin tight tank tops for a bit. This is only like 10 minutes into the film...

I laugh hysterically while simultaneously puking into my mouth a little bit. Good times -- next up is the first fight...

The big, bad "Thai-Guy" comes out of his corner angry... with this hot dog shaped thing on his head. Next, the hulking Freddy Mercury look-a-like guy comes out of his corner in these silky, lavender shorts... As you may have guessed, he REALLY gets his butt pounded by the guy sporting the big hot dog thing on his head...

This film is so hysterical that it would make Andy Warhol blush. It's like "totally fabulous". You really have to see it to believe it. I don't want to give the rest away so, just; bring lots of tissues...

It's like... really sad or something. WINK! ;)

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

Mad Maxine was the worst movie of 2015...

[4 June 2015]

We were looking forward to this one and even kicked out the few extra bucks to see it in 3D... what a waste. The 3D wasn't really utilized in any way, shape or form. It was just a shameless up-sell for something that wasn't there. That was just the beginning...

As far as the actual movie... I went in psyched to see it and ended up trying to stay awake through it for an hour, I finally gave up and did a 10 min. nap. Wifey woke me up (I thought she was asleep too!). So I actually did stay awake for the big "finale". Not because it was good, more like because at that point, I was enraged that anyone could make a movie so badly. This was the biggest waste of 2 hours of my life.

Zero character development. "Mad Max" kept reminding me of Robin following around batman, ie the real protagonist of the film "Mad Maxine" (that's not the character's real name but nobody really cares anyway) was no doubt the protagonist. "Max" was her loyal sidekick. God it was lame.

The plot was... not even present. I didn't really follow the whole blood transfusion, woman milking, bullet farming... wtf? It's not like they really invested any time explaining anything... they had too many cars to blow up and that's way more important than telling a story.

I tried and tried to find something... anything likable about this movie. "Why should I give it a "2" over a "1"... where is that extra digit coming from? Well... there isn't an extra digit... because I couldn't find ONE redeeming quality about Mad Maxine...

It was just a full blown rip off. A miserable failure on every level. There wasn't one scene, character, piece of dialogue, stunt or anything that sticks out in my mind as being memorable.

Worst movie of the year by far.

Another reheated turd to lump on the pile of other reheated turd remakes.

Holliston (2012–2013)

Wanted to like it but it's just not a good show.

[13 December 2014]

I love heavy metal and a lot of horror. I've met Dee Snider. He seemed like a cool guy. I've seen GWAR and have been into them for the last 20 years or so. I've been to numerous horror conventions and seen Kane Hodder and many of the others who made cameos in Holliston. In other words, I'm a fan off most of this stuff.

I still just can't get into this show because frankly, it's just not very good.

If you're a fan of drek like "Friends", "Everybody Loves Raymond", "Big Bang Theory" etc. you'll probably love it though. You'll see Oderus and Dee and feel that their minor presence somehow makes this a great show. I'm sorry but even they couldn't save this trainwreck.

Dave Brockie's minute or two per episode was about the only decent part in the whole series (Yes, he bumped my rating from 1/10 to 2/10). I'm sure he must have written his own material because unlike anything else in the show; it was actually funny and had some sort of wit attached to it.

Dee Snider's "Lance Rocket" character was a trickless pony that just got recycled every episode. Laughing at glam rockers from the '80s got old by about 1994.

I still can't remember the two main characters names. If I did, I wouldn't be able to tell them apart because they're both totally interchangeable. Your typical one-dimensional, cardboard sitcom roomies fishing for laughs and every "funny" gets followed by a canned laugh clip -- provided to let viewers know they need to laugh because they were just told a joke. Without the canned laughs, people wouldn't know the difference between the jokes and brain dead sit-com filler and may become confused or worse... discover that the show isn't the slightest bit funny.

I'm not making this up.

The last episode I forced myself to sit through was called "Rock the Cradle". It was about an 11 year old girl that one of the cardboard roomies began dating.

I'm not making that up either.

Yes, one of the two main characters was dating an 11 year old girl. Naturally, all of the characters (except for the guy's ex) loved her and nobody noticed that she was an eleven year old child. They were going to "take their relationship to the next level" (have sex) when the guys ex became jealous and the good quality sitcom wackiness ensued.

When it was discovered that she was only eleven, none of the characters thought about the whole "our roommate is a pedophile" part and apparently neither did any of the brain dead viewers. "Pedophile? What pedophile? LOL!"

It's was all just good, wacky sitcom fun for the whole family.

I truly feel that Dave Brockie was a great talent, a great showman and a hilarious guy in general. There's no doubt in my mind that being attached to trash like this is one of the reasons he killed himself with drugs. Having to live with the guilt of taking a job dumbing down an already dumbed down populace and "soften" pedophilia to a group of people who are too dumb to have the slightest clue about what they're watching.

There was actually a fairly well known metal band who came from Holliston, MA. They wrote a song in the '90s called "Everyone in Holliston Should be Killed". Apparently, there's is a huge group of yuppie "metal heads" who live there and he was constantly criticizing their extreme level of phoniness, cluelessness and uselessness. The band's name was "An*l C*nt" (or AxCx). The lead singer killed himself a few years ago with drugs just like Dave did.

It seems that anything related to metal that comes out of Hollenthon, MA is so rotten and fake that it's enough to drive anyone with a personality or a sense of humor to a drug induced suicide.

Everyone else loves it though... actually not really, since nobody really watches this show. Even most people who are fans of metal and horror don't watch this because it's too hard to sit through.

Sex Sent Me to the ER (2013– )

Great for mental cripples!

[13 September 2014]

Sometimes I see something so idiotic and dumbed down, I can't help but go on a rant about it. So here ya' go...

Funny how the term "mysonogistic" is the new trigger word for 2014. You know what's REALLY "mysonogistic"? Women who are willing dumb themselves down by watching THIS. Seriously, it's embarrassing. It's like watching someone eat a dog turd. You know better. You have no excuse. Stop. You're better than that... and if you aren't? Well then, please continue consuming your crap. You are what you eat.

This is on TLC -- The "learning" channel; and yes, it has the same music, same Jr. high school level acting and same exact format as Honey Boo Boo (another "high quality" show produced for the sole purpose of enlightening you... it's not just there to dumb you down).

A couple used fruit during foreplay and the fruit gave the woman a rash and sent her to the ER.

It takes them a half an hour to explain that. Then again, seeing how a few reviewers still can't seem to follow it -- even with cartoon music and Mexican soap opera quality acting, maybe they need to go slower and maybe use sock puppets to simplify it so none of you ladies get lost in the super complex plot.

If you feel that my opinion of this show is unfair, than teach me a lesson and do something about it. Read a freaking book for God's sake. Draw something with crayons. Stimulate your mind for a change instead of dumbing yourself down with zombie crap like this.

Or don't. Keep doing EXACTLY what you're doing. Watch MOAR of this. Dumb yourself down to the point where you can no longer read, write and speak in complete sentences (assuming that you already can). Many men will consider you the "perfect" women. One who is so STUPID that she can do little more than clean toilets, vacuum and make yummy sandwiches for us to enjoy.

"When you're done with your chores, go watch your Honey Boo Boo & Sex Sent Me to the ER stories dear... SHHHHHH!!! Please don't talk when the adults are talking dear... since you have nothing intelligent to say due to the fact that you spent all of your free time watching dumbed down CRAP."

Teach me a lesson. Keep watching MOAR. I dare ya'.

Dinosaurs (1991–1994)

Early '90s Family Guy prototype... IE unwatchable for anyone with more than two working brain cells.

[15 May 2014]

What more is there to say really? This show was plain unwatchable.

Again, a typical example of a Family Guy prototype/clone. Yes, I know this came out long before Family Guy but it really doesn't matter. It's just the same, dumbed down family sitcom, dressed up differently. The majority of people will LOVE IT... and that's sad.

Dumb husband. Smart wife. Teenage boy & girl. Baby (yes, a HUGE percentage of the "dialogue" was done in baby talk... which says a lot about the demographic it catered to). Lot's of dry, witless humor and "jokes" so stale, anyone with a brain couldn't tell if they were making an attempt at being funny or if they were just really, really witless. "Dinosaurs" specialized in the kind of humor that would make a seven year old kid roll on the ground laughing, but that most coherent adults would just roll their eyes at or not even acknowledge as being remotely relevant to anything.

And don't get me wrong, I LOVE dark, dry, subtle humor. It's my favorite. But either it works, or it doesn't. And when it doesn't... it's just embarrassing.

I loved the first decade or so of The Simpsons. Back when it was edgy enough to make people think a little -- rather than just be used as a tool to parrot political correctness. Many take this as a Simpson's "knock-off". It really wasn't even in the same league. It was like a "kids" version of the Simpsons with everything bleached out... which was just pointless.

To be fair, "Dinosaurs" had a few deep, relevant messages hidden in the pile of unwatchable fodder (what doesn't?). It was just too painful for most people to sit through long enough to see any of it. That's why this show didn't last long. It was actually TOO dumbed down for most people of the late '80s - early '90s period.

It would probably outsell Family Guy if it were done today...

And that's just sad.

The Dead Files (2011– )

Garden variety "psycic" scammers working the rubes... Yawwwn.

[18 November 2013]

Watching this show is like watching a seedy scam "artist" hustle drunks with a game of 3 card monte in front of a liquor store. It's just so shameless and pathetic. There is always a certain percentage of fools who "want to believe" they wont be getting ripped off though; They want to believe the age old scam is somehow "legit". It's just a sad part of human nature I guess...

Psychics like Amy are the same as televangelists, faith healers, snake oil salesmen, card hustlers, Nigerian e-mail scammers or any other thief that makes their living telling naive people what they want to hear.

These "psychics" research the location on the internet or at the local library and then go in and act like they are "sensing" it all for the first time. If they can't find enough real info through research, then they basically just make it up as they go along. It's not hard. As a matter of fact, it's insanely easy... You just have to have the "gift" of being able to look a person in the eye and lie to their face.

Now, don't get me wrong. We live in a would full of strange, unexplained phenomenon. It seems logical that there may even be a lot of bizarre paranormal activity happening in a lot of these locations. Hustlers like Amy & her partner Steve sure aren't "communicating" with anyone or anything, though. They just tell them what they want to hear and "work the crowd".

If they really wanted this show to be a hit, they could try BEING HONEST for a change! They could go in and do EXACTLY what they've been doing, but then just let them in on how they SCAMMED THEM at the end of they show.

"Ugg yea, we researched this place on the internet before hand -- Read some old police reports and local history and WORKED you with a little trick called COLD READING. We acted like we were "sensing" this guy "George" who hanged himself back in 1963! We had you EATING OUT OF THE PALMS OF OUR HANDS! You wanted to believe us SO BAD, you bought the whole story! DON'T YOU FEEL EMBARRASSED THAT IT WAS SO EASY TO EXPLOIT YOU!?"

Metalocalypse (2006–2013)

Dumbed down, children's cartoon -- made for adults.

[19 May 2013]

Around the age of 8 or 9 years old, something funny happened. I would sit in front of cartoons like Anamaniacs or Tiny Toon adventures and... I just couldn't watch them anymore. I started changing the channel to adult shows or I'd get up and find something else to do. I grew into an adult and my mind simply started to tune out the pointless children's cartoons.

That being said. There's an "animated series" and there's a "children's cartoon". Both are animated with voice acting but the two are completely different.

"Cartoons" are one dimensional with nothing but fast paced filler to keep the kiddies entertained. There really isn't any "plot" to speak of, just lots of simple humor, pointless stunts and wacky gags crammed into a small time slot to keep the kids from wandering off.

An "Animated series" is the same as any other T.V. show, only it's animated. It's on the intellectual level of an adult. There's a plot, adult situations, action, drama, emotion, humor, suspense etc. It's multifaceted and explores different levels.

Metalocalypse is a child's cartoon. Plain and simple. There's just nothing there.

The reason the "uncensored DVD" is still being censored is because it's something designed for children to watch... at least mentally. There just isn't anything in this show on any kind of adult level. It's pointless. The "humor" and format are the same you will see in any zippy kids cartoon. Voice acting is terrible. Running gags just aren't there to begin with... let alone something to keep bringing back. Every facet is one dimensional and shouldn't be viewed by anyone with an IQ over 75 or so.

Now... I love metal and always have. From grind-core and death metal to crossover thrash, classic hardcore and everything in between. I've always been a long-haired head-banger and my closet is filled with nothing but metal tees... all of which are worn on a daily. I guess maybe that's why this "show" is such a mega disappointment. I guess they figured that anyone who loves heavy metal has the mindset of a child and is mildly retarded.

They thought wrong.

As much as I've tried to like this cartoon, I just can't. I'm too old for cartoons I guess. I'm an adult -- not a child. It's not for me.

Machete (2010)

We paid to see a political propaganda film. LOL!

[12 April 2013]

Back in the day, the German people would go down to the ol' "movie house" and be shown films of the "heroic Unkie Adolph" being paraded across the screen as a big time hero. Propaganda? NOOOO! It's just entertainment. Right? They wouldn't do that! North Korea, China, old Communist Russia... I know, I'm already wasting my breath at this point as most people in America can't even find those places on a map... or will ever make an attempt to. HINT (China is the BIG one).

The old "duck & cover" movies from the cold war era? You know, the whole "Red Terror" thingie... Not familiar with those? Moving along...

Machete was just a dumbed down propaganda film from start to finish. Mexicans good. Whites bad. Anyone who asks questions about that "fact" is a racist and racists are heretics. That's all you need to know.

"Divide and conquer? I don't even know what that means. LOOK! a car blew up! (drool)..." No redeeming qualities whatsoever about this propaganda film. Except maybe for Steven Seagul's stellar acting... You thought I was serious didn't you (face palm...)? Now if they would of had a girl with a gun for a leg then maybe it would have saved this movie and made it worth watching... OK, you figured out that I WAS kidding that time right? All I can say is that when this came out, my wife and I actually PAID to see it in the theater because it looked like an entertaining action movie. When we left, we were both were looking at each other like we had just been hustled at a carnival.

"?!"..."?!" "Wait... we just paid money to see THAT?!" "It was YOUR idea!" "No! It was YOUR idea!" "NO... it was YOUR idea!"...

I WONT EVEN WASTE MY TIME DOWNLOADING THIS GARBAGE FOR FREE FROM THE PIRATE BAY.

Rock of Ages (2012)

Like, totally gag me with a spoon. It doesn't pay to sell out...

[12 April 2013]

Good: I enjoyed the song selection. The whole silly, goofy plot was intended to capture the fun and light-heated spirit of the '80s.

Bad: The songs ALL sounded like they were being performed by Donny and Marie Osmond. If you've always wanted to hear a sickeningly sweet, auto-tuned version of "We're not gonna take it" by Twisted Sister, then this movie is for you.

As others have said before, any kind of rock n' roll "edge" had been hacked up and castrated with a power saw to the point of being a "rock" version of "High School Musical" set in 1987.

Good lord I hated it. I hated it so much. I hated it to the point to where I felt the need to write a review to vent my intense loathing and disgust over seeing and hearing such an abomination rape my ear-drums for 136 minutes straight (yes, I counted every minute).

The part that I don't "get" is, why do people who like to sit through musicals such as "Cats", "Oklahoma" and "Rent" feel compelled to hear a butchered, GLEE VERSION of a "heavy metal" musical all of the sudden? I guess some things I'll never understand... Apparently, all of the women (which were about the only ones who enjoyed this heap) that were teenie bobbers in the 80's started turning middle aged and thought it would be a great idea to see Poison & Motley Crue on Broadway... Apparently they never listened to any of the lyrics to any of the songs and were just checking out guys in leather pants while snapping bubble gum.

Maybe the reason why I hated it so much is because it's just another sad reminder that rock is indeed dead.

"Rock of Ages" really made me understand why kids these days listen to rap, dub-step or anything BUT rock music. Because the once young and rebellious kids of my generation did the same exact thing THEIR parents did in the '60s. They spun around on a dime and sold out fast enough to make even their own heads spin. They shamelessly became everything they hated and any arguments they had about ANYTHING became INVALID. They SOLD their arguments... just like their parents did.

Songs like "We're NOT Gonna Take It", have now come to mean "We ARE Gonna Take It" (if you pay us enough). Even Arnold Schwarzenegger used that song for his campaign. In other words, it's a joke. A very sad, hypocritical, embarrassing joke.

I wish I was dumb enough to just giggle and enjoy some great songs from the 80's get ripped to shreds by Tom Cruise. I'm not. I never have been and never will be. I have zero gag reflex (unlike a lot of the old teenie bobbers from the 80's do).

So to sum it up, I thought this movie was "like totally groddie to the max". And it like "totally" made me gag. No spoon necessary.

Zoo (2007)

Proof that bleeding hearts have officially lost their mind and should be committed for the safety of themselves and others.

[19 June 2012]

If you read the reviews of this "movie" from the highly respected "critics" you may be shocked (to say the least) to see the word "beautiful" in nearly every one. It gets extremely high marks for demonstrating that "love is blind" and that "you can't help who you fall in love with".

It does a great job of "humanizing" animal rapists (sorry) "extreme horse enthusiasts" in a way that you will not only relate to them, but probably even want to drink a beer with them. You may even want to take Mr. Ed or My Friend Flicka out for a spin afterwards. You know, with the "good 'ol boys".

"Zoo" shows how society "bullies" them and how badly they are discriminated against for their love of raping animals. They are basically just "tortured souls" who are "misunderstood". Mister Hands really DID feel "love" for his horse (especially when he was really, REALLY drunk). I'm not kidding. Not at all...

When "Mr. Hands" dies due to his colon being popped like a cheap water balloon by a 4 foot long horse wiener, many people are saddened at the great "loss" to the world. "Mr. Hands" was the kind of guy you could pound beers (and other stuff) with and he was "nice". Sure, he was a horse rapist but nobody is perfect... right? In other words, the film depicts him and his animal raping friends as completely normal, good people who just happen to rape animals as a hobby. Who are you to judge!? "Zoo", along with the rave reviews that it received, gave me the last, sold, concrete pieces of evidence that I needed to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt, that most bleeding hearts have completely lost their minds. It is the best known example of how some people can take "tolerance" way, WAY to far. To the point where they use the term "tolerance" as an excuse for, I dunno, RAPING HORSES.

This film also gave me a firm grasp on just how feeble minded most people are. If a group of animal rapists get together to make a propaganda piece about how "you shouldn't judge them", and RUBES ACTUALLY GO FOR IT, that means that you can MAKE A FILM THAT WILL JUSTIFY ANYTHING.

So what was the REAL lesson being taught to us in this "movie"? The sad, disturbing, horrifying and completely haunting thing about this "movie" is that I can already see where this is all going... With movies like "Zoo" and "heroes" like Michael Jackson and Pete Townsend "humanized"... to god-like proportions, It doesn't take a genius to figure it out.

I can already see it happening within my lifetime and it makes me want to vomit my guts out just thinking about it. Living in a world where your are forced to "tolerate" their "alternative lifestyle". A world where every T.V. show and movie has a blatant "public service message" inserted in the middle that urges you to "respect the feelings" of child and animal rapists and that their behavior is "perfectly normal".

A few decades ago, a movie like "Zoo" would have been completely inconceivable. Just imagine what you and your kids will be witnessing in a few more decades? God, I hope that I don't live long enough to witness it...

The Sitter (2011)

Another wonderful family movie... brought to you by the church of Satan >:)

[8 June 2012]

Between taking the kiddies out to score cocaine, watching how cute it is to bar hop with children, and the worn out, over done, beating a dead horse into tomato paste, preachy "getting gay with kids" crusade -- I really couldn't find much time to laugh.

Maybe I'm just getting old or something, because even seeing a little girl dressed up like a prostitute, "clubbing" in a bar and cursing like a drunken sailor didn't make me laugh. I couldn't even chuckle while watching the young boy getting sexually aroused while "checking out" gay men. What's wrong with me? Did I blow a "funny fuse" or something? I guess if you're a person who doesn't find humor in exploiting children and exposing them to sex, drugs and violence for the sake of a laugh, then you probably won't enjoy watching this wretched piece of trash. Attempting to watch this collection of "garbage put to DVD" may even leave you depressed at the state of the "entertainment" industry.

And best of all, when I though that the turd festival had ended and there was NO POSSIBLE WAY that it could EVER get any worse, they played "Girl You Got What I Need" (or whatever it's called) by Biz Markee (or whoever) while the credits rolled. This really drove home the message that I had just sat through the WORST "FILM" EVER MADE. They REALLY pulled out all of the stops here -- NO EXPENSE SPARED! It's a shame that "1" is the lowest number that you can give an "awful" movie. This "film" CLEARLY EARNED a -10 for all of the effort that went into not only LOWERING the bar and the standards of it's audience -- BUT BURYING IT! I consider those who actually enjoyed "watching" this movie to be not just certifiably RETARDED, but a danger to themselves and others (especially children) as well.

The Haunted World of El Superbeasto (2009 Video)

Actually it's a NEGATIVE 9/10 stars.

[22 November 2009]

I loved House of 1000 corpses. I really enjoyed The Devil's Rejects. Halloween... unnggg well... you know. As for this "movie"... It's basically unwatchable to anyone who has reached puberty... at least mentally. It never, ever fails to amaze me that an adult can watch something this childish and swoon the entire time over how brilliant it is. Just remake "Animaniacs", back it up with a pseudo "Rocky Horror Picture Show" soundtrack, draw lots of boobs and be sure to use the "F-word" every 30 seconds. Voila! Now it's not a sugar coated pile of poo made to sit your kids in front of to keep then from breaking stuff ... It's a masterpiece! Talk about irritating. The voices, sound effects and everything else is like a Hanna Barberra cartoon on crack. Complete with kazoos, crashes, whistles and fast paced, zippy cartoon overacting through 100 percent of this "movie". The soundtrack is the cheesiest rock opera version of "Rent" that I have ever heard on my life. Shreri Moon Zombie's super high pitched voice did fit in perfectly though. Like listening to a metal garden rake being scrapped across cement while suffering from a seriously bad hangover. Enough to induce vomiting and possibly even suicide. I also thought it was really classy how Rob found a way to plug every single product that he has ever produced... but what else could one do with "Yogi Bear on Crystal Meth" but turn it into one big commercial for (buurp... ugh COUGH... sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit) officially licensed Rob Zombie Merchandise ©.

Good god was this movie awful. I loathed it. As I write this review I can hear the accordions, bicycle horns, whistles and crashes mixed in with "classic rock" like "Mr. Roboto" and "Everybody's workin' for the weekend" coming from the next room. Thank god my gun is in the shop.

If you're the kind of person who can sit through an hour and a half of Deputy Dog or Tiny Toons and be wowed by the pretty colors and funny sound effects then you will just love this. I am positive that $9,999,990 of the $10,000,000 budget for this film went into researching ways to make it EVEN more dumbed down. I can see ol' R.Z. now... "Alright, we need to put even more F-words in because people are starting to loose interest". "MORE COWBELL I SAID!" So in the end, this IS NOT, NEVER WAS, AND NEVER WILL BE an adult cartoon. It is simply a Rob Zombie themed version of Tiny Toons with lots of F-Words and boobs thrown in to convince "adults" that their entertainment isn't on the same level as a third grader. I lost interest in these type of cartoons at about the same time I started growing hair on my pubes.

After really, really looking hard for some redeeming quality here, I did find one good thing about "El Superbeasto". The animators did a great job of staying in the lines. Great job guys! I would totally hang any of the stills from this movie on my fridge... That is if I didn't hate this movie.

This was just plain embarrassing... and nauseating. I think that I would rather sit through my grandparent's remake of "2 girls, 1 cup" than to to sit through this again. Yes, it really is that bad... to say the very least.

Necromaniac: Schizophreniac 2 (2003 Video)

Misanthropic Masterpiece !!!

[17 May 2009]

My wife is a total horror freak and got this movie from Netflix. She was making a copy of it to watch later when I turned on the T.V. After seeing about 30 seconds of it... I couldn't stop watching. Kind of like a car wreck or a Tijuana donkey show... It's vile, wretched, sick, disgusting, offensive... and I can't stop watching... WHAT WILL THIS MANIAC DO NEXT?! Needless to say, I went out and bought both of them because I had to have these two in my collection.

The performance put out by John Giancaspro as Harry Russo was amazing. The funny thing is, I found out that in real life, he is a laid back artist and not like that at all. I was almost completely convinced that Ron Atkins had broke him out of the Psyche Ward! The way this guy tears through Vegas like a hurricane, actually made me concerned for his safety. I don't think I've ever ever seen an actor with the same kind of energy.

It's funny how some people consider this movie "racist". It isn't. Harry Russo is a Misanthropic (a person who hates everybody equally) in the purest form. This movie is an all out assault on society in general. If you are the type of person who can find entertainment in something like a GG Allin show, then you will probably love this stuff... if you are the type of person who laughs until your sides hurt at shows like "Friends" or Rob Snyder, then this is probably way over your head.

So love it or hate it, I guarantee that this won't be anything like you have ever seen before. This one will shock even the most hardened film viewers. If your ready for the most offensive, politically incorrect, laugh riot of your life, then you have got to see this.

Schizophreniac: The Whore Mangler (1997 Video)

One of the most offensive/entertaining movies ever made.

[17 May 2009]

All I can say about the Necromaniac/Schizophreniac 2 series is... if you are even remotely "PC" or don't have a seriously messed up sense of humor, then you probably wont get it. As sick and disgusting as this movie is, it really is a comedy and not a "horror" movie at all. If you can appreciate somebody who pushes the bounds of good taste and political correctness to the most extreme limits imaginable, to the point where is becomes so out of hand that it's comical, then you must see this to believe it. This movie is so out of control that a major film studio couldn't touch this with a 10 foot pole (with a condom on the end). In my opinion though, the best, most extreme pieces of art come from way underground. If you don't stick to the same old formula that people are used to seeing, then they reject it.

I have seen stacks of terrible, boring, z-grade, Indy movies that were just a waste of a perfectly good VHS tape or DVD-R. I have also seen stacks of stink bombs coming from the big named studios that were a complete waste of millions of dollars. When a NO BUDGET film like these two from Ron Atkins/John Giancaspro come out and blow all of the other "shock" films completely out of the water, you really have to take a second look at the whole Indy movie scene. After seeing this, you can really see how much freedom an Indy film maker can have when they work on their own.

The funny thing is, even the other people who saw this movie and "hated it" admit to the fact that they laughed all the way through it. I don't think that is is possible for anybody to get bored watching either of these two. So if don't take everything that you seen in the mainstream media too seriously, and are able to laugh at a misanthropic, puppet wielding psychopath who has finally snapped, YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS. You may just be able to see it for the stand alone, cult classic that it is. Both Schizophreniac / Schizophreniac 2 are among the favorites in my collection of well over 1000 dvds.