fleischwolf Reviews

The Amazing Spider-Man: Spider-Man (1977) Season 1, Episode 1

Hilariously inept

[7 July 2004]

this spider-man series is always good for a laugh. most of all the special effects are amusing. for instance there are three ways that peter parker can crawl up a wall: first he is pulled up by a wire, while making crawling attempts where you of course see, that his hands and feet are not sticking too the wall, but slipping off of it. second, a horrible blue screen and third when he's crawling around on a wall that is actually horizontal, while turning the camera 90°, like in the old batman series, when batman and robin are "climbing" up a building. his web shooters are giant devices of solid metal that , when used are as loud as a shot gun (thanks goodness they dropped the idea of artificial web shooters in the new movie, it was really corny to begin with). the oh so nimble spider-man is such a moron that he drops his camera WHILE SNEEZING!!!! also the shots with spider-man running around on the roofs about Manhattan stupid. he runs around looking here and there without any sense or purpose, like someone looking for his watch he lost. and never mind the web slinging. he only does this twice in the movie and each time he seems as nimble as a drunken gorilla.

add to this a corny story line and hamfisted acting and you've got yourself a campfest worth watching for its cheer hilarity!

Deep Blue Sea (1999)

crap

[1/10 · 11 June 2003]

comparing this stinker to jaws is like comparing buffy to bram stokers dracula! in fact this film has nothing of the great atmosphere, the great script or the great cast of great actors jaws had!

this stupid movie has not only a story which some 14 year old could have come up with, it also has annoying flat characters, as there are:

thomas jane: the mysterious and brave hero, a tough, reticent daredevil and ladykiller

Saffron Burrows: spoiled rich girl who's getting all into trouble with her stubborn behavior

Samuel L. Jackson: the elderly wise guy, who has been through a lot and now keeps the group together in danger

and finally the most annoying LL Cool J: obligatory black cast as stereotype ghetto goof, who's turned into a godfearing cook, but still provides us with "cool" dialogue!! ARGH!!!!!

the only great thing in the movie where the animated sharks (and i'm not talking about the CGI here!!!!!), especially in the beginning, where Carter Blake pulls out the plate from the tigersharks' jaws! aside from that it was a really bad hollywood movie with no depth! not that Renny Harlin is known for producing films that do not fall into this category!

Stay Hungry (1976)

in it's own way an ok movie

[27 May 2003]

Well, this movie was a strange one, but somehow entertaining. Seeing Arnold playing a violin is just hilarious, he looks as if he would crack the instrument anytime soon in his big paw. The movies storyline was confusing at times and you ask yourself what the film is really about. Oh and couldn't they find a more appropriate name for an Austrian? I mean Joe Santo, come on! That sounds like a Spanish pornactor!

Hercules in New York (1970)

Great fun!

[27 May 2003]

This is one hilarious movie! Being Austrian myself I laughed hard at Arnolds thick Styrian accent! Well, this movie is a load of fun! Compared to more recent crap like the Hercules and Xena series this really shines like a sparkling gem! But why do people always mix Hercules with the greek pantheon? Hercules is the son of Jupiter in the Roman pantheon while Herakles is the son of Zeus in the greek pantheon! not that it matters in a movie like this though!

Gangs of New York (2002)

disappointing

[24 April 2003]

i thought that this movie actually might be quite interesting. however i was not to much impressed by it. it was too long and boring and the climax wasn't that thrilling eighter. it seems that the only movies scorsesi is capable of doing are those brutal classics like taxi driver, raging bull or goodfellas, but in providing this latest output with a gripping atmosphere he failed in my humble opinion.

some things where especially annoying for me: the music from the first fight in the beginning. those drums and guitars delivered a quite modern atmosphere, which doesn't fit movies like this.

the strange woman with the pointy teeth and steel claws. has almost some kind of cyberpunk appeal.

the black who is in the irish gang. why should he? i guess they put him in there to appeal to todays american audiance. but back then quotas where unknown. they surely didn't think like "hey, we've gotta employ at least one member of an ethnic minority in our gang."

bill cutting was so much over the top, that it got stupid from time to time. day-lewis did a good job in this role, but the character itself was overdone.

well, to sum it up, the movie has some impressive buildings and good acting, but it drags and has some flaws. it might appeal to americans in a way, but the average viewer won't be too impressed, i think.

Independence Day (1996)

What a load of crap

[9 March 2003]

i still remember seeing the first trailer for this movie in the theaters! they showed those action scenes which where really impressive, however allmost no dialogue! and they knew why!

i remember that i thought that this could be one of the greatest sci-fi movies ever. but it turned out to be a major disappointment.

the story has no depth, the characters are flat as pizzas, the plot is stupid, the dialogues are just plain bad, with unfitting comic relief.

will smith is beyond annoying, acting like the fresh prince put in a pilot uniform.

the aliens oh so high developed technology colapses after jeff goldblum injects a computer virus in their system via his laptop(!!!), did no one tell them not to open unknown e-mail-attachments?

bill pullman as the american president jumping in a f16 to fight the aliens is so much over the top and only feeds american patriotic feeling, like the rest of the film does(hence the title)!

i don't bother listing the rest of the holes in the plot, this movie has more of them than a swiss cheese!

all in all it's just a crappy movie with nice effects!

The Return of the King (1980 TV Movie)

Laughing out loud

[23 February 2003]

the mistake some people make with this movie is to take it seriously. i don't know if it was meant to be, but it's quite impossible to do so. it's more the statement of a director and scriptwriter totaly gone ape and providing the viewer with plenty of hilarious scenes, especially when you've read the books:

some of the most cheesy and silly music ever used in a movie and also much too often, making it seem like some odd musical, that aside they even didn't take some of tolkiens original songs from the book, but made up some lew lyrics with hilarious outcome(the bearer of the ring...)

gollum looking like a frog with ears

elrond with a goatee

bilbo looking like granny from little red riding hood

orcs looking like...ehh how describe them, maybe something like frogs with fangs and horned helmets? however they like to sing "funny" marching songs("where's a whip there's a way")

pippin having an annoyingly thick american accent, making him sound like some baseball commentator

the nazgul on horses with wings and looking like sceletor with a wig

olifants looking like mammoths

denethor beyond description

sting does not only look like a lasersword it also SOUNDS a little alike

samwise the faithful praying "to the lord above" and often utters things like "heaven" and "god help us". got to be the first christian in middle-earth

add to this a plot that makes no sense with huge gaps and in return lot of nonsense and unnecessary parts added

however the scene that really cracked me up was this dream sequence where he and sam are lying in the grass in the shire and some orcs pass them by peacefully and wave them with some melancholic expression. see it, if you want to have a good laugh!

Mission: Impossible II (2000)

it doesn't get more stupid than this

[1/10 · 12 January 2003]

why is it, that non-american directors coming to the usa allways try to top the local directors concerning cheesiness and stupid popcorn hollywood flicks?

just like roland emmerich with independence day or godzilla now john woo tries to make a movie witch would even insult the intelligence of todays low-brain popcorn-audiance!

when i saw this movie i couldn't help but laughing out loud at some scenes which were meant to be eighter dramatic or action filled! does it get anymore cheesy than in this scene when the bad guy beholds tom cruise walking by this ring of fire and this stupid dove ascending in slow-mo? and just before that, when he puts one of the villians a mask of his face on and vice versa? how good to always have some latex handy, not to mention that stupid voice modulator!

and did you ever slide on your shoes next to a motorbike riding 100mph? guess you would grind your legs up to your hips! but not ethan hunt! man this film reminds me of the old batman series concerning cornyness and unintented humor! "give me the shark repelant spray, robin"! nevertheless, i did feel ripped of after leaving the cinema! this movie wasn't supposed to be a joke and even if it did, it was a lame one! there isn't a more stupid way to blow up a huge amount of money than producing a movie idiotic and ridiculous like this!

Face/Off (1997)

one big bang of...nothing

[2/10 · 12 January 2003]

oh my, this is just another john woo "leave your brain at the entrance" film!

i don't bother looking at the silly plot and the scientifical impossibility of the whole idea! i know it's supposed to be an "action-movie"(which obviously rules out the possibility of a sencemaking plot these days!)but i allways feel left with one question after watching such movies: "what's the point"! maybe it's all my fault and i don't get it how to be entertained by such garbage! but i don't mind that however! the one question grabbing me after the film however was: why had john travolta them giving him his fat belly back in the end?

Cruel Jaws (1995 Video)

infamous rip off

[5 October 2002]

i am in awe, that the makers of this piece of trash aren't ashamed about their "work". most of the shark scenes are taken from the jaws movies! and those sharkscenes with a real shark are that of a white skark, not a tigershark! that aside, the whole plot and the "actors" (if you would call this untalented bunch this way)are beyond bad! watching this movie makes you angry for wasting the energy to keep awake during this fiasco!