PathetiCinema Reviews

Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)

Could Brent have stopped Taylor?

[10/10 · 27 July 2014]

We see Brent ( James Franciscus) getting shot and sliding down the wall at the end but we never truly know if he survived his injuries or not.

Do you think he was still alive when Taylor (Charlton Heston) activated the bomb? If so, how come he didn't attempt to stop Taylor?

There was plenty of time for Brent to crawl to Taylor and stop him detonating the bomb. Even though he had a few minor bullet grazes, Brent could have dragged himself toward Taylor.

Was Brent being selfish by remaining where he was shot? Was he frightened of receiving some more minor bullet grazes?

Should he have shouted 'Stop!' to Taylor?

Alien 3 (1992)

The bald men should have worn wigs so the alien would not know it was them.

[10/10 · 25 March 2014]

The bald men should have worn wigs so the alien would not know it was them. I can't believe that they did not think of this. If there were a stock of wigs this could have all been avoided. There would have been no needless deaths because the alien would not know it was them because they would all be wearing a wigs.

If they encountered the alien - it would not recognize them because they are not bald anymore. The bald men should have worn wigs so the alien would not know it was them. The bald men should have worn wigs so the alien would not know it was them. The bald men should have worn wigs so the alien would not know it was them.

Jaws (1975)

Quint - The odd one out

[8/10 · 10 March 2014]

If we reconsider this three man crew. - we can come to the conclusion that Quint, even though he was the owner of the boat, was the man who stuck out like a sore thumb on board.

Brody and Hooper both wore glasses and Quint did not.

Do you think that they should have taken advantage of their position and overpowered him? Strength through unity? One man without glasses would not be much of a problem for two men in glasses.

These observations can be extended further if one looks close enough.

Hooper had a full beard Quint just had a moustache Brody had neither. But he did have glasses.

The amount of facial hair decreases from Hooper down to Brody. Or if we look at it the other way - the facial hair increases if we go from Brody, through Quint up to Hooper.

The Godfather Part II (1974)

Excuse me while I gather myself.

[1/10 · 2 March 2014]

I just watched Godfather Part II and now I must take a moment to gather myself. It's all too much. My mind and body have entered what seems to be a state of shock and awe. I feel like just collapsing into a chair and staring into blank space. A blank stare of contemplation: Much like Michael did throughout the whole three hour duration of the movie.

If you'll excuse me I have to go now. I need to get a grip on the life shatteringly staggering events that I have just witnessed. I really need to lie down. I must recuperate. You see, my knees have turned to jelly. I may have to support them with my plastic kneecap.

Movies this powerful should be banned.

Avatar (2009)

Another lame offering from James 'Goodness Me!' Cameron.

[1/10 · 20 February 2011]

Goodness me! Once again James Cameron takes mediocrity to new heights. He places the mediocrity in a box made of gold and elevates the box onto a platform with spotlights pointing at it. Goodness me! He destroyed the Alien franchise with his trashy and brash sequel and then he turned a real sea tragedy into a cliché ridden, money spinning bore fest(Titanic). Goodness me! It seems that any project with his name attached is bound for sure fire success because it's James 'Goodness Me' Cameron and we must, by law, consider his works genius. (Goodness me).

Avatar is a computer game. Nothing more. I want to see a MOVIE when I go to the cinema, thank you very much and a big Goodness Me!

I shall now declare a national holiday. I shall call it 'Goodness Me Day' in honour of James Cameron.

Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983)

Your momma's loins.

[10/10 · 13 February 2011]

This is probably the best of the weak trilogy of cow pie and car movies. Burt Eastwood opted out of this one, leaving it up to Jackie Gleason to travel cross country with his imbecilic son, Junior, for no good reason. Junior slips on a banana skin and farts. Gleason shout " Your momma!" at him. Junior then sticks his ass out of the car window accidentally, offending a bus full of pensioners. Gleason shouts " Your momma!" at him. This carries on for an hour and a half until we are finally treated to the final scene of Junior farting and Gleason shouting "Your momma!" at him in a shock twist.

I found this to be the most entertaining of the trilogy. There were more fart jokes this time round, which shows the writers had really put more thought into the script at last.

Funny shiit. I am laughing as I write this. In fact, I think I've just split my pant. I must control my laughter. Excuse me a moment while I gather myself.

Get Carter (1971)

Saw this on a double feature with Mary Poppins

[10/10 · 7 February 2011]

This excellent family movie features a deliciously lightweight, almost camply humorous performance from Michael Caine as Carter. In this one he plays a gangster who is addicted to shooting people in the head from a vantage point (preferably on a beach). Anyway, Carter decides to have an enjoyable day with his rifle at the beach. He walks along the shore, throws his rifle into the water, swims out to retrieve the rifle, then throws it back in the water again for no apparent reason. He spends most of the afternoon retrieving his rifle from the seafront.

As the film draws to a close, we see Carter buying an ice cream, trying to assemble a wooden deck chair (a hilarious scene - the deck chair keeps collapsing every time he sits on it) and finally being shot in the head by a random lunatic.

This early 70's gangster comedy is still one of the finest in the genre, even outdoing The Godfather in the laughter stakes.

Piranha 3D (2010)

A Portion Of Fish And Tits, Please.

[3/10 · 24 November 2010]

Fish. Tits. Fish. Tits. Fish. Ass. Fish. Tits. Fish. Ass. Fishy ass. Fishy tits. Fishy ass...

That about sums it up really. Richard Dreyfus flashes his ass and then his tits. Christopher Lloyd then flashes his tits and ass. Then Kelly Brook flashes her penis which is eaten by a fish.

At this point, I was wondering how much more ass and tits I could take.

The cinema audience was also full of 'asses' and 'tits.' All of these people loving every minute of this garbage. What a shocking and disgraceful waste of film this atrocity is. Appealing only to the base members of society, this film gives them an orgasm of low, low entertainment.

" Duh, look at that fishy thing, Bert!" " Duh, look at that ass, Fred". " Duh, look at those tits, Ernie." " Duh, look at that floating penis, Chris."

E.T. (1982)

Chopping Onions Makes You Cry Also And Is Slightly More Enjoyable.

[1/10 · 27 September 2010]

I require a new sick bucket. My old metal sick bucket has eroded after just one showing of this saccharine shite. I loved my old sick bucket. It had withstood many sugary sweet abominations over the years such as 'Mrs.Doubtfire' and 'Lassie Come Home You Little Bast*rd', but E.T finally eroded the metal.

There were only so many insultingly manipulative swelling orchestral strings that the metal could take. I noticed the first crack in the sick bucket appear around that scene where everybody acts downtrodden and likable. Oh, hang on, that's every scene then.

Look closely at the moon as Elliot's bike fly's past. I swear you can see the man in the moon gagging and vomiting all over his cheese covered surface.

Even as a child I was not particularly fond of this slow, slow movie. Spielberg should make a movie about a man suffering from severe hemorrhoids and get John Williams to coat it in sugar. It could be quite effective.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)

Action Packed Classic.

[1/10 · 20 July 2010]

This film is bursting with action scenes! The scene where Kirk stares at the Enterprise, the scene where Scotty stares at the Enterprise, the scene where Bones stares at the Enterprise. The scene where the Enterprise is being stared at by Kirk is also a highlight. The scene where the Enterprise is being stared at by Scotty. The scene where the Enterprise is being stared at by Bones is another great one. The scene where they are ALL staring at the Enterprise at the same time is one of my favourites. The scene where the Enterprise is being stared at by ALL of them at the same time is even better.

I love this movie! It's long. I took a girlfriend to see it and by the time it was over I had not only kissed her but we had had three children and a holiday in Greece.

Attack Force (2006 Video)

Seagal's best movie.

[10/10 · 13 July 2010]

This movie has everything you could wish for from an action epic. Nice.

It has Seagal walking around in the dark and mumbling while wearing a black plastic looking knee length jacket. Gone are the nice black leather knee length jackets from his previous movies. Anyway, the knee length leather plastic jacket has to fight of hordes of junkies with a taste for junk. They attack with great force and a lot of people end up slightly dead. However, Steven Seagal's black knee length plastic jacket comes to the rescue and he mumbles at them and they all collapse. Nice.

Production values are high for this one. It must have cost at least a hundred dollars to make. Nice. Seagal really pulled out all the stops here( and all the jackets) and I recommend it as his finest work.

Holiday on the Buses (1973)

Martin Scorcese's Inspiration

[10/10 · 13 April 2010]

New York, 1973. Unknown film student Martin Scorcese was sitting in a darkened Manhattan cinema. He was watching Brian Izzard's Holiday On The Buses. It was this experience that made him the filmmaker that he became.

Scorcese was devastated at the beauty of Izzard's vision, his glorious understanding of photographing a scene, his eye for detail, his ability to coax incredible performances from Reg Varney and Bob Grant. Scorcese was wildly impressed at Izzard's ability to put on film a coherent, realistic portrayal of an underclass struggling amidst poverty and work pressures. This was one of Scorcese's favourite themes.

Indeed, Scorcese immediately ran home and penned Mean Streets as a response to Holiday On The Buses. His Mean Streets script originally included a character called Blakey but Scorcese edited it at the last moment to avoid plagiarism. Indeed, Scorcese's Taxi Driver was initially to be called Bus Driver, with it's central character of Stan Bickle spiralling into insanity amid a sea of bare breasts and exploding toilets.

Scorcese did try to secure Varney for the role of Bickle but Varney turned him down, citing that if Scorcese wanted him he would have to come to the UK to film Bus Driver.

This film had a profound effect on Scorcese. Holiday On The Buses deserves a 10/10 and I shall give it a 10/10.

Sharky's Machine (1981)

Burt and his binoculars.

[10/10 · 5 April 2010]

Burt Reynold's is tough cop Sharky. He likes sitting in skyscrapers and watching things through binoculars. So much so that the whole of this movie has Sharky sitting in a skyscraper watching things through his binoculars. Occasionally, he relieves himself by taking an urgent urination but soon it is binoculars time again. This is exciting! Later in the movie we get a glimpse of Burt sitting in a skyscraper watching things through his binoculars. Then, in an unexpected burst of action, he decides to watch things through his binoculars. The highlight of the movie is undoubtedly the ending scene where he watches things through his binoculars while in a skyscraper. A few less scenes of Burt watching things through his binoculars would have moved things along a little faster but, on the whole, not bad.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)

'Death And Other Minor Ailments'

[1/10 · 5 December 2009]

It started out with a realisation of the expectations I expected. Space battle! Noisy, flashy, happy cuttings editor on drugs. A grandiose hook for the biting off. Fishy audience, indeed.

THE SHAKES: They begin after short exposure to Haydn Christensen. His acting initiated severe stomach crampage. My adrenal gland was not pleased by this. Pulmonary rate increased. This was the normal... This was to be expected.... Character development was again the victim of the Overlook Hotel. My upper lip was to curl at this point. Nasty, thin presentations in the character dept. Think plants. Think VULGARIS LUCASIS.

SEVERE WIND AND DROOLING: Audience in a circular motion is not nice. No satisfactory destination being reached, indeed! Circular motion with bland plottings and a happy cuttings editor on drugs. Laser beam action time. TYPICA! without the L. Performance burial time. TYPICA! without the L. Cardboard cut out time. Nice! Droolage from the lower lip quadrant. Shakeings and droolings. Nice. Ahhh,...Wookie day. Nice! Fart time... Frankenstein reborn. Shock of the century! Laugh of the century! Genocide of all time. Shock factor 10. Repulsings.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

Middle Class Rubbish

[1/10 · 9 November 2009]

Once there were two boys who liked sitting in walking trees. So, they decided to climb a tree and wait for it to walk somewhere. It starts walking and they say 'thank you' to the tree. The tree walks. The boys sit in it. Sitting in trees is nice. Especially when you have to watch it for three hours...

Some time later, we see the boys sitting in a walking tree. Did I mention that they are sitting in a walking tree. Did I mention that I watched them sitting in a walking tree for three frigging hours? What a pile of pretentious, over-hyped crap. Dull, dull, dull.

I would rather pickle my testicles than watch this English middle class audience garbage again.

Batman (1989)

Goodness me!

[2/10 · 7 April 2009]

This movie stars JACK NICHOLSON as the Joker! Goodness me! I guess this movies only selling point is a selling point that did the job well enough as there is little else here to recommend it.

Dull, dull, dull is the keyword here. Slow, slow, slow is that words counterpart.

Jack Nicholson is what this movie is all about. No more, no less. It should have been called Nicholson.

SEE! Jack Nicholson prancing about with a silly grin! SEE! Some irrelevant guy in a cape running around without a silly grin (Batman). SEE! Two hours of turgid entertainment that has little to keep the viewer watching except Jack 'Goodness Me!' Nicholson.

I shall now declare a national holiday. I shall call it Goodness Me Day in honour of the fact that this movie stars Jack Nicholson.

(Goodness me.)

Live Free or Die Hard (2007)

God, this is dull.

[1/10 · 9 March 2009]

This movie is, indeed, about a man who is addicted to stopping things from exploding.

The problem started back in his youth when, at his 9th birthday party, a friend pulled a party popper next to his ear. McClane was severely traumatised by this and swore never to have ANYTHING explode ever again.

In this adventure, McClane must stop cyber terrorists from terrorising all things cyber. Their first target is Anthony Daniels, dressed as C3PO, who is appearing at a Star Wars convention. The terrorists are about to attack Daniels, clad in his cyber C3PO costume, but McClane arrives and shouts at them. They back down immediately and run off, sulking.

McClane chases them in cars and such and avoids a falling helicopter or two. He eventually stops them as they are about to explode something.

This movie is not as good as the '88 original, which had at least some sort of credibility and no C3PO.

Superman III (1983)

Unfairly Criticised

[10/10 · 3 March 2009]

Pathetic 'purists' are giving this movie an unfair low score so I am giving it ten out of ten. I love this movie. To me,a 'purist' also, this is the best Superman film.

It is simply the most enjoyable and has the most heart. Christopher Reeve is superb in this. Richard Pryor is excellent also.

"Goodness me! No! We can't have a Superman movie without Lex Luthor!" Get over it and stop being so dull. Familiarity breeds contempt. This movie had the balls to do something different. And it worked out just great.

It's funny that a movie so scorned by 'uberfans' should contain one of the best sequences of all the movies: The Superman V's Clark Kent battle. The 'purists' must be feeling very sick that such a great scene was not included in Richard Donner's movie. Leave it to Richard Lester, the enemy of most Superman fans, to pull of such a great scene! Well done, Mr. Lester.

People complain that Gus Gorman is just too comedic yet Richard Donner's movie gave us 'Otis' (Ned Beatty), a character that makes Gus Gorman look serious.

There is never a dull moment in Superman III. The best of the bunch by a long shot.

Heat (1995)

Goodness me!

[1/10 · 2 March 2009]

Goodness me! It's De Niro and Pacino in the SAME movie! Goodness Me! I am excited by this! Oh my goodness! Can this be true? Golly gosh goodness me! I must be dreaming! I have laid awake for years dreaming of a feature that contains these two actors. Goodness me! Shame that the actual movie is dull as dishwater. It crawls along like a turtle with leg problems.

Still, at least we have De Niro and Pacino together for the first time since they were together the last time. Goodness me! Golly gosh goodness me, in fact.

I shall now run around my house declaring a national holiday. I shall call the day 'Goodness Me Day'.

We shall all now get down on one knee and proclaim " Goodness Me!" to the wonder of this movie.

The Fighting 69th (1940)

Soldiers With Dirty Faces

[1/10 · 2 March 2009]

This movie is a rehash of Angels With Dirty Faces but with grenades instead of electric chairs.

Father Nice Guy (Pat O Brien) offers Jerry Plunkett a solution to all of his cowardice. He should either be thrown onto a grenade or go to the electric chair.

Plunkett is not too keen on the electric chair ( His cousin, Rocky Sullivan died screaming and begging on the way to one) so he figures if he's gonna die he'd better be dragged toward a live grenade.

Predictably, the moment comes and Plunkett's comrades drag him toward a live grenade and throw him onto it.

This has been done before and much better.

Batman Returns (1992)

Goodness me! It's Christopher Walken!

[1/10 · 2 March 2009]

Oh my goodness! It's Christopher Walken as Shreck! Goodness me! We must all respect this movie now.

Goodness me! I cannot believe Walken is in this! Golly Gosh Goodness Me! Even though this movie is dull as dishwater, at least we have Christopher Walken as Shrek! Goodness Me! We are lucky! The first Batman gave us the "Goodness Me!" factor of Jack Nicholson appearing as The Joker ( Goodness Me!). This one gives us the "Goodness Me!" factor of Walken appearing in it.

Shame there are no other saving graces for this bland extravaganza. Pfeiffer is bland. Devito is short and bland. The script crawls along like a turtle with leg trouble.

Still, on the redeeming side we have Walken as Shrek. He can save it for us. Goodness me!!!!!

Superman Returns (2006)

Makes Superman IV seem truly enjoyable.

[1/10 · 1 March 2009]

Superman IV may have had awful visuals but it was more enjoyable than this thing. This lifeless, dull, humourless fiasco trundles along and expects the viewer to be interested. Sorry, Mr. Singer, you failed.

More humour, better script and more charismatic actors may have helped a lot. Forget how impressive the visuals are - an engaging film needs not these things.

Spacey was awful in the Hackman role. Hackman had just the right amount of menace but what he had more was an element of the world weary. Hackman's Luthor surrounded himself with imbeciles and this is highly engaging for the audience. Spacey's Luthor is just an aggressive baldy guy and this is very boring to watch.

Routh may look like Clark Kent but he is also a rather uncharismatic performer.

While watching, I longed for Otis (Ned Beatty) to turn up and slip on a banana skin. I longed for Gus Gorman to turn up and trip over Otis who was just getting up again. A sign of life in a dead script. Perhaps they should have given this to Richard Lester.

Films nowadays are AFRAID of humour. They have their head so far up their own asses that they fail to see what keeps an audience engaged.

The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

'Stir Crazy' did it better.

[1/10 · 28 February 2009]

This movie was inspired by the brilliant Stir Crazy starring Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor. As an essay on prison life, Shawshank Redemption fails on every level that Stir Crazy managed to succeed on.

Shawshank is nowhere near as funny as Stir Crazy. There is not a woodpecker suited bank robbery to be found. There is no Grossberger, no homosexual black man hassling the heroes, no silly mania scenes. There is nothing here that even remotely comes close to emulating its predecessor.

The obvious links to the original are still there: Morgan Freeman in the Richard Pryor role and Tim Robbins as Gene Wilder. However, Robbins and Freeman are nowhere near Wilder and Pryor in the acting stakes and we end up feeling disappointed at their lack of conviction (no pun intended) in the roles.

Batman & Robin (1997)

N plus ice = nice.

[10/10 · 24 February 2009]

Swedish television star Arnold Schwarzenhoffen is very decent as the Man Of Ice, the best villain, indeed.

George Lazenby is very nice as the Man Of Steel also. He is my favourite Batman ever.

This movie is the most realistic of the series. I am liking the way the ice man is squirting his weapon over everyone. Very amusing. N plus ice = nice.

He is squirting it at Batman And Robert. They must escape. Tension! N plus ice = nice.

Joel Burton is a very nice director and his vision is an impressive one.

Uma Thermal is very nice as Poison Dwarf and so is Alicia Silverback as the Boy Wonder's girlfriend, Catgirl. Much sexings indeed. N plus ice = sexings.

Anyway, Man Of Ice is escaping his mental home and begins squirting the people of Metropolis with his ice gun. Batman and Roger must fight the Man Of Ice very urgently. I am liking this! N plus ice = nice.

Also, lots of plants are threatening to eat the citizens and a gang of underground maniacs join forces with Poison Dwarf to encourage the plants. Spooky. Nice! This is the best incarnation for Batman and is a vast improvement over Tim Schumachers original with Jack Nickelsun. I am sorry, I am spelling wrong, Jack Nicksenson. I apologise for my spelling. I shall try to spell it one more time - Jack Nikksonen. Oh forget it.

I love Arnooold Schwarzenneger and he is the star of this great epic. I recommend it to all Batman fans to see.

N plus ice = nice.

Gran Torino (2008)

Dirty Harry Collagen

[1/10 · 18 February 2009]

This movie is about Dirty Harry Collagen. Now retired, he is passing his time threatening door to door salesmen with his weapon. Nice. Anyway, Collagen decides to buy a new car and drive it around a bit. A gang of thugs steal his car and he gets out his Magnum Force.

This is not nice for the thugs who are busy hiding in the trunk of the Grand Tourismo.

Dirty Harry Collagen hears one of them fart in the trunk and locks them inside with their own odour.

This is the end of the thugs for sure as Harry also drives the car over a cliff. ( He jumps out before it reaches the edge.) Nice.

I wanted to like Grand Turismo but I found it to be not very pleasing on the brain.

Rent The Dead Pool for a defining Harry Collagen film.