jonb-29 Reviews

Mad About You (1992–2019)

Honking Rubbish

[1/10 · 25 June 2012]

If you like this please watch some other TV. A neurotic-without-the-smarts couple over-analyze ever single moments of their trite lives.

The wife is so annoying it's amazing. He's a hypocritical idiot and it's supposed to be funny? It's not charming, it's not fun, it's just plain wrong. To be fair I'm sure I did watch an episode that made me smile, other than the final. I just can't remember what it was.

The only positive thing about this abomination are the extras. At least they seem slightly interesting.

Watch "Snog, Marry or Avoid" and you'll know this is one sitcom that is best to "avoid".

It's rubbish.

Shutter Island (2010)

You ordered steak but you got tofu...

[2/10 · 25 April 2012]

This vanity piece from Di Caprio and what's his name is rubbish.

The initial OTT score on the boat should sound alarm bells. And it does. But not for the right reasons. I thought this was going to be an ordinary US Marshal movie. Instead we get interminable flashback after flashback. And what's worse? They're not even flashbacks per se.

Di Caprio can't be said to struggle with his on screen emotions, he's only got one. And frankly he just needs a good pair of contact lenses. That puzzled "I can't make this out" look wears very thin after an hour or so.

Bumbling and stumbling to the inevitable and oh so predictable conclusion leaves the viewer with a remarkably intense feeling of loss. The loss of more than two hours of their precious life.

On more mundane matters. Why does a lighthouse on a rock in the sea need a fence? Surely the sea and the single, very thick door are security enough? Sure, amateurs will analyze this travesty to death, but really this movie is as thin as buttermilk but substantially more annoying.

The Trip (2010–2020)

What? Am I watching the same TV series?

[3/10 · 17 December 2011]

I simply don't understand it. I've just listened to Coogan for 7hrs on his audio-book "...We need to Talk About Alan". And very, very funny it is too.

So if I like that, why do I find this hardening-artery of a TV series so bloody dire? It's true I'm not that keen on impersonations, and especially when they get repeated episode after episode as they do in The Trip. Maybe people who absolutely love impersonations wet themselves watching The Trip? But I doubt it.

Is it funny or just tragic? Well it isn't comedy and it's not tragedy. It's just two bloody boring self-absorbed gits sitting around gobbling at each other when they're not shagging/attempting-to-shag anything in a skirt.

Coogan needs to take a long, long look in the mirror. Oh wait, he does (and so do we). But it's just not funny and it's not sad, it's just boring and incredibly tedious.

There's a reason most TV shows have writers. That's because actors have about 15 minutes of talent when it comes to improvisation and that's exactly what you'll find here in The Trip. Fifteen minutes of entertainment and the rest should be sent to some digital equivalent of the cutting-room floor.

It's rubbish. But it could have been brilliant. The Trip owes me a few hours of my life back.

Here's Lucy: Lucy and Eva Gabor (1968) Season 1, Episode 7

Two hams is better than one?

[15 July 2011]

Harry get a job offer, $500 a week for "the right family" to baby-sit Ava, while she writes her new book in secrecy. Lucy gets $50 a week after Harry is generous.

Ava rocks up with a bag full of Hungarian Salami and is just like she is in Green Acres and Craig falls for her big time.

Unfortunately, two big hams on the screen at one time isn't as good as you might think. Typically, Lucy invites all her friends for autographs.

Having said that Ava looks genuinely delighted when Harry "eats-her-knuckles" that is kisses her hand.

The Ladykillers (1955)

A deeper shade of comedy.

[8/10 · 17 November 2010]

This really has got spoilers in it!

Makes modern US dominated cinema look like the "Friends" TV sitcom it most often is. The start and middle are your standard funny, older British movie fare. Entertaining and not too demanding. But when things start to go pear-shaped as the yanks say the cinematography really starts to kick in.

The movie goes from camp little old ladies besieging the villains to a astounding and remarkably effective scene with the body in the wheelbarrow taken across the bridge with steam and smoke from the trains beneath shrouding it.

And as each villain is cast into the inferno the tension builds and builds. The finale is excellent. How can you kill the last villain and cast him into the abyss with no-one alive to do it?

The Ruins (2008)

US cinema is in ruins

[2/10 · 9 November 2010]

I invented or discovered the 10%/1% rule of cinema. What's that you might say? Of all the movies made in a particular year, 10% will be good, 1% will be excellent. And those are the movies you will be able to watch at any time in the distant future. We're talking African Queen, Rear Window, Aliens, The Chipmunk Movie (just kidding). But you see what I'm saying. There is also a spot for really, really bad movies, Ed Wood style. But not the contrived wanna-be movie like Killer Tomatoes, that was just dumb.

The Ruins is not in the 10% of good movies, it is not in the 1% of excellent movies and it is not bad enough to be good. It's just like the wrapper on your hamburger. Functional, but disposable rubbish (and it leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth).

Every other reviewer has covered the plot, the acting and the cinematography. And it seems that in order to get a job on a set you have to promise to write a glowing review for IMDb. How else can you explain the fan-boy/girls wetting themselves and writing "Wow! This Movie is So Scary!" IMDb reviews over what is essentially a D-grade telemovie? The start was bad and it got worse. Enough said.

Altitude (2010)

"The Hills" only in a plane.

[1/10 · 22 October 2010]

Just when you thought American teen culture would vanish up it's own vacuous brain, along comes "Altitude". The jock, the nerd, the normal guy and the two chicks with enough eye-shadow to hot-mix an average size driveway are our cast. And that's it. There is no plot. Actually that's not true, there is a plot. But they wrote it on a single sheet of toilet tissue and still had plenty of room left over. More than an hour of interminable, angsty teen, "you lied to me" dialogue makes that average normal adult want to kick the nearest cat. Watch an episode of The Hills with the sound down. Did you see the girl talk to the boy?, did you see the girl talk to the girl?, did you see the boy talk to the boy? Well, you've just seen Altitude except it wasn't in a plane. In summary, awful, trite, banal and so very, very American Teen.

The Crazies (2010)

Rubbish

[2/10 · 23 June 2010]

What a total waste of my time. Romero must need some cash. Because there's no other reason he'd be associated with this otherwise. It started rubbish, the middle bit was rubbish and the end was even more rubbish (if that's possible). The acting was trite, the script was written on the back of a beer-mat. And the plot had more holes than a bit of foam. Basically I was left wondering "why?" for most of this lame duck. And on a technical note. I understand Americans are really great, but, do they really expect to survive a crash when the vehicle rolls several times and they aren't wearing a seat belt? Cause if that is the case, maybe all those Nascar drivers should get rid of their helmets and safety harnesses and just handle the roll-overs in their boxer shorts.

As I said, rubbish.

A Scanner Darkly (2006)

A little blue tragedy

[9/10 · 18 May 2010]

Briefly, the use of the animation really suited the story-line. And the opening scenes with the bugs had us scratching our hair, and checking out our dog out too.

Other reviewers suggest that the main character and undercover cop played by Reeves somehow became addicted to the drug "Substance D" either accidentally or because he enjoyed taking it so much. My take on this is that he was "set up" by the agency into becoming an addict. In the final scenes this becomes clear when his controlling officer says "we're colder than they are". This is a initially amusing movie that becomes a harrowing tale of betrayal and manipulation.

A masterpiece.

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

If you like Nazi concentration camps...

[1/10 · 9 May 2010]

At what point does art deviate from sicko? As a fairly rough guide it's here. I could feel my humanity being sucked away as I watched (endured) this foul cinematographic extrusion. I've seen "Sweet Movie" so I know sick. Torture porn is good if it makes you realise how crap the world is, torture porn because it is "kewl" is so wrong it makes my skin crawl. And that's what this was. Sure the fan boys without lives will say otherwise. And that's the point, if you have a life you'll be sickened and disgusted by this, just not in a good way. It's been more than nine months since I was stupid enough to watch this movie. I'm not religious, I don't believe in god but these people are from the wrong side of the tracks. If you enjoyed this, can I suggest you head down your local mental infirmary and check yourself in? For the good of humanity.

Electroma (2006)

Why bother?

[3/10 · 27 March 2010]

If I'd seen this in a art-house cinema I would have walked out. But it was on my local public TV station so I watched it. Why? Well it was free. But that's all. This movie starts nowhere, goes nowhere, and finishes up nowhere. And in marked contrast with other reviewers I find silence just a bit boring when overdone. And it was really overdone in this self-indulgent "art work". And to think it took four, that's right four! writers to make this. Sure the scenery was good, but so what? It's been done a thousand times before (and better). Sure the music was atmospheric, but so what? it's been done a thousand times before (and better). Basically, the local public TV 30 second promos had the entire film in them. I kept waiting for something to happen. But no, watch the 30sec promo a few hundred times over and that's Daft Punks "Electroma".

Cult film? I don't think so...

Death in Brunswick (1990)

Ordinary

[4/10 · 5 January 2010]

A fairly mediocre film with three wasted talents. That's wasted as in not used to their full potentials, not what you might think. This movie could have been so much more, but seemed to just "get-by". Neil is wooden, really wooden, he makes an old growth forest look like it's made of PVC and polycarbonates. Clarke is his usual self but doesn't have much to work with and Zoe does a good job. Especially given that she got her assets out in a scene. Aside from that it feels dated, and boring. The "ethnic" Australian angle wasn't used to it's best potential. Although other reviewers comment on the "nastier" aspects of this movie it's really very tame and the nastiest thing about it is the horrible 80's leather pants. Straight to DVD stuff.

Dead Air (I) (2009)

Zombie, they're called zombies!

[1/10 · 16 November 2009]

Far from combining the best bits of Pontypool and 28 days this managed to ignore them. Whilst shamelessly copying them. (if that makes sense?) Pontypool was different and got progressively tenser, this just stinks. The Radio DJ, "we must stay on air" spends effectively no time on air. He sits on his bottom and watches the TV for news. This is by far the worst excuse for a zombie movie ever. Is there a single person in the USA or indeed the world who doesn't know what a zombie is? Or ever heard of the word "zombie"? Well, by the 50th minute this bunch of misfits are still calling the zombies, "the infected ones" or the ones with "rabies'. The word "Zombie" might make a guest appearance later, I could care less. Maybe there's a copyright where you have to pay to use certain words? Like the Bluetooth earphone is called "the ear-thingy" I kid you not! To finish, no plot + no acting = no-one cares. A waste of time, a shameless, poorly executed rip-off.

Blood Descendants (2007 Video)

Bloody Awful

[2/10 · 1 October 2009]

I've given this travesty 2 out of 10 because as the other reviewer mentioned the actual production quality was OK. I try not to give too much away in reviews because I think they should be more about impressions than every single line spoken, shot filmed and such like.

In this case I make an exception. Filmed in four locations, the graveyard, the diner, the college rooms and the house, this is wildly boring. A family feud that results in the murder of the boyfriend/father back in the olden days (where everyone's shirts were amazingly fresh and white, as if!) has implications when the modern relatives meet up.

But it's not really about that at all, it's about four sick, twisted and generally scum American students who tape their "friend" having sex with his virginal girlfriend. After having filmed her having a nude wash through her window. And then they want to put it onto a porn site.

Not a very nice or polite thing to do. So when they get killed by the ghost that's her sort of partner from the olden days you can't help but feel; "Don't kill them so fast, make them suffer more". There was some astute writing in that they left the most foul American college student girl until last to be sent to hell.

Not a pleasant movie, especially as you're left thinking "I wanted those college students to scream in agony".

Topkapi (1964)

Female lead roles should be just that

[4/10 · 16 September 2009]

This was a good movie except for the awful lead female. For at least 3/4 of the movie we were going "it's a guy in drag". Seriously, even in the 1960s sexy was sexy, but in this trans-gender casting we just couldn't tell. The story is good, maybe even very good, the script is OK, the score good and the cinematography excellent. Some of the more American actors grate but hey!, that's Americans for you. So, overall, this could have been a classic 60's movie. The miscasting of Ms X was a fatal flaw. We're sorry, but it's just not good enough. And it wasn't back then either. Why IMDb needs 10 lines I don't know, after all it's supposed to be a review not a step-by-step analysis of each and every scene in the movie.

Platoon of the Dead (2009 Video)

So it's not saving Private Ryan...

[4/10 · 31 August 2009]

Sure this was a bad movie but it was watchable. The plot, despite being as thin as buttermilk to start with eventually curdled into an intriguing idea. And for that reason alone it was worth watching. With some development I could imagine a series of kick-dead-ass movies based on the premise. It's undeniable that it was all over the place in the acting, filming, score and direction but it was sort of like a twisted "Dog Soldiers" (maybe). The plastic guns and Star Wars type lasers didn't detract from the movie. The long-haired captain was interesting as were the others. Basically, think Ed Wood and you won't be far wrong, although in PotD the sets weren't cardboard.

Rise of the Scarecrows (2009 Video)

Dicky, you hero!

[8/10 · 26 June 2009]

This was truly a freaked-out effort. I noted that "Dicky" wrote, directed and acted in it and made sure that the only nude scene was of his "on-screen" wife. Nice one! This movie is worth it just for the gratuitous nude shower scene, Amanda is very photogenic. Aside from that the sheer bulk of the actors is awesome, this is what the real USA looks like. The acting is substandard, in some cases you can tell the director (Dicky) said "Look, just wander around bitching about kids hassling you". The fight scenes are laughable. But the lack of "POW, SMACK, BIFF" somehow work to make this a more realistic movie, maybe. The plot would easily fit on a napkin, OK maybe half a napkin. We took three nights to watch it all but it was worth it. Because now we can say in all honesty, "We have seen the worst movie ever made, and we loved it!"

Tôkyô zonbi (2005)

Black Fuji and Baldzombie

[8/10 · 23 June 2009]

A great fun watch. Two workers who prefer to spend their time training in jujitsu accidentally kill their boss and bury him on Black Fuji, an enormous pile of rubbish. There are some great scenes on Black Fuji with the young couple burying the mother of the boy while she continues to call the girlfriend a tart. When the girlfriend soccer kicks her head off the mother still yells abuse. This sets the tone for the whole movie. Our unlikely heroes are afro-ed and bald and spend a lot of time wrestling with each other. When the zombies attack the main motto is "head north to Russia and become a man". American is dissed and maybe that's why Americans haven't taken to this excellent cult manga film. It's not overly violent and has lots of humour.

In a Lonely Place (1950)

They'll rip your heart out, cook it and serve it up to you.

[5/10 · 20 June 2009]

I didn't like this movie. Bogart was good, Grahame was good but it was annoying, Unlike other reviewers who suggest that Bogart's character was flawed and unlikeable I couldn't get over the shift in Grahame's character Laurel. She started the movie as a tough, independent free-thinking woman but ended up listening to gossip and innuendo. It was like two different women. Especially as she starts off the movie with the knowledge that Bogart's Steele may have just murdered a girl. That's OK with Laurel, but after her masseuse has a few bitter words in her ear and the dumb wife of Steeles cop friend put their oars in she has doubts? I saw this as a classic 1950's womens movie, listen to your girl-friend's gossip and you'll lose your man. Sure I'm discounting Steeles aggression especially the over-the-top fight after the car smash. But really, that was over done.

Grizzly Rage (2007 TV Movie)

Toxic bear? more like toxic producer, director and actors.

[1/10 · 27 May 2009]

Why should detritus like this have to have so many lines to get a review on IMDb? Other reviewers voted for the bear, I was hoping my liver would leap out of my body and thrust itself down my throat cutting off oxygen to my lungs and hence my brain. This was wrong not on "so many levels" but on all levels. This movie as far as I could bear (pun intended) to watch it stank. OK, let's start. One girl going off with three guys? not nice... Maybe if they'ld been Church-going types. Even then it's wrong. (Is this actually what the USA is like?) Moving on, they fool around in their 4wd kill a bear cub and then get hunted by the oh so predictable toxically challenged bear mom. The formulaic crash later sees them looking to repair that steamy thing at the front of the car. Not only do they bring a cooler full of empty "evian" bottles, but they don't seem to realize a 4wd means four-wheel-drive, so the "dude, our tyres spinning" line makes the idiots look like they belong in kindergarten, as they and the "people" who made this do. The bear was laughable, no, that's not true, I cried it was that bad. Did the director, producer etc put their names at the start of this? I can't remember. I'm betting they only put it at the end knowing only teenagers intent on scoring might make it to the cringing finish (sorry teenagers, but hey, if it gets you where you're going who cares! right!).

Finally, even the scenery was lame.

Alien Raiders (2008)

"Aliens" in a Quicky-Mart?

[9/10 · 23 May 2009]

A truly pleasant surprise. Sure there were plot holes you could drive a Buick through but so what? This movie has the redeeming feature of not having too much money thrown at it in production, or maybe it had some-one who knows how script, plots and cinematography really work. Set almost entirely in one location the A-Raiders starts off as some sort of confused and bungled store heist. As the movie progresses you can see that there's more to the hold-up than is obvious. This is a great B-grade movie that relies on atmosphere and a decent screenplay rather than tits (Zombie Strippers - yuck!). That's not to say that the effects were poorly done, rather they were appropriate and added to the suspense instead of diverting attention. It's restored my faith in modern American film-makers after some absolute turkeys I've seen recently.

Zombie Strippers! (2008)

What spoiler? If you don't get what this lame duck is about...

[1/10 · 21 May 2009]

Let's start with some honesty. I only managed 43min of this movie. I use the word movie very loosely here, because it wasn't a movie. It was an excuse to get some silicon impregnated women on screen. And an attempt to justify what to me is one of the more sickening features of modern American life, that being strip bars. So, this review is supposed to be about the movie but really like the movie it is more about the degradation of women and the sad people who go to strip bars. Except that the movie was supporting the "pole dancing" scene. I'm amazed. The movie was trite, predictable and boring (how many silicone titted anorexic women do you need?). Here's a tip for movie makers. If you want to do a low-grade titty movie just do it! Don't wreck another genre because you have no creativity. Just get some girls on a beach, get them to take their tops off. And hurrah! a movie that will sell to millions of frustrated US male teens. Pathetic.

Ghosts of Mars (2001)

A flashback to the '80's except not so good.

[4/10 · 31 March 2009]

I've been a fan of JC for at least 20 years. But this is a stinker. It's hard to know where to begin. But let's have a look at one minor technical issue. I'm so sick of the stereotyped "you'll do what I say {cock the weapon}". Either those are semi or full automatic weapons or they're not. So when they work the action they're just ejecting an unfired round. Very, very silly. Sure it looks dramatic but it sucks. It's hard to know what JC was thinking with this one. Straight to video? The plot is lackluster, the acting ordinary. The full length leather coat for the "commander" was laughable. It was like Mad Max but without the clarity of vision. And that's the reality of this: "Mad Max" but on Mars and with irritating blondes.

Otto; or, Up with Dead People (2008)

Brilliant, psuedo-80's Gay Zombie Flick.

[9/10 · 18 March 2009]

This movie is a masterpiece on several levels. The acting was excellent, cinematography compelling, script very good and the score fantastic. Otto is a multi-faceted gem and each bit shines. The black&white silent film era girlfriend is so delicious you could eat her. (That's such an original and well executed idea.) There is a lot of gayness, but that adds to the overall effect rather than detracting from it. Dr K (spouse) loved this movie even with the full-on intestinal sex bits. The flash-backs to Otto's previous life are so bright and happy it really accents Otto's current "un-life". The female director was slightly overdone but still hilarious. This has made our year movie-wise, and we'll be looking for more Bruce Labruce...

To Catch a Thief (1955)

Aging director makes movie for young(ish) starlet

[3/10 · 15 March 2009]

My wife tells me Hitchcock had a thing for Kelly and having seen this travesty I can believe it. Kelly is awful, her acting is so wooden it makes Climate Scientists sit up and go "Hey! Carbon Sequestration". Grant is his usual OK self. Although, having said that the idea that he fought in the French resistance was laughable. The only person who could act was the Kelly's mother, she made an abysmal movie into an ordinary one. The predictable plot, boring old Hitchcock shot, and far too many frocks turned a possibly OK movie into what this is. Don't believe others when they say Kelly is great. It's simply not enough to look good unless you have some charisma too (and it doesn't hurt to be able to act either).

In one word, turgid, in two words, Grace Kelly.