sexdwarf Reviews

Splatter: The Architects of Fear (1986 Video)

Why wasn't this actually made?

[3 December 2002]

SPLATTER is interspersed between real-live action sequences of a "movie" and a documentary crew going behind the scenes to show us how the grisly fx are achieved. The "movie" portion is awful. For starters, it's shot-on-video. So right off the bat it's production values are that of your typical 80's porn. The story, or lack thereof, concerns a tribe of amazon queens doing battle with all sorts of zombies and mutants. The gore is cheap and phony, yet strangely disgusting and gratuitous. A very dated but enjoyable synth score plays throughout to spruce things up a bit. I won't lie though, this portion of the film is extremely entertaining and I wish a real movie called SPLATTER was made and not this pseudo-documentary piece. The behind-the-scenes portion of the film bogs things down a bit. Stupid humor, a dumb character named Fang and a shot that would've been cool, loses all merit when it is played over, and over and over again.

But, the most amazing thing about SPLATTER is that there once was a time when something so offbeat, so corny and low-budget like this was made. I'm talkin' 100% Velveeta here. If you dig REDNECK ZOMBIES then SPLATTER is surely worth 75 mins. of your time.

A Night to Dismember (1983)

There are some movies you just HAVE to see...

[6 October 2002]

A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER may not be one of them, but jesus, I honestly can't think of another film so disjointed, so visually unattractive, so inane and illogical beyond belief as this train wreck on film. So, because of that I strongly suggest anyone who seeks out the macabre, twisted, odd and unusual to do whatever it takes to see this movie. Thinking back, I'm almost sure it has to do with a woman released from an insane asylum and a whole lot of elevator music and narration. A detective narrates the entire film (!), telling us things that have absolutely no relation to what we are actually seeing. He stumbles and stutters his lines, coming across like an 8 year old with dyslexia. It's actually very funny. Occasionally, the actors in the film do get to speak (albeit they are HORRIBLY dubbed.) Much of the time when they are speaking, we aren't shown the actors' faces, rather their feet, a couch or a house plant! Oh yes, like any Doris Wishman film we get plenty of shots of people's feet. She must've had a foot fetish, like 99% of America I suppose. Ok, I'm trying to give you the plot of this car accident but it is physically impossible. Woman gets out of loony bin, her brother and sister try and drive her back there (for what reason, I have NO idea), a few gory murders take place (in the HG Lewis gory way) and before you know it, this 70 min. mess is over and you wonder to yourself JUST WHAT IN THE HELL YOU WATCHED. And just in case the movie itself isn't surreal or bizarre enough, Wishman throws in a couple of dream sequences to REALLY throw you off. In one dream, a woman is slashed and knifed to death about 100 times, slashing and knifing, over and over and over.. She moans like she's having an orgasm. Speaking of orgasm, A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER probably has a budget much lower than your average porn. Technically speaking, THIS IS UNDOUBTEDLY the worst motion picture made. Point blank. But, I found enough enjoyment to watch it multiple times. It's funnier than most comedies, and makes not a lick of sense that it BEGS to be watched. A true spectacle.

The Weirdo (1989)

Oh yeah, this is gonna be painful.

[28 September 2002]

Scanning through the threadbare plot: Mildly retarded man falls in love with troubled girl, is pushed around by town bullies and then, eventually snaps, murdering those who caused him pain. THE WEIRDO, made by one of the most reviled directors in cinema history - Andy Milligan - should be taken with a grain of salt. He has a passion for the odd and makes due with what he's given, but we all know he doesn't have a talented bone in his body. Here, in THE WEIRDO, Milligan's budget seems to have been "upped" significantly since bad movie epics like THE BLOODTHIRSTY BUTCHERS and GURU THE MAD MONK. Fortunately, those schlocky aforementioned films had a certain flare in 'em, while THE WEIRDO is nothing but talk, talk, talk without pay-off. I had hoped in the final massacre it'd be in brutal and spectacular fashion. Unfortunately, Milligan seemed more in interested in making a drama about Donny's torment, pain and involvement with his romantic interest, so little focus was on the actual revenge theme. I'm pretty sure I dozed off at some point, but in a movie like this, can ya blame me? Really, this is bottom-of-the-barrel material. Apart from the interesting highly derivative] concept, THE WEIRDO has absolutely NOTHING of worth.

Don't Go in the House (1979)

Dark, cheesy, creepy, and ahead of it's time!

[28 September 2002]

Yes, DON'T GO IN THE HOUSE is definitely ahead of it's time. Utilizing the "abused child" theme that Bill Lustig's MANIAC used to better effect later on, this grim flick still packs a punch. Though only one murder is shown in graphic, agonizing detail DON'T maintains a substantially disturbing, depressing, somber feel throughout. The whole film is pretty much shot at night or with very low-key lighting. While a dark movie might ruin the enjoy ability for some, DON'T definitely excels in this aspect. The raspy voices that fill our troubled anti-hero's head, his dream sequences and hallucinations are immensely chilling and work great. While Donny is sick beyond belief, you actually feel sympathy for him. He is both the murderer and a victim. Mostly this is a cheap exploitation flick, made on a shoe-string budget and probably shot in a few days. But, I can't help to feel there is much more hiding underneath it's shady exterior. After the film is long over, it stays with you. While the ending is unbelievable and nearly ludicrous it is unsettling to the nth degree. Like the similarity I made earlier to MANIAC, it seems as if Mr. Bill Lustig saw DON'T GO IN THE HOUSE before making his own splatter-masterpiece and then "borrowed" the ending, throwing in buckets of gore. Gore. That's one thing DON'T does not have, yet remains more nihilistic than other features overflowing in the red stuff. To get to the point, this nasty little movie is as close to "horror" as it can get. And in between tense scenes, Donny enjoys listening to his disco music. The disco scenes are a breath of fresh air amidst the cruel, barbaric nature of the film and actually evoke a chuckle or two looking back on such a cheesy era. The department store salesman was also a hoot: "You'll steal the show" he says to Donny in a sinister voice. This isn't something I'd recommend to everyone, but it is an oft-overlooked film in the early 80s slasher cannon. Hey, if you liked MANIAC you'll surely get a kick out of it's inspiration (least that's my hypothesis.)

Monster Dog (1984)

Bad boring horror and Cooper's voice is dubbed!!

[15 September 2002]

Why oh why did they dub over Alice Cooper's voice? I won't ever understand this. MONSTER DOG, taken into the right hands, could've been a pretty nifty werewolf flick. Instead, a hack talent directed this no-budget sloppy mess and the results can cure insomnia. Cooper plays a pop arist, who, along with a few friends travel back to his hometown to shoot a new music video. Just so happens the town's been overtaken by mad killer dogs (!) Where did these dogs come from? Why only recently are they on the rampage? Oh well. A forgivable flaw. I mean as long as the movie is entertaining, who cares? Right? Shoot, unfortunately it's a complete gab-fest. Nothing really happens until about an hour into the flick and then, when something does finally happen it isn't anything to write home about. The "special fx" are laughable at best, with quick shots of the werewolf (presumably to hide how amateurish looking it is. There's even a transformation sequence! AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON this ain't!) Gore is sparse, although I must say there was a rather graphic, realistic looking bite wound done to Cooper's shoulder that was mighty impressive looking. But, then I think about that ultra-fake shotgun-blast-to-the-head and suddenly realize the aforementioned effect was a total fluke. Characters are whiny and abnormally dumb. One girl walks off into the countryside for no apparent reason, despite the fact that she is fully aware of the mad dog warning. Best scene: Dream sequence where a woman is tormented by an old man caked in blood. She locks herself in a room where he relentlessly pounds on the door moaning to let him in. Eerie stuff. Otherwise, MONSTER DOG is hazily shot, blandly directed, featuring awful pop songs by Cooper himself, a boring music score and ATROCIOUS dubbing! Avoid!!

Unhinged (1982)

Worth a look despite it's shortcomings.

[13 September 2002]

This is one bizarre movie. After being treated to an agonizingly long period of opening credits over black screen, the film starts and we are quickly introduced to our heroine in the shower (first of many). She and two friends are off to a rock concert but alas, in these type of movies, they never reach their destination. As they drive down the winding path through an ominous woodsy area they hit a pot hole and total their car. The trio awaken in an old creepy mansion. There, they meet a delightfully quirky mother-daughter team, hiding a sinister secret. Just so happens they're stuck in the middle of nowhere and without a phone. One of the girls is badly injured so naturally they are invited to stay as guests for a few nights by the odd couple. The house is creepy and brooding, darkly lit, quiet and is very fitting I must say. It really gives this already eerie film a nice atmosphere of paranoia and dread. The girls quickly learn just how demented the mother of the household is , what with her hatred of men and how barbarically she treats her daughter (who is also pretty nutty and extremely ugly looking!) Anyway, weird things occur and the bodies start to pile up, all the while cheap synthesizer music blares in the background. UNHINGED is another run-of-the-mill slash flick that followed in the wake of FRIDAY THE 13th. Direction is bland and flat, production values are minimal, acting is stiff and the plot is fairly tired (even by early 80s standard.) But, it is because of these flaws that UNHINGED rises up above the rest and manages to become a downright creepy, unnerving film. The way-out there ending also helps a bit :) There isn't much violence or gore but when a slashing does occur it is quick and mean, in particular the final murder which is damned disturbing. Most wouldn't find any redeeming qualities here and yes it is talky in parts, but I found it all rather good build-up. Look, UNHINGED isn't a fine film by any means but you can literally feel the impending doom in the pit of your stomach from the moment the credits start, and for that I applaud it.

Psychos in Love (1987)

The best movie Troma never made!

[12 September 2002]

Ok, PSYCHOS IN LOVE is pure unadulterated silliness from start to finish. Not a moment of it is to be taken seriously and anyone who does take it seriously should seriously have their head examined. It plays out very much like a poor man's Troma film (if that's possible!) replete with lots of unconvincing gore and T & a shots. The two lead actors are a hoot and do their job very well. I especially liked Kate's character and how they made her up to look like Molly Ringwald. Plot is fairly simple: Two mad slashers meet, find they share a similar hatred for grapes (!!) and before you know it, they're headed for the altar! Amidst the romancing and killing, a cannibal plumber named Herman is on the loose. The sub-plot involving the cannibalistic plumber doesn't go far but then, you aren't watching PSYCHOS IN LOVE for depth and characterization. Herman comes to fix the psychopathic newlyweds sink, finds out they are killers, blackmails them and then. I had a fun time watching this thing. The jokes are extremely dark and subtle, and are almost always dead on. A real gem in a long line of slapstick comedy-horror. Recommended for connoisseurs of all things cheap and stupid.