JonjaNet Reviews

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (2017–2022)

Bold move choosing not to be funny

[2/10 · 13 October 2023]

As much as I want to like MST in all its forms, this attempts to keeping the show alive are pale shades of the even the worst of the original.

The new crew come across as a group of fans who THINK they can riff like the cast of MST. (There are a ton of folks doing the same level of riffs on YouTube.) Jonas and the bots all sound to similar and each provide the same style of "jokes". They lack the personality that Joel/Mike, Trace/Bill and Kevin brought to their characters.

There are many seasons, most of them pretty damn funny, of the original show that can be endlessly watched.

Turn down the lights (where applicable) and keep circulating the tapes.

Lion-Girl (2023)

Too little action, too much everything else

[3/10 · 7 October 2023]

Can't decide if it is trying to celebrate anime and manga, or if it is making fun of it. Too long and boring either way. Whatever the point is, it takes WAY too long getting to it. LOTS of gratuitous nudity, a little gore (could have stood to swap that) and a disappointing amount of fight scenes.

Film spends a whole lot of time gazing at our heroine in, and out, of her superhero costume and literally tells us how she has been trained in all forms of martial arts and fighting styles, so you really feel like it is building up to an epic fight scene SOMEWHERE in the movie, All you get is some glowing special effects and everyone staring at one another until one of their heads explode!

Overall I found the premise and the general idea great, but I was really disappointed in the execution.

Killer Kites (2023)

Stupid, but has some great moments

[4/10 · 5 May 2023]

This film is stupid. Make no mistake how stupid it is. The previous film from this team, SEWER GATORS, is much more refined and a damn fun time. This film makes that film look like CITIZEN KANE, well... maybe not. Maybe CITIZEN KANE's porn parody.

Anyway, point is this film is outrageously dumb. All that being said, I smiled the whole way through. There is some really clever sight gags and lines that brought legitimate guffaws from me.

I'm not ashamed. I'm proud to have watched this movie! I'll walk into work tomorrow and declare, "I watched Killer Kites!".

Not a film for everyone, but... No, that's it.

Vampus Horror Tales (2020)

Not bad, some really good! (But needs more readable subtitles)

[6/10 · 5 March 2023]

A collection of short horror tales stitched together by grave digging "Vampus".

None are terribly scary, a couple are a little boring, but most are a lot of fun!

This is all Spanish language and that leads to a big complaint. The subtitles! They are way too small and always in white. The film is black and white so in many moments the text is completely lost in the background! Really annoying.

Outside of the issue with the subtitles, I really enjoyed a lot of this anthology film. The "Vampus" storyteller is a the highlight for sure! His inner monologue is worth the price of admission alone!

The strongest stories are early on, and they get a little weaker towards the end, but all are beautifully shot and well acted and directed.

Monsters of War (2021)

Dumb people making the worst decisions

[1/10 · 19 February 2023]

This is awful! Even for a bad movie it is BAD!

Crappy child actors that are obviously reading things off of cards, a "star" whose giant fake eyelashes make her look like an aged out porn star, and some of the cheapest CGI.

Just a collection of really stupid people making the absolute worst decisions.

In the first 5 minutes the "porn star" yells questions to her kids, we hear no response, but she acknowledges something as if they did, then when a giant monster worm finds its way to the roof of her car, rather than driving off, she and her kids get out and run to a cave! (Which doesn't go well for them, but not as bad as the audience may hope) I post this as a warning. STAY CLEAR OF MONSTERS OF WAR.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)

Shout and it will seem like you care...

[3/10 · 9 February 2023]

That must have have been Shia Labeuof's direction in this. I'm guessing he was contractually obligated, because he never looks like he wants to be there. Honestly, he didn't have to be. His character was shoehorned in so hard into this film, it's no surprise that something broke.

Action films shouldn't be boring. This is boring from start to finish. No surprises, no thrills, just... mayhem pretending to be some it isn't.

How anyone could screw up something like TRANSFORMERS is beyond me. A whole generation worships a 40 year old cartoon! Why they couldn't tap into that more and make something the slightest bit entertaining... it just baffles me.

Guru, the Mad Monk (1970)

Everything, including the kitchen sink...

[4/10 · 2 February 2022]

Let's see... We have Hunchback of Notre Dame, shades of Burke and Hare, a little Lady Carmilla... Just everything that Milligan could cram in, he did. (Motor scooters in the 17th century be damned!) Sometimes the actors rise above the dreck, but not this time. Our lead "hero" sleepwalks his way through the movie making him look less intelligent than the poor hunchback.

The lead actress is quite beautiful IMO, but her fake eyelashes and pixie cut hair do are just a LITTLE out of place. (But so is the aforementioned scooter and a light switch or two) I've become so enamored with Milligan's films.

Legacy of Blood (1978)

I gave this a 10 just for the ending!

[10/10 · 1 February 2022]

I have not laughed that hard at a death scene in all my life!

The whole film was a meandering collection of seemingly non sequitur events, but who watches an Andy Milligan film and expects anything else?

That being said, the acting wasn't the worst I've seen in a Milligan movie and his hotel/flop house made for a great film set.

Curse of the Headless Horseman (1972)

This is awful. I mean, it's BAD...but also kind of incredible!

[2/10 · 29 January 2022]

I do enjoy these "seat-of-their-pants", "Hey gang! Let's make a movie" type of films. It's done for cheap, likely with little scripting and shot like someone is think they are making high art.

I really wish the print was better. I want this remastered!

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)

I can't see anything!

[3/10 · 28 January 2022]

I'm trying to watch this. Literally trying. They spent so much on slime they apparently couldn't afford any lights!

Not even an hour in and there is so much that makes ZERO sense...

Why does the predator go around "erasing" evidence of the aliens but leaves his own calling cards all over the freaking place?

Sea Fever (2019)

Impressive treatment of a tired trope

[6/10 · 10 January 2022]

Deadly parasites/virus/creatures picking off an isolated crew because someone makes a bad decision is getting to be a tired and overused trope, but at least this one does it fairly well.

Impressive acting, filming and effects for an indie film.

Legendary (2013)

Far from "Legendary"

[4/10 · 26 July 2021]

Not the worst of the genre, but Scott Adkins gleaming capped teeth and poor acting along with the obviously phonetically taught Chinese actors knocks it down a notch. Even Dolph Lungren chewing the scenery isn't enough to help.

This was originally in 3D and I can't even imagine how terrible the CGI beasties would have looked. (Actually I can imagine, and it ain't good)

As I said, not the worst in the "mysterious creature" genre. Think of it as a GOOD SYFY original.

Solar Impact (2019)

Definition of "derivative"

[3/10 · 18 July 2021]

Had there never been "Night of the Comet", Night of the Living Dead", "28 Days Later", literally any (and almost every) zombie movie, this might be a classic. But there has been, and if you've seen any of them, you don't need to bother with this one.

Monsters (2010)

Rule #1, have at least one likable character

[4/10 · 27 June 2021]

I was rooting for the monsters the whole film, and they barely show up!

I appreciate HOW it was filmed, and the visuals ARE great, but that doesn't make up for the unlikable characters and their boring adventure, and their unbelievable attraction to one another.

This could have been a fine filler episode in some sort of television series, but as a encapsulated movie form, just falls flat.

Temple (2017)

Guilty of one of worst crimes of filmdom...

[2/10 · 17 April 2021]

Being pointless. (and it pretentiously thinks it's the opposite.)

This hour and seventeen minute movie is one hour too long.

Five Golden Dragons (1967)

Such a waste of potential

[3/10 · 3 April 2021]

I'm almost angry!

This COULD have been a fun "Euro-spy" style movie. It has everything; beautiful women, exotic locations, mysterious villains, and big name guest stars but they saddled it with a lead actor that is better suited to be an understudy for Dean Jones in a "Herbie" movie!

You could make almost NO changes to the script and recast the lead with someone that would deliver the lines without thinking there was a laugh track, and you'd come out with a real entertaining spy film, instead of this VERY unfunny "comedy".

The Strangeness (1985)

Not "good", but not "bad" either...

[6/10 · 26 March 2021]

VERY low budget horror film, ("Caves" built in a garage cheap), but not a completely wasted effort. Over all maybe it falls shy of anything you'd call "good", but there are some very effective moments that keep me from calling this "bad". Fun stop-motion creepy-crawly and a VERY well done scene with complete darkness and a repeating flash bulb are highlights for me.

Monster Force Zero (2019)

Hyper-realizes LARP

[7/10 · 25 March 2021]

Fun, hyper realized LARP. Every cosplayers dream realized, à la "The Last Starfighter", with a AMC Pacer instead of a gunship and more entertaining.

Appeared to be made with love for the conventions, the cosplayers, and the geek community as a whole.

Hawk and Rev: Vampire Slayers (2020)

So. Much. FUN!

[9/10 · 24 March 2021]

This movie had me from the 80s retro title, and from there I just strapped in and enjoyed the ride. I'm really hard pressed to come up with anything bad to say about this. I gave it a 9 because, let's be honest, no film should truly be a 10, but out of films that might get lumped in with this one, maybe it would qualify. Fantastic humor written into the script and all delivered with ease. You forget you are watching a movie and really feel like you are just an observer to what, and how, these people would react. Dial it up, tune out, and just enjoy. You'll come out the other end feeling happier than you were going in.

Will Reading (2020)

A bit absurd, but silly and fun.

[5/10 · 14 December 2020]

Irreverent, silly and everyone's wearing their movie loving heart on their sleeve. There are some chuckle worthy moments and you may laugh out loud at the absurdity of where this movie goes (no spoilers). It may be kind is stupid, but it is a fun stupid. I enjoyed myself. This film may not set the world on fire, but it is a great showcase of talent. I'll be keeping tabs on the film makers for future endeavors.

Vagrant Queen (2020)

Sophomoric, unoriginal and uninteresting

[4/10 · 29 March 2020]

The premier episode breaks the cardinal rule of any new series, it fails in making the viewer interested in anything that is going on. The story telling, the characters, and the acting are all out of young adult adventure story 101. I kept getting the same vibe I get while watching one of my sons Nickelodeon shows, like "Henry Danger". This show just had foul language and violence. The lead actress is high school level amateurish in everything she does. I might be willing to forgive it if this were he breakout premier performance, but she has apparently been acting for years. I pick on her as she is supposed to be our star, but she fits right in with many of the cast. This show is what replaced "Killjoys". What a pale replacement it is. I'm not sure what SYFY was going for, but I think they missed.

Star Trek: Discovery (2017–2024)

Big budget, low quality.

[3/10 · 15 August 2019]

The acting, for the most part, is TERRIBLE. Saving graces are Doug Jones and Mary Wiseman. (Tilly is too talented for this)

Only watched 1st season so far. Stories are mediocre with exception to the three part "mirror universe" story line. That one is abominable!

Watched out of morbid curiosity. Giving it a solid "meh"

5 Galaxies (2019)

Disagree with most other reviewers...

[7/10 · 29 August 2018]

While I will agree that there is NO "AI" stories, there are some thought-provoking and well acted short films. Some reviewers may have the incorrectly thought that these tales were somehow interconnected, that is not the case. Each story stands on its own in its own universe. The first film is a little head-scratch inducing, but plow through! 2nd story was a great character piece with a THUMP at the end. 3rd film made me angry as the REAL story starts where the film leaves off, (but I think that is fantastic!) 4th film begs for a deeper dive in to the universe it creates in the shortest run time of them all. Impressive, if you ask me, to create a world you desperately want to explore and do so in only a few minutes.

Follow (II) (2013)

Amazingly written!

[7/10 · 6 March 2014]

The 1st person shooting technique has become a bit of an overused medium to tell a story but in the situation given with this and many other horror films, it works pretty well and keeping it short helped a lot. If writer/producer/director Hytonen had tried to stretch this into a 90 minute film, I think it would become a bit tedious and boring.

While the story, or rather the setting, wasn't anything terribly new, it was the dialog and how it was presented that impressed me most. I can't help but wonder if much of the story was made up on the spot from the actors themselves as it all comes very naturally. If it was indeed all scripted then Hytonen made an awesome choices in actors.

Star Trek (2009)

Patronizing and obviously filmed by someone who doesn't care about the future of Trek

[3/10 · 31 December 2009]

Poorly directed and poorly filmed space adventure that could have been called anything besides "Star Trek". The characters, as written, felt more like the knock-off's you see in B-movie attempts most often seen on SyFy channel. I think JJAbrams had a few scenes in his head that he thought would, "Look SOOOO cool!!!" and did all he could make a movie around them. Enterprise in a corn field, man shooting through water tubes in the brewery, er I mean, engine room, red shirt's getting killed needlessly, etc.

Abrams I think saw more "Saturday Night Live" like sketch comedies than he did episodes.

I think if the movie had been made by any other director, and one with a less active hype machine, this movie would have been panned and dismissed as the poor execution that it was.