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Hamlet61982
Reviews
The Pope's Exorcist (2023)
Absolute schlock!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahajahajaja!!!!
This comedy gold starts off with Russell's Italian accent and it just gets better from there.
I thought there were only two Holiest of holies places: the count room from the skim in casino, and if you have a pretty gf, well, you know the other.
This is all to say, watch this if you want, but if you do, you'll know you too are possessed by the demon of poor choice and taste.
Also, is Django the pope???
Before you start watching, watch the last 15 mins first. If you still wanna watch, it'll be bc you'll enjoy the schlock. Good luck!
Time Trap (2017)
Does "cerebral" mean "headache?"
Watched this bc it was suggested by NFLX as a "cerebral" movie that would make me think...I then read reviews here which echoed the same, A thought provoking cerebral movie... Jesus Christ...I forget how ruined this generation is, growing up on 20 years of marvel trash, of course something this lame would be "cerebral." It isn't... don't waste your time. The only thoughts this will provoke is WTH am I watching this low rent garbage?
The answer is, you started watching bc you were curious, you kept watching bc those 2 blondes are INCREDIBLY smoking hot and if you finished, it's bc you wanted to see if The Furbz made it or not...
I wouldn't suggest this.
Nope (2022)
Nope...
This is a jarbled mess of non linear non sensicle random collection of pointless scenes. At this point, it's safe to say peele was a comedian that got lucky with one script. He does best in sketch comedy... which is not very funny either... particularly lame is his need to borrow, Steal and Easter egg other better works... he is the new Shyamalan.
At this point I'm just typing to fill up imdbs requirement to write war and peace as a minimum requirement... sorry, but the movie is that uninspired and bereft of any meaning or reason to watch...
Seriously... skip this.
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The Mist (2007)
Most underrated film in some time...
I'll update this. But for now, watch this for the most satisfying murder on film in decades followed soon after by the best Tczekov's gun payoff, also in decades... plus, some of Greg nicotero's finest work.
Jurassic World Dominion (2022)
Better off watching A Bug's Life....
Rather than get to see dinosaurs in communities across the world or impacting the very fabric of our lives, we get to learn a whole lot about insects. It is a misguided misdirect as we don't really see how the world has been changed all that much by the prehistoric creatures as the film gets narrower and narrower in focus the more it goes on. All the potential awe and terror of dinosaurs taking over the planet is lost in the shuffle, making for a massively missed opportunity. It is utterly misguided from the outset, doomed by its own inexplicable unwillingness to embrace its potential as it all descends into a dawdling disaster. Life couldn't find a way out of this mess.
Outer Banks (2020)
Wow....
They really just cannot go more than like 5 years before making this same show again and again.
Guess I can't blame the kids, there's always a new crop... the grown ass women that tend to make them profitable are always cringe AF though...
Ghosts of War (2020)
Jump scare trash
If the A-list cast hasn't given it away just yet, think of the premise. In the first 5 mins we're introduced to a group of the greatest generation being such scumbags, you feel for the SS -yup. This is the set piece to all the jump scare trash to come. This must have been made on the cheap by cynical Hollywood types looking to make a Buck off idiots - same reason why nflx got this dumper fire.. skip it.
The Tinder Swindler (2022)
Another excellent Doc
The world knows that we men look for and need but one thing in women, the same as a good meat cooker looks for - smoke! At least it's honest.
This documentary captures the other half of this equation which women have tried to hide for all eternity. Gold digging and money chasing and how some snake used this very real reality to gold dig suckers back...fantastic.
Munich: The Edge of War (2021)
Rewriting history is always fun....
The movie tells of the Munich peace agreement between Chamberlain and Hitler. Where, to buy 'peace', Chamberlain carved up a sovereign country to placate the nazis. History as correctly looked poorly on Chamberlain for there, Hitler realised that the unsinkable aircraft would not fight and he only needed to address Russia.
This movie creates an alternate universe where this agreement was the baby of a wise pair British and German friends working with an omniscient Chamberlain strategically looking to buy time for the British to help defeat the nazis. EXCEPT we have historical notes, reports, Gov records and media that show the very reason why Britain pleaded for American help during the "sitzkreig" period and was so woefully unprepared when churchill took over, is PRECISELY because Chamberlain never prepared for war and instead wished for peace so long, Britain ended up in the "lion's mouth."
Now I love Jeremy irons btw, but this is only an interesting fantasy, like blowing up the entire nazi hierarchy in a theater.
I like the dual language use. And the filming is decent, but I don't approve of helping fool younger generations that might not know better.
This is particularly prescient and relevant during a time of risk to peoples in Ukraine, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Syria Nepal e.t.c e.t.c e.t.c....
Don't Look Up (2021)
Don't worry, you'll be nursing your nose...
There's subtlety. There's allegory. There's even double entendre. And than, there are few films outside of prep school film class that brow beat the point of the film such that you hurt your nose just watching it.
What I really don't get is the point? A circle jerk? Those the film obviously makes fun of will not watch, not understand or not get the point. And those that do have already been converted. So, what's the point? Dark noir cathartic laugh at how effed we all are?! Ok, i guess...
It's so predictable you'll guess the exact post credit final scene half way through it. Compared to more superhero drab - it ain't bad, but you'll find better things fo watch...
ps I suspect it could be about climate change.
Invasion (2021)
If rocket engines ran on molasses...
... the slowest of burns.
The entire first episode is dedicated to introducing characters you still don't care about by the end of it. Some which you'll never see again.
It's as though someone at apple said, hey, how about the walking dead but with aliens.
I'll try 1 or 2 more sodes and update this. But so far... hard pass.
The Many Saints of Newark (2021)
What was the point of this?
I never felt the Sopranos needed a cinematic universe. But, money... so, here we are. Half way through the movie and you've learned very little, want to know less and care even less. You start to think, wtf am I watching this. How has this added to my appreciation of that show from 20 years ago?
What makes it worse is that given the source material and the backdrop, this should have been an interesting period piece. Instead, you get nonsensical boring drab.
Skip this.
Val (2021)
Peer through the window, you'll find a soul
An honest and good look at a soul. Someone famous, someone we all think we know of. It just so happens it's a good one. I don't know how long he'll live for, but this can serve as a goodbye. A kind one.
In a world wrought with shit, watch this to recenter and add perspective.
The King of Staten Island (2020)
Watch this to feel better about your life
No matter how bad you have it, know that there are ppl in the world like what's portrayed in this movie and breathe... you're going to be ok.
More Brains! A Return to the Living Dead (2011)
I'll buss'm in the damn head!!
I stumbled upon this while searching for return of the living dead. It's Halloween season and i always turn back to the childhood hits but this was unexpected and very cool.
This show is a real treat as long as you love these movies and if you're reading this, you do. Treat yourself to this show and you won't regret it. Enjoy!!
La llorona (2019)
Like lighting a wet log...
There are slow burns, there's trying to burn a wet log and then there's la llorona... now, i speak Spanish, love politics and history and 40 mins in the movie felt 20 mins too long. It's only 1.5 hours long. I write stories and a couple years ago wrote my version of the llorona story. An origin of the demon.
All this is to say that if i found this very slow and zero scary, you probably will too. 2 of the 4 stars goes to production for taking on a foreign horror flick....
The Vast of Night (2019)
Stopped watching and tuned to tz episodes
I continued for about the first 20 mintues but the endless pointless dialogue is just awful. Skip this.
Once i realized how bad it would be i switched it off and tuned to tz. The masks. I suggest you do the same and save your time.
47 Meters Down: Uncaged (2019)
Precisely what you should expect...
Writing this while watching. That kind of movie.
This was written for adolescent girls and shot for young (and old) men. Probably to capture the biggest audience (i.e. money). Trouble is, that approach leaves no story. There's nothing to sink your teeth in and you know the whole story as soon as she gets out the pool.
Thrown in cliches, jump scare bs and racial stereotypes means this was thrown together in a blended mess that should be dumped at least 47 meters down. Preferably sealed. With instructions, to not be surfaced for future generations to witness.
Skip this, though you're 12 yo might like it.... might (they're smart now).
I Trapped the Devil (2019)
TZ's The Howling Man without the talent...
This is a low budget film yet one can tell it's the biggest production these actors have carried. Not to say bad acting, just not as convincing as desired. Nothing carries the film. Not the writing, acting, plot or visuals.
There are semblances of storytelling here, subtle references to biblical cannon like Adam and Eve and Cain and Able. It also includes critique on cultural scapegoating of women as in Hebrew culture (Lilith) and introducing a redemption of the female character by avoiding unleashing the Devil... only to be it.
That said, it all falls flat for the limitations above. Stretching a Serling 20 minute short story masterpiece teleplay to a full length film was never to be easy. Unfortunately, though this movie fancied trapping the Devil, it never quite holds our attention through missed opportunities and lack of vision.
Skip this movie and watch Ghost Stories instead.
Birds of Prey and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn (2020)
Robbie's extreme hotness can only go so far...
This movie was setup and directed awfully. I'll update this review with details after i rewatch.
Dracula (2020)
1990s bram stokers Dracula source material
It's ok. It's better than much of the super heros crap out there. But not a hit. Essentially a serialized version of bram stokers Dracula.
It Chapter Two (2019)
Is this a comedy??
Firstly, this movie is way too long. Nothing wrong with time. I'll give you the time you need to tell your story. All i ask is that you take nothing more. The book was long bc it had to explain alot which the films drop (what happened to the tunnel gangbang???? 😥)
But why it was decided to add a comedy great (Hader) and then take every opportunity to make jokes, slow burn the clown and use campy monsters as foils... there's nothing scary about this! And you know the point of this movie? It's literally fear. That's what the demon feeds on... watch this alone, in the dark, while house sitting for someone off craigslist, AND YOU STILL WON'T BE SCARED...
I wouldn't say skip this... just watch way more movies before you watch this.
Atleast it's not more superhero crap.
Ad Astra (2019)
I bet brad pitt drove this movie...
This movie wants to be more than it is. Pitt has an ability to pick books or projects that should be great, and puts himself in them and lessens them on and off screen in the process. It's not that he's bad, his acting persona just doesn't fit the gravitas of the stories he produces/ picks. Example: astra zenica. It could have been much better but for the fact that the pitch meeting went as follows: " -Think apocalypse now meets interstellar with a little gravity sprinkled in.
- nice. What's the plot?
- daddy issues.
- what do you mean?
- daddy issues. That's the glue that drives the reason this guy leaves the planet to look for his dad whom has huge shoes to fill.
- that's it?
- yeah, it's all we need. Then we use epic cinematography shots with an inspirational/ menacing score and people will love it!
- are you sure brad?
- im brad pitt....
- here's $100 million."
That simple. Hollywood heard 2 things: big name actors. Popcorn visuals. Expect nothing less (and nothing more). If you really really squint and try hard, you may be able to assign psychological metaphors and allegories regarding finding oneself in the stormy sea created by our childhoods and our search to escape. Sometimes at al costs.... but that's the movie it could have been. This one is too sloppy to be that. Watch at home for free, but only if you really love pitt....
Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
Yet another Abrams special....
I watched a prescreening version of this but held off the review until i saw the final cut in order to be fair.
This movie is little better than bad because visual fx...
I used to ask questions like: why do they give clowns like Abrams and Shyamalan opportunities?
Rise answers both: Abrams couldn't give 1/2 a F regarding creativity, story telling or artistry. What he brings is a prolific ethic of making high budget movies that are just good enough to entertain the ignorant (m)asses while staying relatively wholesome in the context of our culturally bankrupt society. He also has a knack for slipping in whatever is in vogue on the societal progressive Left, which Hollywood loves because: money.
Incidentally, the making of being the only driver behind this guy (which studios- love!) Also incidentally why Shyamalan gets movies, he at least tries to be creative (though not very well). The delta drives enough story fans to stay with him and, you guessed it, create a market...$$$
So, you say, what's all this have to do with this movie?
Imagine all the most convenient, expeditious money maximizing decisions you could make in this film and general storyline, and you'll write, in your head, 90% of this movie. It's that predictable, it's that derelict of creativity, it's that boring to follow.
Maybe watch for free, home, sick... maybe.
1917 (2019)
Good but overrated
I watched this in the comfort of my bed (award consideration copy), its a good movie with great shots. However, when compared to saving private Ryan or black hawk down, it doesn't stand well. Why? There aren't enough in depth battle scenes to be captivated with. The friendship of the two doesn't have enough depth or poignancy to really make you care. It's almost as though the film was created by one person's recollection of a grandfather's old war stories.
This is a 5 movie because it missed an opportunity to be bigger and better than dunkirk but gets an extra star for not being more duperhero drab...
It's worth the watch, but wait until you too can do it in the comfort of your own home.