ulricjoh Reviews

Wayward Pines (2015–2016)

Nothing like the books (and nowhere near as good)

[5/10 · 23 January 2018]

I devoured the trilogy of books in a matter of days - the writing style and the story were excellent. *IF* you have the chance to get the books - read them before watching the TV show - they're so much better.

I was so looking forward to seeing how the books were made into film.

What a massive disappointment. The movies took a huge diversion from the original story. The first book covered almost all of the 3 books.

I've just started to watch the second season and it's so confusing - has zero relationship to either book 2 or 3 and it's not easy to follow.

I'm not even sure that I'll watch the rest of S2 given how this is starting to pan out.

ATM (I) (2012)

Waste of time & money

[1/10 · 13 July 2012]

Three young people get caught in an ATM booth while a killer waits outside trying to kill them.

The actors lack appeal and I sometimes felt myself cheering on the killer, if only to end this garbage early.

Of course, the police fail to find the killer as one of the three lives and is believed by the police to be the killer.

What I failed to understand is why the killer was targeting strangers and what he was supposed to be getting from the deaths - it wasn't financial gain.

This should go straight to weekly hire on DVD - bottom line is don't waste your time and or money on this crap.

Tied in Blood (2011)

Not as bad as other reviews state

[5/10 · 11 July 2012]

The movie was filmed on a budget, which accounts for the lack of gloss and elaborate settings. The actors seem to attempt to do the best they can with a so-so script.

The story involves a medium who goes to a haunted house, to help a husband try to clear the hose of the spirits that are 'living' there.

The story is told from three different perspectives, which we later find out are the three members of a family who were killed in the house.

The ending I found a bit lacklustre and it could have been better done. The three members forgive each other for what happened in their deaths (which I believe we're interwoven) and the husband, who originally called in the medium has to live with the guilt of his now deceased family (the movie ended at that point).

Just to reiterate, it is not a movie you will remember for a long time (like 'the exorcist') but it could have been a lot worse.

Full marks for making the movie on the £150,000 budget. But the script could have been a little tighter.

Chronicle (2012)

I wish I could give a negative vote - there's no way this is a 7.5...

[1/10 · 5 February 2012]

From the outset, I will say that I liked the Blair Witch Project - it was unique in it's use of a hand-held camera to film most of the work. I thought that Cloverfield was good, although it was a bit of a rehash in the style of Blair Witch Project. This movie just seemed to have no idea on how to get the best of the hand-held camera.

It was too repetitive, the camera work too shaky, the story implausible (dare I say utter cr@p), the script was dry and I felt that I wasted my time watching this nonsense.

I can only think that the people who rated this movie so highly were either friends of the movie company or have no idea what makes a good movie.

Here are a few of the inconsistencies: 1) The kids find the "rock" which gives them special powers. After the area is closed off by the authorities, it is no longer given any reference in the movie.

2) They fly up into the sky, at the same level that jets are flying, yet they have no problem with hypothermia or lack of oxygen at high altitudes.

3) There are references to nose-bleeds when they use their powers but the bleeds are irregular and don't have any impact on their lives other than the boys commenting "I've got a bad nose bleed". Why even mention them ? All in all, this is a movie that is seriously well worth avoiding at all costs.

Grimm (2011–2017)

I like it but it's lacking something

[6/10 · 4 February 2012]

David Greenwalt was one of the regular writers in the "Buffy" (and I think "Angel") series. Both of these series had character development, plots that were interesting and showed that something was afoot.

Grimm starts out that way in the first episode, where the grandmother is in hospital and effectively "hands over the reigns" to her grandson (the detective). A murder attempt is made in the hospital against her life and then (I think it was in the second episode), a minor reference is made to her being attacked and the identity of the person setting up the kill. Then, there is nothing more mentioned about her attacker or the role of the new "Grimm" for a number of episodes.

Most of the episodes seems to be a stand-alone installment and more often than not, there's no linking of the episodes towards a cliff-hanging series finale.

I also find the police characters frustrating - both are both wooden in the delivery of their lines and don't seem to engage the audience.

Unless the series starts to get more taut and the writers start to think along the lines of Buffy /Angel, I think this series will get the axe sooner than later.

Iron Doors (2010)

*Spoiler* - a nowhere movie

[1/10 · 9 July 2011]

This movie starts out like the "Cube" with one person waking up in a bank vault with steel walls all around him. No idea how he got there or why.

Next to him is a dead rat in various stages of decomposition.

The usual screams for help; threats against those for putting him in there; etc.

He finds a key in a light, which opens a cupboard. Inside is an oxy-acetylene blow torch and some goggles and a hammer and chisel. Neither are effective against the door (esp. when the torch was not used with a blue-flame to cut steel).

He gives up on the door and tries to get through a wall. Eventually he gets through the wall and finds an almost similar setup within, except for a coffin, containing an African woman. They both try to get out of the room and as they try to get out of the 2nd room, the door behind them opens.

Inside is a hole in the floor, much like a grave site. They are close to death and there is not much more opportunity left to escape. As they are digging through the grave to escape, the door behind them opens and it reveals "a forest like expanse, complete with waterfall; birds and animals."

* * *The End * * *

At this point, I couldn't help but wonder what was the story about: - who put them there; - why were they subjected to mental and physical torture to try escape - how were they going to live in this forest area

It didn't satisfy. Hence, the 1-star rating.

The Ward (2010)

Pass on this and find something else

[1/10 · 29 May 2011]

This horror movie was nothing short of a horrible movie.

There was a distinct lack of direction; acting ability and storyline.

*The spoiler... * The actress was incarcerated in a mental institution where her fellow inmates are killed off one by one, by an unseen phantom.

It turns out that the lead actress has a multiple personality disorder and she is killing off her alter-egos until she is at the point where she is "cured".

This movie was a real drag to watch and the best advice I can give is to pass on this rubbish and watch something else.

Super (I) (2010)

Total waste of time; money & resources

[1/10 · 25 April 2011]

I saw that this movie had a great number of stars (7.5) on the IMDb rating scale, so I figured it would be worth a look.

This movie was an absolute disaster. The quality of acting could only be likened to something from a high-school play. The quality of camera work was dodgy at best. The plot was so thin you could drive a truck through it.

Based on the reviews, I expected something like Kick-Ass or Defendor (both very good movies). Instead, I wasted another 90 minutes of my life watching this cr@p in the hope it would actually get better.

There was unnecessary gore (the part where the female super hero gets her face blown off and it is shown graphically); inept police investigation and implausible "bad-guys".

I genuinely have to wonder if movie studios are getting their staff to make recommendations on movies that are in the league of "Plan 9 from Outer Space" and give unrealistic reviews to boost the ratings to get people to watch junk like this.

If you want a good movie which has a story about a "super-hero" with no super powers, watch "Defendor" - a better quality story all 'round.

Donkey Punch (2008)

Utter waste of time and money

[1/10 · 22 March 2011]

I won't bother going into an elaborate description of the plot. Suffice to say, this was an utterly annoying and stupid movie.

It beggars belief that movies as bad as this one can get more than a two-star rating.

To save people the anguish of watching this nonsense, I'll give you the story in a nutshell.

A group of 20-something men and women get together to have a night of sex and drugs. One of the women is killed by a "donkey punch" during a sexual encounter (this was supposed to be a joke, and she was not supposed to be actually hit).

The group start fighting and try to distance themselves from the killing. In the end, all but one of the actors dies. The last one is left adrift on a lifeboat in the darkness.

This movie was written and directed by two guys and was based on an idea from one of the two. Personally, I think he should have kept the idea to himself...

The Other Guys (2010)

6.9/10 - you have got to be joking

[1/10 · 27 October 2010]

I saw this movie in two sittings - the first time, I got 15 minutes in and thought it can't get worse - I was assured by people who have seen it that this movie is great, so I made a second attempt at watching.

It did get worse.

1) the dialogue was not funny. it was quite simply stupid and at times unnecessary.

2) the action scenes were unrealistic (yes I know it's Hollywood and, that this was meant to be a comedy) and, once again, stupidly choreographed.

3) there were *constant* unabashed plugs for products and Hollywood productions (ie. how many times was the word "Prius" bandied around; and why mention a particular hair oil - by brand name, that someone used ?) 4) had this movie been done as an action movie and cut out the rubbish lines, it may have actually worked a lot better than it did.

Do yourself a real favour and watch a movie that really is funny and, worth investing either your time or your money.

I have to genuinely query how something like this can get such a high rating when it really is so atrocious.

The 7 Adventures of Sinbad (2010 Video)

A painful remake of the original 1960's classics

[3/10 · 15 May 2010]

This movie starts out in the high-rise offices of a shipping and oil exploration company. The lead is advised that his ship is somewhere 400 miles east of Madagascar and is being hijacked. A demand for money has been made.

The manager of the company flies out to pay the money. In the meantime, the experts of the company talk about how the area is like the "Bermuda Triangle" - ships go missing without warning and electronic devices don't work. Moments later, a kraken (giant octopus) latches onto the ship and drags it and the crew to the bottom of the ocean.

The helicopter on which they fly is hit by lightning and the chopper sinks into the ocean.

Cut to an island. The lead wakes up and within seconds, finds one of the hijackers from the ship, laying on the beach near him (unconscious). As he tries to wake the hijacker, a giant crab (around 3 meters wide) starts to attack. It is shot many times and all it wants the briefcase containing money; (the gun although emptied at the initial shootout, strangely gets refilled without being done by the owner).

As the crab runs away, people who were also on the helicopter appear and ask what is going on - they heard and saw nothing.

Move forward, a number of groups meet on this uncharted island and find that there is a series of 7 tasks that must be completed by a hero if a series of cataclysmic problems to face the world are to be resolved. This is confirmed by some pictures found in a cave.

Moments after finding the details, the island starts to shake like an earthquake. It then shows that the island is in fact the back of a giant whale which dives into the water, taking the "island" with it. The group are left floating in the middle of nowhere without food or water.

Suddenly, they find a large bamboo raft which they can all rest on and in the next scene, they find themselves on yet another island, where they are chased by giant birds as offerings of food for the baby hatchlings.

At this point, it just got more absurd and I started fast-forwarding through to see if there were any redeeming aspects of the movie.

To my mind, there was only one salvation - the credits at the end - the movie had finished.

I gave it 3/10 for the sheer audacity of trying to turn a classic into a modern story and then failing. Don't bother with this one unless you really don't have high expectations of anything and perhaps just want to test the fast forward button on your DVD player is still functioning.

Djinn (I) (2008)

Painful !!!

[1/10 · 13 February 2009]

I should have known, a movie that has only 8 votes but gets a score of 8.9 had something suspicious about it. Add to that, alarm bells should have sounded, when I found out that the movie writer also produced; directed and starred in this flop.

After watching around 40 minutes of this drivel (it was so painfully awful) I gave up and turned on the television - watching commercials on the TV were more interesting than putting myself through the agony of poor acting; filming; direction and "special effects" of this lame film.

It truly amazes me that there are people in Hollywood who are willing to finance movies like this one.

Save yourself the pain of wasting even a minute of your life in watching this title. There are plenty of other (and better) movies out there.

20 Years After (2008)

Another one to avoid...

[1/10 · 27 September 2008]

I should have read the comments from the production company "Everything that could go wrong did go wrong". It would be reasonable to believe that the makers were referring to the movie itself.

At this point, it would be fair to say that I don't mind small budget and video productions (hey, I even liked Blair Witch 1 & Cloverfield), but this piece of garbage doesn't even deserve a star - but 1 is the lowest that can be given.

I genuinely tried to sit through 20 minutes of this dross and couldn't stomach any more. Perhaps it got better (but I seriously doubt it).

It's so bad, that it's not even worth commenting on what was supposed to be going on in the script.

The bottom line is don't bother.

Red (2008)

OK but certainly not worthy of 7 stars

[3/10 · 27 September 2008]

At the point of my writing this comment, the movie has a rating of 7/10. this is way too high for this movie.

Sure it has some beautifully scripted and acted moments (Brian Cox is a superb actor) but it is s-o p-a-i-n-f-u-l-l-y s-l-o-w in many parts that it reduced my capacity to enjoy.

The "action" or retribution scenes take place within the last 12 or so minutes of almost 90 minutes.

It was a partly enjoyable movie but this is one to watch when you don't wan't/ expect too much.

Overall, great acting but there's better out there to watch.

Conjurer (2008)

Oh god... another one that fails to deliver

[1/10 · 24 September 2008]

I saw this movie last night, hoping for something good - unfortunately, it didn't deliver.

The movie has an almost stock standard plot - 2 30-something people move to a new area; "spooky" things are around; stories of haunted houses /garden sheds are being spread by certain people.

I have been racking my memory, to try & remember what this movie reminds me of (there was a movie I saw a few years back that was almost the same - a person has paranoid schizophrenia & imagines a lot of the horrors that are seen on the screen - none of which are true - until the end).

This movie offers nothing new; it definitely does not deserve the high ratings from the first two viewers, hence, I have rated it as a 1-star. The acting from the leads is abysmal and almost wooden in some sections.

There are many movies out there worth watching - unfortunately, this is not one of them. Save your money, save your time, go & hire or watch something else.

Sex Hex (2007 Video)

Beyond bad

[1/10 · 14 September 2008]

Sometimes, I wonder about the ratings given to various movies. Are they being voted on by the production company and actors to get some popularity or are there people out there who genuinely feel that movies such as this are brilliant ??? This movie looks like a cheap adult production, with the graphic sex removed.

The acting is inept; the plot barren; the editing poor and the "music" score sounds like something from a 1970's synthesizer.

In brief, this is *not* a movie that deserves any form of rating over 1-star. And I would only give it 1-star for the audacity to make such a movie. If it were possible to give a negative rating to balance the final outcome, I would have happily done so.

This movie falls into the category where I don't care about the money I've spent to watch the title. I care about losing the 15 minutes of my life (I actually fast-forwarded much of the movie in the slim hope that it may have gotten better - it didn't).

Even the laptop computer that was used by "Carl" had the company logo blocked out - I wonder if the company didn't want to be known that they had their equipment used in such a sub-zero production ?

The Man from Earth (2007)

A movie for the thinking person

[8/10 · 2 December 2007]

This is not a high budget movie (the main setting is inside a cabin in a desert suburb) and I wouldn't it "Science Fiction" - it doesn't neatly fit into that category.

Anyway, having said that, I chanced across this movie the other day (never having seen it advertised at the cinemas or for sale at video outlets).

For once, I found a movie that was through provoking and had an interesting storyline. The first 10 minutes were slow to start off and I was wondering if it was going anywhere - then it did.

I sat mesmerized as the story unraveled and right up to the very end, I was entertained; entranced and enjoying this movie.

To say too much about the content could potentially spoil the enjoyment for new viewers, so I'll just say "watch it".

For once, "Holywood" has released a thinking persons movie - it's not one of the en-masse pulp that's being released for general consumption - and, I believe it's not a movie that you'll regret spending time and/or money watching.

Lockout (2006)

I logged on here to try & find out what the movie was supposed to be about...

[2/10 · 18 November 2007]

I don't mind low budget movies - "Saw" started out with a small budget & worked very well. Even the "Blair Witch Project" had some redeeming moments. Unfortunately, this one didn't.

From the very beginning, I couldn't understand what the plot in this movie was supposed to be about.

I understood that the lead character was undergoing some serious issues in his life, which affected those around him, but there seemed to be too many obscure incidents being introduced that had little or no relevance to what was going on in the movie.

In the end, I decided to log on here to see if anyone else had the "answer" to what the heck was supposed to be happening - unfortunately not.

Personally, I wouldn't invest my time on this wasted effort. It's not the money I was concerned about losing, it's the time I'll never get back again :-(