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Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)
TCM - The Crap Movie
Why was this movie made? A 70 year old dude's mother dies and he goes on a rampage. He has a chainsaw from 50 years prior fully loaded and working, ready for action. He gets shot and stabbed and moves like a cheetah despite being like 50 kg overweight and 7 feet tall.
The dodge-dude asks if the black guy is ok, even though he has insane amounts of blood on his back, clearly visible. He has to turn around to show his graphic face cut.
The young black lady sees a white man's head thrown in the bus (the bus driver) and reacts as if someone farted.
The old lady is still alive after being nearly chairsawed in half - breathing as if she just came from a mile run.
And a lots, lots of more dumb.
Now, how interesting would it have been to know how everything went earlier in the household? How are they living, eating, communicating etc etc, their daily life in the past - make a movie about that next but with a competetent director.
Or.. maybe just leave this series alone and make something that is both original AND good next.
The Mother (2023)
J-Low
I have nothing against female leads. J-Lo looks great and can even act sometimes. The problems in this movie lie somewhere else. I'll list a few scenes I remember that really made me mad.
We are introduced the mother in a safehouse scene with a bunch of agents. They all act like they're hanging out in a club and surprisingly get shot in the head one by one, apparently by one single man with a pistol. Then he gets to J-Lo and stabs her in the stomach? Then we're just teleported to a hospital.
There's a scene where the mother and her agent partner shoot people swat style in a building and save her daughter, then she encounters a guy with a machine gun, who instead of shooting her, comes to hug her and dies to a knife, what? Even a drunk me would never allow that to be put in a movie unless it's a comedy.
There's a car crash and they all stay in the middle of the road waiting for the mother, who always seems to find a working vehicle to steal, this time a motorcycle. Apparently not a very busy road? Again nobody shoots her and she explodes the cars with a lighter like they were full of dynamite.
The end is also very predictable, and the mother never gets fatally shot for some reason. The teleporting from scene to scene is rampant in this movie, because who cares how things happen, right? It happens when the people working on a movie are lazy and the budget is low.
My rating is 1, because this movie is empty from any entertainment.
Terminator: Dark Fate (2019)
Bad
What is Terminator: Dark Fate made of?
- bad cgi: because it makes more sense to use expensive fake looking cgi than actual practical effects that might be ..cheaper? But practical effects require actual thinking and planning.
- bad plot: because it's copied from the best movies from the series (1 & 2) and then gender swapped and twisted to complete mess
- bad acting: exception being the one and only real Sarah Connor
- bad action: looks fake, tries to copy from the other movies in the series and fails
- bad reviews: the only reviews this movie deserves
- bad box office results: the audience has spoken.
Five Nights at Freddy's (2023)
Creepy puppets are not enough
Having not played the games, neither watched the streamers play them, this movie gets really confusing from the start. I only knew the title somewhat but never really got into it.
There's a security guard who's overly protective because he lost his brother to a child predator - well that's one of the few things that make sense. He beats up a guy and gets one last chance at a guarding duty at Freddie's pizza place, at night. Some people break in and start wrecking the place when there's no security around, or so they think, and they die one by one.
Especially the babysitter's death was weird. She couldn't fit in the puppet's mouth but still gets sucked in with a child's hand and cut in half? This was one of the most wtf movie moment I've seen in a while.
After this we see the guard listen to birds from headphones and sleeping (?) the next night. What? If someone broke in last night, would you seriously sleep there soon after?
The little girl isn't afraid of the giant moving puppets? Gimme a break.
One of the puppets appear in their home? How? And why does it take a taxi back? What..
The police was also very weird. Going there hang out with the security guard, building a fort with the puppets. Despite the reveal what she actually was in the end.
The Nun II (2023)
The nunsense II
A demon nun sounds great on paper, and if properly written, might even be quite scary. In this sequel we are once again treated with the same jump scares; nun images appearing anywhere (as long as the person is alone) and the nun itself replacing the image with a jumpy sound on top, grabbing the person by the throat or just opening its mouth. Then someone enters the room and the nun vanishes.
Anyone could write this stuff. There's nothing new or original here. You don't even need an actor to play the nun. Just throw some average cgi of a face with rotten vampire teeth on a painting or a wall. There's no story either. It's just a compilation of scenes I mentioned earlier.
Also the black nun wasn't believable at all. She acted like a modern teenager who does what she wants.
People are grabbed by the throat, bones cracking and lifted several feet in the air, but they appear completely fine soon after. What's up with that? A free fall doesn't cause brain or organ damage? Or being thrown on the wall doesn't make your heart completely stop?
Not funny. Not scary. Not interesting or intelligent. What the hell is this? It's nonsense.
I can't recommend this to anyone. 1/10.
Saw X (2023)
Saw 1.5
My biggest problem with these prequels is that the characters don't look like themselves. Amanda and John should look 20 years younger than they do for this to work and it really takes me out of the movie.
The boss woman's speech near the end is way too long and cartoonish. They could've just killed everyone, even without a working gun, and just leave the place with the real money bag. What's up with not checking the gun and just assuming you get a fully loaded pistol handed to you after pointing it at others?
How does everything always work exactly like planned by the way? Especially for someone who gets fooled with a false cancer treatment?
As the synopsis states, this movie happens between the first and the 2nd movie, hence my title - Saw 1.5.
I gave this a 6 because I think it was interesting enough and better than some of the sequels. It was also good to see more Kramer than before.
Blue Beetle (2023)
Everyone is a hero..
.. So why call it Blue Beetle? Call it "Beetle Family".
I kind of knew what to expect when I started watching this. Our "hero" does some low income job in a high tech facility, where the most important secrets are guarded with... nothing! He gets a "scarab" that's vaguely, barely explained in a lunch box and everyone just stares at it at home. Then it all of sudden activates and chooses a person.
We get to a showreel what the movie title actually represents. Cool visuals are a guarantee, despite looking quite fake. We need to see something happen to a bus, right? No we're not flipping it this time but cutting it in half. Cool, right? Would be if it wasn't happening just because, and if you didn't see it in the trailer.
At some point the whole family is driving a beetle mobile. It looks pretty cool but it's completely senseless how everyone treats it like an every day vehicle. For some reason they can also operate it without problems, perfectly too. Would you enter a flying device that needs actual kicks to get started? Well they don't care.
I was hoping to see a lot more about the beetle and it's origins.
How does it get made? How does it choose its "host"? Where do all the guns, ammo, weapons come from? And a lot more other things. Even if it's explained in a comic book, it's still relevant info and a lot more important than the whole family goofiness we see here.
Kids probably like this one so if you have 'em, give them a treat and go see this together. For me this is a one time watch and quite forgettable. 4/10.
Insidious: The Red Door (2023)
Garbage
This is one of those movies where anything can happen at any given time. Then the character is magically brought back to reality like nothing happened. It could be named "garbage: black trash can" and the result could be the same.
The girl talks to this guy as if they had been friends since childhood and not met 5 seconds ago. They go to a weird diaper party that makes absolutely no sense and has nothing to do with anything.
Patrick Wilson has to come up with a weird memory game using his windows so that we can yet again be jump scared by something "original".
At the time of this writing the movie has made 10 times its budget at the box office, so be prepared for more garbage in the future.
Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One (2023)
Fast and Furious XI - Dead Reckoning
Can you believe this?
- a girl (about 100 pounds) gets stabbed and (still a knife in her chest) pulls 2 people up (about 300 pounds total) with one hand.
- in order to get in a train, you have to drive a motorcycle off a cliff and then parachute, not on top, but inside the train. You hit the exact spot you need to hit when the train is moving, by breaking the window with your body.
- an item, so valuable and rare, a key to "unlimited power", is pick pocketed several times by people with no problems.
- a train carefully waits until Tom Cruise and a his new bond girl is in a safe spot before collapsing cart by cart.
- a dude has a watch with a timer on it. He jumps the exact moment it hits zero and lands perfectly unharmed on a car, from a moving train.
Why would anyone rate this so high? I'm asking because those ratings say absolutely nothing. Also the plot is very lazy, almost out of star wars.
2 out of 10 because I liked the intro with the submarine.
How did they get the keys by the way? Is it "just a movie" so it doesn't matter?
Transformers: Rise of the Beasts (2023)
One time watch
- Everything is explained (somewhat), nothing is really shown in detail (lazy)
- Ridiculous coincidences (someone comes to save someone at the last possible moment x 100. Tv airing about their trip just when the dude enters the facility in the end etc)
- Quick cuts from place to place, making it feel very cheap
- Too much people talking and joking. Saving the world and cracking jokes? Sure
- Music is really nonexistent
- The animation felt like a downward in quality from the first movie
- The big bad guy is something, a big machine I guess? He just gets re-winded back to where he came from like you would re-wind a movie to see what you missed
- In the end we get to see a job interview. The interviewer feels like he could've been the camera man or someone in the theater, seeing how well he knew what had happened.
2 stars because the metal bird was awesome. One time watch.
Fast X (2023)
The good and the bad
Have you noticed the recent (F9-X) quality drop in this series? I bet you have. What's going on? We'd like to know, now wouldn't we.
These movies are supposed be entertaining and fun, but the fast series has been about actual people and real cars. Not this weird super hero vibe invulnerable main characters and out of this world technologies.
Realism isn't necessary everywhere but this movie has none.
Lots of spoilers here so I hope you've either seen the movie or not planning to see it.
The good:
- I watched this for free. I also thought Momoa was funny at times. I giggled when he said "oh dommyyy".
The bad:
- Plot - Revenge! It doesn't matter what happens to anyone else or their families as long as Dom gets his way. Bad guy plays with Dom for the whole movie and everyone's still alive.
- Cgi - Bad, insultingly bad. You can see the fake flames and cars made with poor cgi skills. Anyone can tell where the budget went (not there).
- Action - Some cool shots but overall just way too ridiculous. The cringe one liners don't help. Cipher fighting several trained men, even though she's supposed to be (?) a tech expert and not a martial arts master. Driving down the exploding dam near the end was just.. bizarre.
Why is captain marvel in this movie? She does absolutely nothing interesting and isn't believable in the least. Or maybe the idea is to end this series with a twist that the whole FF cast is clashing with the marvel super heroes for real.
How is Gisele alive? I guess we find out in some ridiculous flashback in the next installment. She dropped on a sofa a homeless person had dragged near the airport? Then she just vanished leaving everyone mourn her. How does she operate a submarine? Where did she get it? Who cares.
In a flashback we finally see the guy who actually killed the bad guy's father. The person who actually deserves this revenge. Where was he the whole time Dom was wrecking the city and fighting the baddies? Making sitcoms with Kevin Hart?