mightyshwanzi Reviews

Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002 Video)

A total disappointment for Hellraiser fans

[3/10 · 15 November 2002]

I an a big time Hellraiser fan. Part 1 is one of my all time favorite horror films, part 2 is very cool and creepy, and 3 is just flat out fun. I wasn't too big on Bloodline (it was too short and felt rushed), but I will hold off judgment until I can see the complete 'uncut' version that Kevin Yeager intended us to see. Inferno was completely different in tone and storytelling, and I liked it for going in a new direction and keeping Pinhead in the background (like in the original). Hellseeker however, this ticked me off big time.

Not only was I excited to see Ashley Lawrence (I had such a crush on her as a teenager) back as Kirsty, but I was expecting something along the lines of part 2 when I heard the sub-title. 'Hellseeker' reminded me of Channard's character from 'Hellbound' and I was anxious to see this flick.

Not the case! This is one of the most confusing, boring and badly written horror films (and I though Valentine was bad) I've ever seen. Nothing makes sense, it seems like random scenes from other films cut together, there is no narrative flow at all and Ashley Lawrence is totally underused! What a waste! Plus the lead actor couldn't act his way out of a paper bag! The guy has hooks planted in his face and is spewing blood... emote dammit! He totally ruined this film for me.

It's only saving grace is the scene between Kirsty and Pinhead... reminds me of old times (but in the deleted scenes on the DVD there is more to the scene that connected this film to the others in the series) and a strange ending that I liked (and shows a different side of Kirsty's character). Other than that... avoid it at all costs! A total snoozefest.

Jackass: The Movie (2002)

One of the funniest films I've ever seen

[26 October 2002]

I am a big fan of the TV show, especially the skits where they beat on Bam's old man and skateboard bails. This movie didn't disappoint. I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe a few times. It's that funny! Check it out if you're a fan or are just looking for a hilarious good time... just beware of the shlong shots... they are a big gratuitous.

Something Is Out There (II) (1988)

One of the few scary (and gory) TV movies of the 80s

[10/10 · 30 June 2002]

I heard my parents talking about this TV movie that they felt was a little too violent and scary to have been shown on national TV. According to them, it would have been better for cable. That TV movie was 'Something is Out There'. They had taped it so they could watch some dumb sitcom instead. I felt a nagging urge to see what it was they were talking about.

Man were they ever right. Not only was it really gory and freaky to boot, but it was one of the coolest TV films I've ever seen. You've got the mysterious killer mutilating NY residents, the hot chick who claims to be from from outer space, the drunk/loser detective, and one of the nastiest villains to ever grace the small screen.

#1, I was taken for a loop. I thought the killer was jsut an ordinary psycho who loved to eviscerate joggers... but when it turns out to be an psychopathic alien fugitive that can disguise itself as anyone it wants, I was put into a mild state of shock.

#2, For a TV film, the FX are awesome (for the time period). This was before the computer FX revolution, so they look 'real'. The alien villain is actually a very sweet looking puppet that is frighteningly insectiod-like.

#3, The characters are fleshed out completely making the viewer actually care about them. The acting is impressive as well (especially the luscious

Maryam d'Abo).

#4, Man is this thing sick. I have to give credit to the director, he's got balls. People get ripped apart from the inside out by the alien constantly in this flick. Not only that, but we get some nasty views of the alien's early victims that it was studying, plus some gross after the fact corpses.

In the end, this is probably one of my favorite TV movies... or movies period. Where is this on DVD dammit! It was actually turned into a short lived television series featuring the same characters and actors, but the cool alien killer was nowhere to be found, thus making it pretty worthless.

If it's ever shown on TV again, watch it... you won't regret it!

Undercover Brother (2002)

Better than Austin Powers by a long shot... LONG SHOT... get it?

[31 May 2002]

I was expecting this to be one of those movies that gave up all the good laughs in the trailers. NOT! I'm a fan of Eddie Griffin (Double Take anyone?) and was really looking forward to this flick despite all the Austin Powers rip-off bile I've heard everyone taking about. Screw that! This movie kicks Austin Powers' butt! Sure the first one was funny, but the second sucked! This delightfully hilarious blaxploitation spoof hits all the right marks to elevate it over the other series I mentioned earlier. Sure, a couple of the jokes are a miss, but every comedy has those (Zoolander). What does hit the mark, hits hard. I was kicking the seat in front of me when Dave Chapelle was shot and mumbled about crapping his pants from the pain. By the way, Dave Chapelle steals the show as Conspiracy Brother. A very funny, light-hearted, non-gross out humor oriented comedy that I will definitely add to my rather large DVD collection. And part 2 is already in the works! Happy day!

Event Horizon (1997)

A gore-soaked spooky haunted house in space film... very cool!

[17 April 2002]

I'm a big fan of director Paul Anderson. From his first feature, 'Shopping', to his latest. 'Resident Evil'. This is his follow-up film to the kickin 'Mortal Kombat', and it delivers on every level. Great visuals, FX, music, atmosphere, acting and general feel to the film takes this above most genre outings of late. However, as much as I like this movie, I can't quite put my complete stamp of approval on it... yet. There are plenty of plot holes, unanswered questions and odd motives that serve no purpose. I now know why. The original cut of this film was over 2 and a half hours long. All the character development was taken out by the studio, along with explanations and plot. Apparently Paramount thinks we are all dumb and can't handle a horror film with a purpose. You can usually tell when this has happened when a movie clocks in at under a hour and a half ('Hellraiser 4' anyone?). I've heard rumors that an 'Event Horizon: Special Edition' is coming to DVD in the near future. I can't wait to see what a masterpiece this movie could have been. As it stands... I give it 6/10.

The Watcher in the Woods (1980)

Still creepy after all these years, proof that DVD is king!

[10 April 2002]

I saw this movie when I was about 6 or 7. I made my parents watch it 3 times in a row in order for me to completely 'understand' the film because for a kid that age it's difficult to piece things together that are as complex as this plot... imagine a 7 year old watching 'The Sixth Sense'. OY! Now as a 26 year old veteran filmgoer I watch this film on DVD and can still appreciate what held my fascination for so long. Sure some of the dialogue is campy and a few of the situations don't make sense (why after showing Jan the circle clue in the pond does the entity shoot her, pushing her into the water to drown?), but it is creepy and atmospheric in the extreme.

The DVD edition of this film is one of the reasons I love this format. The two alternate endings featured here are worth the price of the disc alone! Sure, I'm glad they didn't put them into the film since they don't fit in any way, shape or form... it's just cool to see what the original intentions of the filmmakers were back in 1980. People complain that while Ellie was possessed by the entity in the final version she spouted too much exposition. Not true when compared to Jan's nonsensical explanation in the alternate endings where she talks about 'negative images' and how Karen was 'suspended in time and space'. It's just dumb. I love the ending in the final version. You never see the entity's 'true' form (just a pillar of light), making it creepier, and the ending makes sense (it's been sort of possessing Ellie throughout the film, so it's final takeover is justified). Just hearing Ellie's modified voice while possessed is scarier than the alien puppet floating around on strings (it looks like the male alien from 'Species II' mixed with a dragonfly). And that indecipherable FX ending on the alien's home planet.. what the hell was that? Only after reading the DVDs liner notes did I understand what was going on.

Stick with the final version's ending... it's clean and fitting. And this movie is still wonderful after all these years.

Resident Evil (2002)

One of the best video game movies ever

[9/10 · 17 March 2002]

I love the first 'Mortal Kombat' film. It's one of my personal favorites. It just so happens that the film I'd place next to it on my list is 'Resident Evil'... and they're both directed by Paul Anderson! I'm a huge fan of the video games, I've played them all. Sure this film takes some liberties (none of the characters are here at all, and there was no Red Queen), but it successfully takes the majority of what made the games so scary and suspenseful and mixes them with some outlandish action scenes. Milla Jovovich (YUM!) is a great female action hero (and flashes some nip to boot!), and tackles the lead of the film rather well. I've never been a fan of Michelle Rodriguez (she's all pout and no talent), but in the end I was rooting for her and feeling sympathy for her character (she gets the snot pummeled out of her over the course of the film). There's the familiar villains (Licker, zombies and the dogs), familiar scenes (both from other films and the games) and familiar faces (Eric Mabius from 'The Crow 3' and even Paul Anderson regular Jason Isaacs from 'Event Horizon' and 'Soldier') that make it all the more fun. The industrial metal music by Marilyn Manson is great, and the FX are for the most part pretty good. My only major gripe is that while I was expecting this movie to be another 'Tomb Raider' (i.e. complete crap) and it wasn't, I was also looking forward to seeing a good splatter flick. There is virtually no gore to be found in this film. Sure there's a head that gets cut off and some nasty looking zombies, but we never see anyone get eaten or ripped apart... that's a staple for a zombie movie. One particular moment involves the Licker killing someone... it obviously takes a bite out of the person's arm, but when it pulls back there is nothing... no marks, just blood that was there before it leant in for a quick snack. And upon seeing the victim at a higher viewpoint, we are treated to a gigantic splatter of blood around the carcass, but there are no visible wounds on the person. Lame! I hope there is an unrated cut available when this comes out on DVD. And the end is great, leading directly into a sequel that I hope gets made real soon! 9 out of 10, for all the immense fun and suspense to be found in this surprisingly entertaining survival horror film.

Firestarter: Rekindled (2002)

A sequel to the book, not the film

[14 March 2002]

I love the film version of Firestarter starring Drew Barrymore. Firestarter: Rekindled is actually a sequel to the book. During the first part of this very cool miniseries, characters keep saying that Charlie died when she destroyed the Shop's HQ. That only happened in the book. As a sequel to that, this is quite good. Marge Moreau is totally right for the role of Charlie McGee (and she's HOT to boot!). Malcolm McDowell is great as Rainbird and the cameo by Dennis Hopper as a fellow experimentee with the talent of seeing the future is ingenious. The only thing that irks me about this miniseries is that the mutations that occurred to people in the 'Lot' experiments seem too be too X-Men-ish. One kid has Havok's powers of a sonic boom (when he screams), one kid can see through walls even though he has no eyes, another can absorb lifeforce. It's a little too much of a sci-fi fantasy. At least in the book and the original film the topic of the mutations was treated seriously. Still, the FX are cool and it is entertaining back to front... but I didn't need to see that Italian love interest's naked butt. Fun and well-made.

Mortal Kombat: Conquest (1998–1999)

For a TV show, this ain't too shabby...

[13 March 2002]

I missed 99% of Mortal Kombat: Conquest's episodes when they originally aired. I have been able to see what I missed on VCD... and I missed one truly cool show! The acting isn't great, the plot's are a little convoluted and the FX are weak. On the flip side, the characters are entertaining, Kristianna Loken is HOT (so is Audie Englund who plays Kitana in 'Shadow of a Doubt'), the fights are spectacular (better than the fights in the pathetic 'Mortal Kombat: Annihilation') and the music is kickin! A fun show that isn't serious in the slightest degree. Get a soda, sit back and enjoy the show. Too bad it never went past one season.

Queen of the Damned (2002)

Not up to snuff when compared to the prequel, but it's still cool!

[28 February 2002]

I am a huge fan of the original film, 'Interview With the Vampire', and upon hearing of a this sequel being put into production I got very excited.

Disappointment first hit when I learned that none of the original cast would be returning. I was struck again when Aaliyah was announced as the title character. Yet again when I heard the plot (I have never read any of the books)... Lestat becomes a rock star.

The trailer changed my opinion almost instantly. It seemed to be a little too action oriented when compared to the original, but it looked really f'n cool! You bet I was there opening night with $9 in my hand, regardless of the horrible reviews I had read, hoping that it wouldn't be a complete piece of crap.

When all was said and done, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. Sure it was cheesy, Stuart Townsend isn't very good as Lestat, it dragged a little bit and it has more than it's fair share of bad dialogue. But the FX, interesting backstory of Lestat, a great performance by Vincent Perez as the vamp who turned him, some hot chicks (Marge Moreau is delish!) and a decent turn for the late Aaliyah were highs. Not to mention the kick a$$ songs Lestat sings over the course of the film (buy the soundtrack RIGHT NOW!)

It's entertaining, but nothing spectacular. The first film wins hands down... although I wouldn't mind seeing another sequel.