lordofthelake Reviews

Puppetry of the Penis: Live at the Forum (2001 Video)

Infantile

[1/10 · 1 July 2006]

I don't get it. I am a 45 year old male with an infantile sense of humour. So Puppetry of the Penis should be my kind of film. Although the content of the film sounds titillating, I did all these things when I was 5 years old, as I'm sure every male has done since caveman days. Well, maybe not some of the stretchy parts. There is nothing new here.

In this remarkably boring film, which I saw at a dinner party, two adult naked Australian males play and make shapes with their penises. At the film's breathtaking climax, one of the guys sticks his anus in a girl's face and has her blow on it. (Oops, was that a spoiler?) What more can be said?

The Hunger (1997–2000)

I wish I could rate this film.

[28 July 2003]

I wish I could rate this cheesy piece of crap so that I could let the world know how pathetic it is. This is not horror, it isn't even camp. It's a hodgepodge of cheesey dialogue, cheap horror props and lots of T&A. If you are looking for T&A with a campy horror edge, try The Bare Wench Horror instead.

Moulin Rouge! (2001)

I tried it again, and it still sucks.

[1 December 2002]

Ok, I am visiting friends in Colorado and they tell me I just HAVE to see Moulin Rouge! Now, I like Ewen McGregor in Trainspotting, Velvet Goldmine and others, so I said "Why Not?"

Five of us sat down to watch this thing on DVD or was it VHS? I don't remember. Of the five of us, three were enthralled, laughing and crying and swooning with the "plot" for the umpteenth time. Two of us, however, glanced at each other with looks of dismay and disgust. Finally, 30 minutes into the film, Brian got up, went to the player, and pressed STOP. "Now, you all have seen this before, right?" he asked. "Yes," they assured him. "Then I hope you don't mind if we skip over this worthless piece of trash," he said kindly but seriously. I breathed a sigh of relief when our hosts, with a slightly hurt look, gave in to Brian's request.

This film is a shallow and ultimately boring spectacle for the masses who eat up whatever Hollywood feeds to them. That anyone could be impressed by this pretentious and unimaginative trash amazes me. The music from Moulin Rouge! is a hodgepodge of poorly-done snippets of songs from the modern pop era. A cheesy disco version of Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit blends into equally repulsive versions of Lady Marmalade, Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend, and Material Girl. The film boasts flambouyant but shallow characters. It's a worthless and pathetic piece of trash and I had as strong a reaction to it as if I had stepped into a puddle of vomit.

It was on TV again last night, and I was at home with some close friends. I decided to give the film a second chance. I made it to about 30 minutes, but this time all of us were in total agreement that this movie is the flashiest piece of crap ever passed onto the public as art. We agreed to turn it off.

I suggest you do the same.

Frogs (1972)

How'd they get the frogs to look so mean?

[10/10 · 12 January 2002]

Crippled Granddaddy Crockett and his family of whiners want to poison all the reptiles on his remote island estate. And the frogs? Well, let's just say they're not too happy about it. Neither are their scaley buddies, and they advance on the unsuspecting family with a vengeance. I saw this movie at the cinema when I was 12 and thought it was creepy. I just saw it again at 41 and I still think it's great. It deserves a retroactive Oscar or something. A high point is when pink and frilly Aunt Iris goes out butterfly hunting with net and gets pursued by hissing snakes. And when what's-his-name gets strangled by killer moss while hairy spiders eat him alive...well, that's just pure class. The younger members of the cast run around in skin-tight bell bottomed hip huggers and there's even a Foxy Black Mama with a psychedelic turban thrown in for fun. Cool! Not as good as "Let's Scare Jessica To Death" or "The Wicker Man", but still a must-see for people who are into this low-tech type of thing (like me). There's even a flesh-eating turtle! Long live the seventies!