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Reviews
Monarch: Legacy of Monsters (2023)
It's just boring, given the subject matter that takes some doing.
Ep 1-5. I really hoped this was going to be great, it's really not. Exciting x-files type plot, nope. I mean there might be, but the writers/editors have no
Idea how to tell a story. Big monsters, nope not on any grand scale. Boring inconsequential characters with formulaic script and plot progression, yip. First 2 episodes showed promise, the sixty's period was interesting (presumably different writers). Once the episodes turn to modern day the series nose dives into mediocrity. Character depth is on a par with a Nickelodeon movie as is the script and story line. In a vain attempt to make it interesting it's constantly flicking to a few seconds of back story that serves no purpose except slowing down the excruciatingly plodding plot, and I use the word plot loosely because by Ep5 I am none the wiser as to what anyone in this mess is trying to achieve, except find out what 2 of the kids father was up to, and I doubt anyone still watching actually cares. He's a list of everything it's trying to be and failing completely. Godzilla, Stranger things, X-files. Story is plodding and uninteresting, The characters are bland. The editing is tedious.
The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)
Really?
There's no meaningful story. Literally nothing. First 30 minutes had an interesting set up, then DiCaprio snorts Coke and shouts manically for the rest of the movie, Margo gets her kit off, nothing remotely interesting happens and then thankfully it ends. Well it ended with 30 mins left for me as I couldn't take any more of the tedium. Dullest movie I've seen in a long time. I can only imagine that 20 year old Coke heads are banging 10/10 scores because they think it's cool. Can't fault the acting by DiCaprio, but the script couldn't be further away from Gilbert Grape. Has there been a decent Scorsese film in the past 20 years? There's so much quality available to watch these days, if this was released today it would be right on its arse where it deserves.
Magic for Humans: Power Trip (2020)
Magic for Human actors
Just boring. It's tricks, we know it's not 'magic' the trick is to make it entertaining. See Penn & Teller, David Blaine or Dynamo. Every character shown the trick is an extra, and that's painfully obvious. I'm not having a go at the dude, fair play to him for getting a series, but at series 3 I would have expected a more advanced level of execution and complexity. Netflix executives, type in 'magic tricks' on YouTube and make a documentary about the 100's or tricksters purely playing to the camera because they are so good they don't need 'fake public'. I think we are ready, it's time, the next generation needs Magic, it could be massive again..... but this is not it, this is dog dirt.
Wednesday: You Reap What You Woe (2022)
Complete context change.
Ohh ffs it's not 10 seasons of the X files. Why in season 1 half way through do we need new writers? The previous four episodes were amazing, this episode is an utterly pointless backstory story. Tedious and plodding. Completely lacking all the pacing and narrative of the first four episodes. This could have easily been integrated rather than been a stand alone story. Terrible directing. I'm praying e6 gets back to the delights of 1-4. Ok I'm now watching e6. Seriously worried we have gone from snappy fresh teen detective series into Riverdale soap opera cringe boring tedium. Hope I'm wrong. Burton has left the building.
Edit. Thankfully it pulls itself back together for the final few episodes.
Warrior Nun (2020)
So boring
Series 1 review. It starts with a promising premise despite the inept storytelling. The first couple of episodes seemed to set up its stall akin to Buffy, In-spite of the excruciating narration it was quite watchable. But it never progressed, It suddenly changes in style from teen angst to Super Girl very quickly. The first 2 episodes bare no resemblance to the following 8. As a whole it's all over place. It's just dull as ditchwater, they failed to build the universe to captivate so it's impossible to care what happens. How something like Paper Girls gets shelved and this gets a 2nd season lol.
Edit: Season 2 was terrible, no surprise the show has now been cancelled.
The Green Knight (2021)
Tedious Tedium
Cinematography 8/10 I mean wow if you want to go on a trip fill your boots. Bit If it's a work day and you're recommending this on the back of a well known Radio 5 reviewer to your wife as the film of the year, DON'T. It's dull as ditch water. 'Oh the Portrayal of wonder and fear of the protagonist simultaneously'. It's fantasy, my cat could have acted in this. Good acting by anyone doesn't compensate for an utterly boring tale. Guess what happened at the end. (Btw, Nothing interesting happened on the way). Zzzzzzzz.
Stay Close (2021)
More holes than your grans crochet
So you're either here because you want confirmation that what you watched was absolute drivel (correct it was, in droves) or you are lucky and are here to see if it's worth watching (it's not, by any stretch, don't believe the paid for, 'Oh watch it and decide for yourself' reviews.). Do yourself a favour, go watch some 10/10 crime thriller like the original Scandinavian versions of The Bridge or The Killing.
So let's start with the worst culprit, The concept. A girl, madly in love with a fella, is being harassed by another fella. She finds him dead. Instead of rejoicing and marrying her fella, she decides to 'disappear' and never contact the love of her life again. (By disappear we mean changing her name, stop wearing a wig and buying a house in the same town, having kids and never bumping into anyone from her previous existence in 17 years lol).
Next up. The script, consistently has characters doing irrational things to justify and set up scenes or to muddy the waters of the plot. The list is exhaustive so here's just one example. Girl visits bar, gets told fella is looking for her, gets offered his card with phone number and company name on, but girl refuses it. Next episode girl wants to contact fella, completely ignoring previous episode goes to find fellas best mate instead and begs him for fellas phone number as she's desperate. I mean, really, writer, editor, proof reader, beuller, beuller, anyone, anyone. The literal list of un-fathomable actions goes on and on.
Then we have the depiction of the police. As a writer/producer you could do various things, ranging from from visiting an actual police station to watching an episode of the bill. Or you could just make stuff up. So while we are on the subject let's discuss sets. Who ever decided, after making stuff up, that a police station is an office with one guy in fancy dress police uniform, a flat screen TV, a PC and a couple of partitions, you need to be fired. Along with the person that thinks UK police officers take random pot shots at unarmed suspects running along a populated beach, also fired. I can't go on with the faults of this program it would be twenty pages long.
And then there is the acting, it's just terrible. If you're a coronation street soap opera fan, maybe you won't mind so characters, although Cassie might even test your forgiving nature.
The sound is shocking, inappropriate segments of loud music inserted to indicate mystery where there is none. Be gone art student fool.
So the script, acting, sets and sound are terrible, but they are not the biggest crime committed. The story itself, with its twist and turns would have been good, with just a bit of craft. But alas it was butchered with a blunt cleaver.
Eternals (2021)
Just not movie material
Mini series yes, movie no. This looks, feels and is scripted like a mini series, including dodgy green screen effects. The only question is, was it pitched as a mini series and instead created as a movie, or a movie created by people experienced in only marking mini series. It's well over 2.5 hours, the pacing is tedious, with one basic storyline. It's all about the characters but there is no reason to invest in any of them. It's just a boring watch. And the reason it would have worked better as a mini series? You could stop watching it after episode 1.