chucknorrisrules Reviews

The Hunger Games (2012)

Intense, exciting and enjoyable

[8/10 · 2 June 2013]

First of all I'm going to start by saying that I have not read the books, so I can't comment on how close the movie resembles them.

The Hunger Games begins in the future. Nuclear war and rebellion ruined mankind whose society in America was rebuilt into a new Orwellian nightmare where people slave away in prison camps with no freedom. As a punishment from the authorities for rebellion, each of the 12 districts (1 being the richest and 12 being the poorest) have to fight it out in a battle royale called the Hunger Games, a modern version of Gladiatorial combat or Mandingo Fighting with a bit of Bear Grylls survival thrown in for good measure.

When a girl is picked as the female participant or "tribute" of her district, her older sister - played by the wonderful Jennifer Lawrence - volunteers to take her place. After preparation, training, advertisement to various potential sponsors and an Olympic-esque opening ceremony, the participants are released to fight for survival.

The film is very much 1984 crossed with Lord of the Flies, and has a strong cast. Jennifer Lawrence plays the role well as a strong character albeit with a vulnerability. Unlike most other participants, she is not a typical "action girl" but simply uses her wit to survive. The rest of the cast is excellent and the settings immersing and atmosphere intense. But also it is very clever in its portrayal of a nightmareish totalitarian society where freedom is nonexistent, and how far we would go in surviving in such a society. Very much worth your time!

The Road to Guantanamo (2006)

A big fat pile of nothing

[1/10 · 9 May 2013]

Short story, an utter disappointment. Long story, I was expecting a film about a group of obviously innocent lads caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, to be mistaken for enemy Taliban fighters.

We start with them talking about going to Pakistan about wedding plans, and going to Afghanistan to "help". No mention of how 9-11 has kicked everything off in the country and war is coming, indicating that this is probably a VERY stupid idea at best, and aiding and abetting the enemy at worst.

The lads hang around with a group of armed men, obviously not charity workers, who "tragically" (according to the way it is shown) get killed by air strikes and are all captured.

I was nonplussed, these guys are obviously not giving a straight story. And then they get captured and interrogated. They aren't treated very kindly, but nothing serious. Certainly no back-rubs and massages, but not the torture I was expecting.

All that happens now is they're kept in slightly uncomfortable conditions and get interrogated a bit more before being released. That's it. No brutal beatings, electroshocks, not even a friggin water-boarding! A guard even kills a spider to protect one of the prisoners!

The fact that two of the lads admitted to going to jihad camps and learning to handle explosives and rifles shows the audacity of the stupid left wing filmmakers here. The last one refused to take a lie test, which shows he is clearly hiding something. And then that virtually nothing else happens to them, well I cannot express my opinions adequately. For those talking "evidence", the lads actions prove in spades their guilt. And they were not enemy combatants so it is hardly as if their rights were infringed by anything other than their own stupidity and further guilt.

The only highlight of the entire wasteful film was the wonderful Riz Ahmed doing a rap number in his cage to the amusement of a guard, but that was because he was Riz Ahmed, not because of the absent quality of this pathetic film.

Zero Dark Thirty (2012)

A flawed gem

[7/10 · 5 April 2013]

To be fair, it's hard to write spoilers for this since everybody knows what happens in the end anyway.

The face of Osama Bin Laden has hung over our heads for years. Even for non-Americans he has been in the shadows for 10 years, laughing at our fears as we have boarded planes and trains wondering if we're in the wrong place at the wrong time. Until May 2011, suddenly the man was no longer a part of the world we live in.

The story follows Maya, a CIA analyst, who - for reasons undisclosed - is pathologically fixated at finding and capturing or (more likely) killing Bin Laden. Played very well by Jessica Chastain, you really root for her as she fights to go after the one man she wants to reach. A lot of intrigue and investigation follows as the CIA and the military pursue Bin Laden, with setbacks apiece, and some scenes that just seem to come out of nowhere.

One of the flaws however, is the overuse of torture. Though it is an honest portrayal of the CIA's dirty little secret, it is not honest enough to show the fact that torture is a disastrously unreliable method of obtaining information (hence the 'WMDs' claim courtesy of Egyptian police).

The final raid is very exciting and atmospheric, except that it goes on for a bit too long, and the SEALs seem to not know how to shut up at some moments. One of the best moments being when the locals start to approach to find out what's going on, in a particularly eerie scene.

In general, it's quite a piece that takes some patience, but Katheryn Bigelow has really pulled out the stops for this one. Maya's final realisation of her success sums her situation up very well. She has achieved what she has wanted all this time. What to do with herself now? It might take some time to invest in, but the end truly pays off.

Chuck (2007–2012)

The answer to our prayers

[10/10 · 30 January 2013]

Don't let the summary fool you, I am an atheist, but this TV series is truly sublime.

The basic premise is an average man. Competent at work and relatively socially competent, poor Charles "Chuck" Brotowski's life is stuck on a road to nowhere. Then when a friend of his in the CIA sends him an e-mail that uploads all the U.S. government secrets into his brain, his life takes a sharp turn, now he has to be protected by the gruff hard-case action-hero NSA agent John Casey, and beautiful but deadly CIA Agent Sarah Walker.

After seeing a few episodes, Chuck has uploaded into my mind as a personal favourite of TV series. It has everything. The James Bond life of action, spies, shootouts, explosions, seduction, tough action girls and knife-edge life-or-death situations combined with Chuck's attempts to balance this with the daily grind of working at BuyMore.

And the combination though clunky sometimes, usually blends beautifully. The BuyMore characters are memorable too, with Chuck's even more ornery but likable friend Morgan, and comic relief weirdos Jeff and Lester. The comedy is always enjoyable especially with those two, and the relationships with Chuck and his friends and family are real emotional journeys (with the added bonus that his sister's boyfriend 'Captain Awesome' is good looking but not a jerk caricature unlike in most romantic comedies).

The romance between Sarah and Chuck is well written too. Not a mere 'nerd-gets-the-girl' prize at the end, but a truly believable love story that most people can relate to, and is always moving and under threat from the world of espionage. Sarah as well, despite being an action girl, isn't an ice-cold character 100% of the time, but has real warmth and passion as well, which makes her much more 3-dimensional than most action heroines on film and TV at present.

What makes Chuck truly great is this. Rather than being a spy superhero like Casey or many other spies like Bryce or Cole, Chuck is an average man most can relate to. He sometimes does comically stupid things (becoming more competent as the series progresses), but rather than because he is stupid, he is simply a civilian doing the best he can with what he has in situations he never asked for.

The series takes one or two dark turns from time to time, but mostly doesn't take itself too seriously. In short, Chuck is a joy to behold. It's fun, it's funny, exciting, and even emotional and beautiful. You really care about these characters and it just keeps getting better with every episode. If you haven't seen it yet, you're mission' out!

North (1994)

Utterly pathetic and worthless

[1/10 · 29 November 2012]

North is a story about a kid with a strange name played by pre-Frodo Elijah Wood who thinks mommy and daddy didn't get him enough ice cream and goes to find new ones. That's it.

That's the premise of the movie. North's parents are loving but busy despite him being a child prodigy, all the other parents love him, giving us more reason to despise him (and the other kids too I would guess, and rightly so). He takes the advice of Bruce Willis in a rabbit costume, and 'divorces' his parents at the behest of a judge who looks more like a hobo disguised as a judge.

North then goes around to strange parodies of parents around the world, including Oklahoma-style parents, some Hawaiians who establish a disgustingly borderline paedophilic poster of him, Eskimoes, Africans, Chinese where they worship him as a God (strange in a communist country), and a Walton-esque cliché family who seem perfect, but the spoilt little snot-face is still unhappy and abandons them, visits the Amish, the French, and due to some implausible plot line with his former friend, has to return to his parents in the right time without getting killed, only to wake up to discover it was all a dream and he returns home.

Not only is this film unfunny, insulting, patronising and stupid, it breaks the one rule of writing. Making the story a dream by the end without making this clear at the start is the worst thing a writer can do. Rob Reiner's career never recovered, but considering he thought pre-teen Elijah Wood's arse on a billboard was more appropriate on screen than a cigarette, I would say he deserved it.

The Hottie & the Nottie (2008)

Sorry Ms Lakin, you made a mistake

[1/10 · 22 October 2012]

Without wishing to divulge too far (mainly because I cannot be bothered) I saw this film equivalent of industrial sludge out of curiosity, assuming the worst, fortunately I was not disappointed.

The premise is a skinny guy goes running after his schoolboy crush, who is played by Paris Hilton (!). Though she is open to him, she plans to keep her romantic interests on hold until her ugly friend gets a boyfriend with predictable results.

The writing is awful, the main character is just utterly unlikeable and downright manipulative, and the other characters except for the ugly girl, are all utterly stupid and rather unpleasant people. As usual in Hollywood comedy, they make the friend up not merely to look ugly, but to look like the wicked witch of the west, and it looks utterly ridiculous. You can tell right off the bat she's not really ugly and she'll be pretty by the end of the movie, and this will effect the plot. What a surprise. But then her ugliness is played up to such a nauseating degree, it makes Frankie Boyle look discreet. In fact, the only likable and well rounded character turns out to be the ugly girl, but Christine Lakin,, to all intents and purposes, could not save this snore-fest.

An utterly nauseating experience, but at least it's not garbage pail kids.

Centurion (2010)

A flawed yet underrated gem

[8/10 · 18 September 2012]

Since I am such a lover of history, centurion was a must for me, especially since it was a Neil Marshall movie - one of my favourite directors. When I first watched Gladiator, I hoped for some sort of similar epic centred around the Eagle of the Ninth storyline, but it seems like this film has been the answer to my prayers.

The story revolves around the legend of the ninth legion. A roman legion marches north of England into what was ancient Scotland (back then called pictland), and they disappeared. A book called Eagle of the Ninth was written about it in the 1950s involving a son of a legionnaire going north to recover the eagle. There was a film made of it in 2011 called 'The Eagle' though I haven't seen it quite yet.

This film shows the attack on the legion after advancing into pictland where a handful of men survive and are now trying to escape a hunting group of picts led by the mute Etain (Olga Kurylenko) whose entire existence since her brutalisation and her parents' slaughter at the hands of the Romans, is devoted to taking the lives of Roman soldiers.

The cast is top-notch. Michael Fassbender is excellent as the lead role and he puts his all into it. The rest of the cast of survivors are excellent as well, but apart from Riz Ahmed's Arabic cook and Noel Clarke's Greek runner, all seem to be too similar to each other. The picts are excellent as well, but easier to distinguish, especially Dave Legeno and Axelle Carolyn. Olga Kurylenko seems at first a bit too skinny looking to be a really strong Pict warrior, but her mute character and her brutal nature soon overcomes this. She is a really powerful presence on screen, but as well as being intimidating, she also comes across as quite a tragic figure, and her skinny frame also portrays a sense of frailty to her character that comes across very well. She clearly leads an almost heartbreakingly sad existence living only for vengeance.

There are a couple of flaws in this film. The Romans carry spears rather than pilums (though that can apparently be explained away by compromise), the weird romantic subplot that appears during the course of the plot seems strangely tacked on and out of place. Also, what struck me as strangest was that after Etain's brutalisation she headed north to Gorlacon's tribe, presumably at such a young age and in the state she'd have been in she'd not have been able to travel too far so she probably came from the northeast of Albion, but how was she able to tell them such a detailed story of her brutality if she was mute? Having said all that, the camera work is excellent. Though the Romans are invaders and one would naturally side with the picts, their own brutality comes through and you really sympathise with the tired, cold, hungry and scared survivors as this unstoppable Pict warrior and her followers, and the extent that even the landscape is a threat to them.

If you haven't seen Centurion yet, see it, but recognise that it is not a perfect movie, though a damned fine one at that

Jackboots on Whitehall (2010)

My God I think my sides split!

[10/10 · 21 August 2012]

It may look like a team America knock off (actually maybe it is) but it is an utterly hilarious team America knock off! The idea of alternate history is brilliant. I won't spoil the jokes, but some of them had my insides aching from laughter. True there is some British humour that some people may not get, but the sheer ludicrousness of the film's premise is just inspired. The voice acting is really good, with a decent cast.

We start off after Dunkirk, only the British Army has not escaped, and nobody is left to fight. London comes under attack and the English are forced north to Scotland with the help of a farmer from Kent, and the inhabitants of the village, Winston Churchill, an American, aaaand...I won't spoil the outcome, but needless to say, you will be very much amused if you aren't laughing your head off.

Not as politically edgy as Team America or blatantly vulgar, but if you like British comedy, give it a go! I may be biased, but I completely loved it.

The Legend of the Titanic (1999)

How dare you!!!!!!!

[1/10 · 18 August 2012]

Fortunately, I missed this hideous piece of animation dead weight as a child, probably because it was so obscure thankfully (!) So a dog pees as if it is doing something else on someone's foot, nonsensical plot lines, and bizarrely enough, talking mice. A tacked on romantic plot that's kind of creepy, the blatant thieving of the 'there-are-no-cats-in-america' song, but worst of all, a huge utterly unsubtle agenda about whaling. Why should we as an audience care? We don't see the damned creatures until the end anyway (though I must mention that I know of this rubbish from nostalgia critic). Also, did anyone else notice that the bad guys disappear and nobody mentions or remembers them again? Not to mention that the New York skyline is a circa 1990-something skyline as opposed to 1912? Though I admit that's the least of its problems. No, the worst of it is humans being able to talk to dolphins through some moonbeams-through-tears nonsense, mice serving as crew for no reason whatsoever, and boat-sinking sharks that have prison uniforms for some reason and get a dog-faced (????) octopus to throw the iceberg at the ship. But the octopus and whales save everyone on board. And the mice and humans marry and they and the dogs meet their saviour octopus and apparently the people who died was a 'misunderstanding'. In response, how dare they. How dare they insult the people who actually died - some to save others - and how dare they insult our intelligence.

Anyone who worked on this should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Freddy Got Fingered (2001)

The lack of talent is impressive

[2/10 · 12 August 2012]

This film is incredible. It is unbelievable. I am at a loss to the things I witnessed in this film. The story is something about an animator who leaves home, then returns home for some reason, finds a date with a paraplegic, irritates the life out of his father - quite understandably, and acts with destructive stupidity that makes the BBC Top Gear look sober. And that's about it.

What makes this film so bad is the sheer pointlessness and lack of intelligence in its humour. Silly humour can be great - look at Monty Python's absurdist magnificence. Gross out humour can work if done properly such as South Park and Trainspotting. This however, does neither well. The story is pointless as well, all of it comes as an excuse for Tom Green to annoy the life out of everyone in his vicinity.

We have a guy virtually rubbing a sandwich on his face, the same guy licking a man's broken bone, masturbating a horse, sucking a cow's udders, masturbating an elephant, swinging a phallic salami around on a sandwich production line, walking around in a deer carcass, swinging a baby round by the umbilical cord. Though I am an atheist, I am sure that baby Jesus is crying his eyes out somewhere. Green uses the sort of humour that I would've used to entertain my little cousins when I was nine. Equally unfunny "comedian" Chris Rock likes this film, therefore I rest my case.

Having said all of this, it is hard not to laugh at Green because of the sheer insanity he portrays - though we definitely laugh AT him and not WITH him. Plus the level of sheer audacity, talentlessness, brainlessness, stupidity and wackiness is really something to behold. I suppose we should give Green the credit for having the cojones to let a building fall on top of him a la Buster Keaton, and for cr*pping on Hollywood's carpet when they thoroughly deserve it for their own frequent lack of talent and intelligence. But at the end of the day, Green only does that by coincidence. Go ahead and see it if you like that sort of thing, but don;t say I didn't warn you!

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)

one of the worst things on this planet besides gangrene

[1/10 · 10 August 2012]

The only reason I ever heard of this appalling movie is because of Nostalgia Critic. Mercifully, I never had to witness it as a kid, but after the review (you think I'd spend money to see this pile of cinematic sewage?) I was convinced that something this nauseating could only be devised by the cruellest and most heartless of movie makers. After Distant Voices Still Lives I thought I'd seen it all. The worst of the worst. I was wrong.

The film involves a 12 year old kid being chased around by a group of bullies who strangely seem to be in their early twenties. There's some near-romantic sub-plot with a cute girl in that group (making it even more awkward), and the nonsensical introduction to these unexplained creatures who come from a garbage can. They have names according to their gross-out specialities, and their appearance is enough to cause even the strongest stomachs to return their breakfast. The man who keeps the place in which they are found is a man - presumably immortal judging by one of his speeches - who says that ugliness is not to be judged by appearance but character. I quote: 'to be blessed with unusual features is an adventure', something I'd love to see him try on most burn victims.

There's further nonsensical plot, a prison for ugly people, and I can't be bothered to explain the rest. If you don't understand this movie by what I say, neither do I. Mercifully, this movie was punished at the box office when parents successfully campaigned to have it banned. None of it makes sense, it is unfunny, and utterly, utterly sickening. Nobody should be subjected to this film for any reason other than torture. I'd find more joy in being hanged drawn and quartered.

Batman & Robin (1997)

God please make it stop!

[1/10 · 9 August 2012]

I can't believe this movie. After the thankful resurrection of the Batman movies by Nolan, witnessing this is nothing short of torture. Basically, the story is Batman has to stop Mr Freeze from taking over the world...for some reason, and a plant-woman called 'poison ivy'. Either way, they should forget it. Only Britain managed to do that successfully, nobody else has. And even that was only a measly quarter - don't patronise the audience! The dialogue is appalling, the one liners are boring, they don't even make you groan in a good way! The sets are horrible, the characters are horrible, the designs are horrible (bat nipples on the suits? The gay designer was clearly being very unprofessional!) in general, a horrible experience. I would find more fun from sitting in a bath full of bullet ants than from watching a minute of this insult to human intelligence!

Braveheart (1995)

Double-edged sword

[7/10 · 8 August 2012]

Braveheart is a film that I've found it hard to make up my mind about. I loved it when I first saw it, then I hated it when it started to fuel Anglophobia in Scotland, often with horrible consequences - for instance, a girl half-blinded in Aberdeen for being English.

The story is roughly based on the life of William Wallace, a minor knight who led a rebellion in medieval Scotland against English forces invading under the command of King Edward I. Wallace is successful, until his own countrymen betray him to military defeat, and betrayal to English forces, where he is executed.

What's good about this film? The characters are very likable, you really care about Wallace and his comrades and feel for what he is going through. The English get irredeemable characterisation - being the foes of the piece, but interestingly so do some of the Scottish nobles who are responsible for Wallace's downfall. The soundtrack, battles, and settings are top notch as well.

What's bad about this film? It forgets that it's not a history lesson and purports some of its mistakes as fact. And these aren't minor errors, but glaring ones that are so huge they are laughable - e.g. the french princess falling pregnant by Wallace. The Scottish response to this film is disturbing. English people living in Scotland has suffered horribly, despite this being a film based on out-of-date politics. Wallace is portrayed as a peasant farmer as are his comrades, again false. He and his men would've looked similar to the English soldiers as they appear in the film. Also, having the English with no redeemable qualities makes for poor characterisation, and inevitably weakens the film. Also the inaccuracies are a shame, because the story of Wallace is a really great story! A lot of these details are snubbed and forgotten, which is a real pity.

As a film, it is not to be taken seriously whatsoever. As a fictional account and entertainment, it's great.

Just don't go around attacking English people after seeing it, because that is unacceptable.

Junior (1994)

Who the hell thought THAT up???

[1/10 · 4 August 2012]

Errr...OK where to start with this one? Arnold Schwartzenegger is a scientist who wants to test a pregnancy drug for women but doesn't get permission to do it. Instead, he and Danny DeVito come up with the utterly deranged idea to decide to test it on a man, that being Schwartzenegger obviously. After starting the experiment somehow, Arnold eventually abandons the testing in exchange for keeping the baby, acting like a sensitive woman, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

This film is terrible. It's your basic 1990s big-tough-guy-tapping-into-his-feminine-side awful comedy like 'Mr Nanny' I suppose (lessons which have NOT been beneficial to men OR women, but that's another story). There is some cheesy feminist rhetoric as to 'my body my choice' and 'you should try being a woman, it's a nightmare' (which in and of itself makes no logical sense), and none of it is remotely funny. I suppose the problem is that now that male sensitivity is mainstream to a somewhat crippling level, this film fails to be funny anymore. It just looks dated. The science which propels this horrifying idea forward is broken - how the hell does Arnold even grow a baby, having no womb? For me, I'd rather commit seppuku than watch this god-awful pile of horse manure again.

Tormented (I) (2009)

Very funny parody of high school in Britain

[26 July 2011]

I've just seen tormented and I was interested in the idea. Having been bullied at school myself, I was actually looking forward to seeing this film.

The film is simple enough, basically an unlucky teenage boy has committed suicide after a long period of vicious bullying from fellow pupils, and each one of his tormentors starts being picked off in various violent and painful ways. The entire film comes across as a very good parody on high school life, with the usual trappings of school uniforms doubling up as sexy outfits, annoying pretentious goths, and so on.

The methods of murder used by the unfortunate mullet are of course often very funny, being over-the-top and ridiculously gory, but as is the case with the rape-revenge horror, it is almost impossible to side with the victims. In fact, I often found myself cheering on their deaths - with one or two exceptions - and laughing heartily at the ridiculous and tongue-in-cheek deaths (I suppose that was the intention), especially since the ghost still needs an inhaler to keep going.

Strangely, because it is a parody, nearly all of the characters aside from the main one came across as cardboard cut-outs of 'jocks', 'emos' and 'nerds' with no real middle ground. Presumably because the makers assume this is what high school is really like, and the bullies' total lack of remorse and contempt for the deceased suicide victim combined with dialogue that is much more intelligent than what real high-school bullies sound like (who would probably be more likely to avoid the subject and try and clean their consciences over someone's death), and as a result they appear to be real sadists and Nazis rather than mere high-school thickos.

Indeed, because they are all wierdly screen savvy with perfectly formed bodies, they do seem like the poster children for the Aryan race. Still, it makes it all the more satisfying when they die.

The one character with a conscience seems to be Justine (or whatever her name is), having been only vaguely aware of Darren's suffering and is visibly horrified when she discovers how much he had to stand, making her fate at the end quite tragic. In all, I would recommend this movie, but don't take it seriously at all.

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)

Predictably not as good...

[25 July 2011]

I don't think I can find much to say about Paranormal Activity 2 except for that predictably because many of the things it does in the first film are done in the second film, the sequel isn't as proficient as its predecessor at grabbing you by the throat and nearly strangling you to death.

Interestingly, this film sheds some light on the subject of the films, and the origins of the spiritual creature that mercilessly torments the protagonist. This film takes part as a prequel, when Katie's sister brings her newborn baby son home, and soon reveals the reasons for the demon's appearance.

SPOILER A few reasons for the actions in the first film are revealed in the second.

Firstly it is implied that in the murky past of the Featherstone family, a member of the family made a deal with a demon to give said demon their first male heir in exchange for wealth and fortune.

Second, the reason for Katie's torment is revealed to be because of the father passing it on to her to save his family (which unfortunately - if you've seen what happens to poor Katie in the first film - makes him and his family seem somewhat cowardly and unsympathetic with the exception of Hunter. As a result, the fear and shock of the ending when said demon now liberated from its prison at Katie and Micah's house and determined to get what it wants, takes it out on Katie's sister and brother in law, is unfortunately replaced with a 'yeah, you deserved that' sort of reaction, which I feel is a bit of a weakness, especially since said ending - though still scary - is nowhere near as horrifying as the ending to the first).

These revelations are interesting and add to the story in my opinion, but if the mystery of the films makes it worth watching then you probably should avoid this one.

The film is still tense enough to warrant you trying not to look at the screen for fear of horrible things to emerge in front of you, but after the first it doesn't have nearly the same impact. At the end of the day, it's a fun scarefest to watch, as long as you don't expect it to be on a par with the first (sequels rarely are anyway).

The Four Feathers (2002)

Not a total disaster, but could've been improved.

[6/10 · 30 November 2010]

I have often taken part in studying Victorian history (partly due to my interest in steam trains)and have recently moved on to Imperial history (which previously only extended to the railways laid in India and Africa) and I have learned a lot. Therefore this film has been of a lot of interest to me.

The premise is a solid one. Heath Ledger plays Harry Faversham a British army officer in the late Victorian period of the 1880s-1890s. Peacetime soldiering is uneventful, with marriage to his fiancé imminent, but when a violent clash occurs between Islamic fighters in Sudan and the British Army, Faversham seems uneager to go to war unlike his friends, and returns o be with his fiancé. Unfortunately, all of them take a dim view of these actions, and they deliver him four white feathers as symbols of his perceived cowardice.

Desperately keen to prove them all wrong, Faversham heads out to the Sudan to return the feathers back to his friends as the war spirals into disaster. And this is where things start to go wrong in the story. The characters are split up by the results of the battle, and Harry's redemption seems a little lacking in climax.

This seems odd, as the previously solid structure of the film seems to break apart in the battle with the British defeat (when in reality this was actuall a victory, and could've kept the story intact had it been kept this way).

All the character journeys seem to confusingly switch from one to the other, including a brief love triangle that doesn't seem to work in its execution. Surprisingly, there are few moments in this film of the British as brutal monsters, the closest we get is a bit with Djimon Honsou's character being whipped for an unclear charge, but if the director Khapur wished to explore this theme he hasn't made it clear enough to the audience. In general, the final part of the film is touching in its performance by the generally good main cast and sympathy for the main characters, but unfortunately comes across as too insubstantial to be worth paying for.

Mangal Pandey (2005)

A missed opportunity

[4/10 · 30 November 2010]

The history behind the Indian rebellion of 1857 is a long and complicated one which is too long to start off with. An officer in the East India company (Toby Stephens) is friends with an Indian soldier Mangal Pandey. The film starts off well, tackling subjects such as the dubious nature of a corporation controlling a country, and the more honourable traits of men such as Stephens' and Pandey's characters, who simply wish to do good in their service. The film is intriguing in its technique of using British characters speaking the native language, and the friendship between Pandey and the officer works well to set the film up for a story of two men caught on each side of conflict.

Actually, no it does not.

The film soon takes a large u-turn and goes into some very poorly done anti-imperialism moral lessons (which was far better in the film 'Ghandi'), and the dialogue between Pandey and Stephens' character (in fact, all character relationships) are all ultimately abandoned for some very badly linked events and a completely contrived ending, where Pandey as the mutiny leader flies up in the air on a noose, while the crowds charge and slaughter all the soldiers (and British civilians) in the vicinity. Disturbingly, this also includes the burning of a church, and the mutiny is presented as the beginning of the Ghandi movement at the end, when in fact India was ruled by Britain under the crown for another 90 years. This film is an utter waste, and a terrible shame.

Robin Hood (2010)

Hard to understand but ultimately worth it

[11 September 2010]

The original film of Robin Hood has undergone several changes, including swapping the hero-villain roles of Robin and the sheriff of Nottingham in an early draft. Therefore the constant changes made by the makers could explain the reason behind the dissatisfaction. But despite these changes, I felt very satisfied by the film, though this was probably because the prequel nature of the film was revealed to me before I even saw it.

We start off with Robin Longstride and his friends, John (curiously played by an actor who Crowe stabs to death in 3:10 to Yuma), Will, and Alan, archers in the English army led in battle by King Richard against the French. After the death of the king at the hands of an incredibly lucky cook with a crossbow, Robin and his friends - now in trouble for criticising the king - desert for home and find themselves caught up in a French conspiracy to invade England. Cue a long period where Robin and his men pose almost "Knight's tale" style as a knight and his servants because of circumstances, and presumably to help prepare for the invasion of France.

With the first ambush, the swapping of identities with Locksley, and the introduction of various characters as the English gather together for a showdown with the French, the film's greatest weakness is revealed in its somewhat confusing and twisting plot. This is not helped at all by the flashbacks to Robin's past. However, it all gradually comes together by the end, as the climax finally appears. The characters are well written and well rounded, and the casting is excellent, and it is interesting to see Prince John as King John appear as a brave fighter and an initial ally of Robin (though I was disappointed by the somewhat brief appearance of the sheriff who perhaps needs more fleshing out for the next film) just don't get your hopes up if you want to see Robin Hood as an Outlaw because that doesn't appear until the end.

Some viewers in the U.S. might be puzzled by my praise of the film, but what those of you across the pond might not realise is that the BBC came up with a TV series of Robin Hood that eventually crashed and burned horribly, including ultimately the death of Marion part of the way through the series to be replaced by a dim-witted peasant girl, and Robin dies at the end of the series after taking the sheriff with him. After seeing the BBC ruin the legend completely, no Robin Hood film can ever be bad.

Not the best adaptation of the legend, but there are so many ways to do this. Some modern versions of Robin Hood include him being a teenager outlawed for killing the king's deer who meets up with some deformed outcasts. One even shows Robin as a pagan shunned for murdering a bullying priest when still the son of a noble. And according to research, the theory of Robin as a deserting archer is closest to the truth, so keep an open mind and you may enjoy it.

Starter for 10 (2006)

A brilliant feel-good movie

[16 July 2010]

This film has to be one of my favourites since I was forced to watch it by cultural people. Luckily I was not disappointed.

The general story is of a Brian (McAvoy), an intelligent and clever young man who after going to university in Bristol, joins the University Challenge team. During this time, he falls for an attractive blonde on the team called Alice (Eve) while being completely oblivious to the affections of the beautiful intellectual, Rebecca Epstein (Hall).

The film has a great cast and some good comedy moments. A great cast, and some good dialogue. There's not much else to say about it, but that if you ever feel unhappy and depressed, watch this gem, it will not disappoint in cheering you up.

The Final (I) (2010)

Disturbingly impressive

[9/10 · 20 May 2010]

Revenge horror films are difficult to understand sometimes because you don't always know who to root for. Jennifer's Body, Megan Fox kills a few unsuspecting males, even though not all of her victims were involved in her initial demise. Tormented's Calvin Dean is another example of someone who was wronged, and who is dishing out justice from beyond the grave - to an extent.

Being someone who was bullied until the age of 16, I found a worrying affinity with the torturers in this film (without endorsing their actions I might add!), because I simply felt really sorry for them when being treated like scum by some of their more socially acceptable high school counterparts, for no other reason than amusement (and as someone who is ashamed to admit, has been a bully on occasion in school, I can clarify this is a reason people bully).

Basically, the premise is that a group of high school students get an unknown invite to a party at a house in the middle of a forest, though the fact that they don't bother to find out whose it is implies some stupidity on their behalf. Nevertheless, they go to party and drink, but little do they know they are in for a shock.

The booze is spiked and they all pass out, only to awaken to find themselves in shackles, and discover their jailers are masked sadists whose sole mission is to punish them for the suffering they have experienced.

There are no real weak links in the cast, the yobs and yobettes who are set to suffer indiscribably, are very convincing in their portrayal of the terror and regret that their actions have blown up in their faces. Justin Arnold and the girls are excellent as they transform from arrogant airheads to cowering sacrificial lambs. Curiously though, this makes it hard to root for them, as they mostly seem to deserve what they get (with the exception of Jascha Washington's Kurtis who emerges as the hero of the piece). I also feel that the fate of a couple of others such as Julin's 'Heather' are brushed over too much.

The leader of the torture group doesn't come off as sadist, but more that he is angry and unpredictable. The other characters are best when they are silent and tormenting their victims with few words. The understatement of both their sadism and blood and gore is the real strength in this film (hence the impact of 'Audition'), and I found myself curling my toes as a girl in a chair is introduced to a large pair of secateurs...

But the best praise I have is for Lindsay Seidel's Emily. Her first appearance as an unassuming and harmless emo type, she comes across as easy meat. But when she appears understatedly beautiful and deadly as the nightmare begins, she becomes a different person, and her understated sadism is one of the most disturbing parts of the film. Her transformation from a goth-geek into a femme-fatele is spectacular.

I wouldn't recommend this if you're a gore-fan (or a high school bully yourself), but apart from that, go and see it! It's great!

The Hurt Locker (2008)

Not bad, but not great either.

[22 April 2010]

The Hurt Locker is a film I've been looking forward to since it came out. Problem is, it's not what I expected.

A few spoilers, be warned. Jeremy Renner's character is seemingly meant to be heroic. But he just doesn't come across in that way a lot of the time. He discards his kit saying he'd prefer to 'die comfy' (not that having a cloud of shrapnel in the face would increase any feel good factor). To add to that, the Iraqis are watching their friends in a way that suggests an attack is about to happen, but Renner's character ignores them and gets on with disarming a bomb that could be dealt with by someone else.

The British contractors are stupid beyond belief in not changing position after firing a sniper rifle (and this is coming from a civilian who has only read about combat), resulting in two being killed and the others seemingly running away.

The next bit that comes as a bit of an oddity is his attempt to catch a man who murdered an Iraqi boy by having the good idea of running around the streets in a hooded top and American combat fatigues, something that is simply asking for trouble.

Having said all this, the setting and the cinematography is great, but the story meanders and eventually falls flat on its face. It's interesting, and there are some expectedly tense moments, and there are some good actors here (especially the ones making their bit part appearances) but it's definitely not exciting.

Now Sniper One, that would make a brilliant film!

Paranormal Activity (2007)

A very clever and creative scare-fest.

[9/10 · 26 March 2010]

Well, Paranormal Activity. This is an interesting film to talk about because I didn't even go because of any hype. In fact, I had never heard of it and only went because I happened to be in London one day and discovered that it was on in a cinema near to where I was. Being better choice than Full Moon, I decided that it was the only decent thing on and went to see.

The general story follows a couple in San Diego, Katie and Micah. Katie has been followed by a ghoulish entity for a long time, and it has inexplicably re-appeared. Micah decides to record the goings-on at night and bravely - but foolishly - tries to see if he can fix the problem. Gradually because of his recordings and attempts to communicate with it, the creature - revealed to be not just a ghost, but a demon, ups the ante and increases it's terrorising actions in the night, until...well you'll have to watch the film.

The film gets a bit boring in between scares, and sometimes you know the demon is coming in the night shots when you hear a slow rumble you know something is going to happen, though some things that happen are scary enough to still freak you out. With only a couple of characters, the acting is far more intense, and unlike many others, you find yourself giving a (beep) about these characters unlike most horror films where they are just meat for the grinder.

The true strengths that this film is built on are not so much what happens, but the ideas that are portrayed, that tap into your primal fears. From something that goes 'bump' in the night, to more extreme noises, violence being done on you while you sleep, being stared at for long periods of time while you sleep, someone you know, love and trust turning on you all of a sudden, and the fact that it happens in an ordinary house like, say, for example, Yours!

Very little is shown until the end - although that largely depends on what ending they show you - and that is what makes it scary. For me, I found that the scariest thing about the movie was that many of the things it showed involved the imaginary night time scenarios that I've always feared in my darkest nightmares!

Of course some people don't find it scary, but it depends on what floats your boat. If you're a gorehound, don't bother because there is almost none, otherwise, take a look! Sleep tight!

The Haunting (1999)

Horrible

[1/10 · 26 March 2010]

I was unlucky enough to be curious enough to see this film. At first glance at the trailer, it appears to be a sort of supernatural horror thriller movie, only to be sorely disappointed.

The general storyline. Woman gets a phone call suggesting she sign up for an experiment in an old house. She meets a couple of other people (who seem to randomly vanish from the plot later without word of explanation) to take part in the experiment. Shortly after, strange things happen in the house, and things go further downhill (for the unfortunate audience).

I first started to get suspicious when I saw the figures appearing via bedsheets, and somehow the main character doesn't find this remotely odd or scary. Later on, the house ups the ante, and I can't be bothered to further illustrate other than that the so called 'scares' are brought about by special effects (and not remotely scary), acting from all the cast is poor beyond belief - especially Lilli whats-her-face shouting 'you shall not harm a child' for no understandable reason whatsoever, and the climax seems to occur via something that wouldn't look out of place on scooby doo. All in all, I found myself inexplicably wondering why I hadn't wasted by time with a far superiour pile of cr*p. Like Freddie Got Fingered.

Go and see paranormal activity instead. It is far superior.

Zulu (1964)

Ageless classic

[10/10 · 3 January 2010]

Zulu is a film that has been referred to countless times of a classic story of a group of defenders at a fortress being outnumbered by an attacking force, and defending themselves. Such a story applies to not just Rorke's drift, but to other films such as Helm's Deep in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, but we can see why Zulu set the standard.

The acting is amazing, with Michael Caine shining as the young Lieutenant, and the story is exciting, but also at the end, strangely touching, gaining a lot of respect and sympathy from me towards both sides of the battle, a balance rarely achieved by Hollywood with the Indians in the 1960s, and pretty much anyone else nowadays.

The story of Rorke's drift is one of the few British Empire films that is not anglophobic and anti-British, all too common in the age of the politically correct), but curiously manages to be very pro-welsh at the same time (a nice change from the usual Mel Gibson approach). There is little else to say about this film, other than that unless you are all too sensitive about imperialism in the past, then please watch this film. You won't regret it!