bitrot Reviews

Saw (2004)

I came, I Saw...

[1/10 · 24 November 2004]

...I laughed my arse off!

Come on, folks, this is not a scary film. Or not in the conventional sense anyway, although I concede that it is scary it ever got made. It fails in the central premise of horror films, in that you couldn't give a frig about either of the protagonists. The only dilemma the audience faces is which of them they'd like to see die first, and how. Sadly (and I don't feel it's a spoiler to reveal this), my prayers to see the irritating b*****d doctor - played by (or should that be carved from) Cary Elwes - being flayed alive with a pair of rusty toenail clippers by a crazed Nicky Campbell went cruelly unanswered.

A word of advice: don't be fooled by comparisons with Seven. The Guardian's review of Saw gave it 4 stars (bewilderingly out of 5, not 100) and concluded: "Perhaps you enjoyed Se7en. This often goes up to Ei8ht." Maybe they were watching a different film, because the one I saw struggled to get up to 0ne (except on the silliness scale, where it went all the way to e11even).

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

On a par with the Two Towers

[1/10 · 22 May 2003]

i.e. complete rubbish.

Now I don't want to put you folks off here. If you're under 17, emotionally sub-normal and you love Bullet Time effects to the point of unhealthy obsession, you'll love it! It's got everything: dialogue to die for ("Come on!", "Let's go!", "Oh no!", "It's an anomaly in the quasi-reality vector quadrant calculator sonic screwdriver bingy bongy boogy whatsit upside-down trouser jam flange socket!"), a Bullet Time sequence every 30 seconds, lots of whizzo special effects and a nu-metal sex scene optimally timed for the average 17-year-old male's time-to-climax. Oh yes, it's got the lot.

On the down side: no hobbits, orcs, elves, wizards, pixies, bog-trolls, tree-fairies, mud-wraiths or Brown Bandits. The truly desperate sad amongst you should take note and give this one a wide berth.

Seriously, though, you'll love it. It's got Keanu Reeves running round a big stick and some twins with funny hair. What's not to like?

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

Rubbish... and then some

[1/10 · 8 January 2003]

Mind-numbingly tedious bilge wherein some funny-looking kids with hairy feet and oo-ar Devon accents wander round New Zealand getting into impossibly perilous situations, the odds stacked against them like a great big stacked thing (with horns!), and then escape while their adversaries inexplicably kill each other instead. It makes the A Team look well written.

There's a big battle scene at the end which is really exciting provided you haven't already seen Spartacus, Braveheart, Gladiator, Star Wars, the first awful Rings film and indeed any other big-budget film made in the last 40 years. Otherwise it's just dull.

If you're really at a loose end and tempted to see this film, give serious consideration to tuning in to BBC Parliament instead and watching a select committee live from the Welsh Assembly.