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Reviews
V (2009)
A dive into the recycle bin...
This show is absolutely atrocious. If you happen to have TiVo, I can recommend a fun little game: Pause the show 10 seconds into each scene, then list all the clichés you can think of which might appear in such a scene. I guarantee you, that is what the scene will actually contain, and no more.
The acting is hard to judge, since the writing is so awful. The dialogue is toe-curlingly cringe-worthy, infuriatingly predictable, and indescribably fake. Add to that the most outrageously unrealistic character behavior ever to appear on television, and you have a show so ungodly terrible, anyone with more brain cells than fingers is bound to be downright offended by it. I consider it something of an assault on my person to have been presented with this traffic accident of a TV show.
And of course (OF COURSE - it's 2009 in America!) there is a pointless, syrupy, infantile, and wholly useless little teenage romance, which completely disrupts the main (sad excuse for a) plot. I guess the producers couldn't resist tapping into the teenage demographic with a bit of puppy love so appallingly awful as to make any adult of even moderate intelligence fast forward through most of it (I know I did).
I cannot think of a single good thing to say about this show. It is an exercise in recycling, which amounts to a failure of galactic proportions.
And on a final note, I should add that am I not myself American, so while I am led to understand that even this worthless garbage show has become food for political debate, I am not myself motivated by any such considerations.
I wish I could award this awful trash zero stars.
Cannibal Holocaust (1980)
A Haunting Masterpiece
Those who have seen Cannibal Holocaust either love it or hate it. If you read reviews on this site, or anywhere else, ratings tend to land at the extremes rather than anywhere in between: some give it 10/10, others 1/10. As in all matters of taste, it is absolutely pointless to attack the other side for being "wrong" about the movie. The movie is what it is. Either you love it or you don't.
With that said, I obviously belong in the category of people who love Cannibal Holocaust. So much so that I make no reservations about calling this one of the greatest cinematic achievements of the 20th century.
I cannot abide animal abuse. I am to this day haunted by pictures of dead pets that I glimpsed for a second, years ago. I find the inclusion of real violence toward animals to be reprehensible, and yet I realize its purpose, and know that part of the overall effect of the movie is to be credited to this animal snuff. By switching between real animal killing and fake human killing, the line between fact and fiction is ever so subtly blurred, and the effect is powerful. I am very hesitant to defend cruelty to animals, but it is undeniable that it is part of what makes Cannibal Holocaust so stunning.
Another key element in the movie is the breathtaking score by Riz Ortolani. The movie opens with beautiful shots of the jungle, filmed from a helicopter and accompanied by the most beautiful music I've ever heard in a movie. Then the music fades out, the plot moves along, and it isn't until much later, during the most terrifying and meaningless act of cruelty in the movie, that the theme song returns. The effect is simply amazing. I for one got goose bumps all over my body.
The acting is not Oscar-worthy, but neither is it horrible. I found most of the actors to be quite convincing, and some of their reactions are certainly so, since the actors reportedly often reacted with revulsion to the scenes in which they acted.
The plot is well-structured, and flows with masterful steadiness toward the climax of the final scenes. Apart from a few weak parts, the story and dialog are not at all bad. The way in which the feelings of the viewer toward the four filmmakers are manipulated is sublime, and ensures that the ending leaves one with a feeling of revulsion and satisfaction all at once.
I cannot recommend this movie enough. If you, reader, have not yet seen this movie, I strongly urge you to seek it out. It is of course possible that you'll end up hating it for whatever reason, and that is a perfectly valid response to such powerful material, but it just might be that you react as I did, with awe and reverence.
The Happening (2008)
Oh dear.
Oh the horror, the unspeakable horror! The Happening is horrible, but not in a good way. There are parts of the movie that are really exciting and intriguing, and M. Night Shyamalan keeps the viewer guessing, as he is wont to do. This is all, however, completely secondary to the unfathomable lameness of the ending (and, to a lesser extent, Zooey Deschanel's atrocious acting).
Spoilers ahead...
People are killing themselves, and the end of the movie gives us the answer to this suicide spree: Plants have "rapidly evolved" in response to humanity's disrespect for the environment, and these plants spend 25 hours pumping out lethal chemicals.
I wish I were making that up, but that's the explanation.
Apart from the obvious (i.e. that this is possibly the lamest, least exciting, and most laughably inane premise for a movie), I am absolutely horrified by M. Night Shyamalan's decision to include not the scientific fact of evolution, but a twisted version which conforms to the Creationist misunderstanding of the term.
Species do not simply make a collective decision to evolve in order to meet a challenge. Animals do not grow extra arms or legs overnight to fight off a competitor. Evolution is not a conscious undertaking, but an unavoidable phenomenon which emerges due to the combination of random genetic mutation in individuals and subsequent non-random selection in the areas of survival and reproduction. I shan't go into further detail since this is a movie site rather than a scientific blog, but suffice it to say that M. Night Shyamalan's understanding of evolution is feeble at best, and, if taken to reflect reality, makes the pro-evolution crowd look like bumbling imbeciles. We are not, I believe, but unless people like M. Night Shyamalan stop propagating these outrageously inaccurate misunderstandings of evolution, we will forever appear as such.
Returning briefly to the other parts of the movie, I suggest anyone interested in watching this car wreck of a film simply stop watching after about 1 hour and 15 minutes. Everything even remotely interesting has already happened at that point.
Pseudo-science, bad acting and inane storytelling earns a score of 1/10.
Doomsday (2008)
Unintentionally Hilarious
This is, without a doubt, one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It is so fantastically bad, I could talk for hours and hours about each and every little atrociously bad element of the movie. I am no stranger to the incredible or the suspension of disbelief required of any sci-fi fan wishing to be entertained. I love outlandish and outrageous things! I cannot, however, abide things which are literally UN-BELIEVABLE, and which conflict with ANY world, fictional or not.
This movie is a tour de force of idiocy. It is one long line of things so unimaginably retarded, you end up with a slight sensation of vertigo from shaking your head so thoroughly from start to finish. I will mention a few things that stood out as being particularly idiotic, but please believe me when I say that there are somewhere in the neighborhood of five hundred to a thousand equally appalling scenes left unmentioned.
Let's begin. Why are the soldiers at the beginning standing amidst a crowd of plague-carrying Scots? Why are they in front of the fence? As you ponder this, watching them get torn to shreds, you are interrupted by the realization that not only is there a fence behind which they would have been safe, there is also a forty foot tall steel wall a few hundred feet further back. Why are they not behind this wall? Who is in charge of this completely incompetent band of military morons? Why is a chopper behind enemy lines at this point? Why are the soldiers in the chopper not wearing protective gear? Why do they let indigenous Scots covered in blood and grime approach the helicopter? Why do they bring a blood-covered, bleeding, Scottish girl fresh from the crowd of plague-carrying lunatics onto their chopper, which is en route to the safe side of the wall? Is this not...perhaps a little foolish? In 2035, why does the heroine toss her eyeball (yes, really) instead of using a small mirror? Failing that, why isn't she using a little camera and a wrist-mounted monitor? In 2035? On that note: why is the technology in 2035 virtually indistinguishable from technology in 2008? Returning to our heroine, why would she give up her depth perception and risk losing her one eye? Someone might step on it, I'd think? How does the eye rotate on a flat surface without movable parts, while staying in place? Up in Scotland, if the tanks in which the special forces ride are so sturdy and gas-proof and you'd-need-a-50-caliber-rifle-to-put-a-dent-in-this solid, why does it come equipped with a large glass front window which can be shattered by throwing a brick? Why did no one spot the cows from afar? A thousand cows and suddenly they just hit one in the middle of the herd without warning? Ninja cows? Who dyed the Scots' hair? Why do they dye their hair? Why are they armed and working together? Why are they in the hospital after 27 years? Did they sit there for 27 years thinking, "One of these days...!" ? Who took the time to carve the names of disease-victims intricately into the large slab of marble at the hospital? After Scotland is walled in, its population dropping like flies, someone took the time to erect a massive marble wall and start carving the names of the dead into it? Seriously? How could a scientist in 2008 get further with his research in 3 months in a war zone than the entire body of scientists on the planet could in 27 years? Why did the rest of the world's scientists not attempt to concoct a cure for the virus? Why does the guy left behind in the vehicle outside the hospital go out to "help" the girl? Why does he carry her into the tank, remove his protective gear, and then turn his back on her? Who exactly is throwing the grenade right after the guy gets his throat slit and dies?
I could go on for a great deal longer, I assure you. I repeat: EVERYTHING - every single little thing - about this movie is so indescribably retarded as to be downright depressing.
This is the worst movie in the world. Hands down.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
Hooray!
This is an absolutely sublime installment of the Indiana Jones series. It captures the feel of Raiders absolutely flawlessly, and anyone who grew up in the 80s is bound to cheer wildly during Crystal Skull. I've spoken to people who didn't enjoy this movie, but they all had one thing in common: no love for the original trilogy! I was concerned about Shia LaBeouf being in it, since I'm not a big fan of his. He really changed my view of him with this performance. His original entry will seem VERY familiar, and not in a bad way.
A lot of thought has gone into every aspect of Crystal Skull. It is evident, I think, that Raiders is the model for Crystal Skull, rather than Temple of Doom or Last Crusade. And that's a good thing! Raiders of the Lost Ark is possibly my favorite movie of all time, and certainly my favorite adventure movie. Crystal Skull is now right up there in the Top Ten! If you're an Indiana Jones fan, Crystal Skull will not disappoint.
Sublime!
Butterfly on a Wheel (2007)
Offensively bad movie.
This movie is pretty much a highlights reel for all the atrociously awful thrillers released (straight to video for the most part) in the past twenty years. Highlights is a misleading term, though, as it suggests a degree of quality which is certainly not present here.
Every phrase, every utterance, and every exchange has been heard a hundred thousand times before. Every action, every event, and every scene has been seen a hundred thousand times before.
"Butterfly on a Wheel" is leaps and bounds ahead of the competition in the race to be the most predictable, god-awful piece of crap in the history of storytelling.
Words cannot express how utterly tired I am of these painful trips into the recycle bin of motion pictures.
Awful movie in every way. I wish I could rate it 0/10. Or -395/10.
Dan in Real Life (2007)
The most thoroughly repulsive main character in modern cinematic history.
I suppose my vote may be harsh, but I do not consider a movie that constantly makes me cringe with embarrassment and repulsion a good one.
Steve Carell's character is an unrestrained ass of the first degree. Almost every scene in the movie has him doing something that makes me shake my head and frown. He repeatedly spits his brother in the face, and forces his entire extended family witness his unfathomably petty behavior, which they handle with admirable restraint. To avoid spoilers, I will not elaborate on the nature of his trespasses against common decency, but they are legion.
The only likable character in the movie is Steve Carell's brother (Dane Cook), who is an amazing fellow: decent, loyal, and honest.
I realize that my opinion is not aligned with that of the masses, but I thought I'd offer an alternative view of this train wreck of a movie - a movie which is neither funny nor heartwarming.
If Steve Carell is supposed to leave a positive impression on the viewer, then there is little hope for humanity.
I Am Legend (2007)
Hooray for the first half, and then...oh dear...
I will keep this short and sweet, as I'm sure no one is in the mood for an essay. No spoilers below, and thus no specifics about the plot.
I was absolutely mesmerized by the first half of the movie. Admittedly there are several weak elements even early on, but these are overshadowed by the visual appeal, and the feel, of this very interesting look at a day in the life of the last man on earth.
Things soon turn sour, though, as dramatic events change the nature of the action. My excitement soon gave way to disinterest, and at the end of the movie, I was frowning and cringing all at once. The movie deteriorates into the most predictable, uninteresting rubbish I've seen in recent memory. The ending is outright embarrassing. Embarrassing.
The CGI looks like it has gone entirely wrong, and the behavior of the CGI creatures is like something out of a comic book. This is perhaps not inherently bad, but it completely undermines everything built up by the first half of the movie.
Half of the movie is brilliant, but...The other half is just pitiful.