mk_mccln Reviews

King of the Underworld (1939)

Gats, Gangsters, Doctors, & Feminine Guile - & Bogart to boot!

[5/10 · 14 February 2007]

In this theatrical melodrama Humphrey plays a gangster; amazing stretch of the imagination, isn't it? A semi-literate, Bogie (bad guy Joe Gurney) idolizes Napoleon (short guy ego tripper) and quotes le petit emperor on occasion to justify his own actions, such as placing chunks of lead into the physiques of various inconvenient people with the assistance of gunpowder.

He utilizes this method of employee reduction to lay off (without benefits) his doctor, who's wife, Kay Francis (Dr. Carole Nelson), who has just won the Isabella Rossellini look-a-like contest, is also a doctor. She scrams Big City to settle down in a small town to start over, and prove her innocence on a charge of consorting with known actors who play criminals. This is considered highly unprofessional by other doctors, who sent in notes of complaint from the golf course.

Well, wonders never cease as Bogie and his gang show up coincidentally and quite by chance in that very exact identical same town! Of all the burgs in all the world, why did they have to drive into this one? Additionally, the gang has picked up a hitch-hiking writer (James Stephenson) who has become Bogie's biographer, not entirely of his own volition. Nefarious doings evolve, love blossoms, lots of action and shooting, police persons with tommy-guns are attracted; and maybe, just maybe the gangster wins in a 1930's era movie, by special dispensation of the Hayes Office.

Or maybe not. Jeepers, the suspense is killing you, so don't miss this movie if you get a chance! Just remember, the criminals are the ones who use poor grammar and have a tendency to fall down with holes in their bodies. Bogie proves adept at utilizing the vernacular popular amongst persons criminally inclined, as usual. And, I don't mind telling you that there is a modicum of suspense as the fair doctorette bravely faces adversaries on both sides of the law. I actually bit a fingernail. I give this one gun up with a lot of bullets. Hey, it's watchable and it's got Bogie!

Xoxox Mike

The Magnificent Seven (1960)

Overacting gunfighters battle hammy banditos in a fusillade of fun and mayhem!

[8/10 · 12 February 2007]

REVIEW: Magnificent 7: First, I love this movie. Every time I hear the music I want to mount the arm of my couch and ride it like a horsie. Having seen M7 no less than eleventy-seven times I've got permanent saddle sores on my carbuncles. But we can love and still make fun of, and this movie screams out for parody.

Having been paid for their lethal services by Mexican peasants to protect their town from marauding baddies, the gunslingers are similar to hookers with hearts of gold. They kill because they love, and in the meantime fall all over themselves trying to save villagers from being robbed, women from being ravished, and children from being trampled by the nefarious bandit gang lead by that most famous of Hispanic actors, Eli Wallach. Well, he pronounces his H's as J's, and his J's as H's, ain't that good enough? After trial, tribulation, and the shooting of probably 10,000 blank cartridges, the happy villagers learn how to kill people with various agricultural implements, giving a whole new meaning to "hoe down". All in all, everyone has learned a valuable life lesson.

True to the title, M7 tries to be Magnificent in every way with bold music, bold men, and, uh, Yul Brynner. His hat looks about two sizes too small, but that is no great surprise given his ego. He is Poser-In-Chief as he attempts to appear majestic in every scene: while astride his cayuse, when telling the banditos to "Ride on", and in general developing the cotton-mouth smackies while gobbling up the desert scenery.

In fact, the only thing that flies thicker than the bullets is the "ham" from all of the Seven actors; so much so that we stand a good chance of developing trichinosis of the eyes. Catholics should not see this movie on a Friday, and Jews and Muslims should avoid it altogether. The only thing with more ham is Hormel, or maybe Sylvester Stallone.

Overacting seems to be a blessing in this oater, with each of the future-famous stars trying to upstage the others. Of course McQueen, in his biggest role since "The Blob", utilizes the "squint" school of acting as usual. It is fun to see Bullitt, Flint, the Man from UNCLE, Mr. Deathwish, and those other two guys (who are they, anyway?) before they went on to fame and fortune, or ignominy and mediocrity. The dialogue and script are as corny as Kansas, but come on, ya gotta love it! This is a Must See movie; come for the cowboys, stay for the schmaltz! I give it Two Guns Way Up!