claude6543 Reviews

Wil (2023)

Who cast this weakling?

[16 February 2024]

I was expecting insights in the history of occupied Belgium. Instead, I was treated to a study in character: that of a skinny weak-kneed weakling with not one micron of magnetism, let alone credibility as a police officer. My reaction upon first seeing him; how can this 30-kg pansy be a cop? He must have been raised on turnips. He does fight like a vegetarian. Why, surely he flies away at the lightest breeze. Thieves and miscreants will fold him into a paper plane. Or put him in an en envelope and mail him back to the two-dimensional wimp factory. And that constant look of fear in his eyes. He must be an habitual trouser-soiler. Nobody would associate him with heroism. Why, he wouldn't even be brave enough to serve ice cream. The other characters don't fare much better, especially his "girlfriend", who tries to project sexy but only triggers projectile vomiting. Whoever cast this movie needs new glasses and a new brain.

Blood Coast (2023– )

A miss for Olivier Marchal

[4 January 2024]

I am a big fan of Olivier Marchal. Over the years, I have thoroughly enjoyed his many movies and TV series - they rank among the best in a genre in which the French excell: crime drama. Unfortunately, Blood Coast does not live up to expectations. The plot is unimaginative, a rehash of a story told so many times before. The actors are for the most part wooden and underwhelming. The characters are universally unlikeable and make the dumbest decisions. Swearing, while expected and welcome in such a show, is just overboard and detrimental to storytelling - every conversation turns into in-your-face, profanity-laced slang mumbo jumbo. The "music" is particularly grating - very little sucks as much as French rap. And the ending feels like a slowly deflating balloon. Total miss.

One more thing. Throughout, I kept thinking that these idiots are so fortunate to live in the south of France, a real paradise, and yet they choose to live like gangstas in run down ghettos. Fools.

Lioness (2023– )

Obligatory angry teenager absolutely pointless and exasperating

[27 September 2023]

Why, why do they always insist on having one teen character who is continuously angry and acts irrationally? It has *never* done any TV show any good. Zoe Saldana's daughter is full-on stereotype, all the sorry-arse angry teenager tropes bundled in one character. One minute you are watching a show about secret operatives in the Middle East, the next you are subjected to never-ending scenes of family turmoil caused by one selfish teenager that *no one in the world cares about*.

My advice: fast forward all the scenes where she appears. They add absolutely nothing - zip - nada - zilch to the storyline. Skipping them will do wonders for your blood pressure.

Lioness (2021– )

Obligatory angry teenager absolutely pointless and exasperating

[26 September 2023]

Why, why do they always insist on having one teen character who is continuously angry and acts irrationally? It has *never* done any tv show any good. Zoe Saldana's daughter is full-on stereotype, all the sorry-arse angry teenager tropes bundled in one character. One minute you are watching a show about secret operatives in the Middle East, the next you are subjected to never-ending scenes of family turmoil caused by one selfish teenager that *no one in the world cares about*.

My advice: fast forward all the scenes where she appears. They add absolutely nothing - zip - nada - zilch to the storyline. Skipping them will do wonders for your blood pressure.

Roundhay Garden Scene (1888)

I wuz robbed!

[16 April 2022]

I sneezed and missed the movie. They turned the lights back on and I was left with my extra-large popcorn. I felt like a fool. Now they won't give me my money back.

A Night to Remember (1958)

Good movie except for Molly

[15 April 2022]

This movie holds up really well after many decades. The only bad point is the "Unsinkable Molly Brown". She is extremely grating. I wish she had gone down to the depths, big mouth, ugly hat, Brooklyn accent and all.

Blizzard of Souls (2019)

Bad casting

[8 January 2022]

I recognize the production value on a relatively small budget. I also appreciate the attempt to depict a little-known aspect of WW1.

Casting and directing are the problem. The main character looks and acts like a doofus. You just want to slap him into acting, reacting, anything. He is completely useless. This irreparably detracts from what could otherwise be an interesting movie.

Army of the Dead (2021)

Worst choice of music in movie history

[22 May 2021]

What should be appreciated as a wonderful opening scene is cheapened and completely spoiled by the worst choice of music track in movie history. I can't image what the special effects guys who put in thousands of hours of work into this scene can be feeling right now. What a shame.

Jin (2009– )

Drama masterpiece

[14 September 2019]

This is a gem. Captivating story, endearing characters, superb acting, superior production values and fantastic music. A treat not only for those with an interest in Japanese history, but for anyone looking for thoughtful, engaging drama.

The Good Cop (2018)

Help! Please explain stellar reviews!

[5 October 2018]

I just don't get the stellar reviews. Maybe reviewers are watching a different show? One where the jokes are not so cringe-inducing that the unfortunate viewer spits out long-forgotten cavity fillings? One where the acting rises even one millimeter above wooden plank level? One in which crime-solving requires skills superior to drooling after lobotomy? One where the writing involves more than random monkey typewriting? One where viewers don't want to gouge out own eyes with pumpkin carving spoon and use to fill own tortured ears? One where main characters are more endearing than shameful skin rash? I only long for an explanation...

Scabbard Samurai (2010)

Samurai story with a twist

[16 December 2011]

Sayazamurai (Scabbard Samurai) was a total, pleasant surprise. It takes a while to get into the story, but those minutes of wondering "where is this movie going" are well worth it. Matsumoto (one half of the popular Downtown duo) establishes himself as a sensitive, intelligent writer/director. Fine performances all around, endearing characters, good direction, excellent production values (the story is set in the Edo era). Somewhat zany -- what else would you expect from Matsumoto? This movie really is a wonderful gem, combining laughs and some sadness. Its message of courage and love is gently conveyed. Overall, a real find for Japanese movie amateurs, a nice departure from more conventional "jidaigeki" period pieces. I definitely recommend.

Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)

Unbearable

[17 April 2010]

Where does one start? How can you mentally digest something like Birdemic? I am still in shock. I have seen some shitty movies in my time. But Birdemic, friends and neighbors, is the worst movie in the history of film-making, on this planet or in any other dimension for that matter. It is bad, OMG, right off the scale on the shitometer. The acting? Poor Alan Bagh, is he a living, walking wooden plank? Special effects? I swear, the birds are cardboard cutouts dangling from strings. For some reason, they explode when they hit something. Why? Why is that? Can't somebody explain, for freak's sake?

Everything stinks so very gaggingly. A rhesus monkey with a camcorder poking out of its arse would do better. Beware, my friends, beware of this abomination that is Birdemic.