jaubert-43688 Reviews

Bird Box: Barcelona (2023)

I like how there's dogs

[3/10 · 16 July 2023]

I like how there are dogs in Bird Box: Barcelona. On the surface, it is an adorable idea because who doesn't loves dogs? But on the inside, it's an intriguing concept. Cause wtf? Who thought of this? And they gotta cover their eyes too? Now we know the Creatures in Bird Box looks different for everybody and they have a pretty high success rate with their deathgaze. (Pretty much monsters from Vanishing on 7th Street but 2x more effective.) But what does their effect look like for the dogs? Why is this the only thing that interests me in this movie? It's because this movie stinks. It totally nerfs the Creatures' fear factor in this one, they're not even the main antagonist in it, it's something human. I wish that creepy apparition kid would stfu as well. There's too much focus on her and the dude's backstory which completely changes the horror subgenre from Eldritch Horror to regular psychological. No character is long-lived enough for us to care about them so the movie feels like just a bunch of checkpoints. And why wasn't there more usage of the birds? Vital plot item and what the title of this movie franchise is. They legit appeared only once at the very end like,"in case you forgot, this franchise is part of Bird Box, the movie we d-riding on rn!". Also. Imo, too many eyes visble.

Sheroes (2023)

The coke was probably real

[2/10 · 4 July 2023]

This movie gotta be one of the worst movies I've seen this year, and I watch Lifetime movies for fun. I don't know who thought this movie was a good idea. Did the people filming this movie think it was a good idea too? There's no way people weren't actually on drugs during production. ($20 million budget) There's Skai Jackson with an RPG, the creepy girl from Orphan doing a lap dance, Batwoman with a Streetfighter reference, and COD-style montage footage. None of it was good and it is as fever dreamish as it sounds. The acting felt like everyone knew it was bs and a cash grab except for one individual. She wasn't good, in fact, her acting was atrocious, it was like watching a skinwalker learn to be human and talk in English with Jim Carrey's mask on. 2/10.

Malum (2023)

Wasn't scary

[3/10 · 26 June 2023]

I heard this was gonna be scary- actually the scariest film this year. A reimagining of the "Last Shift" (which is the original movie), what the director envisioned it to be. No. That was all lies. What I got were cheap jumpscares that didn't work and a dumb protagonist.

The special effects and prosthetics in this film were cool but way too overdone. Those always came along with the jumpscares, so see it too much, all the fear factor is gone.

The original had better camera work, it didn't need to rely on jumpscares because of the camerawork (a little shaky, mostly handheld but the CHAIR SCENE *chefs kiss*) but it had a decent amount of them.

I was hoping for some eerieness the original had in this reboot but all I got was bad acting and too much unecessary dialogue. "Malum" also felt cheaper because of the color grading. Too much red and blue in this one which make it seem too clean. "Last Shift" had much more green which amplified the creepiness of the dirty old, abandoned police station setting.

The plot was way easier to follow in the OG too. I knew what "Malum" was trying to do but it was so incoherent at the same time. It honestly felt like a chore to watch. Sorry, but "Malum" deciding to focus on all the extra plot/lore stuff that was in "Last Shift" was a bad idea. It wasn't the same stuff that made the film memorable or scary. The ambiguity of the film and the true motive of protag made it scary. I can't believe this was a "reboot", hopefully there isn't more of them coming out cause I don't care about the cultists tbh.

Black Mirror: Demon 79 (2023) Season 6, Episode 5

NOT BLACK MIRROR

[1/10 · 17 June 2023]

No cautionary tale about technology in this one. I'm not going to lie, it wasn't bad. But it WAS NOT BLACK MIRROR. (Maybe Twilight Zone? Unused pilot of something?) So I will have to give it a ONE for wasting everybody's time. Now we all got to wait about 4 years for the next season. Thanks a lot for taking 1/5 of the episodes to show everybody your fever dream fanfiction about your Warlock DND backstory that everybody needed to see! We learned nothing in this episode. Except to trust demons that tell of prophecy? Seriously, what was the purpose of this one??? Saw some bad reviews on "Mazey Day" but at least that one tells us paparazzi find ways to invade ppl's privacy and dehumanize celebrities to that point where they'll seem like a "monster" all for the sake of money. And at the end you're like, "who's the monster really?". Basic, sure. But AT LEAST it does mirror reality and we can all learn from it. This one? Wtf. Yeah, I'll make sure to trust the demon in my mahjong set next time instead of banishing it.

Try to stay on theme next time! Maybe Google the definition of BLACK MIRROR if you're unsure! Remember to reread the prompt! Have someone proofread before you turn in it! Drink lots of water! I'm sure you'll improve when the next season comes around!

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)

Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be

[6/10 · 26 May 2023]

It was like watching a low budget action TV plot from the 90s but it was filmed and edited on an Iphone. It was like the dialogue was Google translated and dubbed over by artifical intelligence who also helped write it. And it was all funded by a Bollywood producer who's a child millionaire.

Tbh, it wasn't that bad? It was kind of entertaining to watch? It was a genuine good-bad movie. So bad it was sorta good. It's not a movie that wants to be bad on purpose to be good. It honestly seems like a parody of itself.

It's so corny and campy, even the visual effects and fight scenes are. The explosions they use are funny as hell. The plot is so outlandish and the music is hilarious. Reading that one review that mentions Lucy Liu not having a clue what to do on set made it even funnier.

The Outwaters (2022)

Annoying asf movie

[2/10 · 12 March 2023]

This was unwatchable garbage.

I don't know what else to say.

I hate it and it made my ears bleed.

Had no clue what the heck was going on but it was so boring anyway. If this was a dumb found footage movie about aliens I feel like it would've been more bearable.

This movie really pissed me the heck off with all its screaming like what is that for? Doesn't scare me just makes me angry. Like wth get to the point???

Can anyone explain this movie to me? I feel like that was just nothing but an image slideshow or something I dunno if the out of orderness was made on purpose but if it was it was still annoying to watch. Felt kinda pretentious too.

Velma (2023– )

Should be eradicated from existence like small pox

[1/10 · 3 February 2023]

Watched one episode and that was enough for me. Everyone involved in this show should be blacklisted.

I don't know what's wrong with writers these days. They think it's so cool to break the fourth wall and be edgy. But it's not edgy, it's just CRINGE because it feels like your estranged, tryna-be-hip late 30s aunt with a pending divorce wrote it. They even had the show sent in like the early 2000s to have it remind her of the good old days or something.

There's too much unnecessary dialogue (show's ALL DIALOGUE) and not enough action (DOING STUFF) in the show, and the dialogue is already so hard to get through. It's like I'm trying to eat hard tack while actively fighting in the Civil war.

And to make the characters say out loud what their intentions are before doing them in the next scene like a mini character summary is so bad. It legit feels like I'm watching Family Guy when they're in the middle of saying pop culture references I don't understand but the reference scene where they all act out on it never happens.

Don't get me started on how they changed the whole cast of Scooby-Doo and broke their whole dynamic up.

None of the characters feel like Scooby-Doo. Scooby-Doo isn't even in the show!!! I don't know what's wrong with people nowadays when they make remakes or adaptations and they just change all personalites and f up the best friendships and make them all toxic (Another EX: Winx Saga). Imagine if the Fellowship in Lord of the Rings was like this. Imagine if Sam was Velma.

Also, it's really sexual. Not in a funny way. Just in a really gross way. Plus, they changed the SD cast to kids actively tryna learn in high school. Idk how to feel about that. Like there were animators who drew all that? Of a beloved children cartoon? While changing the character ages to...underage? It's literally uncomfortable to watch. Like wtf are yall doing, put these on your Twitter instead of applying to HBO.

It seems to be a fanfic of Scooby-Doo: Mystery Incorpated. They even used the same setting of Crystal Cove. I wish they didn't cause that's arguably the best one in terms of writing which this one doesn't have at all. No arguments there. Also, the main plot is literally Veronica Mars.

Anyways, it's bad, Amazon should remove the word count limit for this show. All you gotta say for it is it's bad and don't watch.

The Rookie (2018– )

Really liked the first three seasons...

[6/10 · 10 October 2022]

I stopped watching The Rookie after I finished season 3 and just decided to get to it again. From what I remember, the show was pretty serious... Especially in season 1, which was the most realistic and grounded season. Season 2 got a little out there but had more action. And season 3 tried to balance some stuff out. (This was when real-life issues bled in the show more, and they had to do a little social commentary. I honestly thought the show handled the topics well enough.) I got back to watching The Rookie partly because I just watched the first two episodes of The Rookie: Feds and that was so campy-corny-bad. And what do you know, season 4 and 5 are exactly like The Rookie: Feds. The plotlines are so outlandish! It also started to have a whole lot more romance too, like wtf. It felt like an 80s soap opera. Actually, everything about The Rookie feels 80s, except for season 3, but still. Man, I guess it's still good to watch for some people? If you like crazy and GoT.

Season 1 was an 8 for me. Season 2 and 3 were a 7. The new ones stay at 6. The direction of the show is not consistent at all, plus they have notable cast members leaving every season. The show is probably gonna get worse every new season until it's just so insane, you can't even comprehend it anymore. This is literally just a soap opera for Nathan Fillion fans. Honestly, might have accidentally sold myself on this show.

The Visitor (2022)

Actually Awful

[1/10 · 8 October 2022]

I have to admit it was intriguing at the beginning. But apparently, this was just another weird Satanic story. Don't get me wrong, I love demonic horror movies. But if that's what you're looking for, just go watch Hereditary, same idea as this movie, but probably about 1000x better than this garbage. I have no idea what they were thinking for the last act. Completely changes tone and everything, even the general direction of the film. They also interpreted Paradise Lost wrong somehow. Why even bother inserting that in if you're gonna ignore the whole point of the book. They should've just went with a simple doppelganger. That was so bad.

The Rookie: Feds (2022–2023)

One of the worst shows I've seen.

[3/10 · 4 October 2022]

It's true, this is one of the worst shows I've seen. The acting by the lead is just atrocious, Niecy or whatever her name is. I don't know how she even has the willpower to even read her lines. It's so so bad. They must be paying her alot of money to do this show. Also, she has her boobs out the entire time. Massive things they are. I don't know if she got paid extra to do that too. It's literally too much and covers more than half the screen. None of the cast even acknowledges she just has them out! The one cast member I liked was Michelle, and she was only there for like 5 minutes. She usually gets peoples' lunch orders. That's her thing and I love it. Maybe the show could've been good if it was two grannies as feds like that one British show or whatever. Edit: Just watched episode 2, they somehow managed to show even more of her boobs. I didn't even realize there was more of them. It was like that image of an iceberg and what we saw in episode 1 was just the tip. She literally had six buttons unbuttoned. I've never seen anyone unbutton more than three buttons ever, on anything. I'm actually amazed. The show's sellpoint is literally this? She even seduces people now? ABC, what are you doing? But you know what, I just realized the show is okay to watch if you're drunk. And maybe if you're one of those new season The Rookie fans cause that's how crazy this show is already. I upped the score by one. But that doesn't make it good. There were some The Rookie cameos but it felt so forced, and like the actors didn't want to be there at all. The writers also seem to be forcing chemistry between two characters already. I don't even know their names yet. But one dude is a famous actor turned FBI agent- I know, his backstory is actually wackier but that's a spoiler. Anyway, it's some sideplot about them figuring out what their profiles are. Ew, bad flirting. Also, corny as hell. Stop please. ABC, why are you doing this? Niecy is literally enough. Go back to her. Somehow those two are worse than her character. I never want to see them again or together in the same room. They have negative chemistry between each other. Like no, I don't want to see the two blandest white people on existence get together, ABC. (I'm hoping he's gay so they throw away that idea completely.) Can't wait for the third episode. Edit: She said it's about the vibe, not the gender. Funniest stuff I've heard on ABC. Ironically love this. 3/10, only because I hate Katie so much. I hope she dies.

Take Two (II) (2018)

UNDERRATED

[8/10 · 2 October 2022]

If you're an ultra fan of cute little detective shows with a sidekick/love interest or both, shows that don't take itself way too seriously unless there's a serial killer 2-parter case season finale... You should watch this! Completely underrated. Honestly deserves a much higher rating than 7/10. It's in my fav list for this category! Which includes:

Psych, Mentalist, Pushing Daisies, Lucifer, Bones, X-Files, Sleepy Hollow, Lost Girl, Elementary, Forever, (Forever also a canceled ABC detective show...) that one show where the girl has photographic memory, Ghost Whisperer, Burn Notice, Chuck, Rookie, The Finder, Monk, Body of Proof, CSI: OG, NCIS: All, Second Chance or whatever it's called, I'm now naming things to reach the 600 word count IMDB minimum. But you get that I'm a huge sucker these type of shows.

I think Take Two needs a revamp or a reboot or another season! It was that good! Also eye-candy, hello! Two attractive leads and the show gets canceled, how???

Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001)

BETTER THAN I REMEMBER! TIMELESS CLASSIC!

[9/10 · 16 September 2022]

As a kid I loved Treasure Planet, as an adult I love Atlantis: The Lost Empire!

I recently watched both and I felt like this one was made for the adults, while Treasure Planet stays with the kid and teen audience. I can't believe I thought Treasure Planet was better this whole entire time! But now I'm appreciating this! You guys should too!!!

A:TLE is more mature and the jokes in it still land and have variation to them. (Unlike Treasure Planet with its millionth fart joke.) And it's seemingly an ageless movie, as opposed to Treasure Planet, which aged and feels so early 2000s with the Nickleback sorta rock, highschool subplot, angst, and daddy issues. (It has better character development between the two mains, but A:TLE has a more developed crew.)

Atlantis: The Lost Empire gotta big cast of characters and they are all well-written. They all have different personalites and defined backstories. Each one is animated differently so they're all distinct from another. NOTHING about them seems copy and paste, the animation has heart! The characters are all so memorable and likeable (even the villians), and I can't name a single NEW Disney film where I like ALL the characters. (Unless Brave counts and that was released 10 years ago.) Someone's always insufferable! Ugh! The characters of this A:TLE are ever so charming, seriously! Like how did they manage that? I dunno!

Just wow. I can't believe how perfect this movie is, it could've been longer. This easily could've been a 2-2.5 hour movie and still be just as entertaining. I wish we saw more of the city in Atlantis, some more wildlife, maybe another side character whose not so welcoming of outsiders. Just more Atlantean interactions in general. (Talking about this movie and not including the sequel.) My pet peeve was that they were kinda mute-y and served only as a backdrop until the conflict became more dire. (The world building was way better than Treasure Planet though.)

Anyways, this is definitely my top 1 Disney movie of all time. Love the message of the movie too. Highly recommend. It doesn't rely on pop culture or fast jokes, it's witty. Also, the characters are all hot. Yes.

Hell Trip (2018)

Bad Trip

[2/10 · 31 August 2022]

First of all, how the heck did this movie get ANYTHING above a 5/10? It's more like a two--objectively. It's got bad everything: bad dialogue, bad acting, bad sound editing, bad filming, and bad pacing. First like 10 minutes of the movie we get a whole sister dynamic redemption arc thrown in our face. I dunno how to explain this in actual words so I'll say, it felt like this, "oh by the way im sorry for ruining your life all those years ago i was undercover in the cia and my wife was under witness protection from the president are we good now brother even tho you are my arch nemesis since birth in luxemborg where we were knighted lets hug." After that scene, NOTHING happens for like 40 minutes! If a horror movie does this, it literally starts out as a 5/10 and keeps going down points. (PLEASE STOP making horror movies that do this BS pls!)

It's impressive how they filmed this in South Africa on the hottest days though. But they also could've easily, I dunno, did something cheaper and spend the money on a better script? Literally an AI could've came up with something much better. 2/10.

Fear Pharm (2020)

Watchable tbh

[3/10 · 31 August 2022]

This is about as good as random Amazon prime video horror movies will get. I give it a 3. Lemme explain:

It's an ensemble slasher movie you haven't seen and you crave them because you're a little psycho. +1 star

It's got a cast of stupid ppl you won't care much or at all about so you can watch them ALL die in peace. +1 star

It's got a giant corn maze and some spooky scarecrows, an underutilized combo in horror--sadly. +1 star

It's got some humor that lands and alot that doesn't but it's not bad enough where you would stop watching and rant about it online. +0.5 stars

The acting is Oblivion npc level but that's one of the highest tiers you can get on an Amazon prime random horror movie. +0 stars - Acceptable.

The cast might remind you of a similar "gang" from Philadelphia and that might make it a little more watchable so you could continue to watch them die. +0 stars

They don't die fast and enough and it's slow. -0.5 stars

There's a sequel for no reason, because who asked? Nobody is gonna watch that one. +0 stars.

They/Them (2022)

Identity Crisis

[1/10 · 31 August 2022]

This move was REALLY, REALLY bad! NOTHING HAPPENS FOR AN HOUR, then ppl finally start to die. (Only one coolish death scene btw.) There were like four sex scenes in the movie for NO REASON, all them happening one after the other, and they went on for quite a while. It was embarrassing, awkwardly filmed, ICKY, (kinda have to admit, there was one that made sense to the plot but rest felt like some nutjob wanted to Game of Thrones the shiz up) and honestly, the movie was already a pain but these scenes made it feel like somebody was twisting the knife.

They/Them is SUCH a clever title for a potentially great slasher comedy but this wasn't it at all! (When it was in rumor stages, actual LGBTQ+ horror fans were excited. ME INCLUDED!)

Ironically, They/Them struggles with its identity as a movie; it had some comedy but it clearly wasn't intentional and was some form of social commentary that just misfires and becomes friendly fire. IMO, this movie was really offensive to LGBTQ+, it uses stereotypes and it uses derogatory terms a lot and throughout the movie. But get this; the only person who actually never misidentifies other ppl's anything is the main villain...dafaq. There's also a scene where everyone just breaks out in a musical number, like wtf, where is the tone of the movie??? (Btw, They/Them is also biphobic--js.) WHY is it so hard to make another horror movie with Happy Death Day humor??? Literally the secret formula for any good horror comedy movie in this generation. But no, we always get unrelatable garbage.

Anyways, don't watch this movie!!! Me and my friends SUFFERED. Such a pandering mess!

Area 407 (2012)

Just screaming and screaming and SCREAMING -1

[1/10 · 25 August 2022]

I wish I could give this movie less than a 1. Even less than zero. All characters were annoying and they all scream in your ears simultaneously. One of the actors kept messing up his lines and confusing the whole cast and they left all of it in. The dinosaurs couldn't come take them fast enough. Was there even dinosaur? Felt like a second worth of dinosaur. The dialogue in this movie seemed like it was all improv and everybody hated each other. And honestly, I hate them irl too for particiating voluntarily in this atrocity against humankind. To make things remotely interesting I pretended the little girl wasn't even acting and thought dinosaurs never went extinct and everything that was happening in the movie she thought was real. And I could only survive for so long, her voice was pure agony. Like a mandrake or a banshee screaming. If you could sit and watch this movie in its entirety, you could probably survive all nine circles of Hell.

Slumber Party Massacre (2021)

Genre: Special Ed Horror Comedy

[2/10 · 20 August 2022]

The writing was bad, the acting was bad, the sound editing was bad, their accents felt like auditory uncanny valley. If those were real South African accents, and not created by the director telling them to sound more American, oops, sorry. But doubt it since there were ppl with fake and awful southern accents. Anyways, because of the atrocious dialogue being combined with the girls' amazing acting skills, they all sound like Tommy Wiseau if he was knocked in the head a couple more times. The pop culture references seemed like they were made by a 65-year-old boomer trying to relate to his teen daughter and his wife whose half his age. Also, terrible and mind-numbing.

On another note, saw lots of reviewers ranting about how this movie was feminist and stuff like that. Bruh. The whole original trilogy was feminist and were all written and directed by women. Like, why are y'all surpised? All around everyone's stupid.

Life (I) (2007–2009)

Stop watching after Season 1

[6/10 · 26 March 2021]

Season 1: Excellent crime show with a creative premise and a clear main conflict, and great, fleshed-out characters with motivations and intriguing flaws. Season 2: After a few amazing episodes, everyone suddenly becomes one-dimensional. What went wrong? Everything. Even the sets and crimes seem empty. And everybody with a 21st century mind, do yourself a favor and stop watching when Captain Kevin Tidwell gets introduced, or you'll need a huge barf bag. He's the ultimate sleazebag, all of his lines are gross, he has no redeeming qualities, and he doesn't know what personal space is. And get this: his only goal in life is to sleep with Dani Reese. Really? Yes. Imagine you get a new boss, he's greasy-looking and faintly reminds you of a young Harvey Weinstein. He has had multiple wives in the past with nothing good to say about him AND he likes mentioning that all the time. His first introduction to you is him verbally harassing you by saying he wants to sleep with you with a classic Freudian slip. Adorable right? NO. And when you try to greet him with a handshake, he tries to HUG you. Wow, that's a lawsuit waiting to happen. "Jesus Christ, where's human resources? Where did my old boss go?" you would say. That's the wonderful character of Captain Kevin Tidwell. Wow, why didn't Dani Reese get the hell outta there? Oh Lord! Oh snap, she ends up with him!? F-